The availability of entertainment such as playing electronic games on portable devices will be harmful to individuals in the society they live in. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
In today’s world, along with the proliferation of technologies, numerous online entertainment games have been produced. Hence, while there are some upsides to playing online games, I maintain the opinion that the downsides will likely be more significance.
On the one hand, playing online games is directly attributable to physical health. The first and foremost reason is overplaying, which is associated with a sedentary lifestyle on account of spending plenty of time playing online games. It is undeniable that overplaying is one of the negative factors carrying a high risk of chronic diseases. This can be interpreted by the fact that an overplaying person can directly lead to addiction which causes obesity due to the sedentary lifestyle and imbalanced diet. Moreover, spending long hours on using electronic gadgets is prone to social isolation. This is because they just spend their time on playing games, and have nearly no attention for their family and friends. The less they show attentiveness to their relationships, the less close-knit relationships they will receive. Consequently, engaging in electronic games can result in depression.
On the other hand, despite the negative impacts of playing online games, it positively contributes to entertain for people in daily life. It is undoubtedly that online games may reduce the stress for people after an overwhelming workload. For instance, Minecraft, which is a renowned game, has an online community worldwide, so all the players from different countries are able to interact together and alleviate stress by chatting and widening international relationships. Therefore, people can find like-minded people and entertainment.
In conclusion, while playing games can provide the relaxation for people after hardship, it still impacts on people’s life by depression and social isolation
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Errors and Improvements:
"numerous online entertainment games" -> "a myriad of online entertainment games"
Explanation: Replacing "numerous" with "a myriad of" adds sophistication to the language, making it more formal and academic.
"I maintain the opinion that the downsides will likely be more significance" -> "I contend that the drawbacks are likely to be more significant"
Explanation: Substituting "maintain the opinion" with "contend" and replacing "more significance" with "more significant" enhances formality and precision in expressing the viewpoint.
"On the one hand" -> "Firstly"
Explanation: Replacing the informal expression "On the one hand" with "Firstly" aligns with a more formal structure commonly used in academic writing.
"The first and foremost reason is overplaying" -> "The primary reason is excessive gaming"
Explanation: Replacing "first and foremost" with "primary" and changing "overplaying" to "excessive gaming" maintains clarity while using more formal language.
"It is undeniable that overplaying is one of the negative factors carrying a high risk of chronic diseases" -> "Undoubtedly, excessive gaming poses a significant risk of chronic diseases."
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and replacing "It is undeniable that" with "Undoubtedly" contributes to a more formal and direct expression.
"This can be interpreted by the fact that" -> "This is evidenced by"
Explanation: Substituting "can be interpreted by the fact that" with "is evidenced by" streamlines the sentence and introduces a more formal and concise expression.
"overplaying person" -> "individual engaged in excessive gaming"
Explanation: Replacing "overplaying person" with "individual engaged in excessive gaming" is more specific and formal.
"they just spend their time on playing games" -> "they solely devote their time to playing games"
Explanation: Changing "just spend their time on playing games" to "solely devote their time to playing games" adds formality and precision to the statement.
"less close-knit relationships they will receive" -> "diminished closeness in their relationships"
Explanation: Replacing "less close-knit relationships they will receive" with "diminished closeness in their relationships" offers a more formal and nuanced expression.
"positively contributes to entertain for people" -> "positively contributes to the entertainment of people"
Explanation: Adjusting "contributes to entertain for people" to "contributes to the entertainment of people" ensures grammatical accuracy and formality.
"It is undoubtedly that" -> "Undoubtedly,"
Explanation: Removing "It is" and starting with "Undoubtedly," improves the sentence’s conciseness and formality.
"For instance" -> "For example"
Explanation: Substituting "For instance" with "For example" is a more formal way to introduce an illustrative example in academic writing.
"widening international relationships" -> "cultivating international relationships"
Explanation: Replacing "widening" with "cultivating" maintains the meaning while using a more formal and precise term.
"while playing games can provide the relaxation for people after hardship" -> "although playing games can offer relaxation to individuals after facing hardships"
Explanation: Replacing "provide the relaxation for people" with "offer relaxation to individuals" and restructuring the sentence improves formality and clarity.
"it still impacts on people’s life by depression and social isolation" -> "it still affects individuals’ lives through depression and social isolation"
Explanation: Substituting "impacts on people’s life by" with "affects individuals’ lives through" enhances formality and precision.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Task Response: 6
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both sides of the argument by discussing the negative impacts of playing online games (sedentary lifestyle, addiction, obesity, social isolation, and depression) as well as acknowledging the positive aspects (stress reduction, community building, and international relationships).
- How to improve: While the essay covers both perspectives, it could benefit from providing a more balanced discussion. Additionally, the introduction could be clearer in expressing the author’s position on the topic.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, expressing a belief in the negative consequences of playing online games.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, the author might consider explicitly stating their position in the introduction and reiterating it in the conclusion. This ensures a consistent stance is evident to the reader.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas with some development, providing examples and reasoning for both the positive and negative aspects of playing online games.
- How to improve: To improve, the author could offer more depth in the development of ideas. For instance, providing specific examples of how social isolation and depression can result from excessive gaming would enhance the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic, discussing the effects of playing online games on individuals and society as prompted.
- How to improve: While the essay is generally focused, the author should avoid vague statements and ensure that each point directly relates to the prompt. A more direct connection between the negative consequences discussed and their impact on society could strengthen the argument.
