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The animal species are becoming extinct. What are the reasons?

The animal species are becoming extinct. What are the reasons?

In my opinion,there are many reasons why the animal species are in danger of extinction.The first reason is the destruction of their habitats.Humans activities are usually causing wildlife extinction becoming critically endangered due to deforestation and soil,water pollution.For example,the
population of critically endangered Sumatran orangutans is now less than 10,000 on their home island of Sumatra, Indonesia, due to deforestation and farming.The second reason is humans exploiting wild animals.Uncontrolled hunting of whales in the last century fox example ,resulted in many whales species becoming critically endangered.Fox example,the ivory tusks of elephants are used to make jewelry and the price is high enough that people risk being arrested and jailed to go after these animals.By and large,the above-mentioned causes are the culprits of animal endangerment.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "In my opinion, there are many reasons why the animal species are in danger of extinction." -> "Numerous factors contribute to the endangered status of animal species."
    Explanation: The phrase "In my opinion" is subjective and unnecessary in academic writing. Replacing it with a more objective statement improves the formality of the essay. Additionally, "why the animal species are in danger of extinction" can be refined to a more concise and accurate phrase, "the endangered status of animal species."

  2. "Humans activities are usually causing wildlife extinction becoming critically endangered due to deforestation and soil, water pollution." -> "Human activities, such as deforestation and soil and water pollution, often lead to the critical endangerment and extinction of wildlife."
    Explanation: "Humans activities" should be corrected to "Human activities" for grammatical accuracy. Additionally, restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality while specifying the consequences of these activities on wildlife enhances the academic tone.

  3. "For example, the population of critically endangered Sumatran orangutans is now less than 10,000 on their home island of Sumatra, Indonesia, due to deforestation and farming." -> "For instance, the population of critically endangered Sumatran orangutans has dwindled to fewer than 10,000 on their native island of Sumatra, Indonesia, primarily as a result of deforestation and farming."
    Explanation: Replacing "For example" with "For instance" maintains the flow and introduces a specific instance to support the argument. Also, refining the phrasing for conciseness and precision improves the academic style.

  4. "Uncontrolled hunting of whales in the last century fox example, resulted in many whales species becoming critically endangered." -> "Unregulated hunting of whales in the past century, for instance, led to the critical endangerment of numerous whale species."
    Explanation: Correcting "fox example" to "for instance" and restructuring the sentence for clarity and precision. Additionally, adjusting "many whales species" to "numerous whale species" improves the academic tone.

  5. "Fox example, the ivory tusks of elephants are used to make jewelry and the price is high enough that people risk being arrested and jailed to go after these animals." -> "For example, elephant ivory tusks are utilized for jewelry-making, commanding such high prices that individuals risk legal consequences, including arrest and imprisonment, in their pursuit."
    Explanation: Correcting "Fox example" to "For example" for academic correctness and refining the sentence for better clarity and formality.

  6. "By and large, the above-mentioned causes are the culprits of animal endangerment." -> "Overall, these aforementioned factors are the primary contributors to animal endangerment."
    Explanation: Replacing "By and large" with "Overall" for a more formal tone and enhancing the phrasing to elevate the academic style.

By making these alterations, the essay adopts a more appropriate academic tone by refining vocabulary and structuring sentences for clarity, precision, and formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0 – UNDER WORD

  1. Quoted text: "In my opinion, there are many reasons why the animal species are in danger of extinction. The first reason is the destruction of their habitats. Humans activities are usually causing wildlife extinction becoming critically endangered due to deforestation and soil, water pollution. For example, the population of critically endangered Sumatran orangutans is now less than 10,000 on their home island of Sumatra, Indonesia, due to deforestation and farming. The second reason is humans exploiting wild animals. Uncontrolled hunting of whales in the last century, for example, resulted in many whale species becoming critically endangered. For example, the ivory tusks of elephants are used to make jewelry, and the price is high enough that people risk being arrested and jailed to go after these animals. By and large, the above-mentioned causes are the culprits of animal endangerment."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The essay does address the reasons behind animal endangerment, mentioning habitat destruction and exploitation of wild animals. However, the ideas lack depth and development. The examples provided are quite brief and lack elaboration. To improve, consider expanding on each reason, providing more details, and offering additional examples to strengthen your argument. For instance, instead of stating the population of Sumatran orangutans is less than 10,000, delve into the consequences of this decline on the ecosystem and the interconnectedness of species.

