Some young people like to copy the behaviour and clothes of famous people today. Why might this be the case? What problems can it cause?
Some young people like to copy the behaviour and clothes of famous people today. Why might this be the case? What problems can it cause?
In our modern society, there is an ongoing trend towards adolescents having the tendency to mimic the habits, behaviours and styles. This state of affairs can be attributed to a host of reasons and there are some viable measures can be adopted to alleviate this situation would be outlined in this essay.
There are two primary interpretations as for the trend of following famous people behaviour and clothes among teenagers. One of the main reasons is that young people nowadays are bombarded with tons of information as well as advertisements related to celebrities’ lifestyle through social media. This would directly affect to younger generations sense of identity since they are easily influenced by their idols so that they would follow every trends of buy every products which are being promoted by their beloved artists or influencers. Another major reason, that also worth pointing out is the sense of belonging of each individual desired. This means that young people tend to have an invisible fear of missing out of lag behind from their peers, this could lead to the action of following every latest fashion styles or behaving like a famous person just to be able to blend in into a certain group of friends.
Several feasible solutions can be implemented to mitigate the elemental causalities. First and foremost, schools and parents should be educating teenagers about the importance of authenticity by creating clubs that encourage young people to express their creativity as well as their unique sense of style without the fear of judgement. This could lay a solid foundation for adolescent self-confidence and not be easily influenced by mass media. Secondly, young people should spend more time participate in different activities or take up more meaningful hobbies to complement themselves rather than dump scrolling through social media all day and be manipulated into following a certain individual. For example, they can signing in for a dance class, going on a hike or even spending time gardening which are way more healthier way to express themselves.
In conclusion, the fear of missing out and be easily influenced by social media are the main culprits behind this situation which can be solved by creating a positive environment for teenagers to carry themselves and encouraging young people participate in wholesome activities to find their true identities.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"having the tendency to mimic" -> "tend to mimic"
Explanation: The phrase "having the tendency to mimic" is redundant. "Tend to mimic" is more concise and maintains the formal tone of academic writing. -
"a host of reasons and there are some viable measures can be adopted" -> "a variety of reasons, and several viable measures can be adopted"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly constructed. The revised version corrects the grammatical error and improves readability. -
"This would directly affect to younger generations sense of identity" -> "This directly affects the sense of identity of younger generations"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect. The revised version corrects the verb agreement and improves the flow of the sentence. -
"they would follow every trends of buy every products" -> "they follow every trend and buy every product"
Explanation: The original is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The revision corrects the verb tense and pluralization to match the context. -
"that also worth pointing out is the sense of belonging" -> "also worth noting is the sense of belonging"
Explanation: "That also worth pointing out" is grammatically incorrect. "Also worth noting" is the correct idiomatic expression for formal writing. -
"invisible fear of missing out of lag behind" -> "fear of being left behind"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. "Fear of being left behind" is more concise and clearer. -
"the elemental causalities" -> "the underlying causes"
Explanation: "Elemental causalities" is incorrect. "Underlying causes" is the correct term for referring to the fundamental reasons behind an issue. -
"should be educating" -> "should educate"
Explanation: "Should be educating" is passive and less direct. "Should educate" is more direct and active, fitting the formal academic style. -
"lay a solid foundation for adolescent self-confidence" -> "establish a solid foundation for adolescent self-confidence"
Explanation: "Lay" is the correct term for placing something down, whereas "establish" is more appropriate for setting up or creating something, which is more suitable in this context. -
"not be easily influenced by mass media" -> "not be easily influenced by mass media"
Explanation: The phrase is grammatically correct but could be improved by specifying "mass media" as "social media" to be more precise in the context of the essay. -
"dump scrolling through social media all day" -> "spend all day scrolling through social media"
Explanation: "Dump scrolling" is informal and incorrect. "Spend all day scrolling" is more formal and accurate. -
"signing in for a dance class" -> "signing up for a dance class"
Explanation: "Signing in" is incorrect in this context. "Signing up" is the correct verb for registering for an activity. -
"way more healthier way to express themselves" -> "a much healthier way to express themselves"
Explanation: "Way more healthier" is grammatically incorrect. "A much healthier" corrects this and maintains the formal tone.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both parts of the prompt by discussing reasons why young people mimic the behavior and clothing of famous individuals and the potential problems this behavior can cause. The first part is well-covered with explanations related to social media influence and the desire for belonging. However, the second part, which should discuss the problems caused by this behavior, is less detailed. The essay mentions the influence of social media and the fear of missing out but lacks specific problems that arise from these behaviors, such as issues related to self-esteem, financial implications, or the impact on individuality.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay should explicitly outline the problems caused by mimicking celebrities. This could include discussing issues like peer pressure, mental health concerns, or the potential for financial strain due to spending on trendy items. Including specific examples of these problems would strengthen the argument.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position regarding the influence of celebrities on young people and the need for solutions to mitigate this effect. The stance is consistent, particularly in the discussion of the importance of authenticity and self-expression. However, the introduction could be clearer in stating the position and the essay’s intent, as it somewhat ambiguously mentions "viable measures" without explicitly linking them to the problems discussed.
