Some think that competition at school, work, and in daily life is a good thing. Others think that we should try to cooperate more, rather than competing against each other. Discuss both views and give your opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Some think that competition at school, work, and in daily life is a good thing. Others think that we should try to cooperate more, rather than competing against each other.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
In the current time, rivalry has become increasingly common in many aspects of our lives. Some individuals believe that competition at work, school, and even in a single day is good for a person. By contrast, others say that the solidarity that is underpinned leads to success. In this essay, the chief purpose is to clarify both perspectives.
It is unlikely that without competition in people's life. Contention is an integral element for improving ourselves and can push us to work harder to beat others to have a better choice for the journey of our career. For instance, you can see that competition between corporations that have the same products, always try considering different strategies to sell their commodities and achieve rewards. Moreover, it occurs not only in a competitive working environment but also in school. For example, students never give up learning because of the opportunities at the top university.
On the other hand, some people claim that emphasizing coordination will accelerate the journey of success and develop soft skills. For instance, by taking part in developing projects together, you will enhance your social skills such as leadership skills, problem-solving skills, or communication skills. In addition, cooperation can bring a number of benefits to society and the world. For example, there are several clubs in which people can become volunteers to assist rural areas by contributing clothes, money, or food.
In conclusion, both views have their own advantages and disadvantages. However, I side with people who should have cooperated more. We can study experience and knowledge from other people and improve essential skills for our lives.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"In the current time" -> "Currently"
Explanation: "Currently" is a more concise and formal alternative to "In the current time," which is redundant and less commonly used in academic writing. -
"rivalry has become increasingly common" -> "competition has become increasingly prevalent"
Explanation: "Prevalent" is a more precise term than "common" in academic contexts, emphasizing the widespread nature of the phenomenon. -
"good for a person" -> "beneficial for individuals"
Explanation: "Beneficial for individuals" is more formal and specific than "good for a person," which is somewhat vague and informal. -
"the solidarity that is underpinned leads to success" -> "solidarity fosters success"
Explanation: "Fosters" is a more direct and academically appropriate verb than "leads to," which can imply a more passive or indirect relationship. -
"the chief purpose is to clarify both perspectives" -> "the primary objective is to elucidate both viewpoints"
Explanation: "Elucidate" is a more formal synonym for "clarify," and "viewpoints" is preferred over "perspectives" in academic writing for discussing opposing opinions. -
"It is unlikely that without competition in people’s life" -> "It is unlikely that life without competition"
Explanation: Simplifying the phrase improves clarity and maintains a formal tone. -
"Contestion is an integral element for improving ourselves" -> "Competition is an essential element for personal improvement"
Explanation: "Essential" is more precise than "integral," and "personal improvement" is a clearer and more formal phrase than "improving ourselves." -
"can push us to work harder to beat others to have a better choice for the journey of our career" -> "can motivate us to work harder to outperform others and enhance our career prospects"
Explanation: "Motivate" is more specific than "push," and "outperform" and "enhance our career prospects" are more precise and formal than "beat others to have a better choice." -
"you can see that competition between corporations" -> "it is evident that competition among corporations"
Explanation: "It is evident" is a more formal expression than "you can see," and "among" is the correct preposition for referring to multiple entities in a competitive context. -
"always try considering different strategies" -> "constantly explore various strategies"
Explanation: "Constantly explore" is more formal and precise than "always try considering," and "various" is more appropriate than "different" in this context. -
"emphasizing coordination will accelerate the journey of success" -> "emphasizing cooperation accelerates the path to success"
Explanation: "Cooperation" is more specific than "coordination," and "path to success" is a more formal expression than "journey of success." -
"develop soft skills" -> "cultivate soft skills"
Explanation: "Cultivate" is a more precise and formal term than "develop" in the context of skill acquisition. -
"by taking part in developing projects together" -> "through collaborative project development"
Explanation: "Through collaborative project development" is a more concise and formal way to express the idea. -
"you will enhance your social skills" -> "you will develop your interpersonal skills"
Explanation: "Interpersonal skills" is a more specific and academically appropriate term than "social skills" in this context. -
"We can study experience and knowledge from other people" -> "We can learn from the experiences and knowledge of others"
Explanation: "Learn from the experiences and knowledge of others" is more grammatically correct and formal than "study experience and knowledge from other people." -
"improve essential skills for our lives" -> "enhance essential skills for personal development"
Explanation: "Enhance essential skills for personal development" is more specific and formal, aligning better with academic style.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both views regarding competition and cooperation, presenting arguments for each side. The first body paragraph discusses the benefits of competition, highlighting its role in personal improvement and motivation. The second body paragraph presents the advantages of cooperation, emphasizing the development of soft skills and societal benefits. However, the essay could have more explicitly stated the author’s opinion in the introduction and provided a more thorough exploration of each viewpoint.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the author should ensure that each perspective is explored in greater depth, perhaps by including more examples or evidence. Additionally, the introduction could clearly outline the author’s stance on the issue, which would help in addressing all parts of the question more comprehensively.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position in the conclusion, stating a preference for cooperation over competition. However, this position is not consistently reinforced throughout the essay. The introduction suggests a neutral stance, which may confuse readers about the author’s true opinion until the conclusion.
