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Some say old people should continue to work, if their condition allows them to do so. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some say old people should continue to work, if their condition allows them to do so. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Conventional wisdom has it that elderly should not retire if they are available and healthy enough to sustain their work. I find myself in partial agreement with their viewpoint.

To begin with, there are some underlying factors for the elderly to continue working without retirement. Firstly, it can reduce the financial burden for the government as they do not have to pay pensions for elderly working individuals. Therefore, they may spend that amount of money on other fields such as some voluntary activities for the needy. Secondly, old people can earn money for themselves without having to rely on social subsidies or their children. Though modest, their monthly salary is still enough to cover basic needs, which leads to life satisfaction of becoming financially independent among those.

However, it is reasonable that one should retire when he gets old. One possible reason is that having the elderly in a company may delay work progress due to their lack of technological skills. That is not to mention their limitation in agility or efficiency is increasingly visible and results in profit loss for that company. What is more, after spending most of their youth devoting to work and society, it is high time they cared about themselves and lived their own life. As a result, stopping working is a way to reflect on their life and pursue their hobbies without concern.

In short, elderly have the right to continue working if they want, while they should take retirement and enjoy their life into account.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Conventional wisdom has it that elderly should not retire if they are available and healthy enough to sustain their work." -> "Conventional wisdom dictates that older individuals should not retire if they are capable and in good health to sustain their employment."
    Explanation: The replacement enhances the formality of the statement by using "dictates" instead of "has it," and it employs more precise and formal terms like "older individuals" instead of "elderly."

  2. "I find myself in partial agreement with their viewpoint." -> "I partially concur with their perspective."
    Explanation: The suggested alternative employs a more formal term "concur" instead of "find myself in agreement," and "perspective" is used instead of "viewpoint" for a more academic tone.

  3. "Firstly, it can reduce the financial burden for the government as they do not have to pay pensions for elderly working individuals." -> "Firstly, it can alleviate the financial burden on the government, as they are relieved from providing pensions to older individuals who remain employed."
    Explanation: The replacement uses "alleviate" for a more sophisticated term and restructures the sentence to enhance clarity and formality.

  4. "Therefore, they may spend that amount of money on other fields such as some voluntary activities for the needy." -> "As a result, the government can allocate these funds to other areas, such as supporting voluntary activities for those in need."
    Explanation: The replacement improves formality by using "allocate" instead of "spend" and provides a clearer expression of the intended meaning.

  5. "Though modest, their monthly salary is still enough to cover basic needs, which leads to life satisfaction of becoming financially independent among those." -> "While modest, their monthly income is sufficient to meet basic needs, contributing to the life satisfaction derived from financial independence."
    Explanation: The replacement uses "income" instead of "salary" for a more precise term, and the restructuring enhances the overall flow and formality of the sentence.

  6. "One possible reason is that having the elderly in a company may delay work progress due to their lack of technological skills." -> "One plausible reason is that the presence of older individuals in a company could impede workflow progress due to their insufficient technological skills."
    Explanation: The replacement introduces "plausible" for a more formal term, and "insufficient" is used instead of "lack" to convey a more nuanced meaning.

  7. "That is not to mention their limitation in agility or efficiency is increasingly visible and results in profit loss for that company." -> "Not to mention, their diminished agility and efficiency become more apparent, leading to potential profit losses for the company."
    Explanation: The replacement enhances clarity and formality by rephrasing the sentence structure and using more precise terms like "diminished" instead of "limitation."

  8. "What is more, after spending most of their youth devoting to work and society, it is high time they cared about themselves and lived their own life." -> "Furthermore, after dedicating the majority of their youth to work and society, it is high time for them to prioritize self-care and embrace a more personal life."
    Explanation: The replacement uses "furthermore" for a more formal transition, and the rephrasing improves clarity and formality while maintaining the intended meaning.

  9. "As a result, stopping working is a way to reflect on their life and pursue their hobbies without concern." -> "Consequently, ceasing employment provides an opportunity for reflection on their lives and the pursuit of personal hobbies without reservation."
    Explanation: The replacement employs "consequently" for a more formal transition, and the use of "ceasing employment" and "without reservation" contributes to a more formal and nuanced expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

