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Some university students want to learn about other subjects in addition to their main subjects. Others believe it is more important to give all their time and attention to studying for a qualification. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Some university students want to learn about other subjects in addition to their main subjects. Others believe it is more important to give all their time and attention to studying for a qualification. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Some higher education students argue that they should be given the opportunity to pursue a wide range of academic fields in their program, while others believe that it is more appropriate for those to specialize solely in a major area. This essay will discuss both sides of the argument, and I personally believe that the choice of educational approach should depend on students' career aspirations after graduation.
There are several reasons why some students are willing to diversify their curriculum. Firstly, exposure to various subjects enhances undergraduates' understanding of different aspects of life. For instance, a business student delving into psychology might develop a deeper insight into consumer behavior, fostering a more comprehensive approach to marketing strategies. Secondly, when university students study a diversity of subjects, this could help facilitate their future career preparation. This is because people who have an overview on different perspectives are more likely to come up with more effective solutions, which increase their employability.
However, it appears to be more appropriate and practical for several professions to focus on one specialization. For example, educating a lawyer or a medical practitioner may require a significant investment of time and money. A prospective surgeon must dedicate extensive time to master surgical techniques, leaving little room for unrelated subjects. Moreover, by specializing early and immersing themselves in clinical rotations, students could gained a profound understanding of their chosen field, ultimately excelling in their future career.
In conclusion, while the question of whether tertiary education should provide a variety of subjects is controversial, I believe that students should consider their future career path before choosing a suitable university program aligned with their career goals and the demands of their chosen professions.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Some higher education students argue" -> "Some tertiary education students contend"
    Explanation: Replacing "higher education" with "tertiary education" is more formal and academically precise. Additionally, substituting "argue" with "contend" elevates the formality of the language.

  2. "pursue a wide range of academic fields" -> "pursue a diverse array of academic disciplines"
    Explanation: Replacing "academic fields" with "academic disciplines" provides a more specific and formal term. "Diverse array" is also more sophisticated than "wide range."

  3. "more appropriate for those to specialize solely" -> "more appropriate for individuals to specialize exclusively"
    Explanation: Replacing "those" with "individuals" adds formality, and substituting "solely" with "exclusively" enhances precision and academic tone.

  4. "This essay will discuss both sides of the argument" -> "This essay will explore both perspectives of the discourse"
    Explanation: Replacing "discuss" with "explore" adds sophistication, and "perspectives of the discourse" is more formal than "sides of the argument."

  5. "I personally believe" -> "I am of the opinion"
    Explanation: Eliminating "personally" and using "I am of the opinion" adds formality and avoids redundancy.

  6. "For instance" -> "For example"
    Explanation: "For example" is a more formal phrase commonly used in academic writing.

  7. "delving into psychology" -> "exploring the field of psychology"
    Explanation: "Delving into" is more casual; "exploring the field of psychology" maintains formality.

  8. "fostering a more comprehensive approach" -> "cultivating a more comprehensive perspective"
    Explanation: Replacing "fostering" with "cultivating" and "approach" with "perspective" enhances formality.

  9. "university students" -> "undergraduates"
    Explanation: Using "undergraduates" is more specific and formal than the general term "university students."

  10. "it appears to be more appropriate" -> "it seems more fitting"
    Explanation: "It seems more fitting" is a more formal expression than "it appears to be more appropriate."

  11. "a significant investment of time and money" -> "a substantial investment of time and financial resources"
    Explanation: "Financial resources" is more formal than "money," and "substantial" adds precision.

  12. "dedicate extensive time" -> "devote considerable time"
    Explanation: "Devote considerable time" is a more formal expression.

  13. "immersing themselves" -> "engaging deeply"
    Explanation: "Engaging deeply" is a more sophisticated alternative to "immersing themselves."

  14. "gained a profound understanding" -> "attained a profound comprehension"
    Explanation: "Attained a profound comprehension" is more formal and precise than "gained a profound understanding."

