Some think college is best for career preparation, while others prefer gaining work experience early. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
There is ongoing debate about whether the best way to have stable work for students is to apply for universities or go to work as soon as possible. In my perspective, students should balance between engaging compulsory classes and having an intern profession. Because both specialized knowledge and experience are crucial to get a high-paying profession.
Primary, there are many reasons why some people believe that if students apply to high-qualified universities, they will prepare for their career well. The studies at the Economic News indicated 78% of banks, companies, manufactures require degrees or at least graduated high school from jobseekers. To be specific, a person who is finding a profession could have a huge opportunity to be chosen when they have degrees or high school graduations. Besides that many members of society maintain that experience plays a crucial role when individuals apply to companies. Firstly, employers tend to choose experienced employees because they have high work productivity and easily get access to academic information and tools. A famous economist said that “ Why do I have to hire two staffs working the same as 1 productive staff”. In such cases, experienced students can be dignified, have greater employment possibilities.
In my view, young members of society should prepare themselves with both knowledge from universities, extracurricular and intern training. Nowadays, the job market has high-demand for jobseekers and higher unemployment rates, which means that they have to prepare as much as possible to decrease the risk of being unemployed. University students should be diligent in their studies and have part-time professions in their leisure time.
In conclusion, many people believe that degrees are crucial to find jobs but others maintain that having professional experience will make it easier to get a profession. In my opinion, young members of society should balance between the two by being diligent at school and having a part time job in their free time.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"Primary" -> "Firstly"
Explanation: Replacing "Primary" with "Firstly" enhances the formality of the transition, making it more suitable for academic writing.
"high-qualified" -> "highly qualified"
Explanation: "High-qualified" is not a standard term; replacing it with "highly qualified" maintains correctness and aligns with formal language conventions.
"Because both specialized knowledge and experience are crucial to get a high-paying profession." -> "Because acquiring both specialized knowledge and practical experience is crucial for obtaining a high-paying profession."
Explanation: The revised sentence provides a more nuanced and formal expression, clarifying the importance of both knowledge and experience in pursuing a high-paying profession.
"Economic News" -> "Economic News studies"
Explanation: Adding "studies" after "Economic News" clarifies that the information is derived from research or studies conducted by Economic News, contributing to precision in academic referencing.
"degrees or at least graduated high school" -> "degrees or, at the very least, high school graduation"
Explanation: Restructuring the phrase for grammatical correctness and formality, using "at the very least" adds emphasis and clarity to the alternative educational requirement.
"To be specific, a person who is finding a profession could have a huge opportunity" -> "To be specific, an individual seeking a profession could significantly enhance their opportunities"
Explanation: The revision offers a more formal and precise expression, avoiding the informal "huge" and replacing it with "significantly enhance."
"Besides that many members of society maintain that experience plays a crucial role when individuals apply to companies." -> "Furthermore, many members of society contend that experience plays a pivotal role in individuals’ job applications."
Explanation: The suggested changes contribute to a more formal tone, using "furthermore" for smoother transition and replacing "crucial" with "pivotal" for a more sophisticated term.
"employers tend to choose experienced employees because they have high work productivity and easily get access to academic information and tools." -> "employers prefer experienced candidates for their heightened productivity and ready access to academic information and tools."
Explanation: The revision refines the sentence, replacing informal language with a more formal and precise expression, such as "prefer" instead of "tend to choose."
"A famous economist said that ‘Why do I have to hire two staffs working the same as 1 productive staff’." -> "A renowned economist once stated, ‘Why hire two individuals doing the same work as one productive staff?’"
Explanation: The revision uses "renowned" instead of "famous" for a more formal tone and adjusts the quote for grammatical accuracy and clarity.
"In my view, young members of society should prepare themselves with both knowledge from universities, extracurricular and intern training." -> "In my perspective, young individuals should equip themselves with knowledge acquired from universities, extracurricular activities, and internships."
Explanation: The suggested changes enhance formality and clarity by specifying the sources of knowledge and using "perspective" instead of "view."
