TASK 2: It is important for people to take risks, in both their professional lives and personal lives. Do the advantages of taking these risks outweigh the disadvantages?

TASK 2:
It is important for people to take risks, in both their professional lives and personal lives.
Do the advantages of taking these risks outweigh the disadvantages?

In the contemporary era, people find it more complicated to get out of their comfort zone and become a controversial topic. Due to the fact living in a safety zone is easier than risking their career or life. Therefore, it will construct bad habits for our mankind, and in the ensuing paragraph, I will elaborate on the disadvantages of the above statement.
Examining the consequence of hesitation to take risks, the foremost one is it impedes mankind’s curiosity and bravery, which is fundamental to the advancement of society. Moreover, what makes humans have a lot of significant innovation is scientist’s tears and blood after numerous failed experiments. This is examined by the case of Thomas Edison’s light bulbs, initially he bet all property, even his house, for a vague stuff, which will illuminate the earth. According to the business index, over 70% of successful companies come from experience at bankruptcy.
According to the advantages of taking risks, it will strengthen the ability of humans to overcome adversity. To begin with, if people take more risks, the more successful they will have. For example, in business if we serve the customer with low-quality products which are effortless to buy, they will have a higher chance of getting a minority of interest or losses. With respect to Steve Jobs, founder of Apple, the origin of one of the most successful companies is a 100 000 dollar debt which is equivalent to his house at this moment.
To sum up, I suppose that taking risks is the best way to improve human ability, and maintaining a comfortable lifestyle ruins our progress. I hope that shortly, there are more people who will risk their life or career as they have nothing left to lose.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"people find it more complicated" -> "individuals find it more challenging"
Explanation: Replacing "people find it more complicated" with "individuals find it more challenging" adds a level of formality and precision to the statement, avoiding the colloquial tone of "complicated."
"become a controversial topic" -> "embrace controversy"
Explanation: Substituting "become a controversial topic" with "embrace controversy" maintains the idea while using a more sophisticated and formal phrase, aligning with academic style.
"Due to the fact" -> "Owing to the"
Explanation: Replacing "Due to the fact" with "Owing to the" provides a more formal and concise transition, adhering to academic writing principles.
"construct bad habits for our mankind" -> "develop detrimental habits for humanity"
Explanation: Changing "construct bad habits for our mankind" to "develop detrimental habits for humanity" introduces more formal and precise language, emphasizing the impact on the broader human population.
"ensuing paragraph" -> "following paragraphs"
Explanation: Substituting "ensuing paragraph" with "following paragraphs" maintains the flow while avoiding the repetitive use of "ensuing."
"Examining the consequence of hesitation" -> "Examining the consequences of hesitating"
Explanation: Adjusting "Examining the consequence of hesitation" to "Examining the consequences of hesitating" improves the grammatical structure and aligns with a more formal style.
"foremost one is it impedes" -> "primary one is that it impedes"
Explanation: Changing "foremost one is it impedes" to "primary one is that it impedes" enhances the sentence structure and maintains a formal tone.
"mankind’s curiosity and bravery" -> "humanity’s curiosity and valor"
Explanation: Substituting "mankind’s curiosity and bravery" with "humanity’s curiosity and valor" introduces more sophisticated terms while retaining the original meaning.
"tears and blood" -> "effort and perseverance"
Explanation: Replacing "tears and blood" with "effort and perseverance" maintains the idea with more neutral and formal language.
"a vague stuff" -> "an ambiguous substance"
Explanation: Changing "a vague stuff" to "an ambiguous substance" introduces a more formal term, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.
"construct bad habits for our mankind" (repeated phrase) -> "develop detrimental habits for humanity"
Explanation: Repeating the correction for clarity.
"According to the business index" -> "According to economic indices"
Explanation: Substituting "According to the business index" with "According to economic indices" adds specificity and formality to the reference.
"For example, in business if we serve the customer" -> "For instance, in commerce, if we cater to the customer"
Explanation: Changing "For example, in business if we serve the customer" to "For instance, in commerce, if we cater to the customer" offers a more formal and precise expression.
"which are effortless to buy" -> "that are easily accessible"
Explanation: Replacing "which are effortless to buy" with "that are easily accessible" maintains clarity while using a more formal term.
"they will have a higher chance of getting a minority of interest or losses" -> "they are more likely to incur minimal returns or losses"
Explanation: Substituting "they will have a higher chance of getting a minority of interest or losses" with "they are more likely to incur minimal returns or losses" improves clarity and formality.
