The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physiscal activity in 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The chart illustrates the engagement in regular physical activity among Australian men and women across various age groups in the year 2010.
Overall, participating in regular physical activity tends to decline with increasing age for both genders. Women consistently exhibit a higher proportion of participation compared to men in all age groups, except the age from 15 to 24.
Among the youngest age group (15 to 24), the disparity in activity levels in most pronounced, with 52,8% of men engaging compared to 47,7% of women. Opposite changes can be seen that the participation rates have a significant change for both genders in the 25 to 34 and 35 to 44 age groups, decreasing only around 40% for men but the proportion of women who did this activity, saw a dramatic rise, about over 50%.
A more significant decline in participation is observed in the 45 to 54 age groups, with a drop to 43,1% for men. While the upward trend has a slight increase for both genders in the 55 to 64 or 65 and over, approximately 45% for men. In contrast, the femal in the age groups ranging from 45 to 54 and 54 to 64, the participation rates remained stably, around 53%. However, the oldest age group ( 65 and over) accounted for 47,1% of women engaging in regular physical activity.

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Errors and Improvements:

"engagement in regular physical activity" -> "participation in regular physical exercise"
Explanation: "Engagement" might imply a broader range of activities, while "participation" specifically refers to involvement in a particular activity. "Exercise" is a more precise term for physical activity aimed at improving health and fitness.
"exhibit a higher proportion of participation" -> "demonstrate a greater rate of participation"
Explanation: "Exhibit" can imply a mere display, while "demonstrate" suggests a more active showing. "Rate" is a more precise term to indicate the extent of participation.
"the disparity in activity levels in most pronounced" -> "the difference in activity levels is most pronounced"
Explanation: "Disparity" refers to inequality or contrast, but "difference" is more appropriate here to indicate the contrast in activity levels. "Most pronounced" should follow the subject "difference" for clearer syntax.
"Opposite changes can be seen that the participation rates have a significant change" -> "Conversely, there is a significant shift in participation rates"
Explanation: "Opposite changes can be seen" is redundant and lacks clarity. "Conversely" effectively introduces a contrasting idea. "Shift" is a more precise term than "change" to indicate a significant alteration.
"the participation rates have a significant change for both genders" -> "there is a significant change in participation rates for both genders"
Explanation: Placing "significant change" before "participation rates" enhances clarity and readability.
"saw a dramatic rise, about over 50%" -> "experienced a dramatic increase, surpassing 50%"
Explanation: "Saw" is too informal in this context. "Experienced" is more suitable for describing a change. "Surpassing" emphasizes that the increase went beyond a certain threshold.
"A more significant decline in participation" -> "A sharper decline in participation"
Explanation: "More significant" can be vague, while "sharper" adds precision by indicating a more pronounced decrease.
"While the upward trend has a slight increase" -> "Meanwhile, there is a slight increase in the upward trend"
Explanation: Rearranging the sentence for better clarity and flow. "Upward trend" and "slight increase" should be closer for smoother readability.
"the femal in the age groups ranging from 45 to 54 and 54 to 64" -> "females in the age groups ranging from 45 to 54 and 55 to 64"
Explanation: Correcting the spelling of "female" and ensuring consistency in age group descriptions.
"the participation rates remained stably" -> "the participation rates remained stable"
Explanation: "Stably" is an adverb; however, the adjective "stable" is needed to modify the noun "participation rates."
"the oldest age group (65 and over) accounted for 47,1%" -> "the oldest age group (65 and over) accounted for 47.1%"
Explanation: Using the correct punctuation format for decimals (using a period instead of a comma).
"engaging in regular physical activity" -> "participating in regular physical activity"
Explanation: "Engaging" can imply a more active involvement, while "participating" is more commonly used to describe involvement in activities.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

