Task 2: Some people think that the main benefit of international cooperation is in the protection of the environment, while others believe that the main interest is in world business. Discuss both views and give your opinion. (Agree or Disagree)
Task 2: Some people think that the main benefit of international cooperation is in the protection of the environment, while others believe that the main interest is in world business. Discuss both views and give your opinion. (Agree or Disagree)
In today's society, the revolution of industrial technology brings the crucial needs of globalization. There are some claims that the protection of the natural habitat is the main field gain advantages, while others argue that the world economic is supposed to be the main one. From my point of view, i believe that both opinions have their own validity and this essay might shed light on the reasons behind.
On the one hand, international cooperation plays a vital role in giving benefits for the environment. First of all, preservation in an international-scale is the most effective way. Because the collaboration of governments all over the world can have enough resource to organised the international campaigns such as The Earth Hour, in order to raise citizens awareness about the important of preventing pollution from our planet. Moreover, global environment organisations is established apart with globalization can unify regulations and laws about protecting natural habitats for floral and fauna, as well as restricting the fossil fuels exploitation. As a result, national environment can be effectively managed by authorities.
On the other hand, world business can be profited a lot from cooperation. Firstly, the foreign trade has a dramatic growth rate due to the globalization. Due to the opened policies of many countries, exporting and importing market has becoming more and more active than ever, which promising a switch in the development of global economic. Secondly, many developing countries can seek for finance and other resources help from the developed ones. Each continent is set up its business cluster for improve other weaker nations. By doing so, none of nations are left behind, and a concrete world business is built up.
In conclusion, although both views certainly have some strengths, it seems to me that world business is the main benefited fields due to their potential.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"the revolution of industrial technology" -> "the technological revolution"
Explanation: The phrase "the revolution of industrial technology" is redundant. "The technological revolution" is more concise and academically appropriate. -
"brings the crucial needs of globalization" -> "necessitates the imperative of globalization"
Explanation: "Brings the crucial needs" is awkward and unclear. "Necessitates the imperative" is more precise and formal, better fitting the academic style. -
"the main field gain advantages" -> "the primary area of advantage"
Explanation: "The main field gain advantages" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. "The primary area of advantage" corrects the grammar and clarifies the meaning. -
"the world economic" -> "the global economy"
Explanation: "The world economic" is grammatically incorrect. "The global economy" is the correct term and is more formal. -
"i believe" -> "I believe"
Explanation: "i" should be capitalized as "I" to maintain proper grammatical structure and formality. -
"plays a vital role in giving benefits for the environment" -> "plays a crucial role in benefiting the environment"
Explanation: "Giving benefits for the environment" is awkward and verbose. "Benefiting the environment" is more direct and formal. -
"preservation in an international-scale" -> "international-scale preservation"
Explanation: "Preservation in an international-scale" is awkwardly phrased. "International-scale preservation" is more natural and clear. -
"have enough resource to organised" -> "have sufficient resources to organize"
Explanation: "Have enough resource to organised" is grammatically incorrect and informal. "Have sufficient resources to organize" corrects these issues and uses the correct verb form. -
"The Earth Hour" -> "Earth Hour"
Explanation: "The" is unnecessary before "Earth Hour," which is a proper noun. -
"global environment organisations is established apart with globalization" -> "global environmental organizations are established alongside globalization"
Explanation: "Global environment organisations is established apart with globalization" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Global environmental organizations are established alongside globalization" corrects these issues and improves clarity. -
"can unify regulations and laws about protecting natural habitats for floral and fauna" -> "can unify regulations and laws to protect natural habitats for flora and fauna"
Explanation: "About protecting" is awkward and verbose. "To protect" is more direct and appropriate for formal writing. -
"profited a lot from cooperation" -> "derive significant benefits from cooperation"
Explanation: "Profited a lot from cooperation" is informal and vague. "Derive significant benefits from cooperation" is more precise and formal. -
"the foreign trade has a dramatic growth rate" -> "foreign trade has experienced significant growth"
Explanation: "Has a dramatic growth rate" is informal and imprecise. "Has experienced significant growth" is more formal and accurate. -
"exporting and importing market has becoming more and more active" -> "export and import markets have become increasingly active"
Explanation: "Has becoming more and more active" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Have become increasingly active" corrects these issues and is more formal. -
"promising a switch in the development of global economic" -> "promising a shift in global economic development"
Explanation: "A switch in the development of global economic" is awkward and grammatically incorrect. "A shift in global economic development" corrects these issues and is more formal. -
"seek for finance and other resources help from the developed ones" -> "seek financial and other resource assistance from developed nations"
Explanation: "Seek for finance and other resources help" is grammatically incorrect and informal. "Seek financial and other resource assistance from developed nations" corrects these issues and is more formal. -
"Each continent is set up its business cluster for improve other weaker nations" -> "Each continent establishes its business clusters to support weaker nations"
Explanation: "Is set up its business cluster for improve other weaker nations" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Establishes its business clusters to support weaker nations" corrects these issues and is more formal. -
"none of nations are left behind" -> "no nation is left behind"
Explanation: "None of nations are left behind" is grammatically incorrect. "No nation is left behind" corrects this and is more concise. -
"a concrete world business is built up" -> "a cohesive global business is established"
Explanation: "A concrete world business is built up" is awkward and unclear. "A cohesive global business is established" is more precise and formal.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both sides of the argument regarding international cooperation’s benefits for environmental protection and world business. The first body paragraph discusses environmental benefits, citing examples like international campaigns and regulations. The second body paragraph focuses on the economic advantages, mentioning foreign trade and financial assistance for developing countries. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit discussion of the prompt’s requirement to give a personal opinion, which is somewhat vague in the conclusion.
