Task 2: Parents, usually mothers, stay at home to look after their family. People believe they should receive a salary from the government. Do you agree or disagree?People have different views on whether the parents, usually mother must to earn an income from the authority when they quit a job to take care their family at home. From my own opinion, I do not support this idea and will demonstrate by this essay. From people who suggest this project, there are several reasons behind why they believe that. The first merit is look after their family, that is a vital obligation for everyone in society. Especially families with children or old people, they lack the ability to take care yourself, so an adult, father or mother has to stay at home, just in case some trouble can happened. Another reason is gender equality, in several developing countries, the parents usually staying at home is mother. Therefore, it can occur gender prejudice that the women are dependent on the man about the financial condition it could diminish the women’s position in society. While there are some supporting arguments, on the other hand, I believe this idea, which is not suitable and remain several concerns. Firstly, offering a salary for the family members is huge expense for the government. This is extremely costly for the taxes, furthermore, determining what the earnings is appropriate also very difficult, because every family have different conditions and demands. The second concern is labor shortage. If the adults can earn a salary when they look after their family at home, there will be many people, who readily renounce their own employment, even not getting a job just to staying at home, where they could easily receive an income without effort and hard-working. In conclusion, despite some positive aspect when the government pays a salary for parents who work at home to protect their family, from my own perspective, I believe this will generate several negative consequences for society.

Task 2: Parents, usually mothers, stay at home to look after their family. People believe they should receive a salary from the government. Do you agree or disagree?People have different views on whether the parents, usually mother must to earn an income from the authority when they quit a job to take care their family at home. From my own opinion, I do not support this idea and will demonstrate by this essay.
From people who suggest this project, there are several reasons behind why they believe that. The first merit is look after their family, that is a vital obligation for everyone in society. Especially families with children or old people, they lack the ability to take care yourself, so an adult, father or mother has to stay at home, just in case some trouble can happened. Another reason is gender equality, in several developing countries, the parents usually staying at home is mother. Therefore, it can occur gender prejudice that the women are dependent on the man about the financial condition it could diminish the women’s position in society.
While there are some supporting arguments, on the other hand, I believe this idea, which is not suitable and remain several concerns. Firstly, offering a salary for the family members is huge expense for the government. This is extremely costly for the taxes, furthermore, determining what the earnings is appropriate also very difficult, because every family have different conditions and demands. The second concern is labor shortage. If the adults can earn a salary when they look after their family at home, there will be many people, who readily renounce their own employment, even not getting a job just to staying at home, where they could easily receive an income without effort and hard-working.
In conclusion, despite some positive aspect when the government pays a salary for parents who work at home to protect their family, from my own perspective, I believe this will generate several negative consequences for society.

People have different views on whether the parents, usually mother must to earn an income from the authority when they quit a job to take care their family at home. From my own opinion, I do not support this idea and will demonstrate by this essay.
From people who suggest this project, there are several reasons behind why they believe that. The first merit is look after their family, that is a vital obligation for everyone in society. Especially families with children or old people, they lack the ability to take care yourself, so an adult, father or mother has to stay at home, just in case some trouble can happened. Another reason is gender equality, in several developing countries, the parents usually staying at home is mother. Therefore, it can occur gender prejudice that the women are dependent on the man about the financial condition it could diminish the women’s position in society.
While there are some supporting arguments, on the other hand, I believe this idea, which is not suitable and remain several concerns. Firstly, offering a salary for the family members is huge expense for the government. This is extremely costly for the taxes, furthermore, determining what the earnings is appropriate also very difficult, because every family have different conditions and demands. The second concern is labor shortage. If the adults can earn a salary when they look after their family at home, there will be many people, who readily renounce their own employment, even not getting a job just to staying at home, where they could easily receive an income without effort and hard-working.
In conclusion, despite some positive aspect when the government pays a salary for parents who work at home to protect their family, from my own perspective, I believe this will generate several negative consequences for society.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "people" -> "individuals"
   Explanation: Replacing "people" with "individuals" elevates the formality of the language, which is more suitable for academic writing.

