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Technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

Technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

The introduction of technology has impacted the way children enjoy their leisure time, sparking a debate on its implications. Although this may trigger potential harm to users, I would argue that its benefits remain more significant. In this essay, I will delve into both perspectives, particularly focusing on the concern of the balanced development of a child and the increasing exposure to beneficially entertaining resources.

First and foremost, it is essential to acknowledge that excessive reliance on technologies may lead to detrimental effects that deserve careful consideration. A primary consequence is the reduction of engaging in outdoor activities, which play a crucial role in fostering the physical and mental development of a child. For instance, as numerous teenagers gradually favor the convenience of relaxing at home while playing enticing games on the Internet, they may find getting sweated in actual sports games inconvenient and uninspiring, ultimately diminishing their social skills and physical conditions.

However, the advantages of technologies extend beyond their disadvantages, regarding their tremendous contributions to enabling children to be exposed to a wide range of knowledgeable resources. Through a variety of online platforms such as YouTube, Websites and mobile applications, kids and teenagers can facilitate their worldwide comprehension and become accustomed to frequent shifts of the fast-paced world. For example, by watching documentaries on Discovery, a televised channel often featuring immensely informative knowledge of animals' world, children can attain considerable information about those species, ultimately empowering their individual cognitions and global understanding.

In conclusion, while the negative repercussions of technology cannot be disregarded, I contend that their positive outcomes surpass their downsides. Nevertheless, parents must direct their offspring to appropriate technological platforms while encouraging them to increase their regular participation in outdoor activities.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "sparking a debate on its implications" -> "sparking a debate regarding its implications"
    Explanation: Replacing "on its implications" with "regarding its implications" provides a more formal and precise expression, aligning with academic style.

  2. "I would argue that its benefits remain more significant." -> "I posit that its benefits outweigh the drawbacks."
    Explanation: Replacing "I would argue that" with "I posit that" introduces a stronger and more assertive tone, common in academic writing. Additionally, replacing "remain more significant" with "outweigh the drawbacks" enhances clarity and specificity.

  3. "delve into" -> "examine in depth"
    Explanation: Substituting "delve into" with "examine in depth" maintains the scholarly tone and provides a more formal expression.

  4. "particularly focusing on" -> "with particular emphasis on"
    Explanation: Replacing "particularly focusing on" with "with particular emphasis on" adds precision and formality to the sentence.

  5. "it is essential to acknowledge" -> "it is imperative to recognize"
    Explanation: Replacing "it is essential to acknowledge" with "it is imperative to recognize" conveys a sense of urgency and importance, enhancing the formal tone.

  6. "excessive reliance on technologies" -> "excessive reliance on technology"
    Explanation: Changing "technologies" to "technology" ensures grammatical accuracy and maintains a formal language style.

  7. "may find getting sweated" -> "may find engaging"
    Explanation: Replacing "may find getting sweated" with "may find engaging" offers a more precise and neutral description, avoiding colloquial language.

  8. "enticing games on the Internet" -> "captivating online games"
    Explanation: Substituting "enticing games on the Internet" with "captivating online games" maintains the appeal while using a more sophisticated term.

  9. "they may find getting sweated in actual sports games inconvenient and uninspiring" -> "they may find participating in physical sports inconvenient and uninspiring"
    Explanation: Replacing "getting sweated in actual sports games" with "participating in physical sports" is more formal and clarifies the intended meaning.

  10. "documentaries on Discovery" -> "documentaries on the Discovery Channel"
    Explanation: Adding "Channel" after "Discovery" provides a more specific reference, adhering to academic precision.

  11. "immensely informative knowledge of animals’ world" -> "immensely informative insights into the world of animals"
    Explanation: Changing "knowledge of animals’ world" to "insights into the world of animals" enhances clarity and formality.

  12. "considerable information about those species" -> "substantial information about those species"
    Explanation: Substituting "considerable" with "substantial" maintains the level of information while using a more formal term.

  13. "empowering their individual cognitions" -> "enhancing their cognitive capabilities"
    Explanation: Replacing "empowering their individual cognitions" with "enhancing their cognitive capabilities" provides a more precise and formal expression.

  14. "while the negative repercussions of technology cannot be disregarded" -> "while acknowledging the undeniable negative repercussions of technology"
    Explanation: The suggested alternative adds emphasis and formality, improving the overall tone of the sentence.

