Some university students want to learn about other subjects in addition to their main subjects. Others believe it is more important to give all their time and attention to studying for a qualification.
It is widely acknowledged that students should concentrate on subjects which help them acquire certificates and qualifications. A more compelling argument suggests that university students should explore more subjects rather than just main subjects because it can enrich student's knowledge about more aspects of the world and practical skills.
On the one hand, focusing on the main subjects to acquire qualifications gives you advantages in recruitment. By having a certificate, individuals can attract employers and businesses, so that they will have a clear opportunity to get a high-paid job. For example, nowadays, a majority of students opt to learn English to achieve IELTS or TOEIC certificates, with the desire to work in international companies after graduating. Moreover, these certificates become the criteria of many universities for graduation or scholarship.
Nevertheless, other subjects help students learn more about history and various places in the world. For instance, history gives students a chance to explore the tradition and culture of their countries or the destruction the world wars, thus students can be aware of the intention of war and the importance of peace. Furthermore, in geography class, students can travel to other countries or famous tourist attractions through the lectures of teachers. In addition, in outdoor classes, the student can underpin social skills or expand their relationship circuit.
In conclusion, there are some advantages to focusing on a qualification or a certificate in terms of work and earning money. Yet, it is undeniable that universities should encourage students to learn about more subjects to acquire more knowledge and social skills.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"it is widely acknowledged" -> "it is widely recognized"
Explanation: Replacing "acknowledged" with "recognized" is more formal and aligns better with academic writing standards.
"main subjects" -> "core subjects"
Explanation: "Core subjects" is a more sophisticated term commonly used in academic contexts, enhancing the formality of the expression.
"it can enrich student’s knowledge" -> "it can enhance students’ understanding"
Explanation: The substitution of "enrich" with "enhance" and the correction of possessive ("student’s" to "students’") contribute to a more formal and accurate presentation of the idea.
"On the one hand" -> "Firstly"
Explanation: Replacing "On the one hand" with "Firstly" provides a more structured and formal transition between ideas.
"gives you advantages in recruitment" -> "provides advantages in the job market"
Explanation: The replacement of "gives you" with "provides" and "recruitment" with "the job market" improves formality and precision.
"By having a certificate, individuals can attract employers and businesses" -> "Possessing a certificate allows individuals to attract employers and businesses"
Explanation: The revised sentence uses a more formal structure and vocabulary while maintaining clarity.
"so that they will have a clear opportunity to get a high-paid job" -> "thus increasing their chances of securing a well-paying job"
Explanation: The revised phrase is more formal and maintains the cause-and-effect relationship without unnecessary repetition.
"opt to learn English" -> "choose to study English"
Explanation: "Choose to study" is a more formal and precise alternative to "opt to learn."
"Furthermore, in geography class" -> "Moreover, within the discipline of geography"
Explanation: The suggested change enhances formality and specificity, providing a more academic tone.
"underpin social skills or expand their relationship circuit" -> "develop foundational social skills and broaden their social networks"
Explanation: The replacement of "underpin" with "develop" and "relationship circuit" with "social networks" improves precision and formality.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both aspects of the prompt by discussing the benefits of concentrating on main subjects for qualifications and the advantages of exploring additional subjects for a broader understanding of the world and practical skills. Relevant examples are provided to support these points.
- How to improve: To enhance completeness, consider providing a brief acknowledgment of the opposing viewpoint, even if not fully supporting it, to demonstrate a nuanced understanding of the issue.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, advocating for the importance of exploring more subjects alongside main subjects. Each paragraph contributes to this stance, and there is a clear thesis statement.
- How to improve: To further strengthen clarity, explicitly state the position in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion for emphasis.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: Ideas are presented logically, extended with relevant examples (e.g., learning English for certificates, exploring history for cultural understanding), and supported adequately. The essay provides a balanced discussion of the advantages of both approaches.
- How to improve: To enhance depth, consider delving further into specific examples or providing additional evidence to reinforce key points.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic, discussing the benefits of focusing on qualifications and the advantages of exploring additional subjects. However, there are minor instances where the connection to the main topic could be clearer.
- How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph directly connects to the main topic and consistently relates back to the central argument. Carefully review content to eliminate any tangential information.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of the topic, effectively addressing the prompt’s different facets. To improve, consider incorporating a brief acknowledgment of the opposing viewpoint in the introduction and conclusion, reinforcing key points with additional evidence, and ensuring absolute clarity in the connection of each paragraph to the central argument.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of logical organization. The introduction presents the two perspectives, and the subsequent paragraphs follow a clear structure, presenting arguments both in favor of concentrating on main subjects and exploring additional subjects. The ideas within each paragraph are generally coherent.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider providing a clearer roadmap in the introduction, explicitly stating the two perspectives and the essay’s stance. Additionally, ensure each paragraph has a strong topic sentence, and transitions between paragraphs could be refined for smoother progression.
