Summarize the information by selecting And reporting the main features And make comparisons where relevant
Summarize the information by selecting And reporting the main features And make comparisons where relevant
The line graph shows the percentage of visitors changed in four different destinations from 1980 to 2010. Overall, the numbers of visitors to the castle and zoo increased rapidly, while the opposite was true with aquarium. Over the period, there was a significant fluctuation for the visitors who went to the festival.In 1980, the percentage of visitors stood at 25%. Over next 15 years, the figure increased nearly double compared to 1980. From 1995 to 2010, the visitors went to the castle fluctuated around 40% to 48%. The percentage of visitors to the zoo was 10% in 1980. Over next few year, the figure went up steadily and reached 30% compared to all year before.For aquarium and festival, this declined steeply in overall. The festival part donw all the period. It was little different from aquarium. In 1980, the proportion of visitors come to aquarium grew up nearly twice as much as that of in 1980. All the years after decreased significantly from 35% in 1985 to around 10% in 2010.
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Errors and Improvements:
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"changed" -> "changes"
Explanation: "Changes" is more appropriate here as it accurately reflects the action of the line graph depicting alterations over time. -
"while the opposite was true with aquarium" -> "while the opposite was true for the aquarium"
Explanation: "For the aquarium" is more grammatically correct and clarifies the subject of the sentence. -
"there was a significant fluctuation for the visitors who went to the festival" -> "there were significant fluctuations in the number of visitors to the festival"
Explanation: This revision provides clearer subject-verb agreement and specifies that the fluctuations are in the number of visitors. -
"In 1980, the percentage of visitors stood at 25%" -> "In 1980, the percentage of visitors stood at 25 percent"
Explanation: Writing out "percent" instead of using the symbol is more formal and appropriate for academic writing. -
"Over next 15 years" -> "Over the next 15 years"
Explanation: Adding "the" before "next" maintains grammatical correctness. -
"From 1995 to 2010, the visitors went to the castle fluctuated around 40% to 48%" -> "From 1995 to 2010, the percentage of visitors to the castle fluctuated between 40% and 48%"
Explanation: Clarifies the subject ("percentage of visitors") and improves clarity by specifying the range of fluctuation. -
"the figure went up steadily and reached 30% compared to all year before" -> "the figure steadily increased, reaching 30% compared to previous years"
Explanation: Rewording for clarity and precision, specifying "previous years" instead of "all year before." -
"For aquarium and festival, this declined steeply in overall" -> "For the aquarium and the festival, there was a steep overall decline"
Explanation: Clarifies the subject and verb agreement, and enhances clarity and formality. -
"The festival part donw all the period" -> "The festival experienced a decline throughout the period"
Explanation: Corrects the grammatical error and provides a clearer expression of the decline in festival attendance. -
"It was little different from aquarium" -> "It differed significantly from the aquarium"
Explanation: "Differed significantly" is a more precise and formal way to convey the distinction between the festival and the aquarium. -
"the proportion of visitors come to aquarium grew up" -> "the proportion of visitors to the aquarium increased"
Explanation: "Grew up" is informal; "increased" is a more suitable term for academic writing. -
"nearly twice as much as that of in 1980" -> "almost twice as much as in 1980"
Explanation: "Almost" is more precise than "nearly" in this context, and the phrase is restructured for clarity.
Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5
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Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task by summarizing the information presented in the graph. It provides an overview of the trends in visitor percentages over the specified time period for each destination. However, there are some issues with clarity and accuracy in reporting the data.
How to improve: Provide a clearer and more accurate overview of the trends without errors in data reporting. Ensure that comparisons are made consistently and accurately throughout the essay. Avoid grammatical errors and improve coherence and cohesion in the writing. Ensure that all key features are adequately covered and supported with relevant data from the graph.
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Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5
Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a lack of overall progression. The writer attempts to summarize changes in visitor percentages over time for different destinations. However, the essay lacks clarity and coherence in how these changes are presented, leading to confusion in understanding the progression of visitor numbers over the years.
How to improve: To improve coherence and cohesion:
- Organize information logically: Ensure a clear chronological or thematic structure is followed consistently throughout the essay.
- Use cohesive devices effectively: Utilize linking words and phrases (e.g., "overall," "in contrast," "however") to connect ideas and improve the flow of information.
- Improve paragraphing: Clearly separate different aspects or time periods of the data into paragraphs, ensuring each paragraph focuses on a single main idea or time period.
Improving these elements will help enhance the clarity and coherence of the essay, thereby improving its coherence and cohesion band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5
Band Score: 5.0
Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary, with some repetition of words such as "percentage," "visitors," and "years." While it attempts to convey information about changes in visitor percentages over time, the vocabulary used is basic and lacks variety. There are noticeable errors in word choice and word formation throughout the essay, such as "went up steadily," "part donw," and "come to aquarium." Additionally, there are inconsistencies in tense usage, which can affect clarity. Despite these limitations, the essay manages to communicate the main features of the graph, albeit with some difficulty.
How to improve:
To improve the Lexical Resource score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary and using a wider range of words to convey ideas more precisely. They should aim to avoid repetitive language and common errors in word choice and formation. Paying attention to tense consistency and sentence structure can also enhance clarity and coherence in the essay. Additionally, proofreading for spelling and grammatical errors is essential to ensure effective communication.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 4
Band Score: 4.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures and uses predominantly simple sentences. There are attempts at complex structures, but they often lack accuracy, leading to unclear expression. The essay also suffers from frequent grammatical errors and faulty punctuation, which hinder comprehension. Additionally, there is inconsistency in tense usage, which affects the coherence of the essay.
How to improve: To improve the grammatical range and accuracy, focus on expanding the variety of sentence structures used. Incorporate more complex sentences with proper usage of subordinate clauses. Pay attention to verb tense consistency throughout the essay. Work on reducing grammatical errors and improving punctuation for clearer communication. Practice proofreading to identify and correct errors before submitting the essay.
Bài sửa mẫu
The provided line graph illustrates the fluctuations in the percentage of visitors to four distinct destinations between 1980 and 2010. Overall, there were noticeable increases in visitor numbers to both the castle and zoo, whereas the aquarium experienced a decline. The festival witnessed significant fluctuations over the period.
In 1980, approximately 25% of visitors frequented the festival, a figure that nearly doubled over the following 15 years. Subsequently, from 1995 to 2010, the proportion of visitors to the castle fluctuated between 40% and 48%. Conversely, the zoo saw a modest beginning in 1980 with 10% of visitors, steadily increasing to 30% by the subsequent years.
However, the aquarium and festival experienced declines throughout the observed period. The festival saw a consistent decrease, while the aquarium’s visitors declined sharply from 35% in 1985 to approximately 10% in 2010.
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