- How to improve: To enhance the response to all parts of the question, the writer should clearly state their opinion earlier in the essay and ensure that it is consistently referenced throughout. Adding a specific sentence in the introduction that outlines the writer’s stance would clarify their position and help guide the reader.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that acknowledges both views but lacks a strong, clear stance. The phrase "both opinions have their own validity" suggests neutrality rather than a definitive opinion. The conclusion states that world business is the main benefited field, but this assertion feels weak due to the lack of a strong argument supporting it throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To present a clearer position, the writer should choose a side more decisively and support that choice with strong arguments and examples throughout the essay. Additionally, reiterating the chosen position in each paragraph can help reinforce the writer’s stance.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents relevant ideas, such as the role of international campaigns in environmental protection and the benefits of foreign trade. However, some ideas are not fully developed. For instance, while the essay mentions "The Earth Hour," it does not elaborate on its significance or impact. Similarly, the discussion on world business could benefit from more specific examples or data to substantiate claims.
- How to improve: To improve the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on key points with specific examples, statistics, or case studies. This would not only strengthen the arguments but also demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing international cooperation in relation to environmental protection and world business. However, there are moments where the focus could be sharper, particularly in the transition between ideas. For example, the phrase "none of nations are left behind" is somewhat vague and could distract from the main argument.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each point directly relates back to the prompt. Using clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph can help guide the reader and keep the discussion relevant. Additionally, avoiding vague phrases and ensuring that all statements are directly tied to the main argument will enhance coherence.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments. By clarifying the position, developing ideas further, and maintaining focus, the writer can enhance the overall effectiveness of their response.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, two body paragraphs discussing different viewpoints, and a conclusion. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the topic, which helps maintain a logical flow. However, the transition between the two viewpoints could be smoother. For instance, the phrase "On the one hand" effectively introduces the first argument, but the transition to the second viewpoint could benefit from a clearer contrasting phrase, such as "Conversely" or "In contrast."
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using more explicit transitional phrases to indicate shifts between ideas. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea, which will help guide the reader through the argumentation.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph dedicated to a distinct viewpoint. The first body paragraph discusses environmental benefits, while the second focuses on business advantages. However, the paragraphs could be more balanced in terms of depth and detail. The first paragraph is somewhat longer and more developed than the second, which may lead to an imbalance in the presentation of ideas.
- How to improve: Aim for a more equal distribution of content across paragraphs. This can be achieved by expanding on the points made in the second paragraph, perhaps by providing specific examples of how international cooperation has benefited world business, similar to how the first paragraph discusses environmental initiatives. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph contains a concluding sentence that summarizes the main point and links back to the overall thesis.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "first of all," "moreover," and "on the other hand," which help to connect ideas within and between paragraphs. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be clearer. For example, the phrase "as a result" is used, but it could be more effectively linked to the preceding sentence to clarify the cause-and-effect relationship.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "in addition," "however," and "therefore." This will enhance the flow of ideas and make the relationships between them clearer. Additionally, consider using pronouns or synonyms to avoid repetition and improve cohesion, such as replacing "world business" with "the global economy" in subsequent mentions.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a good understanding of coherence and cohesion principles, achieving a Band 7 score. By focusing on improving transitions, balancing paragraph content, and diversifying cohesive devices, the writer can enhance the overall clarity and effectiveness of their argumentation.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to use a variety of vocabulary related to the topic of international cooperation and its benefits. Phrases such as "protection of the natural habitat," "globalization," and "foreign trade" show some range. However, the vocabulary is often repetitive and lacks sophistication. For example, the term "world business" is used multiple times without variation, which limits the lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should explore synonyms and related terms. Instead of repeatedly using "world business," alternatives like "global commerce," "international trade," or "economic cooperation" could be employed. Additionally, incorporating more advanced vocabulary and expressions related to the topic will enrich the essay.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that detract from the clarity of the argument. For example, the phrase "the main field gain advantages" is awkward and unclear. Similarly, "the world economic" should be "the world economy," reflecting a lack of precision in word choice. The phrase "national environment" is also vague and could be better articulated.