- Detailed explanation: The essay is appropriately divided into paragraphs, each focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. However, some paragraphs could benefit from further development and more varied sentence structures to enhance overall effectiveness.
- How to improve: Work on providing more depth within paragraphs, offering additional examples or explanations. Additionally, strive for a balance between short and long sentences to create a more engaging and varied rhythm.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively employs cohesive devices, such as linking words ("on the one hand," "nevertheless") and cohesive phrases ("in addition," "for example"). These devices contribute to the overall coherence of the essay, helping readers follow the arguments.
- How to improve: While the essay uses cohesive devices appropriately, expanding the variety of such devices could enhance the essay’s coherence further. Experiment with different transition words and phrases to avoid repetition and add sophistication to the essay’s structure.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a commendable level of coherence and cohesion. To further improve, focus on refining the introduction for clarity, developing paragraphs with more depth, and experimenting with a broader range of cohesive devices.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. While some varied expressions are used, there is room for improvement in incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary to enhance precision and depth.
- How to improve: Consider integrating more advanced vocabulary related to the essay’s context. For example, in the introduction, instead of "widely acknowledged," you might use "universally recognized" to convey a similar meaning. This can elevate the overall lexical richness.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The usage of vocabulary is generally clear, but there are instances where more precise word choices could enhance the essay’s impact. For example, in the phrase "the destruction the world wars," a more specific term like "devastation" would convey a clearer meaning.
- How to improve: Aim for precision by choosing words that precisely convey the intended meaning. In this case, replace general terms with more specific ones. Additionally, proofread for redundant phrases, such as "explore more subjects" where "explore subjects" would suffice.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few minor spelling errors, such as "underpin" instead of "develop" in the concluding paragraph.
- How to improve: Pay careful attention to spelling during the proofreading phase. Utilize tools like spell-check and take extra care with words that are commonly misspelled. In the mentioned instance, replacing "underpin" with a more appropriate term like "develop" would enhance the accuracy.
In summary, the essay demonstrates competence in lexical resource, earning a Band Score of 6. To elevate the lexical quality, focus on incorporating a wider range of vocabulary, striving for precision in word choices, and meticulously proofreading to eliminate minor spelling errors. With these refinements, the essay can achieve a more nuanced and sophisticated expression of ideas.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fairly wide range of sentence structures. There is a mix of simple and complex sentences, and the writer attempts to use a variety of connecting words such as ‘moreover,’ ‘nevertheless,’ and ‘furthermore.’ However, there is room for improvement as some sentence structures are repetitive, and there is a tendency to use simple sentence structures excessively.
- How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as compound and complex sentences, to provide a smoother flow and a more nuanced expression of ideas. Additionally, pay attention to avoiding excessive use of simple sentences. Introduce a variety of sentence lengths and structures to make the writing more engaging and sophisticated.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates a good command of grammar and punctuation. However, there are instances where subject-verb agreement is not consistently maintained, and there are minor punctuation errors, such as missing commas in compound sentences.
- How to improve: Review and revise the essay to ensure consistent subject-verb agreement. Pay attention to the use of commas in compound sentences to clarify the relationship between ideas. Additionally, be cautious about the placement of commas after introductory phrases or clauses. A careful proofread will help identify and rectify these minor errors, contributing to a more polished and accurate essay.
Overall, the essay has successfully achieved a band score of 7 for Grammatical Range and Accuracy. To improve further, focus on incorporating a wider variety of sentence structures while maintaining accuracy in grammar and punctuation. Regular practice and careful proofreading will enhance the overall quality of written expression.
Bài sửa mẫu
It is widely recognized that concentrating on subjects leading to certificates and qualifications is crucial for students. However, there is a strong argument in favor of exploring additional subjects beyond their main focus, as it can enhance students’ understanding of various aspects of the world and practical skills.
Firstly, the emphasis on core subjects to obtain qualifications provides advantages in the job market. Possessing a certificate allows individuals to attract employers and businesses, thereby increasing their chances of securing a well-paying job. For instance, many students choose to study English to achieve IELTS or TOEIC certificates, aspiring to work in international companies upon graduation. Moreover, these certificates often serve as graduation or scholarship criteria for numerous universities.
On the other hand, delving into other subjects contributes to a broader knowledge base and the development of foundational social skills. Within the discipline of geography, for example, students can explore various countries and famous tourist attractions through teacher-led lectures. This exposure not only expands their understanding of different places but also fosters social skills in outdoor classes, broadening their social networks.
Moreover, subjects like history offer insights into the traditions, cultures, and historical events such as the impact of world wars. This knowledge enables students to comprehend the reasons behind conflicts and appreciate the importance of peace. In this way, students not only gain academic knowledge but also develop a holistic perspective on the world around them.
In conclusion, while there are undeniable advantages to focusing on qualifications for employment and financial stability, universities should also encourage students to explore a diverse range of subjects. This approach ensures a more comprehensive education, fostering not only academic knowledge but also crucial social skills for personal and professional success.