Some say that it would be better if the majority of employees worked from home instead of travelling to a workplace every day. Do you think the advantages of working from home outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should write at least 250 words.
Some say that it would be better if the majority of employees worked from home instead of travelling to a workplace every day.
Do you think the advantages of working from home outweigh the disadvantages?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
You should write at least 250 words.
Some say that it would be better if the majority of employees worked from home instead of travelling to a workplace every day. In the opinion, I think working at home has its advantages but on the contrary there are still many disadvantages.
First of all, I can see that advantages that is don’t have to move or travel much. Morever, reducing vehicle traffic also reduces dust and smoke causing environmental pollution. We don’t need wear company uniforms either, especial don’t have to worrry about traffic jam. On the contrary, if you works at home, you will don’t effectively work, teamwork will harder than offline. Add to that, you sometimes are errored in the Internet due to conversaton can miss informations so affair not as expected.
My point of view, I think to get work result, you should come to work at the company instead of you work onlinr at home. The company is the place to train yourself, help discussion with colleagues more easily. You must comply with the rules at the company that take responsibility with yourself. Furthermore, you also ask for help from colleagues when you meet difficultyand you don’t feel boring as same as work at home.
In short, employees worked from home instead of travelling to the a workplace every day that good ideas but I think that not effectively as work at company so work at home not the best way but even not denying the benefits of working at home.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"In the opinion, I think" -> "I believe"
Explanation: "In the opinion, I think" is redundant and informal. Simplifying it to "I believe" maintains a formal tone and enhances clarity. -
"on the contrary" -> "however"
Explanation: "On the contrary" is somewhat archaic and less commonly used in modern academic writing. "However" is a more straightforward and commonly accepted transition in formal essays. -
"advantages that is don’t have to move or travel much" -> "advantages include reduced commuting time"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Advantages include reduced commuting time" is grammatically correct and clearly communicates the benefit. -
"Morever" -> "Moreover"
Explanation: "Morever" is a typographical error. "Moreover" is the correct form. -
"We don’t need wear company uniforms either, especial don’t have to worrry about traffic jam" -> "We do not need to wear company uniforms, nor do we need to worry about traffic jams"
Explanation: Corrects grammatical errors and awkward phrasing, improving readability and formality. -
"if you works at home, you will don’t effectively work" -> "if you work from home, you may not work as effectively"
Explanation: Corrects grammatical errors and clarifies the meaning, making it more precise and formal. -
"teamwork will harder than offline" -> "teamwork may be more challenging than offline"
Explanation: "Will harder" is grammatically incorrect. "May be more challenging" is grammatically correct and maintains a formal tone. -
"you sometimes are errored in the Internet due to conversaton can miss informations so affair not as expected" -> "you may encounter errors in the Internet due to miscommunication, which can lead to missed information and thus, not meeting expectations"
Explanation: This revision corrects grammatical errors and clarifies the meaning, making it more precise and formal. -
"My point of view, I think" -> "In my view"
Explanation: "My point of view, I think" is redundant. "In my view" is a more concise and formal expression. -
"you should come to work at the company instead of you work onlinr at home" -> "it is recommended that you come to work at the company rather than working online from home"
Explanation: Corrects grammatical errors and improves clarity and formality. -
"help discussion with colleagues more easily" -> "facilitate discussions with colleagues more easily"
Explanation: "Help discussion" is grammatically incorrect. "Facilitate discussions" is the correct term and is more formal. -
"You must comply with the rules at the company that take responsibility with yourself" -> "You must adhere to the company’s rules, which you are responsible for"
Explanation: Corrects grammatical errors and clarifies the meaning, enhancing formality and precision. -
"you also ask for help from colleagues when you meet difficultyand you don’t feel boring as same as work at home" -> "you can also seek help from colleagues when encountering difficulties, and you may not feel as bored as when working from home"
Explanation: Corrects grammatical errors and awkward phrasing, improving clarity and formality. -
"employees worked from home instead of travelling to the a workplace every day that good ideas but I think that not effectively as work at company so work at home not the best way but even not denying the benefits of working at home" -> "working from home instead of commuting to the workplace daily is a good idea, but I believe it is not as effective as working in a company, and while it is not the best approach, it still offers benefits"
Explanation: This revision corrects grammatical errors and awkward phrasing, improving clarity and maintaining a formal tone.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Task Response: 6
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of working from home. However, it does not fully explore the implications of whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. The introduction mentions both sides but lacks a clear, decisive stance on which side is favored. For example, while the essay lists advantages such as reduced travel and environmental benefits, it does not adequately quantify or elaborate on these points, nor does it provide a balanced analysis of the disadvantages.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should clearly state their position in the introduction and consistently support it throughout the essay. They should also ensure that each point made is developed with relevant examples or explanations, providing a more comprehensive analysis of both sides of the argument.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a somewhat unclear position. The author states that working from home has advantages but also emphasizes the disadvantages without clearly indicating which side they ultimately support. Phrases like "I think working at home has its advantages but on the contrary there are still many disadvantages" create ambiguity about the author’s stance.