  15. "controversial" -> "debated"
    Explanation: "Debated" is a more formal term for expressing controversy in academic contexts.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both sides of the argument as required by the prompt. It acknowledges the perspective of students who advocate for a diverse curriculum and those who emphasize specialization. Relevant sections supporting these viewpoints are present, demonstrating a balanced approach.
    • How to improve: To enhance comprehensiveness, consider providing more depth to the discussion of each perspective. For instance, elaborate further on the benefits and drawbacks of both diversifying the curriculum and specializing. Additionally, explicitly connect your personal opinion to the preceding analysis for a more integrated response.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent stance, stating the author’s personal belief that the choice of educational approach should depend on students’ career aspirations. This position is evident throughout the essay and is not obscured by conflicting statements.
    • How to improve: While the stance is clear, consider reinforcing it by integrating it more explicitly into the analysis of each perspective. Ensure that your opinion is consistently evident in each section, contributing to a more cohesive and unified argument.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents ideas, provides examples, and supports them with relevant details. For instance, the illustration of a business student gaining insights into consumer behavior through psychology exemplifies the advantages of a diversified curriculum. Additionally, the mention of the time and financial investment required for professions like law and medicine supports the argument for specialization.
    • How to improve: To enhance the depth of your argument, consider providing more examples and elaboration, especially when discussing the benefits of specialization. This will strengthen your position and provide a more comprehensive understanding of the topic.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by addressing the prompt’s core elements, discussing both views and presenting a personal opinion. However, there is a slight deviation in the conclusion where the focus shifts to the controversy of tertiary education providing a variety of subjects. It would be more precise to directly tie the conclusion back to the importance of considering future career paths.
    • How to improve: Maintain a consistent focus on the main elements of the prompt throughout the essay. In the conclusion, reiterate the connection between educational approach, career goals, and chosen professions to ensure a more aligned and concise ending.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong grasp of the task requirements, effectively addressing the prompt’s elements. To further enhance the response, consider incorporating more depth into the analysis, reinforcing your personal opinion, and ensuring a consistent focus throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. The introduction clearly presents the topic and the writer’s opinion. Each body paragraph explores a distinct aspect of the argument, supporting it with examples and reasoning. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and reiterates the writer’s stance. However, there is room for improvement in the transitions between paragraphs, as some connections between ideas could be smoother.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases to guide the reader from one point to the next. For instance, use words like "Furthermore" or "On the other hand" to signal shifts in focus and maintain a seamless progression of ideas.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively, with clear separation of distinct ideas. Each paragraph is well-structured, containing a topic sentence followed by supporting details. However, in the third paragraph, the shift from discussing reasons for diversification to the counterargument could be more explicit.
    • How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that aligns with the overall argument. In the third paragraph, explicitly signal the shift from discussing reasons for diversification to presenting the opposing view. This will enhance coherence and help the reader follow the argument more easily.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "Secondly," and "Moreover," which contribute to the overall coherence. Additionally, pronouns like "this" and "these" are used to reference previously mentioned ideas. However, some transitions could be more refined for smoother coherence.
    • How to improve: Consider incorporating a wider range of cohesive devices, such as conjunctions like "Nevertheless" or "Conversely," to diversify the essay’s structure. Additionally, pay attention to the placement of transitional words to ensure a seamless connection between sentences and ideas. This will enhance the overall flow of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some attempt to incorporate diverse words and expressions. For example, the use of terms like "fostering," "employability," and "controversial" showcases an attempt at variety. However, there is room for improvement in introducing more sophisticated and nuanced vocabulary to elevate the overall lexical richness.
    • How to improve: To enhance the score in this criterion, consider incorporating more specialized and precise vocabulary related to the discussed academic fields. For instance, instead of using generic terms like "diversify their curriculum," consider more field-specific language like "broaden their academic scope" or "expand their intellectual horizons."
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with reasonable precision, but there are instances where the language could be more precise. For instance, the phrase "students could gained" contains a grammatical error, and replacing it with "students could gain" would improve accuracy and precision.
    • How to improve: Proofread the essay carefully to catch such grammatical errors. Additionally, focus on using precise terms that accurately convey your intended meaning. Instead of general phrases like "various subjects," consider specifying the academic disciplines being discussed for greater precision.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a generally correct level of spelling throughout. However, there are a few minor errors, such as "immersing" (should be "immersing themselves") and "gained" (should be "gain"). These errors, while not pervasive, slightly affect the overall impression of language accuracy.
    • How to improve: Continue paying attention to spelling details during the proofreading process. Consider reading the essay aloud or using spell-check tools to catch minor errors. Additionally, reviewing common spelling challenges in academic vocabulary may contribute to further accuracy.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a commendable use of vocabulary, but there is room for improvement in terms of lexical variety, precision, and spelling accuracy. Focus on incorporating more specific and sophisticated vocabulary related to the academic context and ensure meticulous proofreading to enhance overall language precision and correctness.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a reasonably varied range of sentence structures. It incorporates simple and complex sentences effectively. For example, the introduction starts with a complex sentence, and there’s a good mix of compound and complex structures throughout. However, there is room for improvement by introducing more complex sentence structures, such as using relative clauses or conditional sentences, to enhance the overall sophistication of the writing.
    • How to improve: To elevate the grammatical range, consider incorporating relative clauses and conditional sentences. For instance, in the second paragraph, when discussing the benefits of diversifying the curriculum, you can use relative clauses to provide additional information about the examples presented. This not only adds complexity but also enriches the overall expression.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally accurate use of grammar and punctuation. However, there are a few instances where subject-verb agreement could be strengthened, such as in the sentence "students could gained a profound understanding." Additionally, there are a few places where more sophisticated punctuation, such as semicolons or colons, could be employed to enhance sentence structure.
    • How to improve: Pay careful attention to subject-verb agreement, ensuring consistency throughout the essay. In the mentioned example, it should be "students could gain." Additionally, experiment with using semicolons or colons in appropriate contexts, especially when separating closely related independent clauses. For instance, in the concluding paragraph, a well-placed semicolon could enhance the flow and coherence.

