The bar chart shows the number of hours worked per week by men and women in Australia

The bar chart illustrates how many hours male and female Australians work each week.
Overall, working men in the given country outnumber their women counterparts regarding the working hour numbers in 30-50 and 60-80, whereas an opposite trend can be seen in the remaining categories, except for the similar proportion in over 80 hours figure. It is also noteworthy that the 30-50 working hours group reveals the highest labor forces in both genders.
The largest disparity between two genders can be seen in 0-10 hours, where 15% of the females work a week, while the figure for males is one-third of it. Similarly, the rate of women exceeds men in the 10-20 category, with respective figures being nearly 22% and 13%.
The 30-50 working hours leads the whole chart regarding the percentage of males, at above 44%, and the figure for their females is lower, at around 35%. Besides, a similar trend is shown, when 30% male workforce works 60-80 hours per week, in comparison to nearly 20% of their female counterparts.
Moving finally on to the remaining category, men and women share roughly equal percentage of workers who work over 80 hours on a weekly basis, both nearly 10%.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"male and female Australians" -> "male and female Australian workers"
Explanation: Adding "workers" clarifies the subject of the chart, enhancing the precision and formality of the statement.
"working men in the given country outnumber their women counterparts" -> "male workers in Australia outnumber their female counterparts"
Explanation: Replacing "working men" with "male workers" and specifying "Australia" instead of "the given country" improves specificity and formality.
"an opposite trend can be seen" -> "an opposing trend is evident"
Explanation: "Is evident" is a more formal and precise term than "can be seen," aligning better with academic style.
"labor forces" -> "labor force"
Explanation: "Labor force" is the correct noun form, used to refer to the total number of people available for work, not "labor forces," which is incorrect.
"the largest disparity" -> "the most significant disparity"
Explanation: "Most significant" is a more precise and academically appropriate term than "largest," which can be vague.
"one-third of it" -> "one-third of that"
Explanation: "That" is the correct pronoun to use when referring back to a previously mentioned number or quantity, enhancing clarity and correctness.
"the rate of women exceeds men" -> "the proportion of women exceeds that of men"
Explanation: "The proportion of women exceeds that of men" is a more precise and formal way to express the comparison.
"the 30-50 working hours leads the whole chart" -> "the 30-50 hour category leads the entire chart"
Explanation: "Category" is more specific than "hours," and "entire" is more formal than "whole."
"the figure for their females is lower" -> "the proportion of female workers is lower"
Explanation: "Proportion of female workers" is more specific and formal than "the figure for their females."
"Moving finally on to the remaining category" -> "Moving to the final category"
Explanation: "Moving to the final category" is more concise and avoids the informal "finally on to."
"men and women share roughly equal percentage" -> "men and women share approximately equal proportions"
Explanation: "Approximately equal proportions" is more precise and formal than "roughly equal percentage."

These changes enhance the academic tone and precision of the text, aligning it more closely with formal writing standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation: The essay covers the requirements of the task and presents a clear overview of the main trends. It highlights the key features of the chart, such as the highest working hours group and the largest disparity between genders. However, the essay could be more fully extended by providing more specific details about the data.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific details about the data, such as the exact percentages for each category. The essay could also be improved by using more precise language to describe the trends. For example, instead of saying "the largest disparity between two genders can be seen in 0-10 hours," the essay could say "the percentage of women working 0-10 hours per week is significantly higher than the percentage of men working those hours."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a coherent structure with a clear overall progression of ideas. The introduction effectively sets the context, and the body paragraphs logically present the data from the bar chart. However, while cohesive devices are used, there are instances where their application is mechanical or somewhat unclear, which affects the overall flow. For example, phrases like "similarly" and "besides" are used, but the connections between ideas could be more fluid. The paragraphing is present but could be improved for clarity, as some transitions between ideas feel abrupt.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on using a wider range of cohesive devices more naturally to link ideas. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic and smooth transitions between points would help improve the overall flow. More attention to logical paragraphing and clearer referencing would also strengthen the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, effectively conveying the main trends and comparisons between male and female workers in Australia. However, there are instances of inaccuracy in word choice and collocation, such as "the working hour numbers" and "the 30-50 working hours group reveals the highest labor forces," which could be expressed more clearly. Additionally, there are some errors in spelling and word formation, such as "the largest disparity between two genders can be seen in 0-10 hours," where "two genders" could be more appropriately phrased as "the two genders." While these errors do not impede communication, they do detract from the overall lexical sophistication expected at higher band levels.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary, including more sophisticated and precise terms. They should also focus on improving collocation and ensuring that word choices are contextually appropriate. Additionally, minimizing spelling and word formation errors would contribute to a clearer and more professional presentation of ideas. Engaging with a broader vocabulary through reading and practice can help achieve this improvement.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 level. While it conveys the main ideas and comparisons effectively, there are some grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that detract from the overall clarity. For example, phrases like "the working hour numbers in 30-50 and 60-80" and "the 30-50 working hours leads the whole chart" could be more clearly expressed. Additionally, there are instances of punctuation errors, such as the lack of commas in complex sentences, which can affect readability. Overall, the errors present do not significantly hinder communication, aligning with the criteria for a Band 6.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing grammatical accuracy and refining sentence structures. This can be done by practicing complex sentence formations and ensuring that punctuation is used correctly throughout the essay. Additionally, reviewing and revising awkward phrases for clarity will help improve the overall coherence and fluency of the writing. Engaging with a wider range of vocabulary and varying sentence beginnings can also contribute to a more sophisticated writing style.

Bài sửa mẫu

The bar chart illustrates the number of hours that male and female Australians work each week. Overall, working men in Australia outnumber their female counterparts in the 30-50 and 60-80 hour categories, whereas an opposite trend is observed in the remaining categories, with the exception of the similar proportion in the over 80 hours segment. It is also noteworthy that the 30-50 hour group represents the highest labor force participation for both genders.

The largest disparity between the two genders is evident in the 0-10 hours category, where 15% of females work this amount each week, while the figure for males is only one-third of that. Similarly, the rate of women exceeds that of men in the 10-20 hour category, with respective figures of nearly 22% and 13%.

The 30-50 hour category leads the entire chart in terms of the percentage of males, at over 44%, while the figure for females is lower, at around 35%. Additionally, a similar trend is observed in the 60-80 hour category, where 30% of the male workforce works this amount compared to nearly 20% of their female counterparts.

Finally, in the over 80 hours category, men and women share a roughly equal percentage of workers, with both groups representing nearly 10% of the total workforce.