TASK 2: When talking about success, we often think of people who are rich or famous. In your opinion, what are the qualities that characterise a successful person? Why do you think these should be the criteria? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. TASK 2: Many countries have the same shops and products. Some consider it a positive development, whereas others consider it negative. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
TASK 2: When talking about success, we often think of people who are rich or famous.
In your opinion, what are the qualities that characterise a successful person? Why do you think these should be the criteria?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
TASK 2: Many countries have the same shops and products. Some consider it a positive development, whereas others consider it negative. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
The definition of success has long been associated with wealth and fame, as these stereotypes have been unconsciously accepted for ages. From my perspective, these two should not be seen as the most absolute criteria of success, as there are other valuable ones worth mentioning.
First and foremost, the essential categories for defining success should be carefully considered and simplified. Firstly, having a happy family is a universal dream and the most important criterion for a successful life, yet it is often overlooked. Conversely, being extremely wealthy without a family to care for renders wealth meaningless. Second, good morality should also be highlighted, as individuals often find it challenging to sustain their wealth and fame without a virtuous character. For example, a member of the renowned South Korean boy band BIGBANG has been recently arrested for involvement in sex trade and operating sex chatrooms among celebrities. This scandal significantly tarnished his career and fame overnight.
These principles apply reciprocately since the wealth and popularity of an individual is ostensible, as they are human and flawed. What they present to the world could be partly reflective of their entire selves, as their current business, relationships, and mental state could silently lead to their downfall. Additionally, regardless of their relentless efforts, a considerable number of millionaires, billionaires, and celebrities all around the world may struggle to find and experience true happiness. For instance, despite a huge amount of money and admiration earned from the entertainment industry, some South Korean famous idols, such as Kim Jonghyun of SHINee, Sulli of F(x), and Goo Hara of KARA, tragically took their own lives after battling depression for extended periods.
In conclusion, I firmly believe that the definition of success should never be limited to wealth and fame. Instead, it should be defined and focused on by considering other crucial criteria, such as a fulfilling family life and good moral character.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"long been associated with wealth and fame" -> "have traditionally been associated with wealth and fame"
Explanation: Using "have traditionally been associated" instead of "long been associated" provides a more precise temporal reference, enhancing the academic tone by specifying the duration of the association. -
"these stereotypes have been unconsciously accepted for ages" -> "these stereotypes have been tacitly accepted for a long time"
Explanation: Replacing "unconsciously accepted for ages" with "tacitly accepted for a long time" refines the expression by using more formal vocabulary ("tacitly" instead of "unconsciously") and avoids the colloquialism "for ages." -
"the most absolute criteria" -> "the primary criteria"
Explanation: Replacing "the most absolute criteria" with "the primary criteria" simplifies and clarifies the language, making it more suitable for academic writing by avoiding the absolute and somewhat vague term "absolute." -
"carefully considered and simplified" -> "carefully evaluated and refined"
Explanation: Changing "carefully considered and simplified" to "carefully evaluated and refined" uses more precise academic terms that better convey the process of analysis and improvement. -
"a happy family is a universal dream" -> "a happy family is a universal aspiration"
Explanation: Replacing "dream" with "aspiration" provides a more formal and precise term that is commonly used in academic contexts to describe goals or desires. -
"being extremely wealthy without a family to care for renders wealth meaningless" -> "being extremely wealthy without a family to care for renders wealth devoid of significance"
Explanation: The phrase "renders wealth devoid of significance" is more formal and precise than "renders wealth meaningless," which is somewhat colloquial. -
"good morality should also be highlighted" -> "good morality should also be emphasized"
Explanation: "Emphasized" is a more formal synonym for "highlighted," aligning better with academic style. -
"individuals often find it challenging to sustain" -> "individuals frequently struggle to maintain"
Explanation: "Frequently struggle to maintain" is a more formal and precise way to express the difficulty in sustaining wealth and fame. -
"ostensible" -> "apparent"
Explanation: "Apparent" is a more commonly used and understood term in academic writing than "ostensible," which can be less familiar to some readers. -
"What they present to the world could be partly reflective of their entire selves" -> "What they present to the world may partially reflect their entire selves"
Explanation: Changing "could be partly reflective" to "may partially reflect" uses a more formal conditional structure and verb form, enhancing the academic tone. -
"silently lead to their downfall" -> "potentially contribute to their downfall"
Explanation: "Potentially contribute to their downfall" is a more precise and formal way to express the possibility of negative consequences, avoiding the metaphorical "silently lead." -
"a huge amount of money and admiration" -> "substantial wealth and admiration"
Explanation: "Substantial wealth" is a more formal and precise term than "a huge amount of money," which is somewhat colloquial. -
"despite a huge amount of money and admiration" -> "despite substantial wealth and admiration"
Explanation: Consistency in terminology is maintained by using "substantial wealth" instead of "a huge amount of money" to maintain a formal tone. -
"tragically took their own lives" -> "tragically ended their lives"
Explanation: "Ended their lives" is a more formal and less sensational way to describe suicide, aligning better with academic standards of sensitivity and formality.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing qualities that characterize a successful person, specifically emphasizing family happiness and good morality. The writer argues against the traditional view of success being solely tied to wealth and fame, which aligns well with the task. However, the essay does not explicitly address the second part of the prompt regarding why these should be the criteria for success. While the writer implies the importance of these qualities through examples, a more direct explanation would strengthen the response.
