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Studies have suggested that children watch much more television than they did in the past and spend less time on active or creative things. What are the reasons and what measures should be taken to encourage children to spend more time on active or creative things?

Studies have suggested that children watch much more television than they did in the past and spend less time on active or creative things. What are the reasons and what measures should be taken to encourage children to spend more time on active or creative things?

It has become customary for children to consume an excessive amount of television content, leading to a reduced involvement in active or creative pursuits. Several factors contribute to the current trend of children being inactive; therefore, it is crucial to implement measures to discourage prolonged television viewing. This essay in an attempt to shed light on the culprits of this social trend and offers some viable strategies to tackle it.

Some factors that are responsible for this phenomenon could be addictive content, and parents busy at work. The primary reason is that children’s television programs are broadcast all day with vivid and colorful animation. Cartoon Network and Disney Channel with their day-long series of animation shows are evident examples of this. Another evident factor is the contemporary busyness of parents with their professional commitments, leading them to encourage children to engage in activities demanding less attention, such as television viewing. These two reasons tend to make children spend more time in front of the television screen instead of participating in active or creative activities.

A number of strong measures should be implemented to address the issue. The first solution is limiting the amount of time that a child can watch television. This could be done by activating the parental control mode and setting a fixed operating time limit on their television set. Another feasible solution is that parents could spend more time with their children engaging in outdoor participation or artistic pursuits. For instance, they could establish a family sports team engaging in regular practices, a prospect that may captivate children more than television.

In conclusion, excessive television consumption among children is attributed to the alluring content on diverse channels and the insufficient recreational time spent with their parents. They may start to join more active and creative activities once their parents spend more time with them and the parental control mode on television sets is activated.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "consume an excessive amount of television content" -> "consume an excessive volume of television programming"
    Explanation: Replacing "amount" with "volume" adds precision and formality, making the statement more academically appropriate.

  2. "leading to a reduced involvement" -> "resulting in diminished engagement"
    Explanation: Substituting "leading to" with "resulting in" and replacing "involvement" with "engagement" enhances the formality of the sentence.

  3. "Some factors that are responsible for this phenomenon could be addictive content, and parents busy at work." -> "Several contributing factors to this phenomenon include addictive content and parents occupied with work."
    Explanation: The revised sentence eliminates redundancy and uses a more concise and formal structure.

  4. "programs are broadcast all day with vivid and colorful animation" -> "programs air throughout the day featuring vibrant and colorful animations"
    Explanation: The replacement enhances clarity and employs a more sophisticated way to express the continuous broadcast of programs.

  5. "day-long series of animation shows" -> "continuous series of animated programs throughout the day"
    Explanation: The revised phrase provides a more precise and formal description of the television programming.

  6. "Another evident factor is the contemporary busyness of parents with their professional commitments" -> "Another significant factor is the current busy schedules of parents due to their professional obligations."
    Explanation: The substitution of "contemporary busyness" with "current busy schedules" and the addition of "due to their professional obligations" contribute to a more formal tone.

  7. "These two reasons tend to make children spend more time in front of the television screen" -> "These factors often lead children to allocate more time to watching television."
    Explanation: The replacement emphasizes causation and utilizes a more formal expression.

  8. "a number of strong measures" -> "several effective measures"
    Explanation: The change from "a number of strong measures" to "several effective measures" maintains formality while providing a more varied and precise expression.

  9. "limiting the amount of time that a child can watch television" -> "restricting the duration of television viewing for children"
    Explanation: The revised phrase uses a more formal tone and replaces "amount of time" with "duration" for increased precision.

  10. "prospect that may captivate children more than television" -> "prospect that may be more captivating for children than television"
    Explanation: The modification ensures parallel structure and enhances the formality of the sentence.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay provides a thorough analysis of the reasons behind children’s increased television consumption and suggests effective measures to encourage them to engage in active or creative activities. Each part of the prompt is adequately addressed, with specific examples and a clear structure.
    • How to improve: While the essay is comprehensive, it could benefit from more nuanced exploration of the factors, perhaps delving deeper into the impact of addictive content and the challenges faced by busy parents.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent stance, asserting that excessive television consumption is a result of alluring content and insufficient parental involvement. The position is evident in the introduction, elaborated in the body paragraphs, and reinforced in the conclusion.
    • How to improve: To enhance clarity, consider explicitly stating the essay’s main argument in the introduction and reiterating it in the conclusion for emphasis.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents ideas, such as limiting television time and increasing parental involvement, with clear examples and elaboration. Each point is supported by relevant details, enhancing the overall coherence of the essay.
    • How to improve: To further strengthen the essay, consider providing more depth in the explanation of proposed solutions and offering additional examples to illustrate the potential impact of implementing these measures.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay consistently addresses the prompt, discussing the reasons behind increased television consumption and proposing measures to encourage active or creative activities. There are no significant deviations from the topic.
    • How to improve: Maintain this focus in future essays by avoiding unnecessary tangents and ensuring that each paragraph directly contributes to the central argument.

