Some students choose to work or travel after leaving school and before going to university. Many people, however, say that working experience is more useful in adult life than travel. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Many believe that students taking a gap year before applying to a further study should take working practice into consideration instead of traveling. Although making a journey is important in some cases, I assert that a more meaningful option should be offered to practical capability.
I concede that traveling can serve as a medium of improving personal traits. Human characteristics such as curiosity and creativity can be gradually stimulated when individuals set foot in a new part of the country or part of the world. This is because every new thing would lead to the urge to open the mind of global students and a sense of creativity can probably come into play when pupils confront irregular situations. For example, whether people ask for directions or having a conversation with local people, undergraduate students may have to use their innovativeness to utilize their body language well.
However, there are challenges of a trip in the face of financial risks. This can be due to the fact that flights and hotels can get very expensive unless you are ready to have very flexible travel dates and compromise your time and comfort. Consider airline tickets, for which the youth have to pay a much higher arising expense as a result of some unexpected circumstances.
Therefore, I consider that a practical approach is needed from personal developments to unlock potential career opportunities. This tactic not only allows you to build a stable network with fellow employees, customers and business owners, but it also convinces you with your own career choices. Hence, those practices could generally help university individuals to make better informed decisions.
In conclusion, while I admit traveling is somewhat important to improve some personal traits, I mostly believe that practical training should be implemented as it perhaps offers the opportunity for potential undergraduates.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"taking a gap year before applying to a further study should take working practice into consideration instead of traveling" -> "considering work experience rather than travel when taking a gap year before pursuing further study"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and lacks clarity. The suggested alternative is more concise and clear, using formal language appropriate for academic writing.
"I assert that a more meaningful option should be offered to practical capability" -> "I argue that a more meaningful emphasis should be placed on practical skills"
Explanation: The original phrase is unclear and uses informal language. The suggested alternative is more direct and uses a more appropriate academic tone.
"Human characteristics such as curiosity and creativity can be gradually stimulated when individuals set foot in a new part of the country or part of the world" -> "Characteristics such as curiosity and creativity are often stimulated when individuals explore new regions or countries"
Explanation: The original phrase is overly complex and lacks clarity. The suggested alternative is more straightforward and maintains a formal tone.
"This is because every new thing would lead to the urge to open the mind of global students and a sense of creativity can probably come into play when pupils confront irregular situations." -> "This is because encountering new experiences often stimulates global students’ curiosity, leading to enhanced creativity, particularly when faced with unfamiliar situations."
Explanation: The original phrase is convoluted and uses informal language. The suggested alternative is clearer and more formal.
"For example, whether people ask for directions or having a conversation with local people, undergraduate students may have to use their innovativeness to utilize their body language well." -> "For instance, when asking for directions or engaging in conversations with locals, undergraduates may need to creatively utilize body language to communicate effectively."
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and lacks clarity. The suggested alternative is more concise and uses formal language.
"This can be due to the fact that flights and hotels can get very expensive unless you are ready to have very flexible travel dates and compromise your time and comfort." -> "This is because the cost of flights and accommodation can escalate significantly unless one is willing to be flexible with travel dates and compromise on time and comfort."
Explanation: The original phrase is wordy and lacks precision. The suggested alternative is more concise and maintains a formal tone.
"Consider airline tickets, for which the youth have to pay a much higher arising expense as a result of some unexpected circumstances." -> "Take airline tickets, which can become significantly more expensive for young people due to unforeseen circumstances, for example."
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and lacks clarity. The suggested alternative is more direct and uses formal language.
"Therefore, I consider that a practical approach is needed from personal developments to unlock potential career opportunities." -> "Therefore, I believe that a practical approach is necessary for personal development and to unlock potential career opportunities."
Explanation: The original phrase is wordy and lacks clarity. The suggested alternative is more concise and uses a more appropriate academic tone.
"This tactic not only allows you to build a stable network with fellow employees, customers and business owners, but it also convinces you with your own career choices." -> "This approach not only enables individuals to establish a stable network with colleagues, customers, and business owners but also reinforces their confidence in their career choices."
Explanation: The original phrase is unclear and uses informal language. The suggested alternative is more precise and maintains a formal tone.
"Hence, those practices could generally help university individuals to make better informed decisions." -> "Thus, these practices could generally assist university students in making more informed decisions."
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and lacks clarity. The suggested alternative is more concise and maintains a formal tone.
"In conclusion, while I admit traveling is somewhat important to improve some personal traits, I mostly believe that practical training should be implemented as it perhaps offers the opportunity for potential undergraduates." -> "In conclusion, while I acknowledge that travel can be important for personal development, I believe that practical training should be prioritized as it offers valuable opportunities for potential undergraduates."
Explanation: The original phrase is wordy and lacks clarity. The suggested alternative is more concise and maintains a formal tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay partially addresses all parts of the question. It acknowledges the debate between working experience and travel before university and asserts a preference for practical capability over travel. However, the response could be improved by providing more comprehensive analysis of both options and directly engaging with the contrasting perspectives presented in the prompt.
- How to improve: To enhance task response, ensure that all aspects of the prompt are thoroughly addressed. This includes examining the advantages and disadvantages of both working experience and travel, and considering opposing viewpoints in more depth. Incorporating specific examples and counterarguments can strengthen the essay’s argumentation.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, asserting that practical training is more beneficial than travel before university. This stance is consistently upheld and supported with reasoning.
- How to improve: To further strengthen clarity, ensure that each paragraph reinforces the central position. Clear topic sentences and transitions can help readers follow the argument more easily.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas, but they are somewhat underdeveloped and lack sufficient elaboration. While it briefly discusses the benefits of travel and the challenges associated with it, the analysis could be deeper and more nuanced. Additionally, the connection between practical training and career opportunities could be expanded upon.
- How to improve: To improve idea presentation, extend each point with specific examples, anecdotes, or evidence. Consider exploring the potential long-term benefits of both travel and practical training in greater detail. This will enrich the argument and provide a more comprehensive perspective.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the choice between working experience and travel before university. However, there are moments where the focus wavers, such as when discussing the financial risks of travel.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that every paragraph directly relates to the central argument and avoids tangential discussions. Stay mindful of the prompt’s scope and aim to address each point within its context.