- How to improve: The writer should explicitly state their position in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion. Using phrases like "I believe the advantages outweigh the disadvantages because…" can help clarify their stance. Consistent language throughout the essay that aligns with their position will strengthen the overall argument.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas but lacks depth and development. For instance, while it mentions environmental benefits and the lack of commuting, these points are not fully explored or supported with examples. The disadvantages, such as difficulties in teamwork and communication, are mentioned but not elaborated upon, which weakens the argument.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to develop each point with specific examples or evidence. For instance, they could provide a personal anecdote about a time when remote work was beneficial or detrimental. This would not only extend the ideas but also make the argument more persuasive.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the pros and cons of working from home. However, there are moments where the focus shifts, such as when discussing the need for company rules and training, which could be seen as tangential to the main argument about the advantages and disadvantages of remote work.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all points made directly relate to the central question of whether the advantages of working from home outweigh the disadvantages. They should avoid introducing new ideas that do not directly support their argument and instead elaborate on the existing points.
In summary, while the essay addresses the prompt and presents some relevant ideas, it lacks clarity in position, depth in argumentation, and consistent focus. By clearly stating a position, developing ideas with examples, and maintaining relevance to the topic, the writer can improve their score in the Task Response criteria.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 5
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the logical organization is weak. For instance, the transition between discussing the advantages and disadvantages is abrupt, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument. The first paragraph introduces the topic but lacks a clear thesis statement that outlines the main points. Additionally, ideas within paragraphs are not well connected, leading to confusion. For example, the mention of environmental pollution and the lack of uniforms are not cohesively linked to the main argument about the effectiveness of working from home.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, the writer should clearly outline their main argument in the introduction. Each paragraph should begin with a topic sentence that summarizes the main idea, followed by supporting details that are logically connected. Using transitional phrases such as "On the one hand" for advantages and "On the other hand" for disadvantages can help clarify the contrast between the two sides.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs, but they are not effectively structured. The first body paragraph mixes advantages and disadvantages without clear separation, which can confuse the reader. Additionally, the conclusion does not effectively summarize the main points discussed in the essay, leading to a lack of closure.
- How to improve: Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea. The writer could separate the advantages of working from home into one paragraph and the disadvantages into another. This would allow for a clearer presentation of ideas. Furthermore, the conclusion should briefly restate the main arguments and provide a final thought or recommendation, reinforcing the writer’s position.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates limited use of cohesive devices, which affects the overall coherence. Phrases like "on the contrary" and "add to that" are used, but they are not always applied correctly or effectively. For example, the phrase "on the contrary" is misused when transitioning from advantages to disadvantages, which creates confusion rather than clarity.
- How to improve: To improve cohesion, the writer should incorporate a wider variety of cohesive devices, such as "however," "furthermore," "in addition," and "for example." These phrases can help clarify relationships between ideas and guide the reader through the argument. Additionally, ensuring that pronouns and synonyms are used appropriately to refer back to previously mentioned ideas can enhance coherence.
