Some university students want to learn about other subjects in addition to their main subjects. Others believe it is more important to give all their time and attention to studying for a qualification.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
A much debated question is whether university learners should only focus on their major subjects or study additional ones. While the idea of only learning their main qualification receives widespread support, the advocacy of learning other also emerges noticeably. To express my approval towards both views, this essay will discuss the two sides of the debate.
On the one hand, there are multiple reasons why the former viewpoint provides a myriad of benefits. It is a well-known fact that by only focusing on major thesis, pupils' study burden would be alleviated as they will have more time to gather knowledge as well as practice their skills, which would enhance their understanding in their concentration. Furthermore, this learning process not only could provide students with multiple opportunities to develop a deeper connection with their specialised subjects, but also their knowledge would be more permanent.
On the other hand, there also are some arguments in favor of the latter one. One of the explanations is that acquaintance from a variety of subjects could aid pupils in the future when they already graduated, saving their time and effort for other crucial tasks. Another convincing point is that consuming multiple subjects' knowledge outside of major would expand their social circle due to their attendance in various classes. Additionally, having more companions in college would encourage their enthusiasm in study, leading to improved grades.
In conclusion, the aforementioned facts have outlined the advantages of both sides of the debate. While the two methods are a two-side sword with their own disadvantages, it is up to the students to decide which is better.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"a much debated question" -> "a much-debated issue"
Explanation: Using the hyphenated form "much-debated" adheres to a more formal style, and "issue" is a more academic term than "question."
"main qualification" -> "primary field of study"
Explanation: "Primary field of study" is a more precise and formal alternative to "main qualification."
"receives widespread support" -> "gains widespread support"
Explanation: The verb "gains" is more appropriate in this context as it conveys the idea of accumulating or achieving support.
"advocacy of learning other also emerges noticeably" -> "advocacy of studying additional subjects also becomes noticeable"
Explanation: "Studying additional subjects" is more formal than "learning other," and reordering the sentence enhances clarity.
"express my approval towards both views" -> "present a balanced perspective"
Explanation: "Present a balanced perspective" is a more formal and precise way of expressing approval for both views.
"former viewpoint" -> "former stance"
Explanation: "Former stance" is more formal and aligns better with academic language than "former viewpoint."
"major thesis" -> "major subjects"
Explanation: "Major subjects" is a more common and clear term than "major thesis."
"pupils’ study burden" -> "students’ academic workload"
Explanation: "Students’ academic workload" is a more formal and accurate expression.
"gathering knowledge as well as practice their skills" -> "acquiring knowledge and honing their skills"
Explanation: The phrase "acquiring knowledge and honing their skills" is more formal and maintains clarity.
"deeper connection with their specialised subjects" -> "a deeper understanding of their specialized subjects"
Explanation: "A deeper understanding of their specialized subjects" is a more precise and formal expression.
"consumption of multiple subjects’ knowledge" -> "acquisition of knowledge in various subjects"
Explanation: "Acquisition of knowledge in various subjects" is a more formal and accurate phrase.
"social circle due to their attendance in various classes" -> "social network through participation in diverse classes"
Explanation: "Social network through participation in diverse classes" is a more formal and clear alternative.
"companions in college" -> "peers in college"
Explanation: "Peers in college" is a more formal term for referring to classmates.
"two-side sword" -> "double-edged sword"
Explanation: "Double-edged sword" is the correct idiom, conveying the idea of something with both positive and negative aspects.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Task Response: 6
Answer All Parts of the Question:
Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both sides of the argument, discussing the advantages of focusing solely on major subjects and the benefits of learning additional ones. It mentions the reasons supporting each viewpoint, showcasing a balanced perspective.
How to improve: To enhance completeness, consider providing more depth in discussing each viewpoint. For instance, elaborate on specific advantages and potential drawbacks of focusing exclusively on major subjects and the benefits and challenges of diversifying one’s learning.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to express approval towards both views, but the position is not entirely clear. While it discusses the benefits of both perspectives, a more distinct stance or a clear indication of personal preference could improve clarity.
How to improve: Clearly state your own opinion in the introduction or conclusion, making it evident whether you lean more towards focusing solely on major subjects, learning additional ones, or adopting a balanced approach.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas on both sides but lacks in-depth development. Examples are provided, but they could be more specific and detailed. For instance, expand on how learning additional subjects might save time in the future or how focusing solely on major subjects deepens understanding.
How to improve: Elaborate on each point by providing concrete examples and details. Consider including personal experiences, research findings, or real-world examples to support your arguments and make them more convincing.
Stay on Topic:
Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic but includes some minor deviations. For instance, the introduction mentions that the question is much debated without providing context or sources.
How to improve: Ensure that every part of the essay directly relates to the given prompt. Avoid introducing elements that do not contribute to the discussion of whether university students should focus solely on major subjects or learn additional ones.
In conclusion, the essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both viewpoints, but there is room for improvement in terms of clarity, depth of ideas, and staying completely on topic. By refining these aspects, the essay can achieve a higher band score.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally organizes information logically, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs discussing each viewpoint, and a conclusion. However, there is room for improvement in the logical progression of ideas within paragraphs. For instance, in the first body paragraph, the essay shifts from discussing the benefits of focusing on major subjects to the advantages of learning additional subjects without a smooth transition.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, ensure a seamless transition between ideas within paragraphs. Consider using transitional phrases or sentences to guide the reader from one point to the next more effectively. For example, the shift between discussing the benefits of focusing on major subjects to additional subjects could be improved by providing a brief transition sentence that links the two ideas.
