TE GIVEN LINE GRAPH SHOW THE SALARY OF TOP TOP1 INCOME

The rate of compensation made by top 1 percent including the US, Canada, Italy, Germany, the UK, France and Japan over the 40-year period starting from 1975 and ending in 2015 is indicated by the given lien graph.
To summarize, what stands out from the graph is that the share of salary earned by all countries showed an upward trend albeit with varying degrees of growth. Specially, the income share in the US was largest among the listed countries, while France has the smallest share.
According to the graph, the percentage of earnings earned by the US population was attributed to the top one percent. It rose significantly, eventually surpassing Germany and reached around 17% by the end of the course. While, Germany, the UK and Canada had a similar trend, beginning at levels from 8% and 10%. This trend showed marginal fall initially, but the rebounded, peaking at just under 15%.
When it comes to other countries, France, Italy, and Japan expressed a similar upward trajectory. Even though there was an initial decrease from 7% to 6%, by 1990 these countries had recoved to their original levels. There was negligible drop in income share in these countries until they had reached a peak of around 8% by 2010.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"the rate of compensation made by top 1 percent" -> "the compensation rate of the top 1 percent"
Explanation: "The rate of compensation made by" is awkward and overly complex. "The compensation rate of" is more concise and maintains clarity.
"including the US, Canada, Italy, Germany, the UK, France and Japan" -> "including the United States, Canada, Italy, Germany, the United Kingdom, France, and Japan"
Explanation: Using full country names enhances formality and clarity, which is more appropriate for academic writing.
"the given lien graph" -> "the provided line graph"
Explanation: "Given lien graph" contains a typographical error ("lien" instead of "line") and "provided" is a more formal alternative to "given."
"what stands out from the graph is that the share of salary earned by all countries showed an upward trend albeit with varying degrees of growth" -> "the graph indicates that the share of income earned by all countries exhibited an upward trend, albeit with varying degrees of growth"
Explanation: "What stands out from the graph is that" is informal; "the graph indicates that" is more direct and academic. "Exhibited" is a more precise term than "showed," and "income" is a more accurate term than "salary" in this context.
"Specially" -> "Specifically"
Explanation: "Specially" is often used in a different context; "specifically" is more appropriate for clarifying details in academic writing.
"the income share in the US was largest among the listed countries" -> "the income share in the United States was the largest among the listed countries"
Explanation: "Largest" should be preceded by "the" for grammatical correctness, and again, using "United States" maintains formality.
"was attributed to the top one percent" -> "was attributable to the top one percent"
Explanation: "Was attributed" implies an action that has been done, while "was attributable" indicates a characteristic or quality, which is more precise in this context.
"eventually surpassing Germany and reached around 17% by the end of the course" -> "eventually surpassing Germany and reaching approximately 17% by the end of the period"
Explanation: "Reached" should be in the same form as "surpassing" for parallel structure, and "approximately" is more formal than "around."
"While, Germany, the UK and Canada had a similar trend, beginning at levels from 8% and 10%" -> "Meanwhile, Germany, the United Kingdom, and Canada exhibited a similar trend, beginning at levels between 8% and 10%"
Explanation: "While," is incorrectly punctuated; "Meanwhile," is more appropriate. "Exhibited" is more formal than "had," and "between" is clearer than "from."
"This trend showed marginal fall initially, but the rebounded, peaking at just under 15%" -> "This trend initially exhibited a marginal decline, but then rebounded, peaking at just under 15%"
Explanation: "Showed marginal fall" is vague; "exhibited a marginal decline" is more precise. "The rebounded" is incorrect; "then rebounded" corrects the grammatical error.
"expressed a similar upward trajectory" -> "demonstrated a similar upward trajectory"
Explanation: "Expressed" is too informal and vague; "demonstrated" is more precise and appropriate for academic writing.
"Even though there was an initial decrease from 7% to 6%, by 1990 these countries had recoved to their original levels" -> "Although there was an initial decrease from 7% to 6%, by 1990 these countries had recovered to their original levels"
Explanation: "Even though" can be simplified to "Although" for conciseness, and "recoved" is a typographical error that should be corrected to "recovered."
"There was negligible drop in income share in these countries until they had reached a peak of around 8% by 2010" -> "There was a negligible decline in income share in these countries until they reached a peak of approximately 8% by 2010"
Explanation: "Negligible drop" should be "a negligible decline" for grammatical correctness, and "approximately" is more formal than "around."