Overall, the essay exhibits a solid command of grammar and a reasonable variety of sentence structures. To reach a higher band score, focus on refining subject-verb agreement and incorporating more diverse sentence structures, particularly through the use of relative clauses and advanced punctuation.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some university students argue that they should have the chance to explore a diverse array of academic disciplines within their program, while others contend that it is more appropriate for individuals to specialize exclusively in a major area. This essay will explore both perspectives of the discourse, and I am of the opinion that the choice of educational approach should depend on students’ career aspirations after graduation.

There are several reasons why some students are open to pursuing a wide range of subjects. Firstly, exposure to various disciplines enhances undergraduates’ understanding of different aspects of life. For example, a business student exploring the field of psychology might cultivate a more comprehensive perspective on consumer behavior, contributing to a more nuanced approach to marketing strategies. Secondly, engaging deeply with a diversity of subjects can aid in future career preparation. People with an overview of different perspectives are more likely to generate effective solutions, thereby increasing their employability.

However, it seems more fitting and practical for certain professions to emphasize specialization. For instance, the education of a lawyer or a medical practitioner may demand a substantial investment of time and financial resources. A prospective surgeon must devote considerable time to mastering surgical techniques, leaving little room for unrelated subjects. Moreover, by specializing early and immersing themselves in clinical rotations, students can attain a profound comprehension of their chosen field, ultimately excelling in their future career.

In conclusion, while the question of whether tertiary education should offer a variety of subjects is debated, I believe that students should consider their future career path before choosing a university program aligned with their career goals and the demands of their chosen professions.

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