The bar chart shows the different modes of transport used to travel to and from work in one European city in 1960, 1980 and 2000.

The given bar chart gives information about the percentage of different modes of vehicle, namely bus, car, bike, and foot, used to commute in one European city in three years, namely 1960, 1980, and 2000.
From an overall perspective, the percentage of cars used to commute in the European city witnessed an upward trend, whereas a reverse pattern could be observed in bike and foot. Additionally, the data on buses remained relatively static.
More specifically, in 1960, the proportion of feet used was highest, at roughly 38%, while the data on bikes and buses were lower, at 25% and 18%, respectively. Meanwhile, the figure for cars was lowest, at about 5%.

In the following period, the percentage of total car travelers experienced an increase to approximately 36% at the end of the examination. For bikes, its data decreased slightly to somewhere in the vicinity of 6%. Moreover, foot also witnessed the fall, dipping to nearly 8% in 2000. Buses, conversely, escalated to about 26% in 1980, after which dropped to nearly 16% at the end of the time frame.

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Errors and Improvements:

"From an overall perspective" -> "From a holistic perspective"
Explanation: "Holistic" suggests a comprehensive viewpoint, which fits well in this context and adds sophistication to the sentence.
"witnessed an upward trend" -> "experienced an upward trajectory"
Explanation: "Trajectory" implies a path or direction, which is fitting for describing the trend of the percentage of cars used for commuting.
"reverse pattern" -> "contrary trend"
Explanation: "Contrary" suggests going in the opposite direction, which better captures the idea of a decrease in the percentage of bikes and foot usage for commuting.
"relatively static" -> "remained stagnant"
Explanation: "Stagnant" conveys a sense of lack of movement or change, which accurately describes the stability in the data on buses.
"More specifically" -> "To delve deeper"
Explanation: "To delve deeper" introduces a transition that signals a more detailed examination of the data, enhancing the flow of the paragraph.
"the proportion of feet used" -> "the proportion of walking"
Explanation: "Walking" is a more precise and common term for the mode of transportation referred to here.
"its data decreased slightly" -> "its usage declined marginally"
Explanation: "Usage" provides a clearer description of what is decreasing, and "declined marginally" suggests a slight decrease with more precision.
"witnessed the fall" -> "experienced a decline"
Explanation: "Experienced a decline" is a more formal and precise phrase to describe the decrease in the percentage of foot usage.
"escalated to about" -> "rose to approximately"
Explanation: "Rose to approximately" is a more formal and precise way to describe the increase in the percentage of bus usage.
"at the end of the time frame" -> "by the conclusion of the period"
Explanation: "By the conclusion of the period" provides a more formal and precise expression of the end point of the data analysis.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

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Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay adequately covers the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the main trends in the data from 1960 to 2000. It presents a clear overview of the percentage changes in the use of different modes of transport over the given time period. Key features, such as the increasing use of cars and the decreasing use of bikes and foot, are highlighted and illustrated. However, the response could be more fully developed, especially in providing more detailed analysis or comparison of the data between the years.
How to improve: To enhance the response and potentially achieve a higher band score, consider providing more detailed analysis or comparison between the years. Additionally, ensure that the response is well-structured and clearly organized, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas in a generally coherent manner, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. There is a clear attempt to present an overview and highlight key trends. Cohesive devices are used effectively to connect ideas within sentences, although there are some instances where cohesion may be faulty or mechanical. For instance, the transition between sentences could be smoother to enhance coherence. Paragraphing is used, but some aspects of it may not be entirely logical, as the organization within paragraphs could be improved for better clarity and coherence. The essay presents a central topic within each paragraph, which contributes to overall coherence.

How to improve: To improve coherence and cohesion, focus on enhancing the logical progression of ideas within and between paragraphs. Ensure that cohesive devices are used consistently and appropriately throughout the essay to strengthen the connections between ideas. Work on refining paragraph structure to ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and transitions smoothly to the next. Additionally, pay attention to the clarity and coherence of the introduction and conclusion to provide a more cohesive framework for the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task. There is an attempt to use less common vocabulary, such as "witnessed," "proportion," "escalated," and "conversely," but with some inaccuracy, such as "data on buses remained relatively static," where "data" is better replaced with "usage" or "usage of buses." There are also some errors in word formation, like "percentage of feet used" would be better as "percentage of people walking." However, these errors do not impede communication significantly.

How to improve: To improve, focus on using more precise and accurate vocabulary. Instead of "data on buses remained relatively static," consider "the usage of buses remained stable." Also, work on word formation to ensure clarity and accuracy. Instead of "the percentage of feet used," consider "the percentage of people walking." Additionally, vary the sentence structures to enhance the overall fluency and readability of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a variety of complex sentence structures, such as using subordinate clauses and phrasing that adds depth to the analysis. It maintains good control of grammar and punctuation throughout, with frequent error-free sentences. The essay effectively conveys the information from the bar chart with clarity and coherence.

How to improve: To further enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, consider incorporating more diverse sentence structures and vocabulary to elevate the sophistication of the language. Additionally, ensure consistent attention to punctuation and grammar to minimize any occasional errors that might occur.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided bar chart illustrates the proportion of various modes of transportation, including bus, car, bike, and foot, utilized for commuting in a European city during the years 1960, 1980, and 2000.

In general, there was an upward trend in the usage of cars for commuting in the European city, whereas a contrasting trend was observed for bikes and foot travel. Additionally, the data pertaining to buses remained relatively stable.

Specifically, in 1960, the highest percentage of commuters traveled on foot, accounting for approximately 38%, while the usage of bikes and buses stood at 25% and 18%, respectively. Conversely, the utilization of cars was the lowest, at around 5%.

During the subsequent period, there was a noticeable increase in the proportion of commuters opting for cars, reaching approximately 36% by the end of the period under consideration. However, the usage of bikes experienced a slight decline, hovering around 6%. Furthermore, foot travel also saw a decrease, dropping to nearly 8% by the year 2000. On the other hand, the percentage of commuters choosing buses rose to about 26% in 1980, before declining to nearly 16% by the end of the given timeframe.