2. "must to earn" -> "must earn"
   Explanation: Removing "to" after "must" corrects the grammatical error and streamlines the sentence structure.

3. "from the authority" -> "by the government"
   Explanation: "From the authority" is unclear and awkward; "by the government" clarifies who is providing the income.

4. "take care their family" -> "care for their family"
   Explanation: "Take care their family" lacks the preposition "of" and should be replaced with "care for their family" for grammatical correctness.

5. "my own opinion" -> "my perspective"
   Explanation: "My own opinion" is redundant; "my perspective" is a more concise and formal alternative.

6. "demonstrate by this essay" -> "demonstrate in this essay"
   Explanation: "Demonstrate by this essay" is awkward; "demonstrate in this essay" is a clearer and more grammatically correct phrase.

7. "From people who suggest this project" -> "Supporters of this proposal"
   Explanation: "From people who suggest this project" is ambiguous; "supporters of this proposal" clarifies the subject and sounds more formal.

8. "merit is look after their family" -> "advantage is caring for their family"
   Explanation: "Merit is look after their family" is grammatically incorrect; "advantage is caring for their family" is a clearer and more precise expression.

9. "take care yourself" -> "take care of themselves"
   Explanation: "Take care yourself" lacks the preposition "of" and should be replaced with "take care of themselves" for grammatical correctness.

10. "some trouble can happened" -> "issues can arise"
    Explanation: "Some trouble can happened" is grammatically incorrect; "issues can arise" is a more formal and appropriate phrase.

11. "gender equality" -> "gender equity"
    Explanation: "Gender equality" is a common phrase, but "gender equity" is more precise and formal in academic writing.

12. "staying at home is mother" -> "mothers staying at home"
    Explanation: "Staying at home is mother" is grammatically incorrect; "mothers staying at home" is a more accurate and formal phrasing.

13. "so an adult, father or mother" -> "so either parent"
    Explanation: "An adult, father or mother" is redundant and awkward; "either parent" is a more concise and gender-neutral alternative.

14. "just in case some trouble can happened" -> "in case any issues arise"
    Explanation: "Just in case some trouble can happened" is awkward; "in case any issues arise" is a clearer and more formal expression.

15. "it can occur gender prejudice" -> "it can lead to gender bias"
    Explanation: "It can occur gender prejudice" is awkward; "it can lead to gender bias" is a clearer and more formal phrasing.

16. "dependent on the man" -> "reliant on men"
    Explanation: "Dependent on the man" is less formal; "reliant on men" is a more concise and academically appropriate phrase.

17. "it could diminish the women’s position in society" -> "which could undermine women’s societal status"
    Explanation: "It could diminish the women’s position in society" is somewhat informal; "which could undermine women’s societal status" is more formal and precise.

18. "supporting arguments" -> "arguments in support"
    Explanation: "Supporting arguments" is slightly informal; "arguments in support" is a more formal and concise alternative.

19. "this idea, which is not suitable" -> "this concept, which is unsuitable"
    Explanation: "This idea, which is not suitable" is somewhat informal; "this concept, which is unsuitable" is a more formal and precise expression.

20. "remain several concerns" -> "raise several concerns"
    Explanation: "Remain several concerns" is awkward; "raise several concerns" is a clearer and more precise phrasing.

21. "offering a salary for the family members is huge expense" -> "providing salaries for family members incurs significant expenses"
    Explanation: "Offering a salary for the family members is huge expense" lacks clarity and precision; "providing salaries for family members incurs significant expenses" is clearer and more formal.

22. "This is extremely costly for the taxes" -> "This imposes a significant tax burden"
    Explanation: "Extremely costly for the taxes" is unclear; "This imposes a significant tax burden" clarifies the impact of the expense.

23. "determining what the earnings is appropriate" -> "determining appropriate compensation"
    Explanation: "Determining what the earnings is appropriate" is awkward; "determining appropriate compensation" is more concise and clear.

24. "every family have different conditions" -> "every family has different circumstances"
    Explanation: "Every family have different conditions" contains subject-verb agreement error; "every family has different circumstances" is grammatically correct and more formal.

