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tell us about your event that yu have took part in the past

tell us about your event that yu have took part in the past

I had a chance to go to a music event that take took place at mydinh sport stadium in Hanoi Vietnam. The music event is sung by my favorite music band, blackpink. This music event is their last event in Asia so I have to go to enjoin their music. It was very crowded but I don’t even care about it because they sing so well that’s make me forget about the crowd. That’s the best music even I have ever seen in my life. I wish in the future blackpink will come back and make the bigger event for us


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "I had a chance to go to a music event" -> "I had the opportunity to attend a music event"
    Explanation: "Had a chance to" is somewhat informal and vague. "Had the opportunity to attend" is more formal and precise, fitting the academic style better.

  2. "that take took place" -> "that took place"
    Explanation: The verb "take" should be in the past tense "took" to match the past tense of the sentence, ensuring grammatical consistency.

  3. "at mydinh sport stadium" -> "at My Dinh Sports Stadium"
    Explanation: "mydinh" is likely a misspelling or a non-standard term. "My Dinh Sports Stadium" is the correct name of the stadium in Hanoi, Vietnam, and capitalizing it is necessary for proper formality.

  4. "The music event is sung by my favorite music band, blackpink." -> "The music event features my favorite music band, Blackpink."
    Explanation: "Is sung by" is awkward and incorrect in this context. "Features" is more appropriate for describing the performance of a band. Also, "Blackpink" should be capitalized as it is a proper noun.

  5. "This music event is their last event in Asia" -> "This concert marks their final event in Asia"
    Explanation: "This music event is their last event in Asia" is a bit informal and vague. "This concert marks their final event in Asia" is more precise and formal, specifying the type of event and emphasizing its significance.

  6. "I have to go to enjoin their music" -> "I had to attend their concert"
    Explanation: "Enjoin" is not commonly used in this context and sounds unnatural. "Attend their concert" is straightforward and appropriate for the context.

  7. "It was very crowded but I don’t even care about it" -> "It was extremely crowded, yet I was not deterred"
    Explanation: "I don’t even care about it" is informal and conversational. "I was not deterred" is more formal and academically suitable, conveying the same meaning without the contraction.

  8. "that’s make me forget about the crowd" -> "which made me forget the crowd"
    Explanation: "That’s" is a contraction and should be replaced with "which" for grammatical correctness. Also, "made" should be in the past tense to match the past tense of the sentence.

  9. "That’s the best music even I have ever seen" -> "This is the best concert I have ever seen"
    Explanation: "That’s" is again a contraction and should be replaced with "This" for formal writing. "Even" is unnecessary and can be removed for clarity and formality.

  10. "I wish in the future blackpink will come back" -> "I hope that Blackpink will return"
    Explanation: "I wish in the future" is awkward and informal. "I hope that" is more formal and appropriate for expressing future desires. "Will come back" should be "will return" for a more formal tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing a music event the writer attended, specifically a concert by the band Blackpink. However, it lacks depth and detail about the event itself, such as the atmosphere, specific songs performed, or personal feelings during the event. The response is somewhat superficial and does not fully explore the significance of the event or the writer’s experience.
    • How to improve: To better address all parts of the question, the writer should include more specific details about the event, such as the date, location, and any memorable moments. Additionally, reflecting on what the event meant to them personally or how it impacted their appreciation for music could enhance the response.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear enthusiasm for the event and the band, but the position is not consistently articulated. Phrases like "I have to go to enjoin their music" and "That’s the best music even I have ever seen" convey excitement, yet the overall structure lacks a strong, cohesive argument or narrative thread that ties the experience together.
    • How to improve: To maintain a clearer position, the writer should start with a strong thesis statement that encapsulates their feelings about the event. Each subsequent paragraph should support this thesis with specific examples and reflections, ensuring that the enthusiasm is evident throughout the essay.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The ideas presented in the essay are basic and lack sufficient development. While the writer mentions the crowd and their enjoyment of the music, there are no extended reflections or supporting details that elaborate on these points. For instance, the writer could describe a particular song that resonated with them or a moment during the concert that was particularly impactful.
    • How to improve: To enhance the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on their experiences. This could involve discussing the emotions felt during specific performances, the reactions of the crowd, or even the significance of attending a concert by their favorite band. Providing examples and anecdotes will help to create a more engaging and vivid narrative.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the music event attended. However, the brevity and lack of detail lead to a somewhat disjointed narrative that could confuse readers about the main focus. The phrase "I wish in the future blackpink will come back and make the bigger event for us" introduces a new idea that feels somewhat disconnected from the main narrative about the concert experience.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance, the writer should ensure that all sentences contribute to the central theme of the essay. Avoiding tangential thoughts and instead reinforcing the main narrative will help keep the reader engaged. Each point made should tie back to the overall experience of attending the concert, reinforcing the significance of that event.

