Task 2: Some people say that the increasing use of smartphones and other devices has led to rise in technology addiction. They argue that this is a serious problem that needs to be addressed. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?

Task 2: Some people say that the increasing use of smartphones and other devices has led to rise in technology addiction. They argue that this is a serious problem that needs to be addressed.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?

This statement points out that technological revolution leads to significantly increased users' devices, which causes several issues . Personally, I agree with this point of view.
On the one hand, with modern tech devices, people can keep in touch with relatives easily. To clarify, by using tech devices, international students can communicate with their parents at their hometown anytime. For example, instead of sending letter like in the past, right now parents can make a phone call to their children who are studying abroad.
On the other hand, there are several drawbacks which negatively affect people's physical health. To make it clear, addiction on tech devices for surfing social media or playing video games can put people live under a sedentary lifestyle, which is the main cause of obesity, eye issues and diabetes.
Additionally, people face loss of personal information because of being invaded by cybercrime. To be more specific, with less security in both bank and social media accounts’ password, it provides chances for cybercriminals to steal essential personal information and threaten their private life. Since he did not create two layers of biometric authentication, cybercriminals hacked into his bank account and stole all his money, which made him suffer from anxiety.
In conclusion, although technology appliances/devices bring the convenience for people to keep in touch with relatives, my firm conviction is that being addicted to these things can cause loss of personal information and negatively affects people’s physical health.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "technological revolution leads to significantly increased users’ devices" -> "the technological revolution leads to a significant increase in the number of device users"
   Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and grammatically incorrect. The suggested revision clarifies the meaning and adheres to formal academic style by using a more precise and grammatically correct structure.

2. "which causes several issues" -> "which gives rise to several issues"
   Explanation: "Gives rise to" is a more formal and precise expression than "causes," enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.

3. "Personally, I agree with this point of view." -> "I concur with this perspective."
   Explanation: "Concur" is a more formal synonym for "agree," and "perspective" is a more academic term than "point of view," aligning better with the formal style of academic writing.

4. "keep in touch with relatives easily" -> "maintain contact with relatives with ease"
   Explanation: "Maintain contact with" is a more formal expression than "keep in touch with," and "with ease" is a more precise adverbial phrase than "easily," enhancing the formality and clarity of the sentence.

5. "To clarify, by using tech devices" -> "To illustrate, through the use of technological devices"
   Explanation: "To illustrate" is more appropriate in academic writing than "To clarify," which is typically used for explaining something that is already known. "Through the use of" is also more formal than "by using," and "technological devices" is a more precise term than "tech devices."

6. "right now" -> "currently"
   Explanation: "Currently" is a more formal adverb than "right now," which is too colloquial for academic writing.

7. "put people live under a sedentary lifestyle" -> "place individuals in a sedentary lifestyle"
   Explanation: "Place individuals" is grammatically correct and more formal than "put people live," which is incorrect and informal.

8. "which is the main cause of obesity, eye issues and diabetes" -> "which is primarily responsible for obesity, eye problems, and diabetes"
   Explanation: "Primarily responsible for" is a more precise and formal way to express causality, and "eye problems" is a more formal term than "eye issues."

9. "people face loss of personal information" -> "individuals risk losing personal information"
   Explanation: "Risk losing" is a more accurate and formal way to express potential loss, and "individuals" is preferred over "people" in formal academic writing.

10. "with less security in both bank and social media accounts’ password" -> "with inadequate security in both bank and social media account passwords"
    Explanation: "Inadequate security" is a more precise term than "less security," and "account passwords" is grammatically correct and more formal than "accounts’ password."

11. "Since he did not create two layers of biometric authentication" -> "Since he failed to implement two layers of biometric authentication"
    Explanation: "Failed to implement" is a more precise and formal way to describe the lack of action, and "biometric authentication" is a more technical and appropriate term than "biometric authentication" in this context.