Overall, while the essay effectively presents a clear position, it could benefit from deeper analysis, more developed ideas, and stricter adherence to the prompt’s requirements. By expanding on arguments, providing specific examples, and maintaining a laser focus on the prompt, the essay can achieve a higher band score for task response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic level of logical organization. Each paragraph focuses on a distinct aspect of the argument, starting with an introduction that presents the writer’s stance and followed by body paragraphs that elaborate on the benefits and challenges of both working and traveling. However, the essay lacks a clear progression of ideas within paragraphs, leading to some disjointedness in the flow of information. For instance, the transition between discussing the benefits of traveling to the challenges faced during travel is abrupt, without a smooth segue.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure that each paragraph follows a clear structure with a topic sentence that introduces the main idea, followed by supporting details and examples. Additionally, use transitional phrases or sentences to connect ideas within and between paragraphs, creating a seamless flow of information throughout the essay.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs to organize ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. However, the structure within paragraphs could be improved for better clarity and coherence. Some paragraphs lack a clear topic sentence, making it challenging for readers to discern the main point. Additionally, there is a need for more development within paragraphs, as some ideas are briefly mentioned without sufficient elaboration.
- How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph begins with a strong topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea of the paragraph. Then, provide detailed explanations, examples, and analysis to support the topic sentence. Use transitions to guide readers smoothly from one point to the next within paragraphs, maintaining coherence and cohesion.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases ("although," "however," "therefore") and pronouns ("this," "that"). However, the usage is limited, resulting in occasional choppiness in the essay’s flow. Furthermore, there is a lack of variety in cohesive devices, with repetitive use of certain phrases.
- How to improve: To enhance cohesion, strive to incorporate a wider range of cohesive devices, including conjunctions, transitional adverbs, and synonyms for repeated terms. Varying sentence structures can also contribute to smoother transitions between ideas. Additionally, pay attention to the placement of cohesive devices to ensure they effectively connect ideas and maintain coherence throughout the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

**Band Score for Lexical Resource**: 7

- **Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary**: 
  - **Detailed explanation**: Your essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with varied word choices that reflect a clear understanding of the topic. Words like "gap year," "traveling," "working practice," and "practical capability" are well-used in the context. Additionally, phrases such as "make a journey" and "improving personal traits" show that you can use different expressions to convey your ideas.
  - **How to improve**: Although your vocabulary range is good, consider incorporating more advanced or topic-specific terms to elevate your lexical variety. Words like "experiential learning," "cultural immersion," or "professional development" might add depth to your essay. Additionally, avoid repetitive phrases; for example, you use "traveling" and "journey" repeatedly in close proximity. Consider synonyms or rephrasing to avoid redundancy.

