Task 2

Task 2

In almost all countries of the world, imprisonment was the most common method to punish the lawbreakers. Nevertheless, this method is not effective for some individuals based on their sophisticated thinking and community so that is why the criminals were likely to return to prison a second time. In this essay I will discuss both views and show my perspective.

For some science research, most criminals have some mental issues so imprisoning these criminals without reasonable measures will enhance a potential risk of more thoughtless actions. In contrast, some prisons believe that it is suitable to treat criminals comfortably, such as allow for using the mobile phone, watching television or even access to the internet so this will lead to wrong thinking about the power of their nation law.

Instead of implementing some current methods in prisons such as punishing and deterring criminals. We should instead focus on mental education as well as social knowledge for criminals, combining many social activities. The government can drive in studying and working in an industrial production environment, doing charity work or helping with physics work.

In summary, sending criminals to prison is a method that can be applied to most criminals. But this still has some limitations and potential risks that require improvement in management and education in this environment in the future.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "In almost all countries of the world" -> "In most countries worldwide"
   Explanation: "In most countries worldwide" is a more concise and formal way to express the geographical scope, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.

2. "the most common method to punish the lawbreakers" -> "the most prevalent method of punishing offenders"
   Explanation: "The most prevalent method of punishing offenders" uses more precise and formal vocabulary, replacing "lawbreakers" with "offenders" to align with legal terminology.

3. "this method is not effective for some individuals" -> "this approach is ineffective for certain individuals"
   Explanation: "This approach is ineffective for certain individuals" uses more precise language and avoids the casual tone of "some."

4. "sophisticated thinking and community" -> "advanced cognitive abilities and societal norms"
   Explanation: "Advanced cognitive abilities and societal norms" provides a more specific and academically appropriate description of the factors influencing criminal behavior.

5. "so that is why" -> "therefore"
   Explanation: "Therefore" is a more formal transitional phrase suitable for academic writing, replacing the colloquial "so that is why."

6. "For some science research" -> "According to certain scientific research"
   Explanation: "According to certain scientific research" clarifies the source of the information and uses more formal language.

7. "enhance a potential risk" -> "increase the risk"
   Explanation: "Increase the risk" is a more direct and formal way to express the enhancement of a risk, avoiding the awkward construction of "enhance a potential risk."

8. "some prisons believe" -> "some correctional facilities believe"
   Explanation: "Correctional facilities" is a more precise and formal term than "prisons," aligning better with academic style.

9. "allow for using the mobile phone" -> "permit the use of mobile phones"
   Explanation: "Permit the use of mobile phones" is more formal and grammatically correct than "allow for using the mobile phone."

10. "watching television or even access to the internet" -> "viewing television or accessing the internet"
    Explanation: "Viewing television or accessing the internet" uses more formal verb forms, enhancing the academic tone.

11. "wrong thinking about the power of their nation law" -> "misconceptions about the authority of national laws"
    Explanation: "Misconceptions about the authority of national laws" is a more precise and formal way to describe the issue, avoiding the colloquial "wrong thinking."

12. "Instead of implementing some current methods" -> "Rather than implementing existing methods"
    Explanation: "Rather than implementing existing methods" is a more formal and precise alternative, improving the academic tone.

13. "punishing and deterring criminals" -> "punishing and deterring offenders"
    Explanation: Consistency in terminology is maintained by using "offenders" instead of "criminals" to maintain a formal tone.

14. "doing charity work or helping with physics work" -> "engaging in charitable activities or assisting with scientific projects"
    Explanation: "Engaging in charitable activities or assisting with scientific projects" uses more precise and formal language, enhancing the academic quality of the statement.