Overall, the essay would benefit from a more structured approach, with clear details and reflections that enhance the reader’s understanding of the event and the writer’s personal connection to it. Expanding on the ideas presented and ensuring a cohesive narrative will help improve the overall quality of the response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 5

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents information in a somewhat logical order, starting with the event’s location and the performing band. However, the flow is disrupted by awkward phrasing and a lack of clear progression between ideas. For instance, the transition from describing the event to expressing personal feelings about it is abrupt. The essay lacks a clear introduction or conclusion, which would help frame the narrative and provide closure.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer should start with a brief introduction that outlines what the essay will discuss. Following this, each paragraph should focus on a specific aspect of the event, such as the atmosphere, personal feelings, and a conclusion reflecting on the experience. Using transitional phrases (e.g., "Firstly," "In addition," "Finally") can help guide the reader through the narrative.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay is written as a single block of text without any paragraph breaks, making it difficult for the reader to follow the different ideas presented. Each new thought or aspect of the event should ideally begin a new paragraph to enhance readability and structure.
    • How to improve: The writer should divide the essay into at least two or three paragraphs. For example, one paragraph could describe the event’s details (location, band, and crowd), another could express personal feelings and experiences during the event, and a final paragraph could reflect on the significance of the event and hopes for the future. This separation will help clarify the structure and improve overall coherence.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates limited use of cohesive devices, relying primarily on simple conjunctions like "and" and "but." There are instances where cohesive devices could enhance the connection between sentences, such as linking the crowded atmosphere to the enjoyment of the performance. The phrase "that’s make me forget about the crowd" is grammatically incorrect and lacks clarity, which detracts from the overall cohesion.
    • How to improve: To improve the use of cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a variety of linking words and phrases, such as "despite," "however," "for example," and "therefore." Additionally, ensuring grammatical accuracy in phrases will enhance clarity. For instance, revising "that’s make me forget" to "which made me forget" would improve both cohesion and grammatical correctness.

By addressing these areas, the writer can significantly improve the coherence and cohesion of their essay, potentially raising their band score in future assessments.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic range of vocabulary relevant to the topic of a music event. Words such as "music event," "favorite music band," and "crowded" are appropriate and convey the main ideas. However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive and lacks variety. For instance, the phrase "music event" is used multiple times without synonyms or alternative expressions, which limits the richness of the language.
    • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer could incorporate synonyms or related terms. For example, instead of repeating "music event," they could use "concert," "performance," or "show." Additionally, including descriptive adjectives (e.g., "energetic," "memorable") would add depth to the writing.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that affect clarity. For example, the phrase "enjoin their music" is incorrect; the intended meaning seems to be "enjoy their music." Similarly, "that’s make me forget" should be "that makes me forget," indicating a misunderstanding of verb forms.
    • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on understanding the correct usage of phrases and verb forms. A good practice would be to review common collocations and ensure that verbs agree with their subjects. Additionally, using a thesaurus to find the right word in context can help avoid misused terms.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "yu" instead of "you," "mydinh" instead of "Mydinh," "take took" instead of "took," "enjoin" instead of "enjoy," and "even" instead of "event." These errors detract from the overall readability and professionalism of the essay.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should practice proofreading their work before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and regularly practicing them can be beneficial.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the topic and some relevant vocabulary, there are significant areas for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By expanding their vocabulary, ensuring precise usage, and focusing on spelling, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay primarily employs simple sentence structures, such as "I had a chance to go to a music event" and "It was very crowded." While these sentences convey the main ideas, the lack of complex or compound sentences limits the overall range of grammatical structures. For instance, the phrase "that take took place" contains a redundancy and fails to utilize a more sophisticated structure that could enhance clarity and engagement. Additionally, the use of "that’s make me forget" is incorrect and indicates a missed opportunity to use a more varied structure.
    • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should practice incorporating compound and complex sentences. For example, instead of saying "It was very crowded but I don’t even care about it," they could say, "Although it was very crowded, I didn’t mind because the performance was so captivating." This not only improves the variety but also enhances the flow of ideas.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors that affect clarity and coherence. For example, "take took place" is a clear error, and "enjoin their music" should be "enjoy their music." Additionally, the phrase "that’s make me forget" should be corrected to "that made me forget." Punctuation is also inconsistent; for instance, there are missing commas in complex sentences, which can lead to run-on sentences and confusion. The lack of proper capitalization in "mydinh sport stadium" and "blackpink" diminishes the professionalism of the writing.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading their work to catch errors in verb tense, subject-verb agreement, and word choice. Practicing grammar exercises that focus on common mistakes can also be beneficial. Furthermore, reviewing punctuation rules, particularly for commas in compound sentences, will help improve clarity. For example, the writer could revise the sentence "I wish in the future blackpink will come back and make the bigger event for us" to "I hope that in the future, Blackpink will return to hold an even bigger event for us," which corrects the grammar and improves the overall structure.

By addressing these areas, the writer can enhance their grammatical range and accuracy, potentially leading to a higher band score in future assessments.

Bài sửa mẫu

I had the opportunity to attend a music event that took place at My Dinh Sports Stadium in Hanoi, Vietnam. The music event featured my favorite music band, Blackpink. This concert marked their final event in Asia, so I had to attend to enjoy their music. It was extremely crowded, yet I was not deterred because they sang so well that it made me forget the crowd. This is the best concert I have ever seen in my life. I hope that in the future, Blackpink will return and hold an even bigger event for us.

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