- How to improve: The author should maintain a consistent position throughout the essay. This can be achieved by clearly stating their viewpoint in the introduction and reiterating it in each body paragraph. Using phrases such as "In my opinion" or "I believe" can help clarify the author’s stance and guide the reader.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas related to both competition and cooperation. However, the support for these ideas is somewhat limited. For instance, while the essay mentions competition among corporations and the benefits of cooperation in developing social skills, these points could be further elaborated with additional examples or explanations.
- How to improve: To strengthen the essay, the author should aim to extend their ideas by providing more detailed examples or case studies that illustrate their points. This could involve discussing specific instances of successful cooperation or competition, or incorporating data or research findings to substantiate their claims.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing competition and cooperation as requested by the prompt. However, there are moments where the connection to the main topic could be clearer. For example, the mention of volunteering in rural areas, while relevant to cooperation, could be more directly tied back to the main argument about how cooperation leads to success.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that every example and point made directly relates back to the central theme of competition versus cooperation. It may be helpful to include transitional phrases that explicitly connect examples to the main argument, reinforcing the relevance of each point made in relation to the prompt.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both views, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively sets up the topic and states the purpose of the essay. Each body paragraph addresses one perspective, which helps in maintaining a logical flow. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother; for example, the shift from discussing competition to cooperation could benefit from a more explicit linking statement that highlights the contrast between the two views.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that clearly indicate shifts in perspective or argument. For instance, phrases like "Conversely," or "In contrast," can help guide the reader through the argument more effectively. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that summarizes the main point can further strengthen the logical flow.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs appropriately, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The first body paragraph discusses the benefits of competition, while the second addresses the advantages of cooperation. However, the paragraphs could be more developed; for instance, the first paragraph could include more examples or elaboration on how competition specifically benefits individuals and society.
- How to improve: To improve paragraph effectiveness, ensure that each paragraph contains a clear main idea supported by specific examples and explanations. Consider expanding on each point made within the paragraphs. For example, in the competition paragraph, you could elaborate on how competition in schools leads to better academic performance or personal growth, providing concrete examples to support your claims.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "Moreover," "For instance," and "In addition," which help to connect ideas within and between paragraphs. However, there is a tendency to rely on a limited range of cohesive devices, which can make the writing feel repetitive at times. For example, the phrase "For instance" is used multiple times without variation.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. Consider using alternatives such as "Additionally," "Furthermore," or "On the other hand," to introduce new ideas or examples. Additionally, using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned ideas can help create cohesion without repetitive phrasing. For example, instead of repeating "competition," you could use "this rivalry" or "such competition" in subsequent sentences.