Overall Comments:

This essay is well-structured, demonstrating a strong understanding of the prompt. The writer effectively addresses each checklist item, providing a clear position, extending and supporting ideas, and staying on topic. To further enhance the essay, consider adding more nuanced exploration of the factors contributing to television consumption and providing additional examples to bolster proposed solutions. Additionally, explicitly stating the main argument in the introduction and reinforcing it in the conclusion would contribute to a more cohesive and impactful essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally organizes information in a logical manner. The introduction sets the stage by addressing the issue and the need for measures. The body paragraphs follow a clear structure, discussing reasons and proposing solutions. The conclusion summarizes the main points. However, there is room for improvement in the flow between sentences and paragraphs. For instance, the transition from discussing reasons to proposing solutions could be smoother, enhancing overall coherence.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, work on improving the transition between ideas. Use transitional phrases or sentences to guide the reader from one point to the next. Ensure that each paragraph relates clearly to the main topic and the preceding paragraph, creating a seamless flow of information.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the topic, such as reasons or solutions. However, some paragraphs could benefit from further development and elaboration. For instance, the paragraph discussing addictive content and parental busyness is relatively brief and lacks detailed examples or evidence.
    • How to improve: Strengthen paragraphs by providing more detailed examples, evidence, or elaboration. For the paragraph discussing reasons, provide specific instances of addictive content and how it captivates children. Additionally, expand on the idea of parental busyness to give a more comprehensive understanding of its impact on children’s activities.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses cohesive devices to connect ideas within sentences and paragraphs. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the types of cohesive devices used. The essay heavily relies on transitional phrases like "Another evident factor" or "In conclusion." A wider range of cohesive devices, such as pronouns, conjunctions, or synonyms, could enhance the overall coherence.
    • How to improve: Broaden the use of cohesive devices by incorporating a variety of linking words, pronouns, and conjunctions. For instance, instead of repeating phrases like "Another evident factor," consider using synonyms or different transition words to maintain reader engagement. This will contribute to a more sophisticated and varied use of cohesive devices.

In summary, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and maintains a logical structure, improvements in the transition between ideas, paragraph development, and the diversification of cohesive devices could elevate the coherence and cohesion of the writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. It includes some varied terms such as "addictive content," "contemporary busyness," and "recreational time." However, there’s room for improvement in introducing more sophisticated and nuanced vocabulary to elevate the overall lexical richness.
    • How to improve: To enhance the lexical range, consider incorporating more advanced vocabulary related to the essay’s themes. For instance, instead of using common phrases like "cartoon shows," explore alternatives like "animated broadcasts" or "televised animations" to add depth and diversity.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are instances where words could be more precise. For example, the phrase "day-long series of animation shows" could be refined to "prolonged sequences of animated programming." Precision in language contributes to a clearer and more impactful communication of ideas.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to specific word choices. Instead of general terms, opt for more specific and exact expressions. Utilize synonyms or more specific descriptors to convey your ideas with greater precision.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: Spelling in the essay is generally accurate, with only minor errors like "cartoon shows" which could be improved to "cartoon shows." To enhance overall spelling accuracy, a thorough proofreading is recommended.
    • How to improve: Prioritize careful proofreading to catch minor spelling errors. Additionally, consider using tools like spell-check to identify and rectify any overlooked mistakes. Developing a habit of reviewing written work systematically will contribute to improved spelling accuracy.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable level of vocabulary use, there is room for improvement in both range and precision. Encouraging the incorporation of more sophisticated terms and ensuring precise word choices will enhance the lexical resource of the essay. Additionally, a thorough proofreading process can further improve overall spelling accuracy.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures, incorporating both simple and complex constructions. There is an effective use of transitions to connect ideas. For instance, the essay employs compound sentences ("The primary reason is…") and complex sentences ("This essay, in an attempt to shed light…") to convey ideas. However, some sentences are overly long and could be simplified for clarity.
    • How to improve: To enhance variety, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as conditional sentences or inverted sentences. Also, be mindful of sentence length; break down lengthy sentences to improve readability. For example, the sentence "The first solution is limiting the amount of time that a child can watch television" can be revised for conciseness.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates accurate grammar and punctuation, with few errors. However, there are instances where articles are missing ("This essay in an attempt") or misused ("in front of the television screen instead of participating"). Additionally, there are minor punctuation errors, such as missing commas in compound sentences.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to articles, ensuring their correct usage. In the mentioned instance, it should be "This essay is an attempt." Also, review compound sentences to ensure proper punctuation, adding commas where necessary. For instance, in the sentence "This essay in an attempt to shed light on the culprits of this social trend and offers some viable strategies to tackle it," consider inserting a comma after "trend" for improved clarity.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a commendable command of grammatical structures, with opportunities for improvement in sentence variety and minor corrections in article usage and punctuation. Continued attention to sentence structure and grammatical accuracy will contribute to further improvement.

Bài sửa mẫu

It has become customary for children to consume an excessive volume of television programming, resulting in diminished engagement in active or creative pursuits. Several contributing factors to this phenomenon include addictive content and parents occupied with work. The primary reason is that programs air throughout the day featuring vibrant and colorful animations, such as Cartoon Network and Disney Channel, which continuously broadcast animated series throughout the day.

Another significant factor is the current busy schedules of parents due to their professional obligations. This leads them to encourage children to engage in activities demanding less attention, such as prolonged television viewing. These factors often lead children to allocate more time to watching television instead of participating in active or creative activities.

To address this issue, several effective measures can be taken. The first solution involves restricting the duration of television viewing for children. This can be achieved by activating the parental control mode and setting a fixed operating time limit on their television set. Another practical solution is for parents to spend more time with their children, engaging in outdoor activities or artistic pursuits. For instance, they could establish a family sports team with regular practices, a prospect that may be more captivating for children than television.

In conclusion, the excessive consumption of television among children is attributed to the alluring content on various channels and the insufficient recreational time spent with parents. Encouraging more active and creative activities can be achieved by implementing measures such as setting limits on television viewing and fostering quality time with parents.

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