12. "which made him suffer from anxiety" -> "which led to his experiencing anxiety"
    Explanation: "Led to his experiencing" is a more formal and precise way to describe the causal relationship, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by acknowledging both the positive and negative aspects of technology use. However, it does not fully explore the extent to which the author agrees or disagrees with the view presented in the prompt. The statement "Personally, I agree with this point of view" is vague and does not clarify whether the author believes technology addiction is a serious problem or not. The arguments presented are somewhat relevant but lack depth in addressing the complexities of the issue.
  • How to improve: To improve, the author should explicitly state their position regarding the extent of agreement or disagreement with the view of technology addiction being a serious problem. This could be done by clearly outlining the reasons for their stance, such as discussing the implications of technology addiction in more detail and providing a more balanced view of both sides.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: While the author states a personal agreement with the view of technology addiction, the essay lacks a consistent and clear position throughout. The introduction suggests agreement, but the body paragraphs present both positive and negative aspects without a strong emphasis on the author’s stance. This inconsistency can confuse the reader about the author’s true position.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the author should consistently refer back to their initial statement of agreement or disagreement throughout the essay. This can be achieved by using phrases such as "This supports my view that…" or "Despite the benefits, I believe that…" to reinforce their position in each paragraph.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas regarding the benefits and drawbacks of technology use, but these ideas are not well-developed or supported with sufficient evidence. For example, while the author mentions the negative impacts of addiction on physical health, they do not provide specific data or studies to back up these claims. Additionally, the examples given, such as the anecdote about cybercrime, lack depth and fail to connect back to the main argument effectively.
  • How to improve: To enhance the presentation and support of ideas, the author should include more detailed examples and evidence to substantiate their claims. This could involve referencing studies on technology addiction, statistics on health impacts, or more comprehensive personal anecdotes that illustrate the issues discussed.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing technology addiction and its implications. However, there are moments where the focus wavers, particularly when discussing the benefits of technology without clearly linking them back to the main argument about addiction. For instance, the discussion about communication with relatives, while relevant, does not directly address the problem of addiction.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that every point made directly relates to the central argument about technology addiction. They could use topic sentences that clearly connect back to the thesis and avoid introducing ideas that do not contribute to the discussion of addiction.