By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can enhance its coherence and cohesion, potentially leading to a higher band score in future assessments.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, but it lacks variety and sophistication in word choice. For instance, terms like "competition," "cooperation," and "skills" are repeated without much variation. Phrases like "better choice for the journey of our career" could be expressed more vividly or with more precise terminology. The use of "individuals" and "people" is somewhat repetitive, and there is a missed opportunity to incorporate synonyms or more nuanced vocabulary.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should consider using synonyms and more specific terms. For example, instead of repeating "competition," alternatives like "rivalry," "contest," or "struggle" could be employed. Additionally, exploring phrases that convey the same ideas with more depth, such as "enhancing one’s career prospects" instead of "better choice for the journey of our career," would improve lexical variety.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay contains some precise vocabulary, there are instances of imprecise usage that could lead to confusion. For example, the phrase "the solidarity that is underpinned leads to success" is vague and could be misinterpreted. The term "contention" is used, but it may not convey the intended meaning of "competition" in this context. Furthermore, the phrase "accelerate the journey of success" could be clearer; "accelerate success" might be more straightforward.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on clarity and appropriateness of word choice. Instead of using "solidarity," a term like "collaboration" or "teamwork" might be more fitting. The writer should also ensure that terms are used in their correct context and consider simplifying complex phrases to enhance understanding. Regularly reviewing vocabulary in context can help refine this skill.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates correct spelling, with no glaring errors that impede understanding. However, there are minor issues, such as "top university," which could be more accurately phrased as "top universities" to reflect plurality. The phrase "by taking part in developing projects together" is slightly awkward, and while not a spelling error, it could benefit from clearer phrasing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular proofreading practices. Reading the essay aloud can help catch awkward phrases and ensure clarity. Additionally, utilizing spell-check tools and maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words can aid in improving overall spelling proficiency.
In summary, while the essay achieves a Band 6 for Lexical Resource, there is significant room for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling. By diversifying word choice, ensuring clarity in vocabulary usage, and maintaining careful attention to spelling, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of "By contrast, others say that the solidarity that is underpinned leads to success" showcases a complex structure that effectively conveys a contrasting viewpoint. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, such as the frequent use of "For example," which can detract from the overall variety. Additionally, the sentence "It is unlikely that without competition in people’s life" is awkwardly phrased and lacks clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more varied transitions and introductory phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "For example," alternatives like "To illustrate," "A case in point," or "Consider the situation where" could be employed. Additionally, revising awkward sentences for clarity and complexity, such as rephrasing "It is unlikely that without competition in people’s life" to "It is difficult to imagine a life devoid of competition," would improve both clarity and grammatical range.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains good grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that affect clarity. For instance, the phrase "the solidarity that is underpinned leads to success" is unclear, as "solidarity" should be more clearly defined in this context. Punctuation is mostly correct, but there are instances where commas could enhance readability, such as before "but also in school" in the sentence "Moreover, it occurs not only in a competitive working environment but also in school."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on clarity and precision in word choice. Revising unclear phrases and ensuring that subjects and verbs agree will enhance the overall quality. For punctuation, the writer should practice using commas to separate clauses and list items more effectively. For example, the sentence "For instance, you can see that competition between corporations that have the same products, always try considering different strategies to sell their commodities and achieve rewards" could be restructured for clarity and punctuation accuracy: "For instance, competition between corporations offering similar products often drives them to consider different strategies for selling their goods and achieving rewards."
By addressing these areas, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.
Bài sửa mẫu
In the current time, rivalry has become increasingly common in many aspects of our lives. Some individuals believe that competition at work, school, and even in daily life is good for a person. By contrast, others say that the solidarity that is fostered leads to success. In this essay, the primary objective is to elucidate both viewpoints.
It is unlikely to imagine life without competition. Competition is an essential element for personal improvement and can motivate us to work harder to outperform others and enhance our career prospects. For instance, you can see that competition between corporations that have the same products constantly explores various strategies to sell their commodities and achieve rewards. Moreover, it occurs not only in a competitive working environment but also in schools. For example, students never give up learning because of the opportunities at top universities.
On the other hand, some people claim that emphasizing cooperation will accelerate the path to success and help cultivate soft skills. For instance, by taking part in collaborative project development, you will develop your interpersonal skills such as leadership, problem-solving, and communication. In addition, cooperation can bring a number of benefits to society and the world. For example, there are several clubs in which people can become volunteers to assist rural areas by contributing clothes, money, or food.
In conclusion, both views have their own advantages and disadvantages. However, I side with those who believe we should cooperate more. We can learn from the experiences and knowledge of others and enhance essential skills for our lives.
