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The bar chart shows the number of visits to a community website in the first and second years of use.

The bar chart shows the number of visits to a community website in the first and second years of use.

The given chart illustrates how many times a community website was accessed in the first and second years of operation.

It is clear that October had the most traffics site in general in both the first and second years, while the opposite was true for April. In addition, the largest difference in the figure for accesses was in June.

As can be seen from the bar chart, the data on visits in the first year from October to February witnessed a fluctuation, declined 10,000 times at the end of the year, and peaked at over 40,000 times in February. However, those in the following year remained stable, estimated at 20,000 times.

It is noticeable that all the figures for accesses between March and June in the second year were under or exactly 10,000, especially April had the least visits in both years. In contrast, June recorded the biggest gap in traffic between the first and the next year. Whereas the first years saw an upward trend to precisely 40,000 times, the year after witnessed a decline, from 20,000 to 10,000 times.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "traffics site" -> "website traffic"
    Explanation: "Traffics site" is not a standard term. Using "website traffic" is more appropriate and common in describing the number of visits a website receives.

  2. "the figure for accesses" -> "the number of accesses"
    Explanation: While "figure for accesses" conveys the idea, "the number of accesses" is a more precise and formal phrase that better describes the quantity of visits to the website.

  3. "witnessed a fluctuation, declined" -> "experienced fluctuations, declined"
    Explanation: Using "experienced fluctuations" instead of "witnessed a fluctuation" provides a clearer and more natural expression. Also, replacing "declined" with "experienced a decline" enhances the clarity of the sentence.

  4. "especially April had the least visits" -> "particularly April had the fewest visits"
    Explanation: "Least visits" can be more accurately expressed as "fewest visits." Additionally, using "particularly" instead of "especially" in this context provides a more precise emphasis.

  5. "biggest gap in traffic" -> "largest disparity in traffic"
    Explanation: While "biggest gap" is understandable, using "largest disparity" conveys a more formal and specific comparison between traffic levels in June across both years.

  6. "the first years saw an upward trend" -> "the first year exhibited an upward trend"
    Explanation: "The first years" should be corrected to "the first year" for grammatical accuracy. Using "exhibited" instead of "saw" adds a more formal and descriptive tone to the sentence.

  7. "witnessed a decline, from 20,000 to 10,000 times" -> "experienced a decline, dropping from 20,000 to 10,000 times"
    Explanation: The phrase "dropping from" is a more precise way to describe the decrease in numbers. Using "experienced a decline" maintains formality and clarity in the sentence structure.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay adequately covers the requirements of the task by providing a clear overview of the main trends depicted in the bar chart. It identifies key features such as the months with the highest and lowest visits, as well as the significant fluctuations in access. The response sufficiently presents and highlights the key points, showcasing comparisons between the two years and specific months.

How to improve:
To enhance the Task Achievement criteria towards a higher band score:

  1. Expand on the analysis: Consider providing more detailed comparisons between months within each year and discuss possible reasons for the fluctuations or trends observed.
  2. Precision in data description: Ensure accuracy in stating the figures to avoid confusion or ambiguity.
  3. Connective clarity: Use clearer transitions between ideas and points to facilitate a smoother flow and coherence in the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion, placing it within the Band 6 range. The overall organization is logical, with a clear introduction and body paragraphs that sequentially present information about the community website’s visits. The use of cohesive devices, such as transition words like "however" and "in addition," is evident, contributing to a sense of flow.

Paragraphing is generally adequate, with distinct topic sentences in each paragraph. However, there are instances where the flow could be improved, such as the abrupt shift from discussing specific months to a general observation about the figures for accesses.

While the essay effectively presents an overview of the data and highlights key trends, there are moments of faulty cohesion, such as the phrase "the opposite was true for April" without explicit reference to the specific trend. Additionally, there are some language issues, like the use of "traffics site" instead of "traffic site" and imprecise expressions like "the largest difference in the figure for accesses was in June."

How to improve:

  1. Ensure a smoother transition between sentences and paragraphs. Clarify connections between ideas to enhance coherence.
  2. Pay attention to language accuracy and precision, addressing errors like "traffics site" and refining expressions for clarity.
  3. Provide more explicit references to specific data points to strengthen cohesion and avoid ambiguity.
  4. Consider a more nuanced vocabulary to enhance the overall quality of the essay.

Note: While the essay meets the criteria for Band 6, refinements in language usage and transitions would contribute to a more cohesive and polished response.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, but there are instances of inaccuracies in word choice and collocation. The writer attempts to use less common vocabulary, but some inaccuracies are present. The essay makes some errors in spelling and word formation, but these errors do not impede communication.

The vocabulary used includes terms like "witnessed a fluctuation," "recorded the biggest gap," and "upward trend," which contribute to a varied lexical range. However, there are instances where word choices could be more precise, and there are errors in collocation, such as "most traffics site" instead of "the most trafficked site" or "witnessed a fluctuation, declined" where a more accurate expression could be used.

There are also some spelling and word formation errors, such as "traffics" instead of "traffic," and "witnessed a fluctuation, declined" could be improved for smoother flow. These errors, while present, do not severely impede the overall communication of the message.

How to improve:
To improve the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using vocabulary more accurately and precisely. Paying attention to collocation and ensuring that words are used in the correct context will contribute to a more sophisticated use of language. Additionally, careful proofreading for spelling and word formation errors is recommended to enhance the overall clarity and coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.5

Explanation:
This essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, showcasing an attempt at varied constructions. It effectively describes the key trends in the chart and maintains coherence throughout. The writer displays control over grammar and punctuation, despite occasional errors that minimally affect communication. There’s an attempt to use a range of structures, combining both simple and complex sentences.

How to improve:
To reach a higher band, focus on enhancing sentence variety and accuracy further. Review the use of complex structures to ensure accuracy without compromising clarity. Pay attention to minor errors in verb tenses and sentence structure to elevate the overall grammatical accuracy of the essay. Additionally, strive for more consistent punctuation usage to refine the presentation of ideas.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided bar chart depicts the frequency of visits to a community website during its inaugural and second years of operation.

Overall, it is evident that October experienced the highest site traffic in both the initial and subsequent years, while April witnessed the lowest. Notably, the most significant disparity in visitation occurred in June.

Examining the data presented in the bar chart, there was a fluctuation in visitation from October to February in the first year, with a decline of 10,000 visits by the year’s end. The peak was observed in February, surpassing 40,000 visits. Conversely, in the following year, the visitation rate remained relatively stable, hovering around 20,000 visits.

March to June in the second year demonstrated consistently lower visitation figures, all falling below or equal to 10,000. Particularly noteworthy is April, which recorded the fewest visits in both years. In contrast, June exhibited the most substantial disparity in traffic between the initial and subsequent years. While the first year experienced an upward trend, reaching precisely 40,000 visits, the following year witnessed a decline to 10,000 visits from the previous 20,000.

In summary, the bar chart reveals distinct patterns in the community website’s visitation over the two years, with variations in peak and low periods, emphasizing the significance of certain months in influencing site traffic.

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