  15. "parents must direct their offspring" -> "parents should guide their children"
    Explanation: Replacing "must direct their offspring" with "should guide their children" maintains formality and clarity while using a more conventional term.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

  1. Quoted text: "However, the advantages of technologies extend beyond their disadvantages, regarding their tremendous contributions to enabling children to be exposed to a wide range of knowledgeable resources."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The idea presented here about the advantages of technology is somewhat general. It lacks specific examples or elaboration on the variety of resources available. To enhance this point, consider specifying particular instances where technology offers diverse educational resources. For instance, mentioning platforms like Khan Academy providing free educational videos across subjects or language-learning apps aiding global communication could bolster this argument significantly.
    • Improved example: "Moreover, technologies introduce an expansive array of educational resources to children. Platforms like Khan Academy offer a plethora of free educational videos spanning subjects from mathematics to history, enhancing learning beyond traditional classroom settings. Language-learning applications like Duolingo facilitate global communication by teaching various languages, promoting cultural understanding among children."
  2. Quoted text: "Through a variety of online platforms such as YouTube, Websites and mobile applications, kids and teenagers can facilitate their worldwide comprehension and become accustomed to frequent shifts of the fast-paced world."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: While acknowledging the impact of online platforms, the explanation lacks depth in how these platforms specifically contribute to global comprehension or adaptation to the fast-paced world. To improve, delve into specific examples that illustrate how these platforms aid in understanding the world or adapting to its dynamics. For instance, discussing how YouTube tutorials on coding empower teenagers to grasp technological advancements or how educational websites offer interactive experiences shaping a child’s understanding of global issues.
    • Improved example: "Various online platforms like YouTube offer coding tutorials that empower teenagers to grasp technological advancements, contributing to their adaptability in a rapidly evolving world. Educational websites provide interactive experiences, shaping a child’s understanding of global issues like climate change or cultural diversity, fostering a more comprehensive worldview."

Overall, the essay effectively presents both perspectives, but the points explaining the benefits of technology could benefit from more specific and detailed examples to support the argument. Strive to illustrate these advantages with vivid and detailed instances, making the essay more persuasive and comprehensive.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a logical organization of information and ideas with a clear progression throughout. It introduces the topic effectively and presents two well-developed body paragraphs that cover both advantages and disadvantages of technology for children’s leisure time. The use of cohesive devices is generally appropriate, aiding in the coherence of the essay. There’s a clear central topic within each paragraph, and the overall structure follows a coherent pattern. The essay maintains a balance in discussing both perspectives and concludes effectively by summarizing the main points.

How to improve:
To further improve coherence and cohesion:

  1. Strengthen the transition between paragraphs to create smoother connections between ideas.
  2. Use a wider variety of cohesive devices to enhance the flow of ideas and maintain coherence.
  3. Ensure that the conclusion reaffirms the stance taken in the thesis statement and briefly summarizes the main arguments without introducing new points.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary to allow flexibility and precision. There is a commendable effort to use less common lexical items with some awareness of style and collocation. The essay effectively conveys the writer’s viewpoint, presenting arguments coherently. There are instances of less common vocabulary, such as "enticing," "uninspiring," and "cognitions," which contribute to a more varied and sophisticated language use. However, there are occasional errors in word choice and collocation, such as "the convenience of relaxing at home while playing enticing games," where a more precise term for "enticing" could be used. Additionally, the phrase "getting sweated in actual sports games" could be more accurately expressed. These minor inaccuracies, though noticeable, do not significantly hinder comprehension.

How to improve:
To enhance the Lexical Resource score, the writer can focus on refining word choice and ensuring that less common vocabulary is used accurately in context. Careful proofreading can help identify and rectify minor errors in collocation. Additionally, attention to detail in expressions such as "getting sweated" can contribute to a more polished and precise use of language. Striving for greater accuracy in less common lexical items will further elevate the overall lexical quality of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a good command of grammatical structures, employing a variety of sentence types with generally accurate usage. Complex structures are utilized, such as in the introductory paragraph. The essay maintains good control of grammar and punctuation throughout, with the majority of sentences being error-free. There are a few instances of minor errors, such as in the sentence "As numerous teenagers gradually favor the convenience of relaxing at home while playing enticing games on the Internet," where the phrasing could be more precise.

How to improve: To elevate the score, focus on refining sentence structures to enhance clarity and precision. Additionally, proofread the essay more thoroughly to catch minor errors and ensure the highest level of grammatical accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

The introduction of technology has significantly impacted how children spend their free time, sparking debates about its effects. While there are concerns about potential harm, I believe that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks. In this essay, I’ll explore both perspectives, focusing on the balanced development of children and their exposure to beneficial entertainment.

It’s crucial to recognize that relying too much on technology can have negative effects that need careful consideration. One consequence is the reduced participation in outdoor activities, which are vital for a child’s physical and mental development. For instance, many teenagers now prefer staying home to play games online, which can lead to a lack of interest in real sports, affecting their social skills and physical health.

However, the advantages of technology go beyond the disadvantages, especially in exposing children to a wide range of educational resources. Platforms like YouTube, websites, and mobile apps provide access to a wealth of knowledge. For example, watching documentaries on channels like Discovery offers valuable information about the natural world, enhancing children’s understanding of various species and boosting their cognitive abilities.

In conclusion, although there are negative aspects of technology, I believe that its positive outcomes are more significant. Parents should guide their children to use technology wisely while encouraging them to engage more in outdoor activities for a balanced lifestyle.

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