fbpx

Success is often measured by wealth and material possessions. Do you think wealth is the best measure of success? What makes a successful person?

Success is often measured by wealth and material possessions. Do you think wealth is the best measure of success? What makes a successful person?

In the contemporary era, prosperity is considered as an emblem of success by many people. In my standpoint, there are more factors representing one’s success rather than just basing on the financial status. Besides, I firmly believe that a person is likely to be successful in life when they inherit and strive to enhance their good traits including self-discipline and perseverance.
To commence with, in my perspective, success should not be only defined by assets owned by oneself but by various factors including well-being. First and foremost, health is considered one of the important aspects of well-being because having strong physical status is the best way to relish life completely. For example, having good health prevents you from suffering from illnesses that are attributed to the major obsession of many people. Another noteworthy strong respect of well-being is happiness that gives people motivation to overcome ups and downs in life. To exemplify, feelings of fulfillment enable the brain to release endorphins offering people satisfaction and lead to longevity.
As mentioned above, while the standard of success varies amongst disparate individuals, there are some common factors which account for a large part of what drives people to succeed. Firstly, being self-disciplined assists people in proactively managing and navigating their own life without any interference from others, hence, setting their own goals and constantly making an effort to achieve their targets. Taking Dang Tran Tung, an Ielts teacher who reached band 9.0 in 4 consecutive Ielts tests as a transparent example, when sharing about his study secrets, he emphasizes that self-discipline is the key method contributing to his life success. Secondly, people who possess the capability of persistence and perseverance are also likely to succeed since they always endeavor to obtain their objectives irrespective of challenges or predicaments. For instance, Thomas Edison always confronts failure when doing experiments, however, thanks to his persistence, he is now well known for his great dedication to the scientific field and is the figure of success for many people.
From the issue outlined above, I still attach myself to the position that there are a variety of measures of success rather than only property. In addition, discipline and perseverance are two significant factors in one's success.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "emblem of success by many people" -> "symbol of success for many individuals"
    Explanation: Replacing "emblem of success by many people" with "symbol of success for many individuals" enhances formality and precision in describing the perception of prosperity.

  2. "In my standpoint" -> "From my perspective"
    Explanation: Changing "In my standpoint" to "From my perspective" is a more formal and conventional way to express one’s viewpoint.

  3. "just basing on the financial status" -> "solely based on financial status"
    Explanation: Substituting "just basing on the financial status" with "solely based on financial status" improves clarity and adheres to a more formal structure.

  4. "inherit and strive to enhance their good traits" -> "inherit and endeavor to cultivate positive attributes"
    Explanation: The replacement of "inherit and strive to enhance their good traits" with "inherit and endeavor to cultivate positive attributes" introduces more sophisticated vocabulary without sacrificing clarity.

  5. "commence with" -> "To begin with"
    Explanation: "To begin with" is a more formal transition that aligns with academic writing standards compared to "commence with."

  6. "strong physical status" -> "robust physical health"
    Explanation: Changing "strong physical status" to "robust physical health" elevates the language to a more formal and precise level.

  7. "suffering from illnesses that are attributed to the major obsession of many people" -> "falling victim to illnesses associated with common societal concerns"
    Explanation: The suggested alteration provides a more nuanced and academically appropriate expression, avoiding casual language.

  8. "noteworthy strong respect of well-being" -> "significant aspect of well-being"
    Explanation: Replacing "noteworthy strong respect of well-being" with "significant aspect of well-being" maintains the intended meaning while using more appropriate and formal language.

  9. "feelings of fulfillment enable the brain to release endorphins offering people satisfaction and lead to longevity" -> "experiencing fulfillment triggers the release of endorphins, contributing to satisfaction and promoting longevity"
    Explanation: The revised sentence maintains the academic tone while expressing the idea more precisely and formally.

  10. "standard of success varies amongst disparate individuals" -> "criteria for success vary among diverse individuals"
    Explanation: Substituting "standard of success varies amongst disparate individuals" with "criteria for success vary among diverse individuals" enhances clarity and formality.

  11. "transparent example" -> "clear illustration"
    Explanation: Changing "transparent example" to "clear illustration" introduces a more formal and appropriate term while retaining the meaning.

  12. "confronts failure when doing experiments" -> "faces challenges during experiments"
    Explanation: Replacing "confronts failure when doing experiments" with "faces challenges during experiments" maintains formality and clarity in describing the experience of setbacks in scientific endeavors.

  13. "thanks to his persistence" -> "due to his persistence"
    Explanation: The substitution of "thanks to his persistence" with "due to his persistence" aligns with a more formal and precise expression.