"Nowadays, the job market has high-demand for jobseekers and higher unemployment rates, which means that they have to prepare as much as possible to decrease the risk of being unemployed." -> "In the current job market, there is high demand for jobseekers alongside elevated unemployment rates, necessitating thorough preparation to mitigate the risk of unemployment."
Explanation: The revision improves the formality and precision of the sentence, replacing "Nowadays" with "In the current job market" and refining the phrasing for clarity.
"University students should be diligent in their studies and have part-time professions in their leisure time." -> "University students should diligently pursue their studies while engaging in part-time employment during their leisure hours."
Explanation: The changes contribute to a more formal and precise expression, using "diligently pursue" and restructuring the sentence for clarity.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both aspects of the prompt – the choice between attending college for career preparation and gaining work experience early. The writer discusses the benefits of university education and work experience, presenting a balanced perspective. However, the explanation could be more detailed and nuanced. For example, it would be beneficial to explore potential drawbacks of each approach.
- How to improve: To enhance task response, the essay should delve deeper into the advantages and disadvantages of both attending college and gaining early work experience. Providing more specific examples and elaborating on the potential challenges or benefits of each option will contribute to a more comprehensive answer.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance that students should balance university education and work experience. The writer consistently advocates for a combination of academic knowledge and practical skills. The position is evident in the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
- How to improve: To further strengthen the clarity of the position, the writer could explicitly state their opinion in the introduction and conclusion. This would leave no room for ambiguity and reinforce the central argument throughout the essay.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas adequately, discussing the importance of degrees and work experience. However, some ideas could be further extended and supported with additional examples or evidence. For instance, the essay mentions the high demand in the job market but lacks specific details or statistics to bolster this claim.
- How to improve: To improve idea presentation, the writer should provide more concrete examples, statistics, or anecdotes to support key points. Elaborating on the consequences of the high-demand job market and the value of being well-prepared would enhance the overall development of ideas.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic but occasionally lacks precision. There are instances where the connection between the discussion and the prompt could be more explicit. For example, the transition between discussing the demand for degrees and the need for experience could be smoother.
- How to improve: To stay more focused, the writer should ensure that each paragraph directly relates to the prompt. Transitional phrases and clear topic sentences can help maintain coherence and guide the reader through the essay’s logical progression.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the prompt and effectively communicates the writer’s perspective. To improve, the writer should provide more nuanced analysis, explicitly state their opinion, offer detailed support for ideas, and enhance the overall coherence of the essay.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally organizes information logically, starting with an introduction, followed by body paragraphs that present contrasting views, and concluding with a summary of the author’s opinion. However, there are instances where the flow of ideas is disrupted, such as the abrupt transition between the first and second paragraphs. This creates a slight lack of cohesion.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the author should work on smoother transitions between paragraphs. Use transitional phrases or sentences to guide the reader from one idea to the next. For instance, a more explicit transition sentence between the introduction and the first body paragraph would improve coherence.
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs, but their structure and effectiveness vary. While the introduction and conclusion are well-structured, the body paragraphs lack clarity due to the absence of distinct topic sentences. Additionally, the second body paragraph is overly long, which affects readability.
- How to improve: Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea. Break down lengthy paragraphs into smaller, more focused ones to enhance clarity and readability. This will facilitate a smoother flow of ideas and make it easier for the reader to follow the argument.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, including transitional words (e.g., "firstly," "besides that," "in my view," "in conclusion"). However, some are used repetitively, and others could be more strategically placed for better coherence.
- How to improve: Diversify the use of cohesive devices to avoid repetition. Additionally, consider the placement of transitional phrases to ensure a more seamless connection between sentences and ideas. For instance, using cohesive devices to link supporting examples within paragraphs would enhance overall coherence.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid level of coherence and cohesion, improvements in the transitions between paragraphs, the structure of body paragraphs, and the strategic use of cohesive devices would further enhance the overall clarity and effectiveness of the argument.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary, with the usage of words like "high-qualified," "compulsory classes," "extracurricular," "unemployment rates," and "part-time professions." However, there is room for improvement in diversifying vocabulary further to enhance the overall lexical variety.