- How to improve: To comprehensively address all elements of the question, the writer should explicitly state why qualities like family happiness and morality are essential criteria for success. This could involve discussing the long-term benefits of these qualities compared to wealth and fame, such as personal fulfillment and societal impact.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that success should not be defined by wealth and fame alone. The writer consistently supports this view throughout the essay, using relevant examples to illustrate their points. The transition from discussing family happiness to morality is smooth, reinforcing the central argument. However, the introduction could be slightly clearer in stating the writer’s position upfront.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, the introduction could explicitly outline the writer’s stance on what constitutes success. Using a thesis statement that clearly delineates the qualities to be discussed would provide a stronger foundation for the argument.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents and extends ideas well, particularly through the use of relevant examples from popular culture, such as the cases of South Korean celebrities. These examples effectively support the argument that wealth and fame do not equate to true success. However, while the examples are compelling, the connection between the examples and the main argument could be more explicitly articulated.
- How to improve: To improve the support of ideas, the writer should ensure that each example is directly tied back to the main argument. This could involve briefly explaining how each example illustrates the failure of wealth and fame to provide true happiness or success, thereby strengthening the overall argument.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay stays on topic, focusing on the qualities that define success rather than deviating into unrelated areas. The writer consistently relates back to the prompt, discussing the implications of defining success through wealth and fame versus the proposed qualities. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more tightly focused, particularly in the elaboration of examples.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly contributes to the central argument about the definition of success. Avoiding tangential discussions and ensuring that each paragraph has a clear link to the main thesis will help maintain relevance throughout the essay.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a well-argued position. By addressing the suggestions for improvement, the writer can further enhance the clarity and depth of their response.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument against the conventional definitions of success, effectively organizing the information into a coherent structure. The introduction sets the stage by challenging the stereotypes associated with wealth and fame. The body paragraphs logically follow, with the first discussing the importance of family and the second emphasizing morality. Each point is well-developed with relevant examples, such as the scandals involving celebrities, which enhance the argument. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother, particularly when moving from the discussion of family to morality.
- How to improve: To enhance the logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect the ideas. For example, after discussing the importance of family, a phrase like "In addition to familial ties, another crucial aspect of success is…" could help bridge the two concepts more seamlessly.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The introduction is clear, and the body paragraphs are well-structured, each beginning with a topic sentence that outlines the main idea. However, the conclusion could be more distinct by summarizing the key points more explicitly rather than simply restating the thesis.