[
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay addresses the requirements of the task by summarizing the main features of the bar chart, including trends in participation in regular physical activity among Australian men and women across different age groups in 2010. The overview is adequate, presenting information appropriately selected from the chart. Key features such as the overall decline in participation with increasing age and the gender disparities are highlighted. However, there are some inaccuracies and inconsistencies in the presentation of details, such as incorrect percentages and unclear comparisons.
How to improve: To improve, ensure accuracy in presenting data from the chart. Avoid discrepancies in percentages and inconsistencies in comparisons. Provide a clearer and more cohesive overview of the main trends without introducing unnecessary details. Consider organizing the essay more logically, perhaps by grouping age groups together for easier comparison. Additionally, aim for more precise language and clearer expression throughout the essay.
]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay arranges information coherently, providing a structured overview of the data. It begins with an introductory statement summarizing the main trends. Paragraphing is used to separate key points, aiding readability. However, there are some issues with cohesion within and between sentences. For instance, the transition between discussing men’s and women’s participation could be smoother. Additionally, there are grammatical errors and inconsistencies in expression that detract from clarity and coherence. Overall, while the essay presents a clear overview of the data, improvements in cohesion and language expression are needed to achieve a higher band score.

How to improve:

Ensure clear and consistent use of cohesive devices to enhance the flow of ideas. Transition words and phrases such as "however," "in contrast," and "opposite changes" can be used to better connect sentences and ideas.
Review grammar and expression to eliminate errors and inconsistencies. Pay attention to verb tenses, subject-verb agreement, and sentence structure to improve clarity and coherence.
Use more precise and academic language where appropriate. Avoid informal expressions or phrasing that may undermine the essay’s professional tone and coherence.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary, covering the necessary terms related to the task, such as "regular physical activity," "participation rates," and age groups. Attempts are made to incorporate less common vocabulary, though with some inaccuracies, such as "pronounced" instead of "more pronounced" and "femal" instead of "female." Additionally, there are some errors in word choice and collocation, such as "Opposite changes can be seen that the participation rates have a significant change," which could be phrased more accurately. Spelling and word formation errors, like "physiscal" instead of "physical" and "femal," are present but do not severely impede communication.

How to improve:
To enhance the lexical resource, strive for greater accuracy and precision in vocabulary usage and sentence structure. Use a wider range of vocabulary with more sophistication, ensuring correct word choice and collocation. Pay attention to spelling and word formation to minimize errors that may distract the reader. Additionally, aim for a smoother flow of ideas by refining sentence structures and transitions.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, with attempts at using a variety of structures. There are instances of complex structures, such as comparisons and descriptive phrases, alongside simpler sentences. However, there are notable errors in grammar and punctuation throughout the essay, which occasionally affect clarity and communication. For instance, there are issues with subject-verb agreement, incorrect verb tense usage, and awkward phrasing. Despite these errors, the overall meaning is conveyed, and the essay maintains coherence.

How to improve: To improve the grammatical range and accuracy, focus on refining sentence structures to include a wider variety of complex structures consistently. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and punctuation. Proofreading carefully for grammatical errors and revising awkward phrasing can enhance clarity and precision in communication. Additionally, practicing writing complex sentences and seeking feedback on grammar can aid in achieving greater accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided chart delineates the involvement of Australian men and women in regular physical activity across different age brackets in 2010. Overall, a decline in regular physical activity participation is evident with advancing age among both genders. Notably, women consistently demonstrate a higher engagement rate compared to men across most age groups, except for individuals aged 15 to 24.

Among individuals aged 15 to 24, a notable gender disparity in activity levels is apparent, with 52.8% of men engaging compared to 47.7% of women. Conversely, substantial shifts are observed in the participation rates of both genders in the 25 to 34 and 35 to 44 age groups. While the participation rate for men decreases by approximately 40%, there is a significant increase of over 50% for women.

A more pronounced decline in participation is noted in the 45 to 54 age groups, with a decrease to 43.1% for men. Conversely, a slight uptick in participation is observed for both genders in the 55 to 64 and 65 and over age groups, with approximately 45% for men. Notably, female participation rates remain relatively stable around 53% in the age groups ranging from 45 to 54 and 54 to 64. However, among the oldest age group (65 and over), 47.1% of women engage in regular physical activity.