15. "sending criminals to prison" -> "incarcerating offenders"
    Explanation: "Incarcerating offenders" is a more formal and precise term, suitable for academic writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt by discussing the effectiveness of imprisonment as a punishment. However, it lacks a clear articulation of the specific views it intends to discuss. The phrase "discuss both views" is vague, and the essay does not explicitly outline what those views are. Additionally, the conclusion does not effectively summarize or reflect on the arguments presented. The mention of "mental issues" and "social knowledge" is relevant but lacks depth and clarity in relation to the prompt.
  • How to improve: To improve, the essay should clearly identify and articulate the two views it plans to discuss at the outset. Each view should be explicitly stated in the introduction, and the body paragraphs should be structured to reflect these views clearly. A more robust conclusion that ties back to the views discussed would also enhance clarity.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a somewhat unclear position regarding the effectiveness of imprisonment. While it mentions that imprisonment is not effective for some individuals, it does not consistently advocate for a specific alternative or solution throughout the essay. The position appears to shift between criticizing imprisonment and suggesting educational measures without a strong, unifying argument.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should choose a definitive stance on the effectiveness of imprisonment and consistently support that stance with relevant arguments throughout the essay. Using transitional phrases to guide the reader through the argument can help reinforce the position.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The ideas presented in the essay are somewhat underdeveloped. For example, the mention of mental issues among criminals is a valid point, but it is not sufficiently elaborated upon. The suggestion of "mental education" and "social knowledge" lacks specific examples or evidence to support its effectiveness as an alternative to imprisonment. The ideas presented are often vague and not fully explored.
  • How to improve: To strengthen the essay, the writer should provide specific examples or case studies to support their claims. Each idea should be presented clearly, followed by an explanation of its relevance and implications. Additionally, extending each point with further analysis would enhance the depth of the argument.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing imprisonment and its effectiveness. However, some sentences introduce ideas that seem tangential, such as the mention of "comfortable treatment" in prisons, which could confuse the reader regarding the main argument. The focus on social activities and charity work, while relevant, is not clearly linked back to the main topic of imprisonment.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the central argument regarding the effectiveness of imprisonment. It may help to outline the main points before writing the essay to ensure that all content is relevant and contributes to the overall argument.

In summary, to improve the essay’s score, the writer should aim for a clearer structure, articulate a definitive position, provide more detailed support for their ideas, and ensure that all content remains focused on the prompt. Additionally, addressing the word count issue is crucial, as essays that fall short of the required length may not fully develop their arguments.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the logical flow between ideas could be improved. For example, the transition from discussing the ineffectiveness of imprisonment to the suggestion of mental education feels abrupt. The essay does attempt to address both views, but the connections between them could be more explicitly stated to enhance understanding.
  • How to improve: To improve logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences that outline the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, employing transitional phrases (e.g., "On one hand," "Conversely," "Furthermore") can help guide the reader through the argument and clarify the relationship between different points.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. However, the second paragraph could be split into two separate paragraphs to better delineate the contrasting views on imprisonment and treatment of criminals. This would enhance clarity and allow for a more in-depth exploration of each perspective.
  • How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph contains a single main idea and supporting details. When introducing a new perspective, consider starting a new paragraph. This will not only improve readability but also help the reader follow the progression of your argument more easily.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay includes some cohesive devices, such as "Nevertheless," "In contrast," and "Instead of," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and some transitions feel forced or unclear. For instance, the phrase "this will lead to wrong thinking about the power of their nation law" lacks a clear connection to the previous sentence, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases (e.g., "Moreover," "Consequently," "As a result"). Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device is used appropriately and enhances the clarity of the argument. Practicing the use of these devices in different contexts can help improve their effectiveness in your writing.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, enhancing the logical flow, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices will contribute to a stronger overall performance in the Coherence and Cohesion criteria.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some effective word choices such as "imprisonment," "punish," and "criminals." However, there are instances where the vocabulary is repetitive or lacks variation, such as the repeated use of "criminals" and "prisons." Phrases like "mental issues" and "thoughtless actions" are somewhat generic and could be replaced with more specific terms to enhance the essay’s depth.
  • How to improve: To improve lexical range, the writer should aim to incorporate synonyms and more varied expressions. For example, instead of repeatedly using "criminals," alternatives like "offenders," "lawbreakers," or "delinquents" could be used. Additionally, the writer could explore more sophisticated vocabulary related to psychology and rehabilitation, such as "recidivism," "rehabilitative measures," or "cognitive behavioral therapy."

