The bar chart below shows the number of students entering their first year at 4 local secondary schools in September 2021. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The bar chart below shows the number of students entering their first year at 4 local secondary schools in September 2021. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The diagram illustrates the number of first-year students of both genders attending 4 local secondary schools in September 2021.
Overall, there is a significant variation in the figures for the four schools. Stanbridge School has the highest number of students participating while Groveno School has the lowest population, and two other schools have a difference in the number of students of the opposite sex.
To begin with, while the Stanbridge School has the highest population of both boy and girl students which it has 96 boys and girls attending in September 2021, the Grovenor School has the lowest number of students, it only has 66 students with 33 boys and 33 girls which is less than nearly three times as much as in Stanbridge.
Looking at the second variable, there is an opposite between the Newton school and the Botley School. While Newton school has only 35 female students, less than twice as many as boys which is 78 students, the Botley school has 78 female students, more than the number of male students which has only 66 students.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"the number of first-year students of both genders" -> "the number of first-year students of each gender"
Explanation: "Both genders" can imply a binary understanding, while "each gender" is more precise and avoids ambiguity, especially in a contemporary context. -
"significant variation in the figures" -> "notable variation in the data"
Explanation: "Notable" is more formal than "significant" in this context, and "data" is a more precise term than "figures," which can be vague. -
"participating while Groveno School has the lowest population" -> "enrolled, whereas Groveno School has the lowest enrollment"
Explanation: "Enrolled" is more specific than "participating," which can imply active involvement rather than mere attendance. "Whereas" is more formal than "while," and "enrollment" is a more precise term than "population." -
"the highest population of both boy and girl students which it has 96 boys and girls attending" -> "the highest enrollment of both male and female students, with 96 students attending"
Explanation: "Enrollment" is more academically appropriate than "population," and "male and female" is more formal than "boy and girl." The phrase is restructured for clarity and conciseness. -
"it only has 66 students with 33 boys and 33 girls which is less than nearly three times as much as in Stanbridge" -> "it has only 66 students, comprising 33 males and 33 females, which is nearly one-third of the enrollment at Stanbridge"
Explanation: The phrase is restructured for clarity and precision. "Comprising" is more formal than "with," and "nearly one-third" is a clearer mathematical comparison than "less than nearly three times as much." -
"there is an opposite between the Newton school and the Botley School" -> "there is a contrast between Newton School and Botley School"
Explanation: "Contrast" is a more academically appropriate term than "opposite," which can be vague. The article "the" is unnecessary before "Newton School." -
"less than twice as many as boys which is 78 students" -> "fewer than half the number of male students, which is 78"
Explanation: "Fewer than half" is a clearer expression than "less than twice as many," improving precision in the comparison. -
"the Botley school has 78 female students, more than the number of male students which has only 66 students" -> "Botley School has 78 female students, exceeding the number of male students, which is only 66"
Explanation: "Exceeding" is a more formal and precise term than "more than," and the structure is improved for clarity and flow.
By implementing these changes, the essay will reflect a more formal academic tone, enhancing clarity and precision in the presentation of data.
Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6
Explanation: The essay addresses the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the main features of the bar chart. The essay also makes comparisons between the schools, but the details are not always accurate or relevant. For example, the essay states that the Grovenor School has the lowest number of students, which is true, but it also states that it has less than three times as many students as Stanbridge School, which is not accurate.
How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more accurate and relevant details. For example, the essay could state that the Grovenor School has less than half the number of students as Stanbridge School. The essay could also be improved by using more precise language. For example, instead of saying "there is an opposite between the Newton school and the Botley School," the essay could say "the Newton School has a higher proportion of male students than female students, while the Botley School has a higher proportion of female students than male students."
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5
Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. The ideas are somewhat connected, but the transitions between sentences and paragraphs are not always clear, leading to confusion in understanding the relationships between the data presented. There is an attempt to use cohesive devices, but their use is often inaccurate or repetitive, which detracts from the overall coherence. Additionally, the paragraphing is present but not always logical, as some ideas could be better grouped together for clarity.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on clearly organizing ideas and ensuring logical progression throughout the essay. This can be achieved by using a wider range of cohesive devices appropriately and avoiding redundancy. Improving paragraph structure by grouping related ideas together and ensuring each paragraph has a clear central topic will also help. Lastly, refining the use of referencing and substitution will contribute to a smoother flow of information.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5
Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to describe the data, the language used is basic and repetitive, with several noticeable errors in word choice and sentence structure. For instance, phrases like "it has 96 boys and girls attending" could be more clearly articulated. Additionally, there are issues with spelling and word formation, such as "Grovenor School" instead of "Groveno School," which may cause some confusion for the reader. Overall, the vocabulary used does not effectively convey precise meanings or demonstrate a higher level of lexical resource.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider range of vocabulary, including less common lexical items, and ensure accurate word choice and collocation. Additionally, varying sentence structures and reducing repetitive phrases will improve clarity and sophistication. Proofreading for spelling and grammatical accuracy will also help in minimizing errors that could impede communication.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5
Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, with attempts at complex sentences that are not consistently accurate. While the writer attempts to convey comparisons and data, frequent grammatical errors, such as incorrect subject-verb agreement and awkward phrasing, hinder clarity. For instance, phrases like "it has 96 boys and girls attending" and "it only has 66 students with 33 boys and 33 girls" display confusion in sentence structure. Additionally, punctuation errors are present, which can cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the intended meaning.
How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on using a wider variety of sentence structures, including more complex forms, while ensuring they are grammatically correct. Practicing subject-verb agreement and refining sentence clarity will help reduce errors. Additionally, reviewing punctuation rules will aid in improving overall readability. Engaging with model essays and seeking feedback can also provide valuable insights for improvement.
Bài sửa mẫu
The diagram illustrates the number of first-year students of both genders attending four local secondary schools in September 2021.
Overall, there is a significant variation in the figures for the four schools. Stanbridge School has the highest number of students, while Groveno School has the lowest population. Additionally, the other two schools exhibit contrasting gender distributions among their students.
To begin with, Stanbridge School has the largest population of both boys and girls, with a total of 96 students attending in September 2021. In contrast, Groveno School has the fewest students, with only 66 in total, comprising 33 boys and 33 girls, which is nearly three times fewer than Stanbridge.
Examining the second variable, there is a notable contrast between Newton School and Botley School. Newton School has only 35 female students, which is less than halfthe number of boys, totaling 78 students. Conversely, Botley School has 78 female students, exceeding the number of male students, which stands at only 66.
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