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The amount of time spent on sport and exercise should be increased in schools in order to tackle the problem of overweight children. Do you think this is the best way to deal with this problem? What other solutions can you suggest?

The amount of time spent on sport and exercise should be increased in schools in order to tackle the problem of overweight children.
Do you think this is the best way to deal with this problem?
What other solutions can you suggest?

In recent years, there has been a significant increase in the number of obese people, especially children. This essay mostly advocates the solution, will illustrate the viewpoint that this approach could be effective to cope with obesity in children and also provide other suggestions about the use of different ways to achieve better results.

Firstly, the awareness of the innate abilities to move and getting plans of doing exercise off the ground effectively are important. The lack of movement can result in a sedentary lifestyle, which contributes to cardiac diseases in the future and disrupts the body's control. Moreover, regular exercise stimulates the production of attention span and synapses related to happiness. Improved attention not only reduces the risk of illness but enhances academic productivity as well. Research in 2008 proved that the combination of doing exercise and traditional studying has a positive effect on comprehensive efficiency in studying and working, not just for children.

Furthermore, besides doing exercise, another basic aspect of healthy lifestyle maintenance is a balanced diet. Right nutritious planning not only promotes healthy lives but also plays a crucial role in optimizing the effect of physical practice. The reaction of a balanced diet and exercise is verified by various research, which emphasizes the noticeable upgrade in our metabolic system. This helps exercise and diet become a perfect couple to solve obesity problems in all aspects.

In conclusion, combining the plan of exercise and a balanced diet is a decent contributor to achieving clear results in an approximately short period of time if they are done appropriately. So the awareness of the connection between physical activities and nutrition is very necessary to encourage a healthy lifestyle, especially for children.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "This essay mostly advocates the solution" -> "This essay primarily advocates the solution"
    Explanation: Replacing "mostly" with "primarily" elevates the formality of the statement, providing a more precise and nuanced expression of the essay’s focus.

  2. "getting plans of doing exercise off the ground effectively" -> "implementing exercise plans effectively"
    Explanation: The phrase "getting plans of doing exercise off the ground" is informal and awkward. "Implementing exercise plans effectively" is a more concise and formal expression.

  3. "The lack of movement can result in a sedentary lifestyle" -> "A sedentary lifestyle, stemming from insufficient physical activity"
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence adds clarity and formality by explicitly connecting the sedentary lifestyle to insufficient physical activity.

  4. "cardiac diseases in the future" -> "cardiovascular diseases in the future"
    Explanation: Using "cardiovascular diseases" is more specific and formal than the generic "cardiac diseases."

  5. "stimulates the production of attention span and synapses related to happiness" -> "enhances attention span and promotes the formation of synapses associated with well-being"
    Explanation: This revision provides a more detailed and formal description of the effects of regular exercise on attention span and synapse formation.

  6. "Research in 2008 proved" -> "A 2008 study demonstrated"
    Explanation: The term "Research" is quite broad, and specifying it as a "study" adds precision. Additionally, using "demonstrated" instead of "proved" maintains a more cautious and formal tone.

  7. "doing exercise and traditional studying" -> "engaging in physical activity and conventional academic pursuits"
    Explanation: The phrase "doing exercise and traditional studying" is colloquial; replacing it with "engaging in physical activity and conventional academic pursuits" enhances formality.

  8. "not just for children" -> "not limited to children"
    Explanation: "Not limited to children" is a more sophisticated expression that avoids the informal tone associated with "not just for children."

  9. "besides doing exercise" -> "In addition to engaging in exercise"
    Explanation: "Besides doing exercise" is less formal than "In addition to engaging in exercise," which better aligns with an academic tone.

  10. "Right nutritious planning" -> "Appropriate nutritional planning"
    Explanation: "Right nutritious planning" is informal, and "Appropriate nutritional planning" maintains formality while conveying the same idea.

  11. "The reaction of a balanced diet and exercise" -> "The interaction between a balanced diet and exercise"
    Explanation: "The reaction of a balanced diet and exercise" is not the most precise way to express the relationship; "The interaction between a balanced diet and exercise" is more accurate and formal.

  12. "a decent contributor" -> "a significant contributor"
    Explanation: "Decent" is relatively informal; replacing it with "significant" imparts a more substantial and academic tone.

  13. "clear results in an approximately short period of time" -> "significant results in a relatively short period"
    Explanation: The revised phrase is more concise and maintains a formal tone.

