task

task

The proportion of old individual aged exceed 70 increase slightly in 2010, but then decreased significantly to 2015

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "old individual" -> "individuals aged 70 and older"
   Explanation: The term "old individual" is vague and informal. Using "individuals aged 70 and older" provides a clear and precise demographic specification, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.

2. "proportion of old individual" -> "proportion of individuals aged 70 and older"
   Explanation: The phrase "proportion of old individual" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. Replacing it with "proportion of individuals aged 70 and older" corrects the grammatical structure and clarifies the demographic reference.

3. "aged exceed 70" -> "aged 70 and older"
   Explanation: The phrase "aged exceed 70" is grammatically incorrect. "Aged 70 and older" is the correct and formal way to express the age range.

4. "increase slightly" -> "increased slightly"
   Explanation: The verb "increase" should be in the past tense "increased" to match the past tense of the verb "decreased" in the following clause, ensuring consistency in verb tense.

5. "then decreased significantly to 2015" -> "then decreased significantly by 2015"
   Explanation: The phrase "to 2015" is incorrect as it implies movement towards a point in time. "By 2015" is the correct preposition to use when indicating a point in time marking the end of a period, improving the grammatical accuracy and clarity of the sentence.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay appears to address a statistical trend regarding the aging population, specifically focusing on individuals aged over 70 from 2010 to 2015. However, it does not fully answer all parts of the question, particularly if the prompt required a more comprehensive analysis or comparison. The phrase "increase slightly" and "decreased significantly" lacks context, such as the reasons behind these changes or implications of the trend, which are often expected in a Task 2 essay.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, ensure that all aspects of the prompt are addressed. This may include providing a more detailed analysis of the data, discussing potential reasons for the trends observed, and considering the implications of these changes on society or policy. Including specific data points or comparisons with other age groups could also strengthen the response.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay does not present a clear position throughout. It merely states facts without expressing an opinion or a clear argument. For example, the statement about the increase and decrease lacks a definitive stance or interpretation of what these changes mean for society or individuals.
  • How to improve: To present a clearer position, the writer should articulate a specific viewpoint or argument related to the data presented. This could involve discussing the significance of the trends, how they affect different demographics, or what actions should be taken in response to these changes. Consistently referring back to this position throughout the essay will help maintain clarity.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a very limited number of ideas, primarily focusing on the statistical changes without extending or supporting them with further explanation or examples. There is no elaboration on why these changes occurred or their potential impact, which is crucial for a higher band score.
  • How to improve: To improve in this area, the writer should aim to expand on the initial ideas presented. This could involve providing examples, citing studies or reports, or discussing broader implications of the trends. Each point made should be supported with relevant evidence or reasoning to create a more robust argument.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay does stay on topic regarding the aging population; however, it lacks depth and breadth. The limited information provided does not fully explore the topic, which can lead to a perception of being off-topic due to insufficient detail.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance, the writer should ensure that each paragraph contributes to a deeper understanding of the topic. This could involve discussing related issues, such as healthcare implications for the elderly, economic impacts, or societal attitudes towards aging. Structuring the essay with clear topic sentences and ensuring each sentence contributes to the overall argument will help maintain focus.

In summary, to improve the essay and potentially achieve a higher band score, the writer should aim to provide a more comprehensive response that answers all parts of the prompt, presents a clear position, extends and supports ideas with relevant examples, and maintains a strong focus on the topic throughout.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 4

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 4

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a basic chronological sequence of events regarding the demographic change of individuals aged over 70 from 2010 to 2015. However, the organization lacks clarity and depth. For instance, the phrase "increase slightly in 2010, but then decreased significantly to 2015" does not effectively convey the trend over the years. The reader is left with an unclear understanding of the data, as the specific figures or context are missing. The lack of a clear introduction or conclusion further contributes to the disorganized presentation of information.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the essay should begin with a clear introduction that outlines the main topic and the significance of the data. Following this, a more detailed chronological structure should be employed, perhaps breaking down the changes year by year or providing comparative data to illustrate the trends more effectively. Additionally, a concluding statement summarizing the findings would help to reinforce the main points.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay lacks distinct paragraphs, which makes it difficult to identify separate ideas or points. The information is presented in a single block of text, which can overwhelm the reader and obscure the main arguments. Effective paragraphing is crucial for guiding the reader through the essay and ensuring that each point is clearly articulated.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraphing, the essay should be divided into at least two paragraphs: one for the introduction and another for the main body. Each paragraph should focus on a specific aspect of the topic. For example, the first paragraph could introduce the demographic trend, while the second could discuss the implications or reasons behind the changes observed. Clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph would also help to signal the main idea being discussed.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited use of cohesive devices, which are essential for linking ideas and ensuring the text flows smoothly. Phrases like "but then" indicate some attempt at cohesion, but the overall effect is weak due to the lack of variety and sophistication in the devices used. The absence of transitional words or phrases makes the essay feel choppy and disconnected.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "however," "in addition," "consequently," and "on the other hand." These can help to clarify relationships between ideas and enhance the overall flow of the essay. Practicing the use of cohesive devices in various contexts will also aid in developing a more natural and varied writing style.

