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The animal species are becoming extinct due to human activities on land and in sea. What are the reasons and solutions?

The animal species are becoming extinct due to human activities on land and in sea. What are the reasons and solutions?

The animal species are becoming extinct due to human activities on land and in sea. What are the reasons and solutions?
Along with extremely development of industrialization and modernization, the catastrophic human activities impact on wildlife environment become more and more unacceptable, especially on animal species. Every single creature is on the verge of disappearance. This essay discusses about some reasons to deeply understand and from that some possible measures can be taken to tackle these problems.
The species endangerment and elimination have three major anthropogenic causes include overhunting, habitant loss and pollution. As you can see clearly that we use thousand of products made of animal such as food, medicine. The ivory of elephants, the fur and organs of tigers, the deliciousness of tuna and the supposedly medicinal effect of shark’s fin are some examples of why we have over captured these animals to the point of extinction. The currently biggest reason of mammal annihilation is destruction of habitat. A million of hectares of agricultural and forestry lands is converted or devastated to expand commercial activities and services, build new plants, roads or cities. Also, deforestation and aquatic life degradation are threatening our ecological progresses, collapsing food chain of wildlife, taking part in pushing them to the edge of extinction. Finally, air pollutants include carbon monoxide, sulfur dioxide and nitrogen oxides from operation activities of factories, the waste disposal is released out of control and is not treated properly – these things result in that soil and water are contaminated with heavy metals such as mercury, cadmium and lead to pesticide and herbicide compounds.
To address these problems practically, first of all, we need to learn more about endangered species in our area and impart awareness how important they are to our neighbors and friends, enhance understanding of them like never purchase products made from threatened species or report any harassment of them to state wildlife departments. Authorities should deploy more conservation management strategies to seed more reserved forests and aquacultures, put sustainable exploitation policies, stimulate reforestation. Furthermore, in hi-tech life, the investment budgets in improving efficiency and productivity should be more taken in consideration through scientific innovations and inventions. Using energy resources sparingly, restricting any unnecessary demands in one way or another can reduce contaminants and redeem the situation.
In a nutshell, many factors work in synergy with each other, causing the rapid rate of extinction ever seen, the animal species are more prone to changes caused by humans to the planet. With proper law enforcement, regular awareness and smart-economic solutions for environmental-friendly activities should be undertaken by each individual.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "extremely development of industrialization and modernization" -> "rapid development of industrialization and modernization"
    Explanation: Replacing "extremely development" with "rapid development" provides a more precise and formal description of the pace of industrialization and modernization, aligning with academic tone.

  2. "impact on wildlife environment" -> "impact on the wildlife environment"
    Explanation: Adding the article "the" before "wildlife environment" improves grammatical correctness and maintains a more formal structure.

  3. "Every single creature is on the verge of disappearance." -> "Every species is on the verge of extinction."
    Explanation: Substituting "Every single creature" with "Every species" and replacing "disappearance" with "extinction" enhances clarity and aligns with a more formal expression.

  4. "discusses about" -> "discusses"
    Explanation: Removing "about" after "discusses" streamlines the sentence and adheres to a more formal usage.

  5. "endangerment and elimination have three major anthropogenic causes include" -> "endangerment and elimination have three major anthropogenic causes, including"
    Explanation: Adding a comma after "causes" improves the grammatical structure, making the sentence clearer and more formal.

  6. "As you can see clearly that we use thousand of products" -> "It is evident that we use thousands of products"
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and changing "thousand" to "thousands" enhances precision and formality.

  7. "deliciousness of tuna" -> "consumption of tuna"
    Explanation: Substituting "deliciousness" with "consumption" provides a more neutral and formal expression, aligning with academic tone.

  8. "mammal annihilation" -> "mammal extinction"
    Explanation: Replacing "annihilation" with "extinction" is a more formal and specific term, maintaining academic appropriateness.

  9. "a million of hectares" -> "millions of hectares"
    Explanation: Changing "a million of" to "millions of" corrects the pluralization and aligns with standard usage.

  10. "is converted or devastated to expand commercial activities and services" -> "is converted or devastated for expanding commercial activities and services"
    Explanation: Adjusting the structure for clarity and adding "for" before "expanding" enhances the sentence’s formal tone.

  11. "deforestation and aquatic life degradation are threatening our ecological progresses" -> "deforestation and degradation of aquatic life threaten our ecological progress"
    Explanation: Reordering and refining the sentence for better flow and adherence to formal language.

  12. "deploy more conservation management strategies to seed more reserved forests and aquacultures" -> "implement more conservation management strategies, including the establishment of additional reserved forests and aquacultures"
    Explanation: Elaborating on the conservation strategies and refining the wording for academic appropriateness.

