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Some say that music plays an important role in society whilst others think it is simply a form of entertainment. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Some say that music plays an important role in society whilst others think it is simply a form of entertainment. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Some people hold their view that music merely acts as a form of entertainment while others contend that it plays a vital role in society. From my perspective, I subcribe to the notion that music is definitely more than an entertainment tool. This essay is going to examine the topic to both ends.

On the one hand, music is considered as a mean of entertainment due to its influence on mental health of human. It is unevitable that music assists people in lifting their mood by melodies as well as lyrics. As a result, people usually seek songs or acoustics as a backing mean for their mind, and do not pay much attention to the knowledge surrounding it, such as how to play a musical instrument or how it developed over centuries. To elaborate, it is supposed that ordinary people, except from singers and composers, purchase a song to contemplate it but not to possess it. Music is just seen as a mean to escape the daily routine of people.

On the other hand, I affirm that music should not be downplayed in human lives, especially in people's mental health in light of its contribution to enrich the culture and assemble people together. Firstly, by listening to songs from a particular country, listeners may broaden their horizons thanks to the lyrics about some cultural and historical heritages or customaries in some specific places. Not only can music enrich the culture but it also helps to introduce the culture to people all over the world. Secondly, songs can help people to be more empathy and find out like-minded friends regardless of any nationalities, languages or regions. To be more specific, it is not hard to see comments sharing peoples’s thoughts below each music video on YouTube. Moreover, by going to a concert, people can soak up in the mutual energetic ambience and widen their network of friends.

In conclusion, although some people consider music a form of entertainment and relaxation because of its amusing role as other means, such as films, paintings, I personally reaffirm that music is an essential part in people's daily lives as it assists people in enriching the culture and gathering strange people.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "hold their view" -> "hold the view"
    Explanation: Using "hold the view" instead of "hold their view" is a more precise and formal expression commonly used in academic writing.

  2. "subscribe to the notion" -> "subscribe to the idea"
    Explanation: Replacing "subscribe to the notion" with "subscribe to the idea" maintains formality while offering a more concise alternative.

  3. "more than an entertainment tool" -> "more than a form of entertainment"
    Explanation: Changing "more than an entertainment tool" to "more than a form of entertainment" adheres to the formal use of language and enhances clarity.

  4. "examine the topic to both ends" -> "examine the topic from both perspectives"
    Explanation: The phrase "examine the topic to both ends" is less formal; substituting it with "examine the topic from both perspectives" improves academic tone and clarity.

  5. "mean of entertainment" -> "means of entertainment"
    Explanation: Correcting "mean of entertainment" to "means of entertainment" ensures grammatical accuracy and maintains a formal tone.

  6. "unevitable" -> "inevitable"
    Explanation: Correcting the misspelling "unevitable" to "inevitable" ensures proper usage and maintains a formal tone.

  7. "melodies as well as lyrics" -> "melodies and lyrics"
    Explanation: Simplifying "melodies as well as lyrics" to "melodies and lyrics" maintains clarity and eliminates unnecessary complexity.

  8. "backing mean" -> "means of support"
    Explanation: Substituting "backing mean" with "means of support" is a more precise and formal expression.

  9. "except from" -> "apart from"
    Explanation: Replacing "except from" with "apart from" improves the precision and formality of the sentence.

  10. "contemplate it but not to possess it" -> "appreciate it rather than possess it"
    Explanation: Changing "contemplate it but not to possess it" to "appreciate it rather than possess it" offers a more nuanced and formal expression.

  11. "mean to escape" -> "means of escaping"
    Explanation: Substituting "mean to escape" with "means of escaping" maintains formality and clarity.

  12. "downplayed in human lives" -> "underestimated in human lives"
    Explanation: Replacing "downplayed in human lives" with "underestimated in human lives" adds a more sophisticated and appropriate term.

  13. "in light of its contribution" -> "due to its contribution"
    Explanation: Changing "in light of its contribution" to "due to its contribution" is a more concise and formal expression.

  14. "enrich the culture" -> "enrich cultural understanding"
    Explanation: Substituting "enrich the culture" with "enrich cultural understanding" provides a more precise and academic expression.