  14. "if they are done appropriately" -> "if implemented appropriately"
    Explanation: The term "implemented" is more formal and aligns better with academic language than "done."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

  1. Quoted text: "In recent years, there has been a significant increase in the number of obese people, especially children. This essay mostly advocates the solution, will illustrate the viewpoint that this approach could be effective to cope with obesity in children and also provide other suggestions about the use of different ways to achieve better results."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The introduction lacks clarity in presenting a clear position on the topic. While it mentions advocating the solution and providing other suggestions, it doesn’t explicitly state the writer’s position. It would be more effective to clearly express whether the writer agrees or disagrees with the idea that increasing the time spent on sport and exercise in schools is the best way to tackle the problem of overweight children.
    • Improved example: "In recent years, the surge in childhood obesity has raised concerns. This essay contends that increasing the time devoted to sports and exercise in schools is a viable solution to address this issue. Additionally, alternative approaches will be explored to offer a comprehensive perspective."
  2. Quoted text: "Firstly, the awareness of the innate abilities to move and getting plans of doing exercise off the ground effectively are important. The lack of movement can result in a sedentary lifestyle, which contributes to cardiac diseases in the future and disrupts the body’s control."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The argument lacks depth in discussing the awareness of innate abilities to move. The connection between awareness and initiating exercise plans needs more clarity and development. A more detailed explanation with specific examples could strengthen this point.
    • Improved example: "Firstly, fostering awareness of the inherent capability for physical activity is crucial. Encouraging children to understand and embrace their natural ability to move provides a solid foundation for effective exercise plans. For instance, organizing interactive sessions or sports events can enhance this awareness, motivating children to engage in physical activities regularly."
  3. Quoted text: "Moreover, regular exercise stimulates the production of attention span and synapses related to happiness. Improved attention not only reduces the risk of illness but enhances academic productivity as well. Research in 2008 proved that the combination of doing exercise and traditional studying has a positive effect on comprehensive efficiency in studying and working, not just for children."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: While the argument introduces the benefits of exercise on attention span and academic productivity, it lacks specific examples or personal experiences to support these claims. Including anecdotal evidence or specific instances would add credibility to the argument.
    • Improved example: "Moreover, regular exercise not only stimulates the production of attention span but also triggers the formation of synapses associated with happiness. Improved attention has broader implications, reducing the risk of various illnesses and significantly enhancing academic productivity. For instance, personal experiences of students incorporating exercise routines into their study schedules have shown noticeable improvements in concentration and overall efficiency."

Overall, the essay demonstrates a clear position and presents well-supported ideas but lacks in-depth development and specific examples in some areas. Adding more concrete examples and refining the introduction would enhance the overall Task Response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay logically organizes information and ideas with a clear progression throughout. It effectively uses a range of cohesive devices, though there’s a slight tendency for overuse. Each paragraph presents a clear central topic, contributing to overall coherence.
How to improve: While the essay is well-structured, be cautious not to overuse cohesive devices. Ensure a balanced use of linking words to maintain clarity. Additionally, refine paragraphing to ensure a more nuanced and logical flow between ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing for flexibility and precision in expression. There is an attempt to use less common lexical items with some awareness of style and collocation. The essay effectively discusses the importance of exercise and a balanced diet in combating childhood obesity, providing relevant examples and arguments. While there are occasional errors in word choice and some inaccuracies, they do not significantly impede communication.

How to improve:
To enhance the lexical resource and move towards a higher band score, the author could focus on more consistently using a wider range of vocabulary, paying close attention to precision and appropriateness in word choice. Additionally, careful proofreading can help eliminate occasional errors in spelling and word formation. Expanding the depth of vocabulary related to the topic would further strengthen the essay’s overall lexical quality.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable use of a variety of complex structures, contributing to a Band 7 score. The writer employs a mix of simple and complex sentences, showcasing a good range of grammatical structures. The majority of sentences are error-free, and the essay generally maintains good control of grammar and punctuation. While there are some instances of minor errors, they do not significantly impede communication.

How to Improve: To elevate the score to Band 8, the writer can aim for even greater precision in grammatical structures and punctuation. While the essay already uses a variety of complex structures, polishing these for absolute accuracy and refining punctuation further would enhance the overall quality. Additionally, ensuring a seamless flow between sentences and ideas can contribute to an even more cohesive and sophisticated essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent years, there has been a significant increase in obesity, especially among children. This essay supports the idea that increasing time for sports and exercise in schools can effectively address childhood obesity. Additionally, it will suggest alternative approaches to combat this issue.

Firstly, recognizing the importance of movement and initiating effective exercise plans are crucial. Lack of physical activity leads to a sedentary lifestyle, contributing to future heart diseases and disrupting the body’s functions. Furthermore, regular exercise boosts attention and happiness-related synapses. Improved focus not only reduces the risk of illness but also enhances academic productivity. A 2008 study demonstrated that combining exercise with traditional study methods positively impacts overall learning and work efficiency, not only in children.

Moreover, apart from exercise, a balanced diet is essential for maintaining a healthy lifestyle. Proper nutrition not only fosters overall health but also significantly complements the effects of physical activity. Various studies confirm the synergy between a balanced diet and exercise, highlighting substantial improvements in our metabolic systems. This synergy renders exercise and diet a powerful duo in combating obesity comprehensively.

To conclude, a well-rounded approach that combines exercise and a balanced diet yields noticeable results in a relatively short time if executed properly. Therefore, understanding the link between physical activity and nutrition is crucial to promoting a healthy lifestyle, especially among children.

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