Overall Comments: The essay demonstrates a reasonable understanding of the prompt and adequately addresses both sides of the argument. To improve, focus on a more balanced discussion, clearer expression of the author’s position, and deeper development of ideas with specific examples. Additionally, ensure that every point directly contributes to the overall argument.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a basic level of logical organization. The introduction sets the stage for the discussion, presenting the writer’s stance. However, there is a need for improvement in the body paragraphs. The organization within each paragraph lacks clear transitions between ideas, resulting in a somewhat disjointed flow. For example, the shift from discussing physical health impacts to social isolation could be smoother.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider establishing a clear structure for each body paragraph. Start with a topic sentence, provide supporting details, and conclude with a sentence that links back to the main argument. Additionally, use transition words and phrases to guide the reader through the essay seamlessly.
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively employs paragraphs, but there is room for improvement in the structure and coherence within each paragraph. The lack of distinct topic sentences and clear organization within paragraphs hinders the overall effectiveness of the essay. The ideas within paragraphs should be more tightly connected to strengthen the essay’s coherence.
- How to improve: Focus on creating well-structured paragraphs. Begin each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea. Follow this with supporting details and examples, ensuring a logical flow of ideas. Revise transitions between paragraphs to enhance the overall coherence of the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses a limited range of cohesive devices. While there are some attempts to connect ideas using phrases like "on the one hand" and "on the other hand," the essay lacks diversity in cohesive devices. This impacts the overall coherence as the connections between sentences and ideas are somewhat weak.
- How to improve: Diversify your use of cohesive devices. Incorporate a variety of transition words and phrases such as "furthermore," "however," and "in conclusion" to create smoother connections between sentences and paragraphs. This will enhance the overall flow of the essay and make it more cohesive.
In summary, the essay demonstrates a basic level of coherence and cohesion but could benefit from a more structured approach to organization, improved paragraphing techniques, and a broader use of cohesive devices to strengthen the overall flow and connection of ideas.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use varied words and phrases, but the diversity is limited. For example, the repeated use of "online games" could be replaced with alternatives such as "electronic games" or "digital games" to enhance variety.
- How to improve: To improve this aspect, consider incorporating more precise and varied vocabulary. Instead of repeating phrases, explore synonyms and related terms to express ideas more richly. For instance, when discussing the negative impacts, use words like "adverse effects" or "detrimental consequences" to avoid repetition.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The precision of vocabulary usage is generally adequate. However, there are instances where the choice of words could be more specific. For example, the term "upsides" could be replaced with "benefits" for greater clarity. Additionally, the phrase "overplaying person" might be refined to "individuals who engage in excessive gaming."
- How to improve: Focus on selecting words that precisely convey your intended meaning. Instead of general terms, opt for more specific ones to enhance the clarity of your ideas. Review your essay for instances where words or phrases could be substituted with more precise alternatives.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is generally sound throughout the essay. However, there are a few instances where errors occur, such as "significance" instead of "significant" and "entertain" instead of "entertaining." Consistent attention to detail is needed to ensure a higher level of spelling accuracy.
- How to improve: To improve spelling, carefully proofread your essay before submission. Utilize spell-check tools, and pay close attention to commonly misspelled words. Consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing language learning apps to enhance spelling proficiency. Regular practice and awareness will contribute to improved spelling skills.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of lexical resource. To enhance your score, focus on incorporating a broader range of vocabulary, using words more precisely, and maintaining consistent spelling accuracy throughout your writing.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a moderate variety of sentence structures. There is an attempt to use complex structures, such as dependent clauses, but these instances are somewhat limited. For instance, in the opening paragraph, the complex sentence, "In today’s world, along with the proliferation of technologies, numerous online entertainment games have been produced," shows an effort to vary structure. However, the overall essay tends to rely on simple sentences, impacting the overall range of structures.
How to improve: To enhance grammatical range, consider incorporating a more extensive range of sentence structures. Introduce compound and complex sentences for a more sophisticated expression of ideas. For instance, vary sentence length and structure within paragraphs to create a more engaging and varied narrative.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair level of grammatical accuracy, but there are noticeable errors throughout. For example, the phrase "the downsides will likely be more significance" should read "the downsides will likely be more significant." There are also instances of missing articles and prepositions, impacting the overall precision of expression.
How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to carefully proofread the essay. Pay attention to articles, prepositions, and subject-verb agreement. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar-check tools to catch and correct errors. Reviewing and editing the essay before submission will help in producing a more polished and accurate piece.
Overall, while the essay effectively communicates its main points, enhancing sentence variety and grammatical accuracy will contribute to a more refined and compelling piece of writing.
Bài sửa mẫu
In today’s technologically advanced world, the rise of various online entertainment games is evident. While there are some positive aspects to playing these games, I contend that the drawbacks are likely to be more significant.
Firstly, the primary reason behind my perspective is excessive gaming, which directly affects physical health. Undoubtedly, spending an excessive amount of time playing online games contributes to a sedentary lifestyle, posing a significant risk of chronic diseases. This is evidenced by individuals engaged in excessive gaming who solely devote their time to playing games, leading to issues such as obesity due to an imbalanced diet and lack of physical activity. Moreover, the prolonged use of electronic gadgets is prone to social isolation, as individuals immersed in gaming may neglect their family and friends. The diminished closeness in their relationships can ultimately result in depression.
On the flip side, despite the negative impacts of playing online games, it undeniably contributes to the entertainment of people in their daily lives. For example, online games like Minecraft have a myriad of players worldwide, fostering an online community where individuals from different countries can interact and cultivate international relationships. Although playing games can offer relaxation to individuals after facing hardships, it still affects individuals’ lives through depression and social isolation.
In conclusion, while online games may provide relaxation for people after hardship, the adverse effects on physical and mental well-being, such as depression and social isolation, cannot be overlooked. Therefore, it is crucial to strike a balance and be mindful of the potential drawbacks associated with excessive gaming.