25. "renounce their own employment" -> "relinquish their employment"
    Explanation: "Renounce their own employment" is less formal; "relinquish their employment" is a more formal and appropriate phrase.

26. "even not getting a job just to staying at home" -> "even opting not to seek employment to stay at home"
    Explanation: "Even not getting a job just to staying at home" is awkward; "even opting not to seek employment to stay at home" is clearer and more formal.

27. "where they could easily receive an income without effort and hard-working" -> "where they could easily earn income without exertion"
    Explanation: "Receive an income without effort and hard-working" is informal; "earn income without exertion" is a more formal and precise expression.

28. "In conclusion, despite some positive aspect" -> "In conclusion, despite some positive aspects"
    Explanation: "Positive aspect" should be plural to match the plural noun "aspects" for grammatical correctness.

29. "parents who work at home to protect their family" -> "parents who work from home to care for their families"
    Explanation: "Parents who work at home to protect their family" lacks clarity; "parents who work from home to care for their families" is clearer and more precise.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both sides of the argument, acknowledging reasons why some people support the idea of paying parents, particularly mothers, for staying at home to care for their families, while also presenting the writer’s disagreement with this notion.
  • How to improve: While the essay presents both perspectives, it could enhance its depth by providing more detailed analysis and examples for each viewpoint. Additionally, a clearer statement of the writer’s stance in the introduction could strengthen the essay’s structure.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent position against the idea of paying parents for staying at home to care for their families. The writer expresses disagreement with the notion and reinforces this stance throughout the essay.
  • How to improve: To enhance clarity, the writer could reinforce their position by explicitly stating it in the introduction and ensuring that each paragraph reinforces this central stance.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas related to both sides of the argument, discussing reasons for and against paying parents for staying at home to care for their families. However, these ideas lack depth and comprehensive support.
  • How to improve: To improve, the essay should provide more detailed explanations and examples to support each point. Additionally, expanding on the potential consequences of implementing such a policy would enrich the argument.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic by addressing the question of whether parents, predominantly mothers, should receive a salary from the government for staying at home to care for their families. However, there are minor instances where the discussion could be more focused.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each paragraph directly relates to the topic and avoids tangential discussions or vague statements that detract from the main argument.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the prompt and presents a coherent argument against paying parents for staying at home, there is room for improvement in terms of depth of analysis, clarity of position, support for ideas, and maintaining focus on the topic. By addressing these areas, the essay could achieve a higher band score for task response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