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs adequately, with a clear introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the structure within paragraphs could be refined for better effectiveness. The first body paragraph, for instance, could benefit from clearer delineation between the benefits of focusing on major subjects and the advantages of learning additional ones.
- How to improve: Improve paragraph structure by ensuring that each paragraph has a clear focus on a specific aspect of the argument. In the first body paragraph, consider separating the discussion of the benefits of major subjects from the advantages of additional subjects into distinct paragraphs. This would enhance readability and help readers follow the argument more easily.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, such as transition words (e.g., "On the one hand," "On the other hand," "In conclusion"). However, there is a limited variety, and their usage can be more strategic to enhance coherence further. For instance, the transition between the two viewpoints in the introduction and the shift between benefits of major subjects to additional subjects could be smoother.
- How to improve: Increase the variety of cohesive devices used, including conjunctions, transitional phrases, and pronouns. This will create a more seamless connection between sentences and ideas. For example, instead of relying solely on basic transitions, experiment with more sophisticated cohesive devices to enhance the essay’s overall coherence.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a generally logical organization and appropriate use of paragraphs, improvements can be made to enhance the flow within paragraphs and increase the variety of cohesive devices used for a more cohesive and coherent essay.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a reasonable range of vocabulary, incorporating various words and expressions. There is an attempt to use more advanced vocabulary, such as "myriad of benefits," "alleviated," and "consume multiple subjects’ knowledge." However, the range is not consistently wide, and some repetition of words and phrases is noticeable. For instance, the repeated use of "major subjects" could be diversified for a more sophisticated lexical resource.
- How to improve: To enhance the score in this criterion, strive for a more consistent and varied use of vocabulary. Consider incorporating synonyms and exploring different ways to express ideas. Instead of repetitive use of phrases like "major subjects," experiment with alternative terms or expressions to showcase a broader lexical range.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt at precision in vocabulary usage, but there are instances where language could be more specific. For example, the phrase "saving their time and effort for other crucial tasks" is a bit vague, and a more precise description of these "crucial tasks" would strengthen the argument. Additionally, the term "two-side sword" is imprecise; the intended expression is likely "double-edged sword."
- How to improve: Aim for greater precision by providing more detailed and specific descriptions. Clearly articulate the aspects of learning additional subjects that would save time and effort for graduates. Replace imprecise terms like "two-side sword" with the correct idiom, such as "double-edged sword," to enhance accuracy and clarity.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few spelling errors, such as "acquaintance" instead of "acumen," "attendance" instead of "participation," and "enthuse" instead of "enthusiasm." These errors, while not excessively distracting, affect the overall impression of language proficiency.
- How to improve: Focus on meticulous proofreading to eliminate spelling errors. Pay attention to commonly misspelled words and ensure accuracy in the use of vocabulary. Consider using spelling and grammar-check tools to enhance the precision of language and avoid distracting the reader with minor errors.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. The writer employs a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences, contributing to overall coherence. However, there is room for improvement in sentence variety. For instance, there is a tendency to use relatively simple sentence structures, and the complexity of sentences could be enhanced to add depth to the argument.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentence constructions. Introduce relative clauses, appositives, and participial phrases to add sophistication to the writing. For example, instead of relying on straightforward sentences, experiment with combining ideas through the use of subordination.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a generally accurate use of grammar and punctuation. Most sentences are grammatically correct, and punctuation is appropriately applied. However, there are instances where subject-verb agreement issues arise, such as "the advocacy of learning other also emerges noticeably." Additionally, there are some minor punctuation errors, such as missing commas before introductory phrases and conjunctions in compound sentences.
- How to improve: Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, ensuring that singular subjects match with singular verbs and plural subjects with plural verbs. Review the use of commas in complex sentences, especially before conjunctions like "but" and "while." Thoroughly proofread the essay to catch and correct these minor errors, enhancing overall grammatical accuracy.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and punctuation, with room for refinement in sentence structure variety and attention to specific grammatical details. Making these adjustments will contribute to an even more polished and sophisticated piece of writing.
Bài sửa mẫu
The question of whether university students should solely focus on their primary field of study or explore additional subjects is a much-debated issue. While the idea of dedicating all their time to their major subjects gains widespread support, the advocacy of studying additional subjects also becomes noticeable. To present a balanced perspective, this essay will discuss both views.
On one hand, there are several reasons why the former stance offers numerous benefits. It is a well-known fact that by concentrating solely on major subjects, students’ academic workload would be reduced, allowing them more time to acquire knowledge and hone their skills. This focused approach not only provides students with multiple opportunities to develop a deeper understanding of their specialized subjects but also ensures that their knowledge is more enduring.
On the other hand, there are also arguments in favor of the latter viewpoint. One explanation is that acquiring knowledge in various subjects can be advantageous for students in the future, saving time and effort for other crucial tasks after graduation. Another convincing point is that a diverse academic experience can expand their social network through participation in diverse classes. Additionally, interacting with peers in college who share different interests can encourage enthusiasm in study, potentially leading to improved grades.
In conclusion, the advantages of both sides of the debate have been outlined. While each approach has its own drawbacks, acting as a double-edged sword, the decision on which path to follow ultimately rests with the students.