- How to improve: To enrich your vocabulary, consider incorporating more synonyms and exploring varied expressions for commonly used terms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "profession," you could use alternatives such as "occupation," "career," or "vocation" where contextually appropriate. This will enhance the sophistication of your language.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The usage of vocabulary is generally precise; however, there are instances where more specific terms could be employed. For example, the phrase "intern profession" might benefit from a more exact term like "internship." Additionally, in the sentence "young members of society should balance between engaging compulsory classes and having an intern profession," the term "engaging" might be too broad, and a more precise term, such as "enrolling in," could be used.
- How to improve: Aim for more precision by choosing words that precisely convey your intended meaning. Review your essay to identify instances where you can replace general terms with more specific ones. This will enhance the clarity and impact of your expressions.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few instances where errors, such as "high-qualified" (should be "highly qualified") and "intern profession" (could be "internship"), are present. These instances do not significantly hinder understanding but addressing them would contribute to a more polished presentation.
- How to improve: Pay close attention to spelling, and consider utilizing spelling and grammar-checking tools to catch and correct errors. Additionally, proofreading your work before submission can help identify and rectify spelling issues, ensuring a higher level of accuracy.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures, including simple and complex sentences. However, there is room for improvement as some sentence structures are repeated, affecting the overall range. For example, the frequent use of simple sentences may hinder the essay’s sophistication.
- How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as compound and compound-complex sentences. Additionally, vary sentence beginnings and lengths for a more engaging and diverse writing style. Introduce clauses, use different sentence openers, and experiment with sentence types to create a more dynamic narrative.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits a good grasp of grammar and punctuation, but there are instances of errors that slightly impact clarity. For instance, in the sentence "Because both specialized knowledge and experience are crucial to get a high-paying profession," the preposition "to" is missing after "crucial," affecting the sentence’s coherence.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, pay attention to sentence structure and ensure proper usage of prepositions. Proofread the essay carefully to catch such errors. Additionally, vary punctuation use to add nuance to the writing. Use commas for clarity and to separate ideas effectively. In the sentence, "Nowadays, the job market has high-demand for jobseekers and higher unemployment rates," consider rephrasing for better clarity: "Nowadays, the job market has a high demand for job seekers, resulting in higher unemployment rates."
Overall, the essay displays competent language skills, but refining sentence structures for greater variety and addressing occasional grammatical errors will contribute to an even more effective presentation.
Bài sửa mẫu
The ongoing debate centers around whether students should pursue higher education at universities or dive into the workforce immediately for stable employment. In my perspective, students should strike a balance by attending mandatory classes while also engaging in internships. This approach is essential because both specialized knowledge and practical experience are vital for securing lucrative professions.
Firstly, some argue that attending highly qualified universities is the best way for students to prepare for their careers. According to Economic News studies, 78% of banks, companies, and manufacturers require jobseekers to possess degrees or, at the very least, have graduated from high school. To be specific, an individual seeking a profession significantly enhances their opportunities by holding degrees or high school graduation. Moreover, many in society contend that experience plays a pivotal role in job applications. Employers, in particular, prefer candidates with experience due to their heightened productivity and ready access to academic information and tools. As a renowned economist once stated, “Why hire two individuals doing the same work as one productive staff?” In this context, experienced individuals stand out and have greater employment possibilities.
In my view, young individuals should equip themselves with knowledge acquired from universities, extracurricular activities, and internships. In the current job market, there is high demand for jobseekers alongside elevated unemployment rates, necessitating thorough preparation to mitigate the risk of unemployment. Therefore, university students should diligently pursue their studies while engaging in part-time employment during their leisure hours.
In conclusion, while some emphasize the importance of degrees in job hunting, others stress the significance of professional experience. In my opinion, young individuals should strike a balance between the two by being diligent at school and having part-time jobs in their free time. This dual approach ensures a well-rounded preparation for the challenges of the job market.