- How to improve: To improve clarity, the introduction should succinctly state the main argument and outline the structure of the essay more clearly. Using a thesis statement that directly connects the reasons and problems to the proposed solutions would enhance coherence.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the reasons for young people’s behavior and potential solutions. The reasons are supported with explanations, such as the influence of social media and the desire for belonging. However, the support for the solutions is somewhat generic and lacks depth. For instance, while the idea of creating clubs is good, it would benefit from more specific examples or evidence of how such initiatives have been successful in the past.
- How to improve: To improve this aspect, the essay should include more detailed examples or case studies that illustrate how the proposed solutions can effectively address the issues identified. This could involve citing research or real-life instances where similar measures have led to positive outcomes.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the influence of celebrities and the related issues. However, there are moments where the focus shifts slightly, particularly in the discussion of solutions, which could be more tightly linked to the problems identified. For example, while discussing solutions, the essay introduces various activities without directly connecting them back to the issues of identity and social pressure.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, each solution should be explicitly tied back to the problems discussed earlier in the essay. This could involve reiterating how each proposed solution addresses specific issues, thereby reinforcing the overall argument and ensuring that all parts of the essay are interconnected.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the prompt and presents relevant ideas, enhancing the depth of analysis, clarity of position, and connections between ideas would elevate the response to a higher band score.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing reasons and solutions, and a conclusion. The ideas are logically sequenced, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the topic. For instance, the first body paragraph effectively outlines the reasons behind the trend of mimicking celebrities, while the second body paragraph discusses potential solutions. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother; for example, the shift from discussing reasons to solutions is somewhat abrupt.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that guide the reader through the argument. Phrases like "In addition to these reasons," or "To address these issues," can help create a more seamless connection between paragraphs. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence can further clarify the main idea being discussed.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which aids in readability. Each paragraph has a distinct focus, with the first addressing the reasons for the trend and the second outlining solutions. However, the paragraphs could be more balanced in length and depth; the first body paragraph is longer and more developed than the second, which may leave the reader wanting more detail on the solutions.
- How to improve: Aim for a more balanced approach by expanding on the solutions in the second body paragraph. Providing specific examples or elaborating on how the proposed measures can be implemented would strengthen this section. Additionally, consider breaking longer paragraphs into smaller ones if they contain multiple ideas, which can enhance clarity and focus.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "first and foremost" and "for example," which help to connect ideas and provide clarity. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances of awkward phrasing that disrupt the flow, such as "this state of affairs can be attributed to a host of reasons and there are some viable measures can be adopted."
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, using "Furthermore," "Moreover," or "Consequently" can enhance the connections between ideas. Additionally, ensure grammatical accuracy in sentences to avoid confusion; for example, rephrase "there are some viable measures can be adopted" to "there are some viable measures that can be adopted." This will improve the overall coherence of the essay.
By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially leading to an improved band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "mimic," "bombarded," "identity," and "authenticity" showcasing an attempt to use varied language. However, the repetition of phrases such as "young people" and "famous people" indicates a limited range in some areas. For instance, the phrase "behaviour and clothes" could have been varied with synonyms like "attire" or "fashion choices" to enhance lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To improve vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms throughout the essay. For example, instead of repeatedly using "young people," alternatives like "youth," "adolescents," or "teenagers" could be employed. Additionally, using phrases like "celebrity culture" instead of "famous people" would add variety.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that could lead to confusion. For example, the phrase "the action of following every latest fashion styles" is awkwardly constructed and could be simplified to "following the latest fashion trends." Additionally, the phrase "this could lead to the action of following" is unnecessarily complex and could be replaced with "this may result in following."