  15. "assemble people together" -> "bring people together"
    Explanation: Simplifying "assemble people together" to "bring people together" maintains formality and clarity.

  16. "horizons thanks to the lyrics about" -> "horizons through lyrics depicting"
    Explanation: Substituting "horizons thanks to the lyrics about" with "horizons through lyrics depicting" offers a more refined and academically appropriate phrase.

  17. "cultural and historical heritages or customaries" -> "cultural and historical heritage or customs"
    Explanation: Correcting "cultural and historical heritages or customaries" to "cultural and historical heritage or customs" ensures grammatical accuracy and clarity.

  18. "helps to introduce the culture to people" -> "facilitates cultural introduction to people"
    Explanation: Changing "helps to introduce the culture to people" to "facilitates cultural introduction to people" provides a more formal and precise expression.

  19. "be more empathy" -> "develop more empathy"
    Explanation: Correcting "be more empathy" to "develop more empathy" ensures grammatical accuracy and maintains a formal tone.

  20. "sharing peoples’s thoughts" -> "sharing people’s thoughts"
    Explanation: Correcting the possessive form "peoples’s" to "people’s" ensures grammatical accuracy.

  21. "mutual energetic ambience" -> "collective energetic atmosphere"
    Explanation: Substituting "mutual energetic ambience" with "collective energetic atmosphere" offers a more formal and precise expression.

  22. "strange people" -> "diverse individuals"
    Explanation: Replacing "strange people" with "diverse individuals" is a more formal and culturally sensitive term.

  23. "consider music a form of entertainment and relaxation because of its amusing role as other means" -> "view music as a form of entertainment and relaxation, akin to other art forms"
    Explanation: Restructuring "consider music a form of entertainment and relaxation because of its amusing role as other means" to "view music as a form of entertainment and relaxation, akin to other art forms" improves the formality and clarity of the sentence.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

  1. Quoted text: "From my perspective, I subscribe to the notion that music is definitely more than an entertainment tool. This essay is going to examine the topic to both ends."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your introduction clearly states your perspective, which is good. However, it would be more effective if you provide a concise roadmap of the main points you will discuss in the essay. This will give your reader a clearer sense of the essay’s structure. For instance, you could briefly outline the reasons supporting your view on music’s importance beyond entertainment.
    • Improved example: "From my perspective, I subscribe to the notion that music is definitely more than an entertainment tool. In this essay, I will explore how music enriches culture and fosters social connections, providing reasons and examples to support my viewpoint."
  2. Quoted text: "On the one hand, music is considered as a mean of entertainment due to its influence on the mental health of humans. It is inevitable that music assists people in lifting their mood by melodies as well as lyrics."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: While your point is valid, it lacks specific examples or elaboration. To strengthen your argument, provide concrete instances or personal experiences that illustrate how music influences mental health positively. This would add depth to your essay and make your stance more persuasive.
    • Improved example: "On the one hand, music is considered a means of entertainment due to its profound impact on the mental health of individuals. For instance, studies have shown that listening to uplifting melodies or meaningful lyrics can significantly improve one’s mood, reducing stress and anxiety. Personally, during challenging times, I have found solace and comfort in the soothing tunes of certain songs."
  3. Quoted text: "To elaborate, it is supposed that ordinary people, except from singers and composers, purchase a song to contemplate it but not to possess it. Music is just seen as a means to escape the daily routine of people."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your explanation is somewhat unclear. To enhance clarity, provide a more concrete example or rephrase your point. You might consider offering a specific scenario or personal experience that illustrates how people use music as an escape from their daily routine.
    • Improved example: "To elaborate, consider the scenario where ordinary individuals, aside from singers and composers, purchase a song not merely to possess it but to find moments of contemplation. In my own experience, during hectic workdays, I often turn to music as a means to temporarily escape the demands of daily life, allowing me to reflect and unwind."

Overall, while your essay addresses the task and presents a clear position, enhancing the depth of your examples and providing a more structured introduction could elevate your response to a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
This essay demonstrates a good level of coherence and cohesion overall. The structure is well-maintained with clear paragraphing. The essay logically presents contrasting views on music, separating them into two distinct paragraphs. Each paragraph has a clear central focus: one on music as entertainment and the other on its societal importance. Transition phrases like "On the one hand," and "On the other hand," assist in guiding the reader through the contrasting arguments. Additionally, the conclusion effectively summarizes the presented ideas.