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains some imprecise vocabulary usage that may confuse the reader. For instance, the phrase "sophisticated thinking" is vague and does not clearly convey the intended meaning. Additionally, "enhance a potential risk" is awkward; "increase the potential for risk" would be more precise. The term "wrong thinking about the power of their nation law" is also unclear and could be better articulated.
  • How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on clarity and specificity in word choice. For example, instead of "sophisticated thinking," the writer could specify "complex reasoning" or "advanced cognitive processes." The phrase "wrong thinking" could be replaced with "misunderstanding" or "misconception" to convey a clearer meaning. Encouraging the use of contextually appropriate phrases will also help improve precision.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates good spelling, with only a few minor errors. However, there are notable mistakes such as "allow for using the mobile phone," which could be more accurately phrased as "allowing the use of mobile phones." The phrase "doing charity work or helping with physics work" contains a spelling error where "physics" should likely be "physical," as it refers to physical labor or tasks.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully, paying particular attention to commonly confused words and phrases. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, practicing spelling through vocabulary exercises and quizzes can reinforce correct spelling habits.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of vocabulary, there are clear areas for improvement in range, precision, and spelling. By diversifying word choice, enhancing clarity, and ensuring spelling accuracy, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criteria.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and some complex sentences. For example, the sentence "In almost all countries of the world, imprisonment was the most common method to punish the lawbreakers" is a straightforward declarative sentence. However, the essay relies heavily on simple and compound sentences, such as "In contrast, some prisons believe that it is suitable to treat criminals comfortably," which limits the complexity and variety needed for a higher band score. The use of phrases like "this method is not effective for some individuals based on their sophisticated thinking and community" shows an attempt at complexity but lacks clarity and coherence.
  • How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses and varied conjunctions. For instance, instead of saying "In contrast, some prisons believe that it is suitable to treat criminals comfortably," the writer could say, "While some prisons argue that treating criminals comfortably is beneficial, others contend that such an approach undermines the seriousness of their offenses." Additionally, employing a wider variety of sentence openings and structures will make the writing more engaging.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that affect clarity. For instance, the phrase "so that is why the criminals were likely to return to prison a second time" is awkwardly constructed and could be simplified to "which may lead to a higher likelihood of recidivism." There are also punctuation errors, such as the lack of commas in compound sentences, which can lead to run-on sentences. For example, "Instead of implementing some current methods in prisons such as punishing and deterring criminals" is missing a comma after "prisons," making it difficult to parse the sentence correctly.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for common errors, such as subject-verb agreement and sentence fragments. Additionally, practicing the use of commas in complex sentences will help clarify meaning. For example, breaking up long sentences or using semicolons to separate independent clauses can enhance readability. Engaging in grammar exercises focused on common pitfalls in academic writing can also be beneficial.

Overall, while the essay presents some relevant ideas and arguments, enhancing the variety of sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy will significantly contribute to achieving a higher band score in the IELTS writing assessment.

Bài sửa mẫu

In almost all countries worldwide, imprisonment is the most prevalent method of punishing offenders. Nevertheless, this approach is ineffective for certain individuals due to their advanced cognitive abilities and societal norms, which often lead to a higher likelihood of reoffending. In this essay, I will discuss both perspectives and present my viewpoint.

According to certain scientific research, many criminals experience mental health issues. Therefore, incarcerating these individuals without appropriate measures may increase the risk of further reckless behavior. In contrast, some correctional facilities believe that it is beneficial to treat offenders more comfortably, such as permitting the use of mobile phones, viewing television, or accessing the internet. However, this can lead to misconceptions about the authority of national laws.

Rather than implementing existing methods in prisons that focus solely on punishing and deterring offenders, we should prioritize mental education and social awareness for these individuals, incorporating various community activities. The government could facilitate opportunities for studying and working in industrial environments, engaging in charitable activities, or assisting with scientific projects.

In summary, while sending offenders to prison is a method that can be applied to many, it still has limitations and potential risks. Therefore, improvements in management and education within this environment are essential for the future.