"With respect to Steve Jobs" -> "In the case of Steve Jobs"
Explanation: Changing "With respect to Steve Jobs" to "In the case of Steve Jobs" provides a more formal transition.
"origin of one of the most successful companies" -> "genesis of one of the most successful enterprises"
Explanation: Replacing "origin of one of the most successful companies" with "genesis of one of the most successful enterprises" introduces a more formal term.
"is a 100 000 dollar debt" -> "is a debt of $100,000"
Explanation: Adjusting "is a 100 000 dollar debt" to "is a debt of $100,000" conforms to a more standard and formal representation of the monetary value.
"equivalent to his house at this moment" -> "equivalent to the value of his residence currently"
Explanation: Changing "equivalent to his house at this moment" to "equivalent to the value of his residence currently" offers a more precise and formal expression.
"I suppose that" -> "I contend that"
Explanation: Substituting "I suppose that" with "I contend that" introduces a more formal and assertive tone.
"there are more people who will risk their life or career" -> "more individuals willing to risk their lives or careers"
Explanation: Adjusting "there are more people who will risk their life or career" to "more individuals willing to risk their lives or careers" enhances formality and precision.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Quoted text: "In the contemporary era, people find it more complicated to get out of their comfort zone and become a controversial topic. Due to the fact living in a safety zone is easier than risking their career or life. Therefore, it will construct bad habits for our mankind, and in the ensuing paragraph, I will elaborate on the disadvantages of the above statement."
- Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The introduction lacks clarity in presenting the writer’s position on the topic. The language is somewhat unclear, and the expression "become a controversial topic" seems disconnected. It would be more effective to clearly state whether the writer agrees or disagrees with the idea of taking risks in the introduction. Additionally, consider rephrasing to improve coherence and precision.
- Improved example: "In the contemporary era, individuals often struggle to step out of their comfort zones, and the reluctance to take risks has become a prevalent issue. Living within the confines of safety appears more appealing than venturing into the uncertainties of one’s career or personal life. This essay explores the negative consequences of prioritizing a secure existence over embracing risks."
Quoted text: "Examining the consequence of hesitation to take risks, the foremost one is it impedes mankind’s curiosity and bravery, which is fundamental to the advancement of society. Moreover, what makes humans have a lot of significant innovation is scientist’s tears and blood after numerous failed experiments. This is examined by the case of Thomas Edison’s light bulbs, initially he bet all property, even his house, for a vague stuff, which will illuminate the earth. According to the business index, over 70% of successful companies come from experience at bankruptcy."
- Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The paragraph is well-structured, but the use of language and examples could be refined for clarity. The phrase "vague stuff" is imprecise, and the reference to the "business index" lacks specificity. Consider providing concrete examples and refining the language for a more persuasive argument.
- Improved example: "When individuals hesitate to take risks, it hinders the curiosity and bravery crucial for societal progress. Significant innovations often arise from the relentless efforts and resilience of scientists, exemplified by Thomas Edison’s pursuit of the light bulb. Edison risked his entire fortune, including his house, for the groundbreaking invention. Moreover, statistics indicate that more than 70% of successful companies have experienced setbacks, highlighting the link between risk-taking and ultimate success."
Quoted text: "According to the advantages of taking risks, it will strengthen the ability of humans to overcome adversity. To begin with, if people take more risks, the more successful they will have. For example, in business if we serve the customer with low-quality products which are effortless to buy, they will have a higher chance of getting a minority of interest or losses. With respect to Steve Jobs, founder of Apple, the origin of one of the most successful companies is a 100 000 dollar debt which is equivalent to his house at this moment."
- Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The paragraph presents a valid point but lacks depth in explaining how taking risks strengthens the ability to overcome adversity. The example of serving low-quality products might be confusing and needs clarification. Consider providing more nuanced examples that directly support the argument and avoid ambiguous statements.
- Improved example: "Taking risks is instrumental in enhancing humans’ resilience in the face of adversity. For instance, individuals who embrace risks often experience increased success. In the business realm, delivering high-quality products, even if initially challenging, establishes a solid customer base and minimizes the risk of financial losses. Steve Jobs, the founder of Apple, exemplifies this principle by taking a significant financial risk, incurring a $100,000 debt equivalent to his house, leading to the establishment of one of the most successful companies in history."

