the bar chart shows the number of hours work per week by men and women in Australia

The given chart illustrates the breakdown on the working hours of Australian women and men in 5 different age of groups’
Overall, in different periods observed vertitle changes, the age of 30 to 50 witnessed the highest percentage of working hours in both genders.
At first glance, the proportion of working hours of girls who work at the age of 10 or below started at 15%, mean while, men’s figures account for only one-third of that of girls. At the age of 10 to 20 men data takes up about 13% and females working hours percentage nearly two-fold the latter, at about 23.
The most working hours of male and female Australia is observed in the age of 30 to 50, with 43% of working hours per week in male employees and 35% of that in women.The figure for working hours for both genders can be seen at the age of 60 and above, at 30% and merely 18% of male and female working hours per week, respectively.Finally, people 80 years old work 10% of a week

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"breakdown on the working hours" -> "breakdown of working hours"
Explanation: "Breakdown on the working hours" is grammatically incorrect. "Breakdown of working hours" is the correct phrase, which is more appropriate for academic writing.
"5 different age of groups’" -> "five different age groups"
Explanation: The original phrase contains a typographical error ("different age of groups’") and is grammatically incorrect. "Five different age groups" is the correct and formal expression.
"vertitle changes" -> "variations"
Explanation: "Vertitle changes" is not a standard term and appears to be a typographical error. "Variations" is a precise and academically appropriate term.
"mean while" -> "meanwhile"
Explanation: "Mean while" is a typographical error. "Meanwhile" is the correct form of the adverb.
"men’s figures account for only one-third of that of girls" -> "men’s figures represent only one-third of those of girls"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly constructed and lacks clarity. The suggested revision clarifies the comparison and maintains a formal tone.
"men data takes up about 13%" -> "men’s data accounts for approximately 13%"
Explanation: "Men data" is grammatically incorrect. "Men’s data accounts for approximately 13%" corrects the possessive error and uses a more formal adverb.
"nearly two-fold the latter" -> "almost twice that of the latter"
Explanation: "Nearly two-fold" is a less formal expression. "Almost twice that of the latter" is more precise and formal.
"The most working hours" -> "the highest number of working hours"
Explanation: "The most working hours" is vague and informal. "The highest number of working hours" is more specific and appropriate for academic writing.
"per week in male employees" -> "per week among male employees"
Explanation: "In" is not the correct preposition here. "Among" is the correct preposition to use when referring to a group within a larger group.
"merely 18%" -> "a mere 18%"
Explanation: "Merely" is not typically used with a percentage. "A mere 18%" is more commonly used in formal writing to emphasize the small amount.
"people 80 years old work 10% of a week" -> "individuals aged 80 work 10% of a week"
Explanation: "People 80 years old" is informal and vague. "Individuals aged 80" is more precise and formal.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the main trends in the data. The essay recounts detail mechanically with no clear overview. The essay presents, but inadequately covers, key features/bullet points. There is a tendency to focus on details.

How to improve: The essay needs to provide a clear overview of the main trends in the data. The essay should also present the key features/bullet points in a more comprehensive way. The essay should avoid focusing on details and instead focus on the overall trends in the data. The essay should also be more concise and avoid unnecessary repetition.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a lack of overall progression. While it attempts to describe the data, the structure is somewhat confusing, and the use of cohesive devices is inadequate. The essay contains inaccuracies in referencing and substitution, which leads to repetition and a lack of clarity. Additionally, paragraphing is not effectively utilized, making it difficult to follow the argument or narrative.
How to improve: To enhance the coherence and cohesion of the essay, the writer should focus on creating clear paragraphs that each present a single central topic. Using a wider range of cohesive devices correctly will help in linking ideas more effectively. It is also important to ensure that the information is presented in a logical sequence, with clear transitions between points. Finally, proofreading for grammatical accuracy and clarity will improve the overall quality of the writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to convey information about the bar chart, the vocabulary used is often repetitive and lacks precision. There are noticeable errors in word choice, such as "girls who work at the age of 10 or below" and "mean while," which detract from the clarity of the message. Additionally, spelling and grammatical errors, such as "vertitle changes" and "Australia is observed," may cause some difficulty for the reader. Overall, while the essay communicates basic information, the lexical resource is insufficient to achieve a higher band score.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, the writer should aim to use a wider variety of vocabulary and phrases that accurately describe the data. Incorporating more sophisticated terms and ensuring correct word forms would improve clarity. Additionally, proofreading for spelling and grammatical errors would help to avoid confusion and enhance overall readability. Engaging with a broader range of vocabulary related to data description and analysis can also contribute to a more effective presentation of ideas.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily using simple sentences with some attempts at complex structures. There are frequent grammatical errors, such as incorrect verb forms and punctuation issues, which can cause some difficulty for the reader. For example, phrases like "the breakdown on the working hours" and "the age of 30 to 50 witnessed the highest percentage" contain inaccuracies. Additionally, the use of "mean while" should be "meanwhile," and the phrase "the most working hours of male and female Australia" is awkward and unclear. Overall, while the essay conveys the main ideas, the grammatical inaccuracies hinder clarity and coherence.

How to improve:

Expand Sentence Variety: Incorporate a wider range of complex sentence structures to enhance grammatical range. For example, use relative clauses or conditional sentences to add depth to your writing.
Focus on Accuracy: Pay closer attention to subject-verb agreement and verb tense consistency. Proofreading for common errors can help reduce mistakes.
Improve Punctuation: Ensure correct punctuation usage, particularly with commas and periods, to clarify meaning and improve readability.
Clarify Ideas: Rephrase awkward or unclear sentences to enhance clarity. For instance, instead of "the most working hours of male and female Australia," consider "the highest number of working hours among Australian men and women."

Bài sửa mẫu

The given chart illustrates the breakdown of working hours for Australian women and men across five different age groups. Overall, during the observed periods, notable changes are evident, with the age group of 30 to 50 witnessing the highest percentage of working hours for both genders.

At first glance, the proportion of working hours for girls aged 10 or below started at 15%, while men’s figures account for only one-third of that of girls. In the age group of 10 to 20, the data for men takes up about 13%, whereas the percentage of working hours for females is nearly double that, at about 23%.

The most working hours for both male and female Australians are observed in the age group of 30 to 50, with 43% of working hours per week for male employees and 35% for females. The figures for working hours for both genders can be seen in the age group of 60 and above, at 30% for males and merely 18% for females. Finally, individuals aged 80 years old work 10% of a week.