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The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar chart illustrates the percent of Autralian men and women who in different age groups, did exercise regularly in 2010.

In the overall, almost the number of women did physical activity. However, from 65 and more, the percentage of men and women saw a similar data.

Regarding, the first things easily to observe is the percent of women who often did exercise, slightly fluctuated. From 15 to 24, 47.7 % was the data of Autralian female doing physical activity. It witness a slight increase following age. The percentage of them reached the peak in the age from 45 to 54, at 53.3. When they were older, this statistics started decreasing.

Arcording to others, the data of men who did exercise was opposite with that of women. From 15 to 24, Autralian male doing physical exercise is less about 5% than that of women. The significant mark is it hit the lowest point from 35 to 44 age. From that. The statistics still grew until having the similar number with that of women.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "percent of Autralian men and women who in different age groups, did exercise regularly" -> "percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who exercised regularly"
    Explanation: "Percent" is typically used in informal contexts; "percentage" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing. Additionally, "who in different age groups, did exercise" is awkwardly structured; "in different age groups who exercised" improves clarity and flow.

  2. "In the overall, almost the number of women did physical activity." -> "Overall, a greater number of women engaged in physical activity."
    Explanation: "In the overall" is an unnatural phrasing; "Overall" is more concise. "Almost the number of women" is vague; "a greater number of women" provides clarity and specificity. "Did physical activity" is less formal; "engaged in physical activity" is more appropriate for academic writing.

  3. "the percentage of men and women saw a similar data." -> "the percentages of men and women exhibited similar trends."
    Explanation: "Saw a similar data" is incorrect; "exhibited similar trends" accurately describes the comparison being made and uses more precise language.

  4. "the first things easily to observe is the percent of women who often did exercise, slightly fluctuated." -> "the first observation is that the percentage of women who regularly exercised fluctuated slightly."
    Explanation: "The first things easily to observe" is awkward; "the first observation is that" is clearer. "Percent" should be "percentage" for formality, and "often did exercise" is less precise than "regularly exercised."

  5. "It witness a slight increase following age." -> "It witnessed a slight increase with age."
    Explanation: "Witness" is incorrectly used here; "witnessed" is the correct past tense form. "Following age" is awkward; "with age" is more natural.

  6. "this statistics started decreasing." -> "this statistic began to decrease."
    Explanation: "This statistics" is incorrect because "statistics" is plural; "this statistic" is singular and correct. "Started decreasing" is less formal than "began to decrease."

  7. "Arcording to others, the data of men who did exercise was opposite with that of women." -> "In contrast, the data for men who exercised was opposite to that of women."
    Explanation: "Arcording to others" is misspelled and vague; "In contrast" is more precise. "The data of men who did exercise" is awkward; "the data for men who exercised" is clearer. "Was opposite with" should be "was opposite to" for correct prepositional usage.

  8. "less about 5% than that of women." -> "approximately 5% lower than that of women."
    Explanation: "Less about 5%" is awkward and unclear; "approximately 5% lower" is more precise and formal.

  9. "The significant mark is it hit the lowest point from 35 to 44 age." -> "A significant point is that it reached the lowest percentage among individuals aged 35 to 44."
    Explanation: "The significant mark is it hit" is informal and awkward; "A significant point is that it reached" is clearer and more formal. "Lowest point from 35 to 44 age" should be "lowest percentage among individuals aged 35 to 44" for clarity and correctness.

  10. "From that. The statistics still grew until having the similar number with that of women." -> "From that point, the statistics continued to grow until they reached a similar number to that of women."
    Explanation: "From that." is a fragment; "From that point," is a complete phrase. "Still grew until having the similar number with" is awkward; "continued to grow until they reached a similar number to" is clearer and more formal.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4

Explanation: The essay attempts to address the task but does not cover all key features/bullet points. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the main trends in the data. The essay also confuses key features/bullet points with detail. For example, the essay states that "the percentage of women who often did exercise, slightly fluctuated" but does not provide any specific data to support this claim. The essay also states that "the data of men who did exercise was opposite with that of women" but does not provide any specific comparisons between the two groups.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends in the data. The essay could also be improved by providing more specific data to support the claims made. For example, the essay could state that "the percentage of women who did regular physical activity increased from 47.7% in the 15 to 24 age group to 53.3% in the 45 to 54 age group". The essay could also provide more specific comparisons between the two groups. For example, the essay could state that "the percentage of men who did regular physical activity was lower than the percentage of women in all age groups except for the 65 and over age group".

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While it attempts to compare the physical activity levels between men and women, the connections between ideas are not always clear, leading to confusion. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, which affects the clarity of the comparisons made. Additionally, paragraphing is present but not always logical, as the ideas do not flow smoothly from one to the next.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on clearly structuring the essay with logical progression of ideas. This can be achieved by using more varied and appropriate cohesive devices to connect sentences and paragraphs. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that comparisons are explicitly stated will improve clarity. Finally, proofreading for grammatical errors and ensuring accurate terminology will help convey the intended message more effectively.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to convey the main features of the bar chart, the vocabulary used is often basic and repetitive. There are noticeable errors in spelling (e.g., "Autralian" instead of "Australian"), word formation, and grammatical structure that may cause some difficulty for the reader. Additionally, the use of phrases like "the first things easily to observe" is awkward and lacks clarity. The essay does show some attempt to use less common vocabulary, but inaccuracies detract from the overall effectiveness.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary, including more sophisticated and precise terms. They should also focus on improving spelling and grammatical accuracy to avoid confusion. Practicing the use of varied sentence structures and ensuring that word choices are appropriate for the context can significantly elevate the quality of the writing. Additionally, using synonyms and avoiding repetition will help to create a more engaging and polished essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily using simple sentences with some attempts at complex forms. However, there are frequent grammatical errors, including issues with subject-verb agreement, incorrect word forms, and punctuation mistakes. These errors occasionally hinder communication, making it difficult for the reader to fully grasp the intended meaning. While the essay conveys some relevant information, the inaccuracies in grammar and sentence structure detract from its overall clarity and coherence.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:

  1. Expand Sentence Variety: Incorporate a wider range of complex sentence structures to improve the overall fluency and sophistication of the writing.
  2. Grammar Review: Pay attention to common grammatical rules, such as subject-verb agreement and the correct use of tenses, to reduce errors.
  3. Punctuation Practice: Ensure proper use of punctuation marks to clarify meaning and improve readability.
  4. Proofreading: Take time to review the essay for any errors before submission, as this can help catch mistakes that may have been overlooked during writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

The bar chart illustrates the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who engaged in regular physical activity in 2010.

Overall, a higher number of women participated in physical activity compared to men. However, for individuals aged 65 and over, the percentages of both men and women were similar.

One noticeable feature is the percentage of women who regularly exercised, which exhibited slight fluctuations. Among those aged 15 to 24, 47.7% of Australian females participated in physical activity. This figure witnessed a gradual increase with age, peaking at 53.3% for the 45 to 54 age group. After this age, the percentage began to decline.

In contrast, the data for men showed a different trend compared to that of women. For the 15 to 24 age group, Australian males engaged in physical exercise at a rate approximately 5% lower than that of females. A significant observation is that the percentage reached its lowest point for the 35 to 44 age group. From this point onward, the statistics continued to rise until they reached a level comparable to that of women.

Bài viết liên quan

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more accessible. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more…

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