The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar chart illustrates the proportion of Australian male and female's tendency to do exercises regularly in 2010.

It is clear in the chart that men mostly took the lead, except for the 15 to 24 age group. Furthermore, the group of individual from 35 to over 44 years old was likely to have remarkable difference in the number of people exercise in each gender, while it showed the most similar percentage in Australians from over 65.

Looking in details, it can be seen that the percentage of women taking regular exercises fluctuated between age classification. The number reached its peak of 53,3% at women in the age of 45 to 54, while reached a trough of nearly 50% in over 65 female.

The percentage of Australian male people showed the resemble figure in the group of people from at least 65 years old. Nevertheless, it was a downward trend in the number of men taking physical activity regularly from 15 to 44 years old sections, from 52.8% to approximately 40%. However, the proportion increased when coming to other groups from 45 to over 65 years old, up to nearly half of the population in Australia.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"tendency to do exercises" -> "propensity for regular exercise"
Explanation: "Tendency to do exercises" is a bit informal and lacks precision. "Propensity for regular exercise" conveys the idea more formally and precisely.
"took the lead" -> "dominated"
Explanation: "Took the lead" is more commonly used in contexts of competition or leadership. "Dominated" is a stronger and more appropriate term to describe the situation where men had a higher proportion of regular exercise.
"individual" -> "individuals"
Explanation: "Individual" should be pluralized to match the plural subject "group."
"remarkable difference" -> "significant disparity"
Explanation: "Remarkable difference" is somewhat vague. "Significant disparity" provides a clearer indication of the contrast in the number of people exercising.
"similar percentage" -> "comparable percentage"
Explanation: "Similar percentage" could be interpreted as indicating identical percentages, which may not be the case. "Comparable percentage" acknowledges that there is some likeness but allows for slight differences.
"Looking in details" -> "Upon closer examination" or "Upon detailed scrutiny"
Explanation: "Looking in details" is an informal phrase. "Upon closer examination" or "Upon detailed scrutiny" maintains formality and clarity.
"reached its peak" -> "peaked"
Explanation: "Reached its peak" is redundant. "Peaked" suffices to convey the highest point.
"a trough of nearly 50%" -> "a low point of almost 50%"
Explanation: "Trough" might not be familiar to all readers. "Low point" is more universally understood. Additionally, "almost" is more precise than "nearly."
"resemble figure" -> "similar pattern"
Explanation: "Resemble figure" is awkward and unclear. "Similar pattern" conveys the idea of likeness more effectively.
"a downward trend" -> "a declining trend"
Explanation: "Downward trend" is a common phrase, but "declining trend" offers a more precise description of the decrease.
"physical activity" -> "exercise regimen"
Explanation: "Physical activity" is a broad term that includes various movements. "Exercise regimen" specifically refers to planned physical activities aimed at improving health or fitness.
"up to nearly half of the population" -> "approaching nearly half of the population"
Explanation: "Up to" suggests a limit, while "approaching" better conveys the idea of nearing but not necessarily reaching the exact value.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

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Band Score: 6

Explanation:
The essay addresses the requirements of the task by presenting information from the bar chart that compares the physical activity levels among different age groups of Australian men and women in 2010. The candidate provides an overview and attempts to highlight key features and trends, such as the lead of men in most age groups and the peak participation rates of women aged 45 to 54.

However, the presentation of data and trends could be more accurate and relevant. There are some issues with clarity and the preciseness of data presentation. For example, the phrase "the number reached its peak of 53,3% at women in the age of 45 to 54" could be expressed more clearly and accurately as "the highest participation rate for women was 53.3% in the 45 to 54 age group." Additionally, there are minor grammatical errors and inappropriate use of language, such as "male people" and "resemble figure," which impact the overall clarity and professionalism of the report.

How to improve:
To improve and potentially reach a higher band score, the essay should focus on enhancing the accuracy and relevance of the details provided. It’s crucial to present data in a precise manner, ensuring that all percentages and comparisons are clearly linked to the correct age groups and genders as presented in the chart. Additionally, improving language accuracy by avoiding colloquial expressions and ensuring grammatical correctness would enhance the clarity and formality of the report. Structuring the essay with distinct paragraphs for each main trend or group, and avoiding the mixing of age groups in explanations, would also help in achieving a more organized and coherent presentation.
]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation:
The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, with a clear overall progression. It begins with an introduction that outlines the main features of the bar chart and proceeds to provide an overview of the data. Each paragraph focuses on a specific age group and gender, maintaining a logical organization throughout the essay. However, there are instances of faulty cohesion within and between sentences, such as awkward phrasing and unclear pronoun references. For example, the phrase "it is clear in the chart" could be replaced with a more direct statement. Additionally, there is some inconsistency in the use of cohesive devices, which affects the overall flow of the essay.

How to improve:
To improve coherence and cohesion, ensure that each sentence flows smoothly into the next, and use cohesive devices consistently and appropriately. Clarify pronoun references to avoid confusion, and consider restructuring sentences for clarity and coherence. Additionally, pay attention to paragraphing to ensure logical organization and coherence within and between paragraphs.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, employing varied terms such as "proportion," "tendency," and "remarkable difference." There is an attempt to use less common vocabulary, though with some inaccuracies, as seen in "resemble figure" instead of "similar figure." Some errors in word choice and word formation are noticeable, such as "individual" instead of "individuals" and "taking the lead" instead of "taking the lead in." Despite these issues, communication remains clear.

How to improve: To improve lexical resource, aim for more precise and accurate word choices and collocations. Use complex vocabulary and phrases more consistently and appropriately throughout the essay. Proofreading for errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation would enhance clarity and overall lexical quality.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, including some attempts at complex sentences. There are errors in grammar and punctuation, but they rarely reduce communication. The essay provides a general overview of the data presented in the bar chart, describing trends in physical activity among different age groups and genders in Australia in 2010.

How to improve:
To improve the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on using a wider variety of complex structures and ensuring greater accuracy in grammar and punctuation. They should also aim to clarify their ideas and improve the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay. Additionally, attention to detail, such as ensuring subject-verb agreement and using appropriate articles, will help enhance the clarity and accuracy of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided bar chart delineates the distribution of Australian men and women engaged in regular physical activity throughout 2010.

Overall, it is evident that men predominated in regular exercise participation, with the exception of the 15 to 24 age bracket. Notably, the age group spanning from 35 to over 44 years exhibited considerable gender disparities in exercise habits, while parity was observed among Australians aged 65 and above.

Upon closer examination, the percentage of women partaking in regular exercise varied across age cohorts. The highest participation rate, at 53.3%, was recorded among women aged 45 to 54, while the lowest, hovering around 50%, was observed among females over 65.

Conversely, the proportion of Australian men engaging in regular physical activity exhibited a declining trend from ages 15 to 44, plummeting from 52.8% to approximately 40%. However, this trend reversed beyond the age of 44, with participation rates approaching half of the population among those aged 45 and older, mirroring the pattern observed among individuals aged 65 and above.