Task 1: The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work on one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.

Task 1: The chart below shows the number of people employed in five
types of work on one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.

The bar charts illustrate the data of Australian employees worked in five types of region between 2001 and 2008.

In overall, number of people who choosed work in sales quiet high in both years 2001 and 2008, higher than others types. Different from sales, farming has very little employees in both year 2001 and 2008.
In 2001, there were more than 150 thousand of people employed in Sales. About 60 thousand
employees worked for Computing. Nursing people has approximately 60 thousand people and the number of people employed in farming at that year was 30 thousand.
Turn to 2008, after 7 years the employees worked for sales, Computing and nursing has increased, speacially the computing. People worked in Sales from close to 160 thousand in 2001,has increased more to 170 thousand of people.
The accounting's workers had decreased lower than 60 thousand. The number of people employed in Computing and the nurse continue rise to 80 thousand and 60 thousand workers. Finally, the farming's employees went down to 20 thousand
in 2008.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"worked in five types of region" -> "worked in five different regions"
Explanation: "Types of region" is awkward and unclear. "Different regions" is more precise and natural in academic language.
"choosed" -> "chose"
Explanation: "Choosed" is a spelling error; "chose" is the correct form of the verb.
"quiet high" -> "relatively high"
Explanation: "Quiet high" is an incorrect phrase. "Relatively high" is the correct comparative form and is appropriate for academic writing.
"higher than others types" -> "higher than the others"
Explanation: "Others types" is grammatically incorrect. "The others" is the correct pronoun form.
"farming has very little employees" -> "farming had very few employees"
Explanation: "Has" is incorrect in this context as it refers to the past. "Had" is the correct past tense. Also, "very little" is less formal; "very few" is more precise and formal.
"both year" -> "both years"
Explanation: "Year" should be pluralized to "years" to agree with the plural context.
"more than 150 thousand of people" -> "over 150,000 people"
Explanation: "More than 150 thousand of people" is awkward and verbose. "Over 150,000 people" is more concise and formal.
"Nursing people" -> "Nursing professionals"
Explanation: "Nursing people" is vague and informal. "Nursing professionals" is specific and appropriate for an academic context.
"speacially" -> "particularly"
Explanation: "Speacially" is a spelling error. "Particularly" is the correct spelling and is more formal.
"has increased more to" -> "increased to"
Explanation: "Has increased more to" is redundant. "Increased to" is more direct and appropriate for formal writing.
"The accounting’s workers" -> "Accounting workers"
Explanation: "The accounting’s workers" is grammatically incorrect. "Accounting workers" is the correct form.
"the nurse" -> "nurses"
Explanation: "The nurse" is singular and incorrect in this context. "Nurses" is plural and matches the context of the data.
"continue rise" -> "continued to rise"
Explanation: "Continue rise" is grammatically incorrect. "Continued to rise" is the correct form of the verb.
"the farming’s employees" -> "farmers"
Explanation: "The farming’s employees" is awkward and unclear. "Farmers" is a more direct and appropriate term for the data discussed.
"went down to 20 thousand" -> "decreased to 20,000"
Explanation: "Went down to" is informal and vague. "Decreased to" is more precise and formal.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay does not present a clear overview of the main trends in the data. The essay recounts detail mechanically with no clear overview. The essay presents, but inadequately covers, key features/bullet points. There is a tendency to focus on details.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by presenting a clear overview of the main trends in the data. For example, the essay could state that the number of people employed in sales increased between 2001 and 2008, while the number of people employed in farming decreased. The essay could also highlight the key features of the data, such as the fact that sales was the most popular type of work in both years. The essay should also avoid focusing on details and instead focus on presenting a clear and concise overview of the data.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While it attempts to describe the data, the ideas are not always clearly connected, and there are instances of inadequate referencing and substitution. The use of cohesive devices is inconsistent, leading to some repetition and confusion. Additionally, the paragraphing is present but not always logical, which detracts from the overall coherence of the essay.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on logically organizing the information and ensuring clear progression from one idea to the next. Using a wider range of cohesive devices effectively, while avoiding overuse, would also help. Improving the clarity of referencing and substitution will reduce repetition. Finally, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic and is logically structured will strengthen the overall organization of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to convey the information from the bar charts, there are noticeable errors in word choice and spelling (e.g., "choosed," "quiet," "speacially," "the accounting’s workers"). These errors may cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the message. Additionally, the use of basic vocabulary and repetitive phrases detracts from the overall effectiveness of the essay.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to expand their vocabulary by incorporating a wider range of terms related to employment and statistics. They should also focus on improving accuracy in word choice and spelling. Practicing the use of synonyms and less common lexical items, as well as reviewing grammatical structures, would help convey precise meanings more effectively. Finally, proofreading for spelling and grammatical errors before submission would improve clarity and coherence.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, with attempts at complex sentences that are often inaccurate. There are frequent grammatical errors, particularly in subject-verb agreement and word choice, which can cause some difficulty for the reader. While the overall meaning is conveyed, the errors detract from the clarity and fluency of the writing. The use of punctuation is also inconsistent, contributing to the overall impression of grammatical weakness.
How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Sentence Structure: Practice using a wider variety of sentence structures, including more complex sentences with subordinate clauses.
Grammar and Punctuation: Review basic grammar rules, particularly subject-verb agreement and correct use of articles. Additionally, pay attention to punctuation to ensure clarity.
Proofreading: After writing, take time to proofread the essay to catch and correct errors before submission. This can help in identifying common mistakes and improving overall accuracy.
Vocabulary: Expand vocabulary to use more precise language, which can help in reducing ambiguity and improving the overall quality of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

The bar charts illustrate the data of Australian employees working in five types of occupations in one region between 2001 and 2008.

Overall, the number of people who chose to work in sales was quite high in both 2001 and 2008, higher than in the other types. In contrast to sales, farming had very few employees in both 2001 and 2008.

In 2001, there were more than 150 thousand people employed in sales. About 60 thousand employees worked in computing. The number of nursing staff was approximately 60 thousand, while the number of people employed in farming that year was 30 thousand.

By 2008, after seven years, the number of employees working in sales, computing, and nursing had increased, especially in computing. The number of people working in sales rose from close to 160 thousand in 2001 to more than 170 thousand in 2008. The number of accounting workers decreased to below 60 thousand. The number of people employed in computing and nursing continued to rise to 80 thousand and 60 thousand, respectively. Finally, the number of employees in farming fell to 20 thousand in 2008.