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay addresses the requirements of the task and presents an overview of the information in the graph. It presents and adequately highlights key features/bullet points, but some details are irrelevant or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that the US income share "eventually surpassed Germany" but the graph shows that the US income share was already higher than Germany’s in 1975.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by focusing on the most important trends and features of the graph and by avoiding irrelevant details. The essay could also be improved by using more precise language to describe the trends. For example, instead of saying that the US income share "rose significantly," the essay could say that it "increased steadily" or "showed a consistent upward trend."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation:

The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a lack of overall progression. While there is an attempt to use cohesive devices, their use is often inadequate or inaccurate, leading to some confusion in the flow of ideas. The essay does use paragraphs, but the paragraphing is not entirely effective, as the ideas within them are not always clearly linked or logically developed.

How to improve:

Enhance Logical Progression: Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that ideas progress logically from one to the next. Consider using topic sentences to guide the reader through the essay.
Improve Cohesive Device Usage: Use a wider range of cohesive devices accurately to connect ideas within and between sentences. Avoid overusing certain connectors and ensure that each device serves a clear purpose.
Refine Paragraphing: Organize the essay into clear, distinct paragraphs, each focusing on a specific aspect of the data. Ensure that each paragraph contributes to the overall argument or description.
Clarify Relationships: Make sure that the relationships between different data points and trends are clearly articulated, helping the reader understand how each part of the essay relates to the overall analysis.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary appropriate for the task. It attempts to use less common vocabulary, such as "compensation" and "trajectory," but there are notable inaccuracies in word choice and some awkward phrasing (e.g., "the share of salary earned by all countries showed an upward trend"). There are also several spelling errors (e.g., "recoved" instead of "recovered" and "lien" instead of "line") that, while they do not completely impede communication, still detract from the overall clarity and professionalism of the writing.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with greater precision and fewer errors. This includes ensuring correct spelling and word formation. Additionally, incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary and idiomatic expressions, while maintaining accuracy in context, would elevate the essay’s quality. Practicing the use of synonyms and varying sentence structures can also contribute to a more flexible and nuanced expression of ideas.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. While there are some effective structures used, the essay contains several grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that can hinder clarity. For instance, phrases like "the share of salary earned by all countries showed an upward trend albeit with varying degrees of growth" could be simplified or clarified for better readability. Additionally, there are issues with subject-verb agreement and punctuation, such as in "the income share in the US was largest among the listed countries, while France has the smallest share," where "has" should be "had" to maintain past tense consistency.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Increase Sentence Variety: Incorporate a wider range of complex sentence structures while ensuring they are grammatically accurate.
Proofread for Errors: Carefully check for grammatical mistakes, especially in verb tenses and subject-verb agreement, to reduce the frequency of errors.
Enhance Clarity: Aim for clearer expression of ideas by avoiding overly complex constructions that may confuse the reader. Simplifying some sentences could enhance overall communication.

Bài sửa mẫu

The rate of compensation earned by the top 1 percent, including the US, Canada, Italy, Germany, the UK, France, and Japan, over the 40-year period from 1975 to 2015 is illustrated by the given line graph.

To summarize, what stands out from the graph is that the share of salary earned by all countries exhibited an upward trend, albeit with varying degrees of growth. Specifically, the income share in the US was the largest among the listed countries, while France had the smallest share.

According to the graph, the percentage of earnings attributed to the top 1 percent of the US population rose significantly, eventually surpassing Germany and reaching around 17% by the end of the period. Meanwhile, Germany, the UK, and Canada displayed a similar trend, starting at levels between 8% and 10%. This trend initially showed a marginal decline but then rebounded, peaking at just under 15%.

Regarding the other countries, France, Italy, and Japan demonstrated a similar upward trajectory. Although there was an initial decrease from 7% to 6%, by 1990 these countries had recovered to their original levels. There was a negligible drop in income share in these countries until they reached a peak of around 8% by 2010.