- **Use Vocabulary Precisely**: 
  - **Detailed explanation**: Generally, you use vocabulary appropriately, but there are instances where the precision could be improved. The phrase "a more meaningful option should be offered to practical capability" is a bit unclear; it's not immediately evident what "practical capability" refers to. The use of "in the face of financial risks" and "university individuals" also seems slightly off.
  - **How to improve**: To increase precision, ensure that your word choice accurately conveys the intended meaning. Consider rewording ambiguous phrases like "practical capability" to something clearer, such as "practical skills" or "professional experience." For "in the face of financial risks," a more direct expression like "due to financial constraints" would work better. Finally, using "university students" instead of "university individuals" would be more accurate.

- **Use Correct Spelling**: 
  - **Detailed explanation**: The spelling throughout your essay is generally correct, with no major errors noted. This contributes to the clarity and readability of your essay.
  - **How to improve**: Although your spelling is accurate, continue to proofread your work carefully to catch any potential errors. Reading your essay aloud or using digital tools to check for misspellings can help ensure a high level of accuracy.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably wide range of sentence structures, including complex sentences, conditional sentences, and examples of parallel structure. There are instances of varied sentence beginnings, although more variety in sentence types (e.g., compound-complex sentences) and lengths could enhance the overall fluency and complexity of the writing.
- How to improve: To further diversify sentence structures, try incorporating compound-complex sentences to combine ideas more intricately. Vary sentence lengths deliberately for a smoother flow and a more engaging reading experience. Consider using rhetorical devices like parallelism or inversion for added emphasis and style.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy with few errors. There are instances of subject-verb agreement issues ("Human characteristics… can be gradually stimulated"), preposition usage ("to unlock potential career opportunities"), and sentence structure clarity ("This is because every new thing would lead to the urge to open the mind of global students"). Punctuation is generally used correctly, but there are minor issues with comma splices and missing commas in complex sentences.
- How to improve: Review subject-verb agreement rules to ensure consistency throughout the essay. Pay attention to prepositions and their usage to improve sentence clarity and accuracy. Work on using commas effectively in complex sentences to avoid run-on sentences or comma splices. Proofread carefully to catch and correct minor punctuation errors that can affect readability.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and a decent range of sentence structures. With attention to detail and continued practice, you can enhance the complexity and accuracy of your writing, leading to even higher band scores in future assessments. Keep up the good work!

Bài sửa mẫu

Many argue that students considering a gap year before pursuing further study should prioritize work experience over travel. While traveling can have its merits, I contend that placing greater emphasis on practical skills is more meaningful.

I acknowledge that travel can contribute to personal growth. Characteristics such as curiosity and creativity are often stimulated when individuals explore new regions or countries. This is because encountering new experiences often stimulates students’ curiosity, leading to enhanced creativity, particularly when faced with unfamiliar situations. For instance, when asking for directions or engaging in conversations with locals, undergraduates may need to creatively utilize body language to communicate effectively.

However, there are challenges associated with traveling, particularly financial risks. This is because the cost of flights and accommodation can escalate significantly unless one is willing to be flexible with travel dates and compromise on time and comfort. Take airline tickets, for example, which can become significantly more expensive for young people due to unforeseen circumstances.

Therefore, I believe that a practical approach is necessary for personal development and to unlock potential career opportunities. This approach not only enables individuals to establish a stable network with colleagues, customers, and business owners but also reinforces their confidence in their career choices. Thus, these practices could generally assist university students in making more informed decisions.

In conclusion, while I acknowledge that travel can be important for personal development, I believe that practical training should be prioritized as it offers valuable opportunities for potential undergraduates.