Overall, while the essay addresses the prompt, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices are essential for achieving a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some appropriate terms related to the topic, such as "environmental pollution," "teamwork," and "responsibility." However, the vocabulary is often repetitive and lacks variation. For instance, the phrase "working at home" is used multiple times without synonyms or paraphrasing, which limits the lexical diversity. Additionally, phrases like "good ideas" and "not the best way" are overly simplistic and do not convey a nuanced understanding of the topic.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and varied expressions. For example, instead of repeatedly saying "working at home," alternatives like "remote work," "telecommuting," or "home-based employment" could be used. Additionally, using more sophisticated phrases such as "the merits and drawbacks" instead of "advantages and disadvantages" would elevate the lexical quality.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that hinder clarity. For example, the phrase "you will don’t effectively work" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. The term "errored" is also not standard English; the correct term would be "error" or "make mistakes." Furthermore, "the company is the place to train yourself" could be more clearly expressed as "the workplace provides opportunities for professional development."
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using standard expressions and ensuring grammatical correctness. Reviewing vocabulary choices and their contexts can help avoid errors. For instance, replacing "errored" with "make mistakes" or "experience errors" would enhance clarity. Additionally, practicing sentence structures that convey ideas more accurately will help in achieving better precision.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors that detract from its overall quality. Words like "Morever" (should be "Moreover"), "especial" (should be "especially"), "worring" (should be "worrying"), "conversaton" (should be "conversation"), and "difficultyand" (should be "difficulty and") demonstrate a lack of attention to detail in spelling. These errors can confuse the reader and undermine the writer’s credibility.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular spelling practice, such as using flashcards or spelling apps. Additionally, proofreading the essay before submission can help catch and correct spelling mistakes. Reading extensively can also improve spelling as it familiarizes the writer with correct word forms and usage.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the topic and attempts to address the prompt, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling are necessary to achieve a higher band score in Lexical Resource.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some attempt at using varied sentence structures; however, the overall range is limited. For instance, simple sentences are frequently used, such as "I think working at home has its advantages" and "We don’t need wear company uniforms either." There are some compound sentences, but they often lack complexity and coherence. The use of phrases like "on the contrary" and "first of all" indicates an attempt to structure the argument, but the transitions between ideas are sometimes abrupt and lack clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses. For example, instead of saying "I think working at home has its advantages," the writer could say, "While working at home has its advantages, such as reduced commuting time, it also presents challenges that cannot be overlooked." Additionally, using a mix of active and passive voice can add variety and depth to the writing.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that hinder clarity. For example, phrases like "the advantages that is don’t have to move" are grammatically incorrect and confusing. The use of "Morever" instead of "Moreover," and "especial don’t have to worrry" (with a misspelling of "worry") are other instances that detract from the overall quality. Additionally, the incorrect use of "if you works" (should be "if you work") and "you will don’t effectively work" (should be "you will not work effectively") demonstrates a lack of grammatical accuracy. Punctuation is also inconsistent, particularly with commas, which can lead to run-on sentences and unclear ideas.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct formation of negative sentences. Practicing sentence construction and reviewing common grammatical rules can be beneficial. For punctuation, the writer should familiarize themselves with the rules regarding comma usage, especially in compound and complex sentences. Reading more academic texts can help to internalize correct grammatical structures and punctuation usage.
In summary, while the essay presents a clear opinion and attempts to address the prompt, the limited range of sentence structures and grammatical inaccuracies significantly impact the overall effectiveness of the writing. Focusing on diversifying sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy will be essential for achieving a higher band score in future essays.
Bài sửa mẫu
Some say that it would be better if the majority of employees worked from home instead of travelling to a workplace every day. In my opinion, I think working at home has its advantages; however, there are still many disadvantages.
First of all, I can see that one advantage is that you don’t have to move or travel much. Moreover, reducing vehicle traffic also reduces dust and smoke, which causes environmental pollution. We don’t need to wear company uniforms either, and we especially don’t have to worry about traffic jams. On the contrary, if you work at home, you may not work as effectively; teamwork may be more challenging than offline. Additionally, you sometimes encounter errors on the Internet due to miscommunication, which can lead to missed information and thus, not meeting expectations.
In my view, to achieve good work results, you should come to work at the company instead of working online from home. The company is the place to train yourself and facilitates discussions with colleagues more easily. You must adhere to the company’s rules, for which you are responsible. Furthermore, you can also seek help from colleagues when encountering difficulties, and you may not feel as bored as when working from home.
In short, while working from home instead of travelling to a workplace every day is a good idea, I believe it is not as effective as working in a company. Although it is not the best approach, it still offers benefits.