Overall, the essay needs to be expanded to meet the word count requirement, and the author should work on clarifying their position, developing their ideas with supporting evidence, and ensuring that all points remain relevant to the topic of technology addiction.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument in favor of the view that technology addiction is a serious problem. The introduction effectively states the writer’s position, and the body paragraphs are generally organized around distinct points: the benefits of technology and the drawbacks. However, the transition between these points could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing the benefits of technology to its drawbacks feels abrupt and could benefit from a clearer linking sentence that guides the reader through the argument.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect ideas between paragraphs. For example, after discussing the benefits, a sentence like "However, despite these advantages, there are significant downsides that warrant attention" would help to signal the shift in focus and maintain coherence.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas, which is a strength. The first paragraph introduces the topic and the writer’s stance, while the subsequent paragraphs address specific points. However, the second body paragraph could be better structured. It introduces multiple issues (sedentary lifestyle, cybercrime) without clearly delineating them, which can confuse the reader.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, consider dedicating a separate paragraph to each major point. For instance, one paragraph could focus solely on the health impacts of technology addiction, while another could address the risks of cybercrime. This would allow for a more in-depth exploration of each issue and enhance clarity.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some use of cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "To clarify," which help to structure the argument. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and the essay could benefit from more varied connectors and linking phrases to enhance the flow of ideas. For example, phrases like "Furthermore," "In addition," or "Conversely" could be used to introduce new points or counterarguments more effectively.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, practice incorporating a wider variety of linking words and phrases. Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device is used appropriately to enhance clarity. For instance, when introducing examples, phrases like "For instance" or "For example" can be followed by a more explicit connection to the argument being made, reinforcing the relevance of the example to the overall point.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary related to the topic of technology and its impacts. Terms such as "technological revolution," "addiction," "sedentary lifestyle," and "cybercrime" show an attempt to engage with the subject matter. However, the vocabulary usage is somewhat repetitive, particularly with phrases like "tech devices" and "people." This limits the lexical variety and sophistication expected at a higher band score.
  • How to improve: To enhance lexical range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and more varied expressions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "tech devices," alternatives like "digital devices," "smart technologies," or "electronic gadgets" could be employed. Additionally, using phrases like "technological advancements" or "digital communication tools" would diversify the vocabulary.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "addiction on tech devices" is incorrect; the preposition should be "to" instead of "on." Furthermore, the expression "put people live under a sedentary lifestyle" is awkward and unclear. The intended meaning is obscured, which detracts from the overall clarity of the argument.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using the correct prepositions and constructing clearer phrases. For example, "addiction to tech devices" and "subject people to a sedentary lifestyle" would be more accurate. Additionally, reviewing common collocations and phrases related to technology and addiction could help in selecting the right words.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay shows a reasonable level of spelling accuracy, with only a few minor errors. For instance, "significantly increased users’ devices" could be clearer as "significantly increased the number of users of devices." The phrase "make a phone call to their children who are studying abroad" is correct, but the overall clarity could be improved with better word choice.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular practice, such as writing exercises and using spelling check tools. Additionally, reading more academic texts can help familiarize the writer with correct spelling and usage in context. Keeping a personal vocabulary list of commonly misspelled words can also be beneficial.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the topic and employs relevant vocabulary, there is room for improvement in terms of variety, precision, and spelling accuracy. By expanding vocabulary, ensuring precise usage, and practicing spelling, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of “On the one hand” and “On the other hand” effectively introduces contrasting points. However, the overall range is somewhat limited, with many sentences following a similar structure (e.g., subject-verb-object). For example, the sentence "To clarify, by using tech devices, international students can communicate with their parents at their hometown anytime" is a straightforward structure that lacks complexity.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences and varied introductory phrases. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "To clarify," they could use phrases like "This illustrates that…" or "This highlights the fact that…" Additionally, using subordinate clauses (e.g., "Although technology provides convenience, it also poses risks…") would add depth to the writing.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from clarity. For instance, the phrase "technological revolution leads to significantly increased users’ devices" is awkward and should be revised for grammatical accuracy. The use of "addiction on tech devices" is incorrect; the preposition should be "to." Additionally, there are punctuation errors, such as the unnecessary space before the period in "issues ."
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should review common preposition usage and ensure that noun phrases are correctly formed (e.g., "the technological revolution has led to a significant increase in the use of devices"). Furthermore, proofreading for punctuation errors, such as ensuring there are no spaces before punctuation marks and using commas appropriately to separate clauses, will enhance clarity. Engaging in targeted grammar exercises, particularly focusing on prepositions and sentence structure, can also be beneficial.

Overall, while the essay presents a clear argument and relevant examples, improving the range of sentence structures and addressing grammatical and punctuation errors will help elevate the score in the Grammatical Range and Accuracy criteria.

Bài sửa mẫu

This statement highlights that the technological revolution has led to a significant increase in the number of device users, which gives rise to several issues. Personally, I concur with this perspective.

On the one hand, modern technological devices enable people to maintain contact with relatives with ease. To illustrate, through the use of these devices, international students can communicate with their parents in their hometown at any time. For example, instead of sending letters as in the past, currently, parents can make phone calls to their children who are studying abroad.

On the other hand, there are several drawbacks that negatively affect people’s physical health. To clarify, addiction to technological devices for surfing social media or playing video games can place individuals in a sedentary lifestyle, which is primarily responsible for obesity, eye problems, and diabetes.

Additionally, individuals risk losing personal information due to the threat of cybercrime. To be more specific, with inadequate security in both bank and social media account passwords, there are increased opportunities for cybercriminals to steal essential personal information and threaten individuals’ privacy. Since he failed to implement two layers of biometric authentication, cybercriminals hacked into his bank account and stole all his money, which led to his experiencing anxiety.

In conclusion, although technological devices provide convenience for people to keep in touch with relatives, my firm conviction is that addiction to these devices can result in the loss of personal information and negatively affect people’s physical health.