  14. "figure of success for many people" -> "an exemplar of success for many individuals"
    Explanation: Changing "figure of success for many people" to "an exemplar of success for many individuals" introduces a more refined and academic term.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

  1. Quoted text: "In the contemporary era, prosperity is considered as an emblem of success by many people. In my standpoint, there are more factors representing one’s success rather than just basing on the financial status."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your introduction is clear in presenting your stance on the topic. However, it would benefit from a more explicit outline of the main points you will discuss in the essay. This will provide the reader with a roadmap for the upcoming arguments and enhance the overall structure of your essay.
    • Improved example: "In the contemporary era, prosperity is often viewed as a symbol of success. However, I believe that success goes beyond financial status, encompassing various factors. In this essay, I will explore the dimensions of success beyond wealth, focusing on well-being and personal traits such as self-discipline and perseverance."
  2. Quoted text: "To commence with, in my perspective, success should not be only defined by assets owned by oneself but by various factors including well-being. First and foremost, health is considered one of the important aspects of well-being because having strong physical status is the best way to relish life completely."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your first body paragraph introduces the idea of well-being effectively. However, the development of the example about health lacks depth. You can enhance it by providing specific instances or personal experiences that illustrate how good health contributes to a more fulfilling life.
    • Improved example: "To commence with, in my perspective, success should not be solely defined by personal assets but by various factors, prominently including well-being. First and foremost, maintaining good health is crucial. For instance, robust physical health enables individuals to fully savor life’s experiences. I vividly recall a time when my own well-being allowed me to pursue and enjoy various activities without hindrance."
  3. Quoted text: "As mentioned above, while the standard of success varies amongst disparate individuals, there are some common factors which account for a large part of what drives people to succeed. Firstly, being self-disciplined assists people in proactively managing and navigating their own life without any interference from others, hence, setting their goals and constantly making an effort to achieve their targets."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your discussion on self-discipline is valid, but it could benefit from a more nuanced exploration. Instead of general statements, provide concrete examples or personal experiences that showcase the role of self-discipline in achieving success. This will add depth to your argument.
    • Improved example: "As mentioned above, while the standard of success varies, certain factors remain universally influential. Firstly, the attribute of self-discipline plays a pivotal role. Take, for instance, the story of a close friend who, through rigorous self-discipline, managed to juggle a demanding career and personal goals, ultimately achieving remarkable success."
  4. Quoted text: "Secondly, people who possess the capability of persistence and perseverance are also likely to succeed since they always endeavor to obtain their objectives irrespective of challenges or predicaments. For instance, Thomas Edison always confronts failure when doing experiments, however, thanks to his persistence, he is now well known for his great dedication to the scientific field and is the figure of success for many people."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your example of Thomas Edison is appropriate, but it would be more impactful if you provided a personal example or a contemporary figure to illustrate the importance of perseverance. This will make your argument more relatable and convincing.
    • Improved example: "Secondly, individuals with the capacity for persistence and perseverance are likely to succeed, consistently striving to achieve their objectives despite challenges. Consider the story of a colleague who, despite facing numerous setbacks in launching a startup, persisted with unwavering determination, ultimately transforming the venture into a thriving business."

Overall, while your essay addresses all parts of the task and maintains a clear position, there is room for improvement in providing more detailed examples and personal experiences to support your arguments.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear organizational structure with logical progression of ideas. Each paragraph is focused on a specific aspect, and there is a coherent flow of information throughout the essay. The use of cohesive devices is generally appropriate, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay. The introduction and conclusion effectively frame the discussion, providing a clear central topic within each section. Paragraphing is generally well-managed, contributing to the overall clarity of the essay.

How to improve: While the essay is well-organized, there is room for improvement in the use of cohesive devices. Some sentences could benefit from more varied and sophisticated transitions to enhance the overall cohesion. Additionally, attention to sentence-level cohesion within and between sentences can be refined for a smoother reading experience. Ensure that referencing and substitution are consistently clear and appropriate throughout the essay. Overall, maintaining this level of organization and refining the use of cohesive devices will contribute to further enhancing coherence and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, incorporating less common lexical items and expressing ideas with some precision. There is an attempt to use a variety of vocabulary to convey meanings, and the writer shows awareness of style and collocation. The essay also maintains coherence in presenting ideas related to success beyond wealth. However, there are occasional errors in word choice and spelling that slightly affect the overall fluency.

How to improve:

  1. Refine Word Choice: While the essay uses a range of vocabulary, there are instances where more precise or contextually fitting words could be employed. Careful consideration of word choices can enhance the sophistication of the expression.

  2. Spelling Accuracy: To improve, pay closer attention to spelling. For instance, "relieve" should be "relish," and there are a couple of other minor spelling errors. A thorough proofread before submission is crucial.

  3. Sentence Structure: The essay could benefit from more varied sentence structures. Adding complexity to sentence structures can contribute to a more sophisticated use of language.

