The bar chart shows the percentage of school children learning to play different musical instruments in 2005, 2010, 2015. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar chart shows the percentage of school children learning to play different musical instruments in 2005, 2010, 2015.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The demonstration provided information about the proportion of children persueing to learn various musical instruments in the 3 different years.

Overall, both piano, guitar and drums witnessed an upward trend in the three years, while the figure of violin learners was plunged at the same time. Notably, piano was a favorite options in the first year of the period, before it was outstripped by guitar in 2015.

Regarding the two highest features, namely piano and guitar, risen from around 10% to approximately 40%. There was a significant change in the percentage of students accessed to piano course, increased nearly double of its initial figure of about 10% to about 20% in 2010, then continued to double its data to arounf 40% in 2025. In the first two years of the period, the similar figures but a little lower to piano was seen, however, in 2015, it was surpassed the proportion of piano learners by slightly more than 40%.

Considering drums, surging from about 5% in 2005 to nearly 10% in 2015, after its remained unchanged figure during 2005 and 2010. The most remarkable feature is violin, which was the only musical instrument experienced a constantly plummet movement from around 10% in 2005 to approximately 5% in the last year of the period.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The demonstration provided information" -> "The data presented showed"
Explanation: "The demonstration provided information" is somewhat vague and informal. "The data presented showed" is more precise and appropriate for academic writing, clearly indicating the source and action of the information.
"persueing to learn" -> "pursuing to learn"
Explanation: The correct spelling is "pursuing," which is a verb form that is necessary to complete the sentence grammatically.
"both piano, guitar and drums" -> "both piano, guitar, and drums"
Explanation: The correct use of commas in a list of three items is necessary for clarity and adherence to grammatical rules.
"witnessed an upward trend" -> "exhibited an upward trend"
Explanation: "Witnessed" is not typically used to describe trends, whereas "exhibited" is more commonly used in academic contexts to describe the display of data or patterns.
"plunged" -> "declined"
Explanation: "Plunged" is an overly dramatic and informal term for academic writing. "Declined" is a more neutral and appropriate term.
"a favorite options" -> "a favored option"
Explanation: "A favorite options" is grammatically incorrect. "A favored option" is the correct form, indicating a preferred choice.
"outstripped" -> "surpassed"
Explanation: "Outstripped" is a less common and slightly informal term. "Surpassed" is straightforward and widely accepted in academic writing.
"rose" -> "increased"
Explanation: "Rose" is a less formal verb and can be vague. "Increased" is precise and commonly used in academic contexts.
"students accessed to piano course" -> "students enrolled in piano courses"
Explanation: "Accessed to" is incorrect; "enrolled in" is the correct phrase for describing students’ participation in educational programs.
"nearly double of its initial figure" -> "nearly doubled its initial figure"
Explanation: "Nearly double of" is grammatically incorrect. "Nearly doubled" is the correct form, indicating a significant increase.
"arounf" -> "around"
Explanation: "Arounf" is a typographical error; the correct spelling is "around."
"the similar figures but a little lower to piano" -> "similar figures, albeit slightly lower than those for piano"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. The suggested revision clarifies the comparison and maintains a formal tone.
"surging from about 5% in 2005 to nearly 10% in 2015" -> "increasing from approximately 5% in 2005 to nearly 10% in 2015"
Explanation: "Surging" is too informal and emotive for academic writing. "Increasing" is neutral and suitable for formal contexts.
"remained unchanged figure" -> "remained unchanged figures"
Explanation: "Figure" should be plural to agree with the plural subject "data."
"the only musical instrument experienced a constantly plummet movement" -> "the only musical instrument experienced a constant decline"
Explanation: "Plummet movement" is incorrect and unclear. "Constant decline" is a precise and clear term for describing continuous decrease.

These changes aim to refine the vocabulary and grammar to meet the standards of academic writing, ensuring clarity, precision, and formality.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the main trends, and the data is not always presented accurately. For example, the essay states that the percentage of students learning piano increased nearly double from 10% to 20% in 2010, but the chart shows that the percentage increased from around 10% to around 20%.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends in the data. The essay could also be improved by presenting the data more accurately. For example, the essay could state that the percentage of students learning piano increased from around 10% to around 20% in 2010, rather than stating that it increased nearly double. The essay could also be improved by using more precise language to describe the trends in the data. For example, the essay could state that the percentage of students learning guitar increased significantly between 2005 and 2015, rather than stating that it increased from around 10% to approximately 40%.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a lack of overall progression. While it attempts to compare the data for different instruments, the flow of ideas is not always clear, leading to confusion in understanding the trends. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, which affects the clarity of the comparisons made. Additionally, the paragraphing is present but not always logical, as some ideas could be better grouped together for coherence.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on organizing the information more logically, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic. Improving the accuracy and variety of cohesive devices will help create smoother transitions between ideas. Additionally, the writer should ensure that comparisons are clearly articulated and that the overall progression of the essay is easy to follow. Using more precise language and correcting grammatical errors will also contribute to a clearer presentation of ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to use some less common vocabulary, such as "proportion," "outstripped," and "plummet," there are noticeable errors in word choice and collocation, such as "pursueing" (should be "pursuing") and "accessed to piano course" (should be "access to piano courses"). Additionally, spelling errors like "arounf" and "plummet" detract from clarity. The vocabulary used does not always convey precise meanings, and some phrases are awkwardly constructed, which may cause difficulty for the reader.

How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary and using more precise word choices. They could practice using synonyms and varying their expressions to avoid repetition. Additionally, careful proofreading to eliminate spelling errors and improve word formation would significantly enhance clarity. Engaging with more complex sentence structures and less common lexical items, while ensuring correct collocation, would also help in achieving a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily using simple sentences with some attempts at complex sentences. However, the accuracy of these structures is inconsistent, with frequent grammatical errors and issues with punctuation that can cause difficulty for the reader. For instance, phrases like "the figure of violin learners was plunged" and "the similar figures but a little lower to piano was seen" exhibit grammatical inaccuracies that detract from clarity. Overall, while the essay communicates the main features of the bar chart, the grammatical issues hinder effective communication.

How to improve:

Expand Sentence Variety: Incorporate a wider range of sentence structures, including more complex sentences, to enhance the grammatical range.
Focus on Accuracy: Review and revise sentences to correct grammatical errors and improve clarity. For example, ensure subject-verb agreement and proper use of prepositions.
Punctuation Practice: Pay attention to punctuation rules to avoid run-on sentences and improve readability.
Proofreading: Take time to proofread the essay to catch minor errors that may occur as slips, aiming for a higher proportion of error-free sentences.

Bài sửa mẫu

The demonstration provided information about the proportion of children pursuing to learn various musical instruments in the three different years.

Overall, both piano and guitar witnessed an upward trend over the three years, while the figure for violin learners declined during the same period. Notably, piano was a favorite option in the first year of the period before being outstripped by guitar in 2015.

Regarding the two highest figures, namely piano and guitar, both rose from around 10% to approximately 40%. There was a significant change in the percentage of students accessing piano courses, which increased nearly double its initial figure of about 10% to about 20% in 2010, then continued to double again to around 40% in 2015. In the first two years of the period, similar figures, but slightly lower than piano, were observed for guitar; however, in 2015, it surpassed the proportion of piano learners by slightly more than 40%.

Considering drums, the percentage surged from about 5% in 2005 to nearly 10% in 2015, after remaining unchanged between 2005 and 2010. The most remarkable feature is violin, which was the only musical instrument that experienced a constant decline, dropping from around 10% in 2005 to approximately 5% in the last year of the period.