The bar chart illustrates the information about people working in five careers in one Australia area between 2001 and 2008.

The bar chart illustrates the information about people working in five careers in one area of Australia between 2001 and 2008.

Overall, it is evident that the figures for people working in accounting and farming witnessed net decreases, while those of other sectors experienced a similar upward trend, with the most remarkable increase being recorded for computing . Notably, the majority of individuals are employed in sales, whereas the opposite was true for farming.

In terms of growing work sectors, sales and nursing displayed roughly similar patterns, with both figures experiencing slight rises in the figure for employees. While the former climbed minimally from approximately 158,000 to 161,000, which was the largest figure registered on the chart, the latter rose from 58,000 to 59,000 during the surveyed period. In comparison, the figure for computing employees in 2001 was relatively comparable to that of nursing for the same year, however, this figure had climbed significantly to about 79,000 by 2008.

Concerning the remaining fields, accounting roughly doubled farming in 2001, with their respective figures being 61,000 and 29,000. After 7 years, while the number of people employed in accounting decreased slightly by 2000, that of farming declined more remarkably by 9000.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The bar chart illustrates the information about people working in five careers in one area of Australia between 2001 and 2008." -> "The bar chart presents data on the number of individuals employed in five professions in a specific region of Australia between 2001 and 2008."
Explanation: The phrase "illustrates the information about" is somewhat vague and informal. "Presents data on" is more precise and formal, fitting the academic style better.
"witnessed net decreases" -> "experienced a decline"
Explanation: "Witnessed net decreases" is an awkward and less common phrase. "Experienced a decline" is straightforward and commonly used in academic writing.
"the most remarkable increase being recorded for computing" -> "the most significant increase was recorded in computing"
Explanation: "The most remarkable increase being recorded for computing" is slightly awkward and informal. "The most significant increase was recorded in computing" is more direct and formal.
"Notably, the majority of individuals are employed in sales" -> "Notably, the majority of individuals are employed in the sales sector"
Explanation: Adding "the sales sector" clarifies the context and enhances precision.
"the opposite was true for farming" -> "the opposite was the case for agriculture"
Explanation: "Farming" is a less formal term; "agriculture" is more precise and suitable for academic writing.
"roughly similar patterns" -> "similar trends"
Explanation: "Roughly similar patterns" is somewhat informal and vague. "Similar trends" is more precise and commonly used in academic contexts.
"the largest figure registered on the chart" -> "the highest number recorded"
Explanation: "The largest figure registered on the chart" is verbose and informal. "The highest number recorded" is concise and maintains formality.
"this figure had climbed significantly" -> "this figure significantly increased"
Explanation: "This figure had climbed" is informal and less direct. "This figure significantly increased" is more direct and formal.
"roughly doubled farming" -> "approximately doubled that of farming"
Explanation: "Roughly doubled farming" is informal and unclear. "Approximately doubled that of farming" clarifies the comparison and maintains formality.
"declined more remarkably by 9000" -> "decreased more significantly by 9,000"
Explanation: "Declined more remarkably" is an awkward construction. "Decreased more significantly" is clearer and maintains the academic tone.

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the text, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation: The essay covers the requirements of the task and presents a clear overview of the main trends. It highlights key features and bullet points, but could be more fully extended. For example, the essay could provide more specific details about the changes in each sector, such as the percentage increase or decrease in employment.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific details about the changes in each sector. For example, the essay could state that the number of people employed in computing increased by approximately 50% between 2001 and 2008. The essay could also provide more comparisons between the different sectors. For example, the essay could state that the number of people employed in sales was more than twice the number of people employed in farming in 2001.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, presenting a clear overall progression from the introduction to the body paragraphs. The use of cohesive devices is effective, but there are instances where cohesion within and between sentences could be improved. For example, the transition between discussing sales and nursing could be smoother to enhance clarity. Additionally, while paragraphing is used, it is not always logical; the essay could benefit from clearer topic sentences that guide the reader through each paragraph’s main idea.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing the logical flow between ideas and ensuring that cohesive devices are used appropriately without being mechanical. Improving the clarity of referencing and substitution will also help. Furthermore, organizing paragraphs more effectively with clear topic sentences and ensuring that each paragraph maintains a central focus will contribute to a more coherent overall structure.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary that allows for some flexibility and precision in conveying information about the bar chart. The use of terms like "witnessed net decreases," "upward trend," and "remarkable increase" indicates an awareness of more sophisticated vocabulary. However, there are occasional inaccuracies in word choice, such as "the opposite was true for farming," which could be expressed more clearly. Additionally, while less common lexical items are used, they are not always employed with complete accuracy. Overall, the vocabulary used is adequate for the task, but there are some errors in word choice and minor spelling issues that prevent a higher score.

How to improve: To enhance the Lexical Resource score, the essay could incorporate a wider variety of less common vocabulary and ensure that all word choices are precise and contextually appropriate. Reducing errors in spelling and word formation would also contribute positively. Moreover, varying sentence structures and using synonyms to avoid repetition can further demonstrate a sophisticated command of vocabulary.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a variety of complex structures and produces frequent error-free sentences, which aligns well with the criteria for Band 7. The writer shows good control of grammar and punctuation, with only a few minor errors present, such as the phrase "the figures for people working in accounting and farming witnessed net decreases," which could be more clearly expressed. Overall, the grammatical range is solid, but there are instances where sentence structures could be varied further to enhance complexity.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on increasing the variety of sentence structures used throughout the essay. Incorporating more complex sentences and ensuring that any minor errors are eliminated will enhance grammatical accuracy. Additionally, refining clarity in certain phrases and ensuring that all sentences are error-free will contribute to a stronger overall performance in this criterion.

Bài sửa mẫu

The bar chart illustrates the information about people working in five careers in one area of Australia between 2001 and 2008.

Overall, it is evident that the figures for people working in accounting and farming witnessed net decreases, while those in other sectors experienced a similar upward trend, with the most remarkable increase recorded in computing. Notably, the majority of individuals were employed in sales, whereas the opposite was true for farming.

In terms of growing work sectors, sales and nursing displayed roughly similar patterns, with both figures experiencing slight rises in the number of employees. The former climbed minimally from approximately 158,000 to 161,000, which was the largest figure recorded on the chart, while the latter rose from 58,000 to 59,000 during the surveyed period. In comparison, the figure for computing employees in 2001 was relatively comparable to that of nursing for the same year; however, this figure climbed significantly to about 79,000 by 2008.

Regarding the remaining fields, accounting roughly doubled farming in 2001, with their respective figures being 61,000 and 29,000. After seven years, while the number of people employed in accounting decreased slightly by 2,000, that of farming declined more remarkably by 9,000.