  13. "stimulate reforestation" -> "promote reforestation"
    Explanation: Substituting "stimulate" with "promote" maintains a formal tone and is a more precise term.

  14. "in hi-tech life" -> "in the era of technology"
    Explanation: Substituting "hi-tech life" with "the era of technology" provides a more formal and descriptive phrase.

  15. "investment budgets in improving efficiency and productivity should be more taken in consideration" -> "investment budgets for improving efficiency and productivity should be given greater consideration"
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality.

  16. "Through scientific innovations and inventions." -> "Through scientific innovation and invention."
    Explanation: Removing the plural form of "innovations" for conciseness and maintaining a formal tone.

  17. "Using energy resources sparingly, restricting any unnecessary demands in one way or another can reduce contaminants and redeem the situation." -> "Conserving energy resources and curbing unnecessary demands can mitigate contaminants and rectify the situation."
    Explanation: Rewording for clarity and formality, avoiding redundancy.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the question. It recognizes the reasons for animal species extinction (overhunting, habitat loss, and pollution) and provides solutions (raising awareness, conservation strategies, sustainable exploitation policies, and environmental-friendly activities).
    • How to improve: To enhance comprehensiveness, the essay could delve deeper into specific examples of overhunting, habitat loss, and pollution, making the analysis more robust.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance on the reasons for animal species extinction and offers feasible solutions. However, some sentences are a bit ambiguous, and there is room for improvement in consistently reinforcing the position.
    • How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph reinforces the central message, avoiding ambiguity. Strengthening the thesis statement and revisiting it in the conclusion can enhance overall clarity.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas with reasonable development and provides examples to support arguments. However, some ideas lack in-depth exploration, and transitions between paragraphs could be smoother.
    • How to improve: Elaborate further on each idea, providing more nuanced explanations. Use transitions to guide the reader through the essay seamlessly, enhancing overall coherence.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the reasons and solutions for animal species extinction. However, some sections could be more focused, especially when discussing pollution.
    • How to improve: Tighten the focus on pollution, ensuring that each point directly relates to the impact on animal species. Avoid tangential discussions to maintain a clear and relevant argument.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt, addressing both reasons and solutions for animal species extinction. To improve, it should provide more detailed examples, reinforce the central position consistently, delve deeper into ideas, and maintain a sharper focus on the topic throughout.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably clear organization of information. The introduction provides a concise overview of the essay’s focus, and each subsequent paragraph delves into specific reasons and solutions. However, there are instances where the connection between ideas could be strengthened. For example, the transition from discussing anthropogenic causes to practical solutions could be smoother.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider providing clearer transitions between paragraphs. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea, making the progression of thoughts more coherent.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph addressing a specific aspect of the topic. However, there are a few instances where paragraph breaks could be more strategically placed to improve clarity. For instance, the transition between discussing reasons for species endangerment and proposed solutions might benefit from a more distinct paragraph break.
    • How to improve: Review the essay to ensure that each paragraph has a clear and unified focus. Consider refining paragraph breaks to signal shifts in ideas more explicitly, aiding the reader in following the essay’s structure.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as pronouns ("these problems," "they are") and transitional phrases ("Furthermore," "In a nutshell"). However, there is room for improvement in the use of cohesive devices to create stronger connections between ideas within paragraphs. For example, the transition from discussing reasons for animal endangerment to solutions could be more seamless.
    • How to improve: Work on integrating cohesive devices more effectively within and between sentences to improve the overall flow. Ensure that each paragraph is connected logically to the preceding one, using cohesive devices to guide the reader through the essay more smoothly.

In summary, the essay exhibits a generally sound organization of ideas, with logical progression and effective paragraphing. To enhance coherence and cohesion further, focus on refining transitions between ideas and paragraphs, as well as strengthening the use of cohesive devices for a more seamless reading experience.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a commendable variety of vocabulary related to the topic. There’s usage of terminology like "anthropogenic causes," "habitat loss," "aquatic life degradation," and "conservation management strategies," showcasing a breadth of vocabulary relevant to the discussion of environmental issues and extinction.
    • How to improve: While the essay showcases a broad vocabulary, refining the precision of terms and incorporating more nuanced vocabulary could elevate the lexical richness further. Exploring specific terms related to ecological impact, biodiversity, and conservation efforts can enhance the depth of expression.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The vocabulary usage is generally effective, but there are instances where the precision could be improved. For instance, phrases like "extremely development" could be refined to more accurate terms like "rapid development" or "excessive industrialization." Also, the phrase "hi-tech life" might benefit from a more precise descriptor.
    • How to improve: Encourage the use of more precise vocabulary. Suggest replacing generic terms with more specific ones that capture the intended meaning more accurately. For instance, using "cutting-edge lifestyle" or "technology-driven society" could refine the expression.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a fair level of spelling accuracy. However, there are several spelling errors and minor mistakes throughout the text, such as "extremely development" (extreme development), "habitant" (habitat), "annihilation" (annihilation), and inconsistent verb forms ("affect" instead of "effect").
    • How to improve: Encourage proofreading to catch these errors. Employing spelling and grammar checkers or revising the essay multiple times before submission can help in identifying and rectifying these spelling inaccuracies. Additionally, expanding vocabulary through reading and practicing writing can aid in overall spelling improvement.

