The bar chart shows the percentage of school children learning to play four different musical instruments (violin, guitar, piano, drums) in 2005, 2010, 2015.

The bar chart depicts the percentage of young children who played four various types of music
instruments (violin, guitar, piano, and drums) in 2005, 2010, and 2015.
Overall, it is clear that the guitar was the most popular instrument at school, while the drum and
violin were the least loved. Additionally, the data for guitar and piano showed an increased
tendency throughout the study period.
In addition, pupils have long preferred learning the guitar over other instruments. In 2005, 11%
of students learned guitar, which doubled five years later and peaked at over 27% in 2015.
There were also numerous pianists, with almost the same number of juveniles preferring it in
2005. The difference between guitar and piano grew from around 1% in 2005 to approximately
3% in 2010, and then to around 2% in the last year.
On the other hand,drum and violin remained reasonably stable across the years in question.
While drumming was at the bottom in 2005 and 2010, accounting for only 6% of participants,
there were also a small number of violinists (7.5%). However, the rankings changed in 2015,
with drums overtaking violin by a tiny 0.5%.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"played four various types of music instruments" -> "played four different types of musical instruments"
Explanation: "Various" is somewhat vague and informal in this context. "Different" is more precise and appropriate for academic writing. Additionally, "music instruments" should be "musical instruments" to correct the grammatical error and maintain the formal tone.
"the most popular instrument at school" -> "the most popular instrument among students"
Explanation: "At school" is too informal and imprecise. "Among students" clarifies the context and maintains a formal academic tone.
"the least loved" -> "the least favored"
Explanation: "Loved" is an emotional term that is not suitable for academic writing. "Favored" is neutral and more appropriate for describing preferences in an academic context.
"an increased tendency" -> "an increasing trend"
Explanation: "Tendency" is somewhat vague and informal. "Trend" is a more precise and commonly accepted term in academic discourse.
"pupils have long preferred" -> "students have consistently preferred"
Explanation: "Pupils" is a less common term in modern English and may sound outdated. "Students" is more universally accepted and appropriate for contemporary academic writing. "Consistently" is also more precise than "long" in describing ongoing trends.
"the guitar over other instruments" -> "the guitar more than other instruments"
Explanation: "Over" is somewhat informal and can be ambiguous. "More than" is clearer and maintains a formal tone.
"doubled five years later" -> "increased by a factor of two five years later"
Explanation: "Doubled" is informal and lacks precision. "Increased by a factor of two" provides a clearer, mathematical representation of the change.
"peaked at over 27%" -> "reached a peak of 27%"
Explanation: "Peaked at over" is informal and slightly awkward. "Reached a peak of" is more formal and precise.
"numerous pianists" -> "a significant number of pianists"
Explanation: "Numerous" can be vague and informal. "A significant number of" is more specific and formal.
"juveniles preferring it" -> "students preferring it"
Explanation: "Juveniles" is an outdated and somewhat inappropriate term in modern English. "Students" is the correct and appropriate term.
"drumming was at the bottom" -> "drumming was at the lowest"
Explanation: "At the bottom" is colloquial and informal. "At the lowest" is more formal and precise.
"a small number of violinists" -> "a relatively small number of violinists"
Explanation: Adding "relatively" clarifies the comparison and enhances the formality of the statement.
"drums overtaking violin by a tiny 0.5%" -> "drums surpassed violin by 0.5%"
Explanation: "Overtaking" is slightly informal and can be misunderstood. "Surpassed" is a more formal and clear alternative.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the data, highlighting the most popular instrument (guitar) and the least popular (drums and violin). It also presents key features, such as the increase in guitar and piano popularity, and the relatively stable popularity of drums and violin. However, the essay does not fully extend the analysis of the key features, and some details are irrelevant or inaccurate. For example, the statement that the difference between guitar and piano grew from around 1% in 2005 to approximately 3% in 2010, and then to around 2% in the last year is not accurate.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more detailed analysis of the key features, such as the rate of increase in guitar and piano popularity, and the reasons for the relatively stable popularity of drums and violin. The essay could also be improved by avoiding irrelevant or inaccurate details.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, presenting a clear overall progression from the introduction to the conclusion. However, while cohesive devices are used effectively, there are instances where cohesion within and between sentences is somewhat mechanical, leading to a lack of fluidity in some areas. The paragraphing is present but not always logical, as some ideas could be better grouped to enhance clarity.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing the logical flow between paragraphs and ensuring that cohesive devices are varied and used naturally. Additionally, refining the structure of paragraphs to group related ideas more effectively would improve coherence. Incorporating more varied linking phrases and ensuring that each paragraph clearly supports a central topic would also help in achieving a higher score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, using terms like "depicts," "percentage," and "preferred." However, there are instances of inaccuracy and awkward phrasing, such as "numerous pianists" and "the least loved," which could be improved for clarity and precision. Additionally, while the essay attempts to use less common vocabulary, it lacks the fluency and flexibility expected at higher bands. Errors in word choice and some awkward constructions are present, but they do not significantly impede communication.

How to improve: To enhance the Lexical Resource score, the writer should focus on using more precise and varied vocabulary. Incorporating synonyms and avoiding repetition can help. Additionally, ensuring that less common lexical items are used accurately and in appropriate contexts will strengthen the essay. Paying attention to collocation and refining awkward phrases will also contribute to a more sophisticated lexical range.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 score. While there are some grammatical errors and punctuation issues (e.g., "drum and violin remained reasonably stable" could be clearer with "the drums and violin"), these do not significantly impede communication. The essay generally conveys the intended meaning, but the presence of errors suggests that there is room for improvement in grammatical accuracy.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on increasing the accuracy of their complex sentence structures and reducing grammatical errors. This can be done by proofreading for common mistakes, ensuring subject-verb agreement, and practicing the use of a wider range of grammatical structures. Additionally, enhancing punctuation usage will contribute to clearer communication and overall coherence in the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

The bar chart depicts the percentage of young children learning to play four different musical instruments (violin, guitar, piano, and drums) in 2005, 2010, and 2015. Overall, it is clear that the guitar was the most popular instrument among schoolchildren, while the drums and violin were the least favored. Additionally, the data for guitar and piano showed an upward trend throughout the study period.

In particular, pupils have consistently preferred learning the guitar over other instruments. In 2005, 11% of students learned to play the guitar, which doubled five years later and peaked at over 27% in 2015. There were also a significant number of pianists, with almost the same proportion of children favoring it in 2005. The difference between guitar and piano grew from around 1% in 2005 to approximately 3% in 2010, and then narrowed to about 2% in the final year.

On the other hand, the percentages for drums and violin remained relatively stable across the years in question. While drumming was at the bottom in both 2005 and 2010, accounting for only 6% of participants, there was also a small number of violinists (7.5%). However, the rankings changed in 2015, with drums overtaking violin by a narrow margin of 0.5%.