In summary, to improve the coherence and cohesion of the essay, the writer should focus on organizing information logically, utilizing effective paragraphing, and employing a broader range of cohesive devices. By addressing these areas, the overall clarity and effectiveness of the essay will significantly improve.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic range of vocabulary related to demographics, such as "proportion," "old individual," and "aged." However, the use of phrases like "old individual" is somewhat awkward and lacks variety. The vocabulary does not extend beyond basic terms, which limits the overall richness of the language.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider using synonyms and more varied expressions. For example, instead of "old individual," you could use "elderly population" or "senior citizens." Additionally, incorporating phrases that describe trends more vividly, such as "showed a gradual increase" or "experienced a notable decline," would improve the essay’s lexical diversity.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The phrase "old individual aged exceed 70" is not only awkward but also grammatically incorrect. The term "exceed" is misused here; it should be "exceeded" to match the past tense context. Furthermore, the phrase lacks clarity, as it does not specify the proportion being discussed.
  • How to improve: Focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys your intended meaning. For instance, instead of "old individual aged exceed 70," you could say "the proportion of individuals aged over 70." This change not only corrects the grammatical error but also clarifies the subject matter. Regularly practicing sentence construction and seeking feedback on word choice can help improve precision.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is generally accurate, but there is a notable error in the phrase "individual aged exceed 70," where "aged" is used incorrectly in this context. While it is not a spelling error per se, it reflects a misunderstanding of word form and usage.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling and word form accuracy, consider engaging in targeted exercises that focus on common vocabulary used in IELTS essays. Additionally, proofreading your work or using spell-check tools can help identify and correct errors before submission. Reading extensively can also improve both spelling and familiarity with correct word forms.

Overall, to raise the band score for Lexical Resource, it is essential to expand vocabulary, ensure precise usage, and maintain correct spelling and grammatical forms. Regular practice and feedback will be key to achieving these improvements.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. The primary structure used is simple declarative sentences, such as "The proportion of old individual aged exceed 70 increase slightly in 2010." This sentence lacks complexity and does not utilize subordinate clauses or varied sentence beginnings, which are essential for showcasing a wider grammatical range. Additionally, the phrase "old individual aged exceed 70" is awkwardly constructed and could be more effectively expressed.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating compound and complex sentences. For example, instead of stating "The proportion of old individual aged exceed 70 increase slightly in 2010," you could say, "Although the proportion of individuals aged over 70 increased slightly in 2010, it experienced a significant decline by 2015." This not only adds complexity but also improves clarity and coherence.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The grammatical accuracy in the essay is inconsistent. For instance, the phrase "old individual aged exceed 70" contains multiple errors: "individual" should be pluralized to "individuals," and "exceed" should be in the past tense to match the context of the sentence. Additionally, the verb "increase" should be "increased" to maintain past tense consistency. Punctuation is also lacking, as there are no commas to separate clauses or clarify meaning.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to review subject-verb agreement and verb tenses. Practicing sentence construction with a focus on past tense forms can help. Furthermore, incorporating punctuation, such as commas, can aid in clarifying complex ideas. For example, a revised version of the original sentence could be: "The proportion of individuals aged over 70 increased slightly in 2010, but then decreased significantly by 2015." This revision corrects the grammatical errors and enhances readability.

In summary, to achieve a higher band score, focus on diversifying sentence structures and ensuring grammatical accuracy, particularly with verb forms and punctuation. Regular practice and revision of these elements will contribute to improved performance in the Grammatical Range and Accuracy criteria.

Bài sửa mẫu

The proportion of individuals aged 70 and older increased slightly in 2010, but then decreased significantly by 2015.