The essay shows a satisfactory range of cohesive devices and maintains coherence within and between sentences. However, there are instances where the use of cohesive devices could be more varied and sophisticated. For instance, some sentences lack smoother transitions between ideas, causing slight disruptions in the flow of thought.

How to improve:
To enhance coherence and cohesion, focus on using a wider array of cohesive devices to create stronger links between ideas within and between sentences. This could involve utilizing a variety of linking words, such as "moreover," "furthermore," "consequently," etc., to establish clearer connections between arguments. Additionally, pay attention to sentence structure to ensure smoother transitions between ideas, thereby improving the overall flow of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the topic. It attempts to use less common vocabulary, though some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation can be observed. There are occasional errors in spelling and word formation, but they do not severely impede communication.

The essay addresses both perspectives on music—entertainment and societal importance—providing arguments for each side and offering a personal opinion. The vocabulary used, while sufficient, lacks sophistication and variety in expression. Some attempts to introduce less common vocabulary and expressions are evident, yet they are not consistently accurate. For instance, "unevitable" should be "inevitable," and there are occasional minor errors in word usage and phrasing, such as "gathering strange people," which might not convey the intended meaning effectively.

The essay makes an effort to discuss the impact of music on mental health, cultural enrichment, and social cohesion. However, the depth of exploration and elaboration on these points could be more substantial. The examples provided lack detailed development and clarity, affecting the overall precision and depth of the arguments presented.

How to improve:

  1. Refinement of Vocabulary: Enhance the use of precise and varied vocabulary relevant to the topic. Ensure accuracy in word choice and collocation.
  2. Elaboration and Development: Provide more detailed and coherent examples to support arguments. Develop each point with clarity and depth to strengthen the essay’s overall argumentation.
  3. Language Accuracy: Pay closer attention to spelling and word formation to minimize errors that could distract from the message conveyed.

Improvement in these areas can elevate the essay’s lexical resource score and overall coherence.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a good command of grammatical structures with a variety of sentence forms. There is evidence of complex structures and the majority of sentences are error-free. The essay effectively communicates ideas with good control of grammar and punctuation. However, there are a few minor errors that do not significantly impede communication. These errors can be considered as occasional slips rather than pervasive issues.

How to improve:
To improve the grammatical range and accuracy, the author should pay careful attention to minor errors, such as subject-verb agreement and article usage. Additionally, enhancing sentence variety by incorporating more complex structures will contribute to achieving a higher band score. Reviewing and proofreading the essay before submission can help catch and rectify these minor errors. Overall, maintaining consistency in the quality of language throughout the essay will lead to a more polished and refined piece of writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some individuals argue that music primarily serves as a source of entertainment, while others assert that it plays a crucial role in society. In my view, I subscribe to the idea that music extends beyond mere entertainment. This essay will explore both perspectives.

On one hand, music is often perceived as a form of entertainment due to its impact on human mental health. It is undeniable that melodies and lyrics have a positive influence, lifting people’s moods. Consequently, individuals frequently turn to songs or acoustic tunes as a means of mental support without delving into the intricacies of music, such as learning to play an instrument or understanding its historical development. Essentially, for many, music is a tool for escaping the routine of daily life.

On the other hand, I contend that the significance of music should not be underestimated, particularly in relation to mental health and its role in enriching culture and fostering unity. Firstly, listening to songs from a specific culture can broaden one’s horizons, offering insights into cultural and historical heritages or customs. Music not only enriches individual cultures but also serves as a medium to introduce diverse cultures to a global audience. Secondly, music facilitates empathy and the formation of connections with like-minded individuals across nationalities, languages, and regions. This is evident in the comments section of music videos on platforms like YouTube, where people share their thoughts. Furthermore, attending concerts allows individuals to immerse themselves in a shared energetic atmosphere, expanding their social networks.

In conclusion, while some view music as a form of entertainment akin to films or paintings, I firmly maintain that music is an integral aspect of daily life. Its role extends beyond amusement, as it aids in cultural enrichment and the unification of diverse individuals.

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