Overall, the essay has potential, but improvements in clarity, precision, and depth of examples are needed to elevate it to a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion. Ideas are generally organized coherently, with a clear overall progression. The essay uses cohesive devices effectively, but there are instances where cohesion within and between sentences is somewhat faulty or mechanical. The introduction lacks clarity, and there are some issues with referencing and substitution. Paragraphing is used, but not always logically. Overall, the essay presents a coherent argument but falls short of achieving a higher band due to minor issues in cohesion and organization.

How to Improve:

Introduction Clarity: Begin the essay with a clear and concise introduction that explicitly states the position on the topic. This helps set the tone for the rest of the essay.
Cohesive Devices: Pay attention to the use of cohesive devices. Ensure that they are used consistently and effectively to link ideas within and between sentences. This will contribute to a smoother flow of the essay.
Referencing and Substitution: Improve the clarity of referencing and substitution to avoid confusion. Make sure pronouns and other references connect logically to the intended antecedents for a more cohesive narrative.
Logical Paragraphing: Reconsider the organization of paragraphs to enhance logical flow. Each paragraph should present a clear central topic, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, attempting to use less common vocabulary but with some inaccuracy. The writer discusses the advantages and disadvantages of taking risks, touching upon concepts like curiosity, bravery, innovation, and adversity. However, there are instances of imprecise word choice and collocation, such as "vague stuff" and "serve the customer with low-quality products which are effortless to buy." Additionally, there are spelling errors, such as "the ensuing paragraph" should be "the ensuing paragraphs," and awkward phrasing, like "For example, in business if we serve the customer with low-quality products."

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, focus on using more precise and accurate vocabulary. Avoid awkward phrasing and ensure that the chosen words fit seamlessly within the context. Proofread for spelling errors to improve overall clarity and coherence. Consider refining the use of less common vocabulary to maintain accuracy and appropriateness.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms. The writer attempts to use a variety of structures, but there are noticeable errors in grammar and punctuation that occasionally affect communication. The essay shows some control of grammar and punctuation, but errors are present throughout, such as in the use of articles ("a controversial topic"), verb tense agreement ("Examining the consequence"), and sentence structure ("in the ensuing paragraph"). Despite these errors, the overall communication is not severely hindered.

How to improve:

Grammar and Punctuation: Pay close attention to grammar and punctuation, especially the correct use of articles, verb tenses, and sentence structures. Review and revise for clarity and accuracy.
Sentence Structure: Aim for more consistency in sentence structure, avoiding awkward or unclear phrasing. Make sure each sentence contributes effectively to the overall coherence of the essay.
Word Choice and Expression: Work on refining expressions for greater precision and coherence. This includes word choices like "Examining the consequence" which could be more effectively phrased.

Overall, the essay is on the right track but needs careful proofreading and revision to enhance grammatical accuracy and improve the overall flow of the text.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the modern era, individuals often find it challenging to step outside their comfort zones, making the concept of taking risks a contentious issue. Living within the safety of familiar territory seems more appealing than venturing into uncertain areas, be it in their professional endeavors or personal lives. This inclination towards a risk-averse lifestyle may foster detrimental habits in our society. In the subsequent paragraphs, I will delve into the drawbacks associated with this mindset.

Examining the repercussions of hesitating to take risks, the primary disadvantage is that it hampers human curiosity and bravery, both of which are pivotal for societal advancement. Significant innovations often arise from the dedication and resilience displayed by scientists, who endure failures in numerous experiments. A poignant example is the case of Thomas Edison, who staked his entire estate, including his home, on a seemingly obscure pursuit—the creation of a light bulb to illuminate the world. Statistics from the business index reveal that over 70% of successful companies have emerged from the experience of facing bankruptcy.

On the flip side, embracing risks brings forth advantages by bolstering humans’ ability to overcome adversity. When individuals take more risks, their chances of achieving success increase. In the realm of business, for instance, providing customers with low-quality products that are easy to acquire might yield short-term gains, but the likelihood of facing minimal interest or losses is higher. Steve Jobs, the founder of Apple, serves as a prime example. The genesis of one of the most prosperous companies can be traced back to Jobs taking a $100,000 debt, equivalent to the value of his house at that time.

In conclusion, I firmly believe that taking risks is the optimal pathway to enhance human abilities, while adhering to a comfortable lifestyle can impede progress. Encouragingly, I hope to witness a growing number of individuals willing to take calculated risks in their lives and careers, driven by the understanding that sometimes, having nothing left to lose can be a catalyst for meaningful advancements.