This essay demonstrates a strong vocabulary range relevant to the topic of environmental degradation and species extinction. To further elevate the Lexical Resource band score, encourage the writer to focus on precision and accuracy in vocabulary usage while paying attention to spelling accuracy through diligent proofreading and practice.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a commendable range of sentence structures, incorporating both simple and complex constructions. It effectively employs varied sentence lengths, although there is a tendency towards longer sentences, contributing to coherence. However, some sentences lack clarity due to their complexity.
    • How to improve: To enhance variety, consider incorporating more complex sentences where appropriate, ensuring clarity and coherence. Pay attention to the balance between sentence lengths to maintain a smooth flow throughout the essay.
  • Use Grammar Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are instances of grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that slightly impede comprehension. For instance, in "Along with extremely development of industrialization and modernization," the word "extremely" seems misplaced.
    • How to improve: Carefully proofread the essay to identify and rectify grammatical errors. Consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar-check tools to polish sentence structures and improve overall accuracy.
  • Use Correct Punctuation:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a reasonable command of punctuation. Commas are generally used correctly, but there are instances where their absence or misuse affects the clarity of the sentence. For example, in "The currently biggest reason of mammal annihilation is destruction of habitat," a comma after "currently" would enhance readability.
    • How to improve: Focus on refining comma usage for better clarity. Review the essay for instances where a well-placed comma can aid in separating ideas. Additionally, ensure consistent punctuation, particularly regarding comma usage in complex sentences.

In summary, the essay achieves a band score of 7 for Grammatical Range and Accuracy, indicating a good command of language with minor areas for improvement. Strengthening sentence structure variety, addressing grammatical errors, and fine-tuning punctuation will contribute to an even more polished and effective piece of writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

The animal species are facing extinction due to human activities on land and at sea. This issue is exacerbated by the rapid development of industrialization and modernization, negatively impacting the wildlife environment, especially various animal species. Every species is on the verge of extinction. This essay discusses the reasons behind this crisis and proposes potential solutions.

The endangerment and elimination of species can be attributed to three major anthropogenic causes, including overhunting, habitat loss, and pollution. The consumption of products derived from animals, such as food and medicine, contributes significantly to this problem. Examples include the use of elephant ivory, tiger fur and organs, the popularity of tuna, and the purported medicinal benefits of shark fin. Overexploitation of these animals has pushed them to the brink of extinction. The primary factor in mammal annihilation is the destruction of habitats. Millions of hectares of agricultural and forestry lands are converted or devastated to facilitate expanding commercial activities and services, constructing new infrastructure, or building cities. Deforestation and the degradation of aquatic life pose threats to ecological progress, disrupting wildlife food chains and accelerating the path to extinction. Additionally, air pollutants like carbon monoxide, sulfur dioxide, and nitrogen oxides, emitted from factory operations and improperly treated waste disposal, contaminate soil and water with heavy metals such as mercury, cadmium, and lead, along with pesticide and herbicide compounds.

To address these issues effectively, it is imperative to raise awareness about endangered species in our area and educate others on their significance. Individuals can contribute by refusing to purchase products made from threatened species and reporting any harassment to state wildlife departments. Authorities must implement more conservation management strategies, including establishing additional reserved forests and aquacultures, enforcing sustainable exploitation policies, and promoting reforestation. In the era of technology, greater consideration should be given to investment budgets aimed at improving efficiency and productivity through scientific innovation and invention. Conserving energy resources and curbing unnecessary demands can mitigate contaminants and rectify the situation.

In conclusion, the alarming rate of extinction is a result of the synergistic interaction of various factors, with human activities playing a pivotal role. To address this crisis, it is crucial to enforce laws, promote awareness, and implement environmentally friendly solutions. Each individual should play a role in ensuring the survival of our planet’s diverse animal species.

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