- How to improve: The writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys their intended meaning. Reviewing and practicing common collocations and phrases related to economics and environmental issues can help. For instance, instead of "the main field gain advantages," a clearer expression could be "the primary area of benefit."
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "i" instead of "I," "organised" (which is correct in British English but should be consistent), "the important of preventing pollution" (should be "the importance"), and "profited a lot" (better phrased as "can benefit significantly"). These errors can distract the reader and undermine the overall professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, ideally after a short break to gain a fresh perspective. Utilizing spell-check tools and practicing spelling common academic vocabulary can also be beneficial. Keeping a list of frequently misspelled words and reviewing them regularly will help reinforce correct spelling.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable attempt at using vocabulary relevant to the topic, there is significant room for improvement in terms of range, precision, and spelling accuracy. Focusing on these areas will help elevate the lexical resource score in future essays.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the phrase "the collaboration of governments all over the world can have enough resource to organised the international campaigns" shows an attempt at complexity. However, many sentences are either overly simplistic or awkwardly constructed, such as "the world economic is supposed to be the main one," which lacks clarity and grammatical accuracy. Additionally, the use of phrases like "the most effective way" lacks depth and could be elaborated upon for better impact.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should practice incorporating more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses and varied conjunctions. For example, instead of saying "the foreign trade has a dramatic growth rate due to the globalization," the writer could say, "As globalization continues to expand, foreign trade has experienced a dramatic growth rate, which significantly impacts economies worldwide." This not only adds variety but also improves clarity and engagement.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall clarity. For example, "the main field gain advantages" is grammatically incorrect and should be rephrased to "the main area that gains advantages." Additionally, the phrase "i believe" should be capitalized to "I believe." There are also issues with subject-verb agreement, as seen in "global environment organisations is established," which should be "global environmental organizations are established." Punctuation is generally adequate, but there are some missing commas that could improve readability, such as before "which promising a switch in the development of global economic."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should review basic grammar rules, particularly focusing on subject-verb agreement and proper noun capitalization. Regular practice with grammar exercises can help reinforce these concepts. Furthermore, proofreading the essay for punctuation errors and sentence clarity before submission can significantly enhance the overall quality. Utilizing tools like grammar checkers or seeking feedback from peers can also provide additional insights for improvement.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the topic and attempts to present both sides of the argument, there are notable weaknesses in grammatical range and accuracy. By diversifying sentence structures and focusing on grammatical correctness, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in future essays.
Bài sửa mẫu
In today’s society, the technological revolution brings the crucial needs of globalization. There are some claims that the protection of the natural habitat is the primary area of advantage, while others argue that the global economy is supposed to be the main one. From my point of view, I believe that both opinions have their own validity, and this essay will shed light on the reasons behind them.
On the one hand, international cooperation plays a vital role in benefiting the environment. First of all, preservation on an international scale is the most effective way. The collaboration of governments all over the world can provide sufficient resources to organize international campaigns such as Earth Hour, in order to raise citizens’ awareness about the importance of preventing pollution on our planet. Moreover, global environmental organizations established alongside globalization can unify regulations and laws to protect natural habitats for flora and fauna, as well as restrict the exploitation of fossil fuels. As a result, national environments can be effectively managed by authorities.
On the other hand, world business can derive significant benefits from cooperation. Firstly, foreign trade has experienced significant growth due to globalization. Because of the open policies of many countries, export and import markets have become increasingly active, promising a shift in global economic development. Secondly, many developing countries can seek financial and other resource assistance from developed nations. Each continent establishes its business clusters to support weaker nations. By doing so, no nation is left behind, and a cohesive global business is established.
In conclusion, although both views certainly have some strengths, it seems to me that world business is the main area of benefit due to its potential.