Overall, the essay is strong in vocabulary use and addresses the prompt effectively. With some attention to detail, it has the potential to reach a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, showcasing an attempt at varied sentence forms. There are instances of complex sentences alongside simpler constructions. While there’s an effort to use a diverse range of structures, some errors in grammar and punctuation can be noticed throughout the essay. However, these errors do not significantly hinder communication.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, focus on refining the use of complex sentence structures consistently. Work on precise punctuation and grammar to minimize errors, ensuring a more fluent and error-free expression. Practicing sentence variety and proofreading for grammatical accuracy can notably elevate the overall quality of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

In today’s world, many consider wealth a symbol of success. However, I hold the view that gauging success solely on financial status overlooks crucial factors. I firmly believe that a person achieves success by nurturing and improving intrinsic qualities, notably self-discipline and perseverance.

Firstly, success should not solely hinge on material possessions but encompass overall well-being. Health, as a pivotal aspect, ensures a fulfilling life. For instance, robust health prevents various illnesses, a common concern for many. Equally important is happiness, motivating individuals to navigate life’s highs and lows. Achieving contentment triggers the release of endorphins, fostering satisfaction and longevity.

While success standards vary, certain traits contribute significantly to one’s drive. Self-discipline enables proactive life management, setting personal goals and consistently striving to achieve them. Take Dang Tran Tung, an IELTS teacher achieving band 9.0 in four consecutive tests; he attributes his success to self-discipline. Additionally, those with persistence and perseverance are more likely to succeed, persisting in the face of challenges. Thomas Edison, known for his scientific dedication, encountered numerous failures but prevailed due to his unwavering perseverance.

Considering the points raised, I maintain that success encompasses diverse measures beyond material wealth. Notably, discipline and perseverance stand as pivotal factors in achieving success.

Bài viết liên quan

Learner

  • 10 bài chấm/ ngày

  • Tốc độ trả bài chậm

  • Có thể không truy cập được ở giờ cao điểm

Plus

199K

119K/th

  • Không giới hạn bài chấm

  • Tốc độ trả bài nhanh hơn

  • Truy cập 24/7

  • Hoàn tiền 30 ngày

    Bạn được đảm bảo trong 30 ngày đầu tiên được phép hoàn tiền bất kỳ lúc nào với bất kỳ lý do nào.

Best for Teacher

Premium

249K

149K/th

  • Gói Plus

  • Hỗ trợ kĩ thuật

  • Xuất file Word/Google Docs kèm comments: Link Demo

    - Bài chấm sẽ dc xuất kèm comments gợi ý vocab
    - File Word có thể dc up lên Google Docs và các comments sẽ dc giữ nguyên
    - Các comments có thể dc chỉnh sửa theo ý muốn của gv
    - File Word cá nhân hóa & White label

  • Hoàn tiền 30 ngày

    Bạn được đảm bảo trong 30 ngày đầu tiên được phép hoàn tiền bất kỳ lúc nào với bất kỳ lý do nào.

VIP

499K

299K/th

Learner

  • 10 bài chấm/ ngày

  • Tốc độ trả bài chậm

  • Có thể không truy cập được ở giờ cao điểm

Plus

199K

159K/th

  • Không giới hạn bài chấm

  • Tốc độ trả bài nhanh hơn

  • Truy cập 24/7

  • Hoàn tiền 30 ngày

    Bạn được đảm bảo trong 30 ngày đầu tiên được phép hoàn tiền bất kỳ lúc nào với bất kỳ lý do nào.

Best for Teacher

Premium

249K

199K/th

  • Gói Plus

  • Hỗ trợ kĩ thuật

  • Xuất file Word/Google Docs kèm comments: Link Demo

    - Bài chấm sẽ dc xuất kèm comments gợi ý vocab
    - File Word có thể dc up lên Google Docs và các comments sẽ dc giữ nguyên
    - Các comments có thể dc chỉnh sửa theo ý muốn của gv
    - File Word cá nhân hóa & White label

  • Hoàn tiền 30 ngày

    Bạn được đảm bảo trong 30 ngày đầu tiên được phép hoàn tiền bất kỳ lúc nào với bất kỳ lý do nào.

VIP

499K

399K/th

Learner

  • 10 bài chấm/ ngày

  • Tốc độ trả bài chậm

  • Có thể không truy cập được ở giờ cao điểm

Plus

199K/th

  • Không giới hạn bài chấm

  • Tốc độ trả bài nhanh hơn

  • Truy cập 24/7

Best for Teacher

Premium

249K/th

  • Gói Plus

  • Hỗ trợ kĩ thuật

  • Xuất file Word/Google Docs kèm comments: Link Demo

    - Bài chấm sẽ dc xuất kèm comments gợi ý vocab
    - File Word có thể dc up lên Google Docs và các comments sẽ dc giữ nguyên
    - Các comments có thể dc chỉnh sửa theo ý muốn của gv
    - File Word cá nhân hóa & White label

VIP

499K/th

  • Everthing in Premium

  • Hand Writing Image Recognition

  • Better Accuracy with GPT-4

  • Early Access to New features

    - Speaking Feedback

  • Customization

    We help with minor customizations to get it working just right.

  • Support Development of New Features

    • Speaking Practice
    • Classroom Management (e.g., Google Class Room)
    • Reading Practice
    • Listening Practice