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on clarity and conciseness. Simplifying phrases and ensuring that word choices accurately convey the intended meaning will improve the overall effectiveness of the essay. For instance, using "fear of missing out" instead of "invisible fear of missing out of lag behind" would be clearer and more direct.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "behaviours" (should be "behaviors" in American English or "behaviours" in British English, but consistency is key), "worth pointing out is the sense of belonging of each individual desired" (should be "desires"), and "participate" (should be "participating"). These errors detract from the overall quality of the writing and could confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help identify errors. Additionally, practicing spelling difficult words and familiarizing oneself with commonly misspelled terms can enhance overall spelling skills.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant ideas, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy are necessary to achieve a higher band score in Lexical Resource. Focusing on these areas will enhance the clarity and effectiveness of the writing.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, including complex sentences such as "This state of affairs can be attributed to a host of reasons and there are some viable measures can be adopted to alleviate this situation would be outlined in this essay." However, there are instances of awkward phrasing and run-on sentences that detract from clarity. For example, the sentence "Another major reason, that also worth pointing out is the sense of belonging of each individual desired" is convoluted and could be more effectively expressed. The use of conditional structures is limited, and the essay primarily relies on simple and compound sentences.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should practice incorporating more complex and varied sentence forms. This can include using conditional clauses (e.g., "If young people are educated about authenticity, they may feel less pressure to conform") and varying sentence beginnings to avoid repetitiveness. Additionally, breaking down longer sentences into clearer, more concise statements can improve readability and impact.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that hinder its overall effectiveness. For instance, the phrase "this could lead to the action of following every latest fashion styles" contains a subject-verb agreement error ("every" should be followed by a singular noun, "style"). Additionally, the phrase "this means that young people tend to have an invisible fear of missing out of lag behind from their peers" is awkwardly constructed and contains a preposition error ("out of lag" should be "or lag"). Punctuation errors, such as the misuse of commas, also appear throughout the essay, which can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of prepositions. Regular practice with grammar exercises, particularly those focusing on common errors, can be beneficial. Additionally, revising sentences for clarity and correctness before finalizing the essay can help catch punctuation mistakes and awkward phrasing. Reading the essay aloud may also assist in identifying areas that sound unnatural or unclear.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable attempt at using a variety of grammatical structures, there are significant areas for improvement in both the range and accuracy of grammar and punctuation. By focusing on these aspects, the writer can enhance the overall quality of their writing and potentially achieve a higher band score.
Bài sửa mẫu
In our modern society, there is an ongoing trend towards adolescents having the tendency to mimic the habits, behaviours, and styles of famous people. This state of affairs can be attributed to a variety of reasons, and several viable measures can be adopted to alleviate this situation, which will be outlined in this essay.
There are two primary interpretations of the trend of following famous people’s behaviour and clothes among teenagers. One of the main reasons is that young people nowadays are bombarded with tons of information as well as advertisements related to celebrities’ lifestyles through social media. This directly affects the sense of identity of younger generations since they are easily influenced by their idols and tend to follow every trend and buy every product that is being promoted by their beloved artists or influencers. Another major reason, which is also worth pointing out, is the sense of belonging that each individual desires. This means that young people tend to have an invisible fear of being left behind or lagging behind their peers. This could lead to the action of following every latest fashion style or behaving like a famous person just to be able to blend in with a certain group of friends.
Several feasible solutions can be implemented to mitigate the underlying causes. First and foremost, schools and parents should educate teenagers about the importance of authenticity by creating clubs that encourage young people to express their creativity as well as their unique sense of style without the fear of judgment. This could establish a solid foundation for adolescent self-confidence and help them not to be easily influenced by mass media. Secondly, young people should spend more time participating in different activities or taking up more meaningful hobbies to complement themselves rather than spending all day scrolling through social media and being manipulated into following a certain individual. For example, they can sign up for a dance class, go on a hike, or even spend time gardening, which are much healthier ways to express themselves.
In conclusion, the fear of missing out and being easily influenced by social media are the main culprits behind this situation, which can be solved by creating a positive environment for teenagers to carry themselves and encouraging young people to participate in wholesome activities to find their true identities.