  1. Quoted text: "To begin with, there are some underlying factors for the elderly to continue working without retirement. Firstly, it can reduce the financial burden for the government as they do not have to pay pensions for elderly working individuals. Therefore, they may spend that amount of money on other fields such as some voluntary activities for the needy."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The point regarding reducing the financial burden is well-stated, illustrating a potential benefit for society. However, the idea of redirecting pension funds towards voluntary activities lacks clarity in how this process would work practically or efficiently. Expanding on this by providing specific examples of such activities or how the redirection of funds could benefit the community would strengthen this argument.
    • Improved example: "Firstly, elderly individuals continuing to work alleviate the strain on government pensions, freeing up funds that could be allocated to community-driven projects such as establishing skill-training programs for unemployed youth or funding healthcare services for underprivileged communities. For instance, these redirected resources might enable the provision of free medical check-ups in remote areas, benefiting both the elderly and younger generations."
  2. Quoted text: "However, it is reasonable that one should retire when he gets old. One possible reason is that having the elderly in a company may delay work progress due to their lack of technological skills. That is not to mention their limitation in agility or efficiency is increasingly visible and results in profit loss for that company."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The argument about the potential drawbacks of elderly employees is valid but lacks depth in elaboration. Providing specific instances or cases where the lack of technological skills or reduced efficiency has affected work progress would make this argument more convincing and relatable.
    • Improved example: "However, advocating for retirement stems from the potential drawbacks that elderly employees might face in certain professional environments. For instance, in rapidly evolving industries like technology, their lack of proficiency with modern tools and software may hinder project timelines or lead to suboptimal outcomes. An illustrative case might be seen in a study where the integration of updated software among younger employees significantly expedited project completion compared to teams involving elderly staff members unfamiliar with the technology."

Overall, the essay presents relevant points on both sides of the argument but lacks sufficient depth in explanation and examples, leading to a somewhat limited development of ideas. Enhancing the examples and providing more detailed reasoning would significantly strengthen the essay’s Task Response criteria.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a coherent organization of ideas with a clear overall progression. It has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, contributing to logical organization. The use of cohesive devices is effective, although there are instances where cohesion within and between sentences is somewhat faulty or mechanical. The essay presents a central topic in each paragraph, supporting its overall coherence. However, there are moments of ambiguity, and improvements can be made for better cohesion.

How to improve:

  1. Work on enhancing the logical relationship between sentences to improve overall cohesion. Ensure that transitions between ideas are smoother.
  2. Pay careful attention to the use of cohesive devices. Some sentences lack clarity due to faulty or mechanical use. Strive for precision in their application.
  3. Strengthen paragraphing logic. While there is evidence of paragraphing, it could be more logically structured to enhance the essay’s overall coherence.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing for flexibility and precision in expression. There is an attempt to use less common lexical items, and the writer shows some awareness of style and collocation. While there are occasional errors in word choice and spelling, they do not significantly impede communication. The essay presents ideas with clarity and coherence, utilizing vocabulary effectively to convey the arguments.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource further, the writer could incorporate a broader range of sophisticated vocabulary and strive for greater precision in word choice. Additionally, attention to detail in spelling and word formation would contribute to a smoother and more polished presentation. Ensuring a consistently high level of vocabulary usage throughout the essay will help elevate the score to Band 8.0.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay falls within the Band 6 range due to its use of a mix of simple and complex sentence forms. While there are instances of complex structures, such as subordinate clauses and compound sentences, the range is not consistently wide. There are also some errors in grammar and punctuation, though they rarely reduce communication. The essay demonstrates an attempt at varied sentence structures, but improvements are needed for greater flexibility and accuracy.

How to improve:

  1. Increase Sentence Variety: Work on incorporating a wider variety of sentence structures. This can include more complex sentences and varied sentence beginnings to enhance flexibility.

  2. Grammar Precision: Pay careful attention to grammatical accuracy, particularly in the use of verb tenses and subject-verb agreement. Some sentences have minor errors that could be addressed to improve precision.

  3. Clarity and Cohesion: Enhance the clarity and cohesion of ideas by refining the connection between sentences. Ensure that the flow of ideas is smooth and that each sentence contributes to the overall coherence of the essay.

  4. Proofreading for Punctuation: Conduct a thorough proofreading to correct punctuation errors. Ensure consistent and accurate use of punctuation marks to enhance the overall readability of the essay.

By addressing these areas, the essay can move towards achieving a higher band score in the Grammatical Range and Accuracy criteria.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is commonly believed that older individuals should remain employed if their health permits. I partially agree with this perspective.

To start with, there are valid reasons for seniors to stay in the workforce. Firstly, their continued employment can alleviate the financial burden on the government, as they won’t require pension payouts. This surplus funding could then be redirected towards various charitable activities to assist those in need. Secondly, by working, older individuals can sustain themselves financially, reducing dependence on social support or their children. While their income may be modest, it is often sufficient to meet their basic needs, fostering a sense of satisfaction and financial independence.

However, it is also reasonable for individuals to retire as they age. One potential rationale is that having elderly workers in a company may impede progress due to their potential lack of technological proficiency. Moreover, their diminishing agility and efficiency can lead to productivity losses for the company. Furthermore, after dedicating the prime years of their lives to work and society, it is crucial for them to prioritize self-care and enjoy their lives. Consequently, retiring provides an opportunity for reflection on their life’s journey and the pursuit of personal hobbies without any reservations.

In conclusion, while older individuals have the right to continue working if they desire, the consideration of retirement is equally important for them to relish life to the fullest.

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