    • Improved example: "In my perspective, the perilous state of animal species can be attributed to various factors, primarily the rampant destruction of their habitats. Human activities, such as deforestation and soil and water pollution, pose significant threats, pushing several wildlife species, like the critically endangered Sumatran orangutans, to the brink of extinction. With their population dwindling to less than 10,000 on Sumatra, the repercussions extend beyond the orangutans themselves, affecting the delicate balance of the entire ecosystem. Another critical factor is the relentless exploitation of wild animals. Take, for example, the uncontrolled hunting of whales in the last century, leading to the critical endangerment of various whale species. Similarly, the pursuit of ivory tusks from elephants for jewelry, despite legal repercussions, showcases the extent of human impact. To curb animal endangerment, addressing these interconnected issues is imperative."

  2. Quoted text: "By and large, the above-mentioned causes are the culprits of animal endangerment."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The conclusion lacks a clear summary of the main points and fails to restate the writer’s position on the topic. To enhance the Task Response, ensure your conclusion succinctly summarizes the key reasons discussed in the essay and reiterates your stance on the issue. This helps in reinforcing the overall argument and leaving a lasting impression on the reader.

    • Improved example: "In conclusion, the critical endangerment of animal species is a consequence of human-induced habitat destruction and exploitation. The alarming decline in the population of Sumatran orangutans due to deforestation and farming, coupled with the historical overhunting of whales and the illegal trade in elephant ivory, underscores the urgent need for concerted efforts to address these issues. As responsible stewards of the planet, it is crucial for humanity to acknowledge and rectify the harmful practices that jeopardize the existence of diverse animal species. Only through collective awareness and action can we hope to mitigate the looming threat of extinction that looms over our fellow inhabitants on Earth."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion. The ideas are generally arranged in a clear progression, with a logical organization of information. However, there are instances of faulty cohesion within sentences, and the use of cohesive devices could be more effective. The paragraphing is present, but not consistently logical. The essay lacks a strong topic sentence for each paragraph, affecting the clarity of the central theme within each section. Overall, the essay meets the criteria for Band 6, but improvements in the use of cohesive devices and more logical paragraphing would enhance coherence and cohesion.

How to improve:

  1. Cohesive Devices: Work on using cohesive devices more effectively. Ensure that the connections between sentences are clear and contribute to the overall flow of ideas. This can be achieved through the use of pronouns, transitional words, and parallel structures.

  2. Logical Paragraphing: Strengthen the logical organization of paragraphs. Each paragraph should have a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea, and subsequent sentences should support and develop that idea. This will enhance the coherence within and between paragraphs.

  3. Avoid Repetition: Be cautious of repetition, as it can impact the overall flow and coherence. Ensure that ideas are presented in a varied and engaging manner.

  4. Explicit Topic Sentences: Begin each paragraph with a clear and explicit topic sentence that conveys the main idea of the paragraph. This will contribute to a more cohesive structure and help readers follow the progression of your arguments more easily.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing for flexibility and precision in expression. The writer uses less common lexical items with some awareness of style and collocation. The inclusion of specific examples, such as the critically endangered Sumatran orangutans and the hunting of whales, enhances the essay’s lexical richness. However, there are occasional errors in word choice and word formation, such as the repetition of "for example" and "fox example." Despite these errors, the essay maintains clarity and effectively conveys the reasons for animal endangerment.

How to improve:
To enhance the lexical resource, the writer can focus on diversifying sentence structures and avoiding repetitive phrases. Proofreading for word choice and word formation errors, such as the incorrect usage of "fox example," will contribute to a more polished lexical presentation. Additionally, incorporating a wider variety of vocabulary, especially in connecting ideas and transitions, can further elevate the lexical range.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a good range of sentence structures, incorporating both simple and complex forms. There is evidence of complex structures, such as the use of subordinate clauses and varied sentence beginnings. While there are instances of minor errors, they do not significantly impede communication. The writer effectively controls grammar and punctuation, contributing to overall clarity.

How to improve:
To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, consider proofreading for minor errors, such as missing spaces after commas and the inconsistent use of spaces after periods. Additionally, strive for more precise word choices to further elevate the vocabulary and expression. Expanding on complex sentence structures can add sophistication to the essay. Overall, maintaining consistency in punctuation and refining the language will contribute to achieving a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

In my view, there are several reasons why animal species face the threat of extinction. The primary factor is the destruction of their habitats, often caused by human activities. Deforestation and pollution of soil and water are significant contributors. For instance, the population of the critically endangered Sumatran orangutans has dwindled to less than 10,000 on their home island of Sumatra, Indonesia, primarily due to deforestation and farming.

The second key reason is the exploitation of wild animals by humans. Uncontrolled hunting, as seen in the last century with whales, has led to the critical endangerment of many whale species. As an illustration, the ivory tusks of elephants are sought after for jewelry, commanding high prices that drive people to risk arrest and imprisonment in pursuit of these animals.

In summary, the aforementioned factors are the primary contributors to the endangerment of animal species. Addressing these issues is crucial for the preservation of our diverse wildlife.

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