- How to improve: To strengthen the conclusion, consider briefly reiterating the main points discussed in the body paragraphs before concluding with a final thought. This will reinforce the argument and provide a more satisfying closure to the essay.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as "first and foremost," "conversely," and "additionally," which help to guide the reader through the argument. However, there is a tendency to rely on a limited range of cohesive devices, which can make the writing feel somewhat repetitive at times.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider variety of linking phrases and words. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "first" and "second," you could use alternatives like "to begin with," "on the other hand," or "furthermore." This will enhance the essay’s flow and keep the reader engaged.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a high level of coherence and cohesion, effectively communicating the argument with logical organization and clear paragraphing. By implementing the suggested improvements, the writer can further refine their writing and achieve an even higher level of clarity and sophistication.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, with terms like "unconsciously accepted," "essential categories," and "virtuous character" effectively conveying complex ideas. The use of specific examples, such as "renowned South Korean boy band BIGBANG," adds depth and context. However, there are instances where the vocabulary could be more varied; for example, the repeated use of "wealth" and "fame" could be substituted with synonyms or related terms to enhance lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To improve, consider incorporating synonyms or related phrases to avoid repetition. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "wealth," you might use "affluence," "prosperity," or "financial success." Additionally, exploring more abstract terms related to success, such as "achievement," "accomplishment," or "personal fulfillment," could enrich the essay’s vocabulary.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary accurately, with phrases like "tarnished his career" and "struggle to find and experience true happiness" effectively conveying the intended meanings. However, the phrase "the wealth and popularity of an individual is ostensible" could be misleading, as "ostensible" implies something that is apparent but not necessarily true. This could confuse readers about the author’s intent.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, ensure that the chosen vocabulary accurately reflects the intended meaning. In the example mentioned, consider replacing "ostensible" with "superficial" or "apparent" to clarify the idea that wealth and popularity may not reflect true success. Additionally, reviewing vocabulary choices for clarity and appropriateness can help avoid potential misunderstandings.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a high level of spelling accuracy, with no noticeable errors in the text. Words are spelled correctly, which contributes positively to the overall readability and professionalism of the essay.
- How to improve: While spelling is accurate, it is always beneficial to maintain this standard. To ensure continued accuracy, consider implementing a proofreading step in the writing process. Reading the essay aloud can help identify any overlooked errors, and using spell-check tools can provide an additional layer of assurance.
In summary, the essay achieves a Band Score of 7 for Lexical Resource due to its effective use of vocabulary, though there are opportunities for improvement in variety and precision. By expanding vocabulary range, ensuring precise word choice, and maintaining spelling accuracy, the essay can reach an even higher level of proficiency.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences. For instance, phrases like "the definition of success has long been associated with wealth and fame" and "these principles apply reciprocately since the wealth and popularity of an individual is ostensible" showcase the use of subordinate clauses and varied sentence beginnings. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the introductory and concluding sentences, which could benefit from more variation.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more introductory phrases and varying the length of sentences. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "First," try using phrases like "To begin with," or "Initially," and mix in shorter sentences for emphasis. Additionally, employing more passive constructions or conditional sentences could also diversify the writing style.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a high level of grammatical accuracy, with few errors. However, there are minor issues, such as the phrase "the wealth and popularity of an individual is ostensible," where "are" should be used instead of "is" to agree with the plural subject. Punctuation is mostly correct, but there are a few instances where commas could enhance clarity, such as before "as these stereotypes have been unconsciously accepted for ages" to separate the introductory clause from the main clause.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to subject-verb agreement and ensure that plural subjects are matched with plural verbs. Additionally, reviewing punctuation rules, particularly regarding the use of commas in complex sentences, can help clarify meaning and improve readability. Practicing with grammar exercises focused on common errors can also be beneficial.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.
Bài sửa mẫu
The definition of success has traditionally been associated with wealth and fame, as these stereotypes have been tacitly accepted for a long time. From my perspective, these should not be regarded as the primary criteria for success, as there are other valuable qualities worth mentioning.
First and foremost, the essential categories for defining success should be carefully evaluated and refined. Having a happy family is a universal aspiration and arguably the most important criterion for a successful life, yet it is often overlooked. Conversely, being extremely wealthy without a family to care for renders wealth devoid of significance. Additionally, good morality should also be emphasized, as individuals frequently struggle to maintain their wealth and fame without a virtuous character. For example, a member of the renowned South Korean boy band BIGBANG was recently arrested for involvement in sex trade and operating sex chatrooms among celebrities. This scandal tragically tarnished his career and fame overnight.
These principles apply reciprocally since the wealth and popularity of an individual are apparent, as they are human and flawed. What they present to the world may partially reflect their entire selves, as their current business, relationships, and mental state could potentially contribute to their downfall. Furthermore, despite substantial wealth and admiration, a considerable number of millionaires, billionaires, and celebrities around the world may struggle to find and experience true happiness. For instance, despite the immense money and admiration earned from the entertainment industry, some South Korean idols, such as Kim Jonghyun of SHINee, Sulli of F(x), and Goo Hara of KARA, tragically ended their lives after battling depression for extended periods.
In conclusion, I firmly believe that the definition of success should never be limited to wealth and fame. Instead, it should be defined and focused on by considering other crucial criteria, such as a fulfilling family life and good moral character.