• Organize Information Logically:
  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally logical organization of information, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs presenting opposing views, and a conclusion summarizing the author’s stance. However, there are some instances of unclear transitions between ideas, particularly between the introduction and the body paragraphs. For instance, the abrupt shift from introducing the topic to discussing reasons supporting the idea of paying parents a salary lacks smooth transition.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, ensure smoother transitions between introduction and body paragraphs by providing a clearer roadmap of the essay’s structure. Introduce each main point in the introduction to prepare the reader for the upcoming arguments and provide a smooth transition into the body paragraphs.
• Use Paragraphs:
  • Detailed explanation: The essay is divided into paragraphs, but their effectiveness varies. Each paragraph attempts to focus on a specific aspect of the argument, but the organization within paragraphs could be improved for better coherence. For instance, the second paragraph discusses reasons supporting the idea of paying parents a salary but could benefit from clearer topic sentences and supporting details to strengthen the argument.
  • How to improve: Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea and use supporting evidence or examples to strengthen the argument. Consider revising paragraph structure to ensure each paragraph addresses a single main point cohesively.
• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a limited range of cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases like "while" and "on the other hand." However, there is a lack of variety in cohesive devices, resulting in repetitive use of certain phrases, which diminishes the overall coherence. Additionally, some sentences lack clear connections to preceding or subsequent ideas, impacting the overall cohesion.
  • How to improve: Expand the use of cohesive devices beyond transitional phrases to include pronouns, conjunctions, and lexical cohesion. Use a variety of transition words and phrases to indicate logical relationships between ideas, such as cause and effect, comparison, and contrast. Ensure each sentence flows smoothly into the next to maintain coherence throughout the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is evidence of attempting to use varied vocabulary, such as "obligation," "gender equality," "prejudice," "diminish," "consequences," etc. However, there is a lack of consistency in effectively utilizing this range across the essay. For instance, some ideas are expressed with repetitive vocabulary ("concerns" repeated twice in the same sentence), and there are instances of awkward phrasing ("that is a vital obligation for everyone in society").
  • How to improve: To enhance lexical variety, aim for more precise and varied synonyms in expressing ideas. Avoid repetitive use of certain words or phrases, and ensure that each word chosen adds value to the expression of the idea. Additionally, strive for clearer and more concise phrasing to avoid awkward constructions.
• Use Vocabulary Precisely:
  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some imprecise vocabulary usage. While there are instances of precise vocabulary choices, such as "labor shortage" and "gender prejudice," there are also instances where vocabulary could be more precise. For example, the phrase "huge expense" could be more precisely replaced with "significant financial burden," and "positive aspect" could be replaced with "benefit" for more clarity.
  • How to improve: Focus on selecting the most accurate and fitting vocabulary for each context. Pay attention to nuances in meaning and choose words that precisely convey your intended message. Additionally, consider the context in which certain words are used to ensure they align with the overall tone and argument of the essay.
• Use Correct Spelling:
  • Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy in the essay is generally acceptable, with only a few minor errors observed, such as "occurred" misspelled as "occur," "consequences" spelled as "consequences," and "yourself" misspelled as "yourself."
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, it is recommended to review and proofread the essay carefully before submission. Pay close attention to commonly misspelled words and consider utilizing spelling check tools or seeking feedback from peers to catch any errors that may have been overlooked. Additionally, practice spelling words that are frequently misspelled to improve overall accuracy.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, it uses complex sentences like "While there are some supporting arguments, on the other hand, I believe this idea, which is not suitable and remain several concerns." This variety adds depth and clarity to the essay, enhancing its overall coherence and readability.
  • How to improve: To further enhance the essay’s quality, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures and varying the lengths of sentences. Introducing rhetorical devices such as parallelism or inversion could also enrich the expression and sophistication of ideas.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammar and punctuation. However, there are instances where errors occur, such as subject-verb agreement issues ("there are several reasons behind why they believe that"), incorrect verb forms ("so an adult, father or mother has to stay at home"), and punctuation errors ("from my own opinion, I do not support this idea and will demonstrate by this essay"). These errors slightly impede the clarity and precision of the writer’s message.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it’s advisable to review and practice subject-verb agreement rules, verb forms, and proper punctuation usage. Additionally, proofreading the essay thoroughly before submission can help identify and correct any remaining errors, ensuring a polished final draft.

Bài sửa mẫu

People have differing opinions regarding whether parents, typically mothers, should receive financial support from the government when they leave their jobs to care for their families at home. In my perspective, I do not advocate for this notion, and I will illustrate my stance in this essay.

Supporters of this proposal argue for several reasons. The primary advantage is the obligation to care for their families, which is essential for everyone in society. Particularly in families with children or elderly members, who may not be self-sufficient, a parent, be it the father or mother, must remain at home in case any issues arise. Another consideration is gender equity. In many developing nations, it is predominantly mothers who stay at home. Consequently, this could lead to gender bias, where women become reliant on men for financial support, potentially undermining women’s societal status.

However, despite these arguments in support, I believe this concept, which is unsuitable, raises several concerns. Firstly, providing salaries for family members incurs significant expenses for the government. This imposes a significant tax burden, and determining appropriate compensation becomes challenging due to the varying circumstances of every family. Secondly, there is the issue of labor shortage. If adults receive salaries for staying at home to care for their families, many may choose to relinquish their employment, or even opt not to seek employment at all, simply to stay at home where they could easily earn income without exertion.

In conclusion, despite some positive aspects, such as supporting parents who work from home to care for their families, from my perspective, I believe this initiative would lead to several negative consequences for society.