Task 1: The charts below show the percentage of Australian men and women in three age groups who were employed in 1984, 2001, and 2014.

The bar charts provide information on the proportion of male and female workforce in three age groups recorded in three years, namely 1984, 2001 and 2014.

Overall, except for women in 1984, the percentage of the labor force in the 35 – 44 age group was predominant in all categories. In addition, this period witnessed an increase in the percentage of old employees.

Regarding men, the figures for 1984 mirrored that of 2001. To be more specific, the percentage of laborers in the middle age group took the leading position at 80%, followed by the 15-19 group at around 60%, and the 60-64 at 40%. In 2014, while the data on workforce from 35-44 remained unchanged, the figure for 60-64 group was slightly higher than the figure of 15-19, accounting for 60% and 50% respectively.

In terms of women, the percentage of workers in the 15-19 age bracket in three years was identical, constituting 60%. Meanwhile, 1984 was the sole year that this figure stood in the highest position. The percentage of the workforce in the middle age cohort gradually rose, from 58% to 80%. Similarly, the figure for the population from 60 to 64 years old experienced the same trend, but at a lower rate from 10% to over 40%.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"workforce" -> "workforce demographics"
Explanation: "Workforce demographics" is a more precise term that refers to the composition of workers based on various factors such as age, gender, and ethnicity. It adds specificity and clarity to the context.
"recorded" -> "surveyed"
Explanation: "Surveyed" is a more accurate term in this context as it implies that data was collected through a survey or similar method, whereas "recorded" is more general and could refer to any form of documentation.
"predominant" -> "predominantly"
Explanation: "Predominantly" is the adverb form of "predominant" and is more appropriate here for describing the degree to which the percentage of the labor force in the 35 – 44 age group stands out in all categories.
"witnessed" -> "observed"
Explanation: "Observed" is a more formal and precise term compared to "witnessed" in this context. It conveys the idea that the increase in the percentage of old employees was noticed or recorded.
"figures" -> "data"
Explanation: While "figures" can refer to numerical data, "data" is a more encompassing term that includes both numerical and non-numerical information. Using "data" provides a broader scope and accuracy in describing the information presented in the bar charts.
"mirrored that of" -> "paralleled"
Explanation: "Paralleled" conveys the idea of similarity or correspondence between the figures for 1984 and 2001 in a more sophisticated manner than "mirrored that of."
"to be more specific" -> "to specify"
Explanation: "To specify" is a more concise and formal way of indicating that more detailed information will follow.
"laborers" -> "workers"
Explanation: "Workers" is a more inclusive and neutral term compared to "laborers," which may carry connotations of manual labor. Using "workers" maintains professionalism and neutrality in describing the demographic groups.
"accounting for" -> "comprising"
Explanation: "Comprising" is a more precise term to indicate the percentage represented by a particular demographic group within the total. It avoids repetition and adds variety to the language used.
"cohort" -> "age bracket"
Explanation: While "cohort" can refer to a group of individuals with a common characteristic, "age bracket" specifically highlights the age range being discussed in the context of the workforce demographics, providing clarity and specificity.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

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Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay adequately covers the requirements of the task by providing a clear overview of the main trends in the data for both men and women across the three specified years. The key features, such as the predominant age groups in the workforce and the changes over time, are presented and highlighted appropriately.
How to improve: To further improve, the essay could extend the analysis by providing more specific data points or comparisons between the years, enhancing the depth of insight into the trends observed in the charts.
]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay arranges information coherently with a clear overall progression, as it discusses the percentages of Australian men and women in different age groups who were employed in 1984, 2001, and 2014. It effectively uses cohesive devices, but there are some instances where cohesion within and/or between sentences may be faulty or mechanical. The essay does use paragraphing, but it is not always logical, particularly in the opening sentence, which could be better integrated into the overall structure.

How to improve:
To improve coherence and cohesion, ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that ideas are logically sequenced. Additionally, work on using cohesive devices more effectively to create smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Pay close attention to the logical flow of the essay to ensure that all information is presented in a clear and organized manner.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with appropriate and varied lexical choices throughout. There is effective use of terminology related to the topic of employment and age groups. The writer employs a mix of common and less common lexical items, demonstrating some awareness of style and collocation. However, there are occasional inaccuracies in word choice and word formation, such as "labor force" instead of "workforce" and "old employees" instead of "older employees." Overall, the essay effectively conveys meaning with a sufficient range of vocabulary.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, pay closer attention to word choice and collocation. Avoid minor inaccuracies and ensure consistency in terminology usage. Additionally, strive for more precise and sophisticated vocabulary where appropriate to elevate the lexical quality of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of complex structures, including varied sentence lengths and types. The writer effectively employs subordinate clauses and transitions to convey meaning. There is a clear attempt to use a variety of sentence structures, contributing to coherence and cohesion. The majority of sentences are error-free, with good control of grammar and punctuation. However, there are a few minor errors present, such as inconsistency in tense ("except for women in 1984, the percentage… was predominant"), and some awkward phrasing ("the percentage of old employees"). Despite these minor issues, communication remains largely unaffected.

How to improve: To improve, the writer should focus on maintaining consistency in tense throughout the essay. Additionally, revising awkward phrasing can enhance clarity and fluency. Further attention to minor errors, such as subject-verb agreement and article usage, can elevate the essay’s grammatical accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided bar charts illustrate the proportions of employed Australian men and women across three age brackets during the years 1984, 2001, and 2014.

Overall, with the exception of women in 1984, the 35-44 age group consistently comprised the largest segment of the workforce in all categories. Additionally, there was a notable increase in the percentage of older employees over this period.

Concerning men, the proportions in 1984 closely resembled those of 2001. Specifically, approximately 80% of the workforce fell within the 35-44 age group, followed by around 60% in the 15-19 age category, and approximately 40% in the 60-64 age group. In 2014, while the percentage of workers aged 35-44 remained steady, there was a slight uptick in the 60-64 age group, surpassing the proportion of those aged 15-19, constituting 60% and 50% respectively.

Regarding women, the percentage of employees aged 15-19 remained consistent across all three years, at 60%. However, in 1984, this group held the highest proportion. Meanwhile, the percentage of women in the 35-44 age bracket steadily increased from 58% to 80% over the observed period. Similarly, the proportion of women aged 60-64 experienced a gradual but less pronounced rise, climbing from 10% to over 40%.