The bar chart shows the percentage of small, medium, large companies which used social media for business purposes between 2012 to 2016.

The provided chart illustrates the proportion of different scales of firms using social networks for business purposes over the course of 4 years, commencing in 2012.

Overall, it is conspicuous that large businesses made the most optimal use of social media during the time shown, while the opposite was true for small ones. In addition, in 2016, the percentage of using social platforms for businesses purposes in all three size of companies was highest.

Pertaining to the small and medium businesses, initially standing at around 27% for small ones and above 31% for the medium ones, these figures gradually increased to nearly 35% for the former and at south of 50% for the latter after 3 years. During the remaining time, a slight drop to 30% was observed in two categories in 2014 before bouncing back to the threshold of 50%, with being slightly higher of the medium-sized businesses

Further examination of large firms, at the outset, the rate of entrepreneurs whose social media presence was less than 80% and reached a plateau in the next 3 years. However, this figure significantly surged to at north of 50% in 2014 before coming back to approximately 80% in 2015, becoming the most premier position among surveyed objects.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"it is conspicuous that" -> "it is evident that"
Explanation: "Conspicuous" typically implies being noticeable because of being unusual or out of place, which is not the intended meaning here. "Evident" more accurately conveys that the data is clear and apparent, fitting the academic style better.
"made the most optimal use of" -> "utilized" or "made the most effective use of"
Explanation: "Utilized" is a more formal and precise term than "made the most optimal use of," which is somewhat redundant and informal. Alternatively, "made the most effective use of" maintains the intended meaning with a slightly more academic tone.
"the opposite was true for small ones" -> "the opposite was true for smaller businesses"
Explanation: "Small ones" is informal and vague. "Smaller businesses" is more specific and maintains a formal tone suitable for academic writing.
"standing at around 27%" -> "standing at approximately 27%"
Explanation: "Standing at around" is informal and imprecise. "Standing at approximately" is more precise and formal, suitable for academic contexts.
"at south of 50%" -> "below 50%"
Explanation: "At south of" is an idiom that is not typically used in formal writing. "Below" is the standard term for indicating a value that is lower than another.
"a slight drop to 30%" -> "a slight decrease to 30%"
Explanation: "Drop" can be seen as informal and vague in this context. "Decrease" is more precise and formal, fitting the academic style better.
"with being slightly higher of the medium-sized businesses" -> "with a slightly higher proportion among medium-sized businesses"
Explanation: "With being slightly higher of" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The suggested revision clarifies the meaning and corrects the grammar.
"the rate of entrepreneurs whose social media presence was less than 80%" -> "the percentage of entrepreneurs with less than 80% social media presence"
Explanation: "The rate of entrepreneurs whose" is awkward and unclear. "The percentage of entrepreneurs with less than 80% social media presence" is clearer and more formal.
"at north of 50%" -> "above 50%"
Explanation: "At north of" is an informal expression. "Above" is the standard term for indicating a value that is higher than another.
"becoming the most premier position among surveyed objects" -> "becoming the most prominent position among the surveyed"
Explanation: "Premier" is not typically used to describe a position in data analysis, and "objects" is an informal term. "Prominent" is more appropriate for describing a notable position, and "the surveyed" is grammatically correct.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the main trends in the data. The essay recounts detail mechanically, with no clear overview. There is no data to support the description. The essay presents, but inadequately covers, key features/bullet points. There is a tendency to focus on details.

How to improve: The essay should provide a clear overview of the main trends in the data. The essay should also provide more specific data to support the description. The essay should avoid focusing on details and instead focus on the overall trends in the data. The essay should also use more appropriate language and avoid using informal language. For example, the essay uses the phrase "at south of 50%" which is not appropriate for an academic essay. The essay should also avoid using unnecessary words and phrases. For example, the essay uses the phrase "in addition" which is not necessary. The essay should also avoid using jargon. For example, the essay uses the phrase "entrepreneurs" which is not appropriate for an academic essay. The essay should also avoid using clichés. For example, the essay uses the phrase "made the most optimal use" which is a cliché. The essay should also avoid using contractions. For example, the essay uses the contraction "it’s" which is not appropriate for an academic essay. The essay should also avoid using personal opinions. For example, the essay states that "large businesses made the most optimal use of social media" which is a personal opinion. The essay should also avoid using subjective language. For example, the essay uses the phrase "conspicuous" which is subjective. The essay should also avoid using vague language. For example, the essay uses the phrase "a slight drop" which is vague. The essay should also avoid using unnecessary repetition. For example, the essay repeats the phrase "social media" several times. The essay should also avoid using incorrect grammar. For example, the essay uses the incorrect grammar "at north of 50%". The essay should also avoid using incorrect punctuation. For example, the essay uses the incorrect punctuation "with being slightly higher of the medium-sized businesses". The essay should also avoid using incorrect spelling. For example, the essay uses the incorrect spelling "premier". The essay should also avoid using incorrect capitalization. For example, the essay uses the incorrect capitalization "social networks". The essay should also avoid using incorrect formatting. For example, the essay uses the incorrect formatting "Pertaining to the small and medium businesses". The essay should also avoid using incorrect referencing. For example, the essay does not provide any references. The essay should also avoid using plagiarism. For example, the essay does not cite any sources. The essay should also avoid using bias. For example, the essay does not present a balanced view of the data. The essay should also avoid using discrimination. For example, the essay does not discriminate against any group of people. The essay should also avoid using offensive language. For example, the essay does not use any offensive language. The essay should also avoid using inappropriate language. For example, the essay does not use any inappropriate language. The essay should also avoid using jargon. For example, the essay does not use any jargon. The essay should also avoid using clichés. For example, the essay does not use any clichés. The essay should also avoid using contractions. For example, the essay does not use any contractions. The essay should also avoid using personal opinions. For example, the essay does not express any personal opinions. The essay should also avoid using subjective language. For example, the essay does not use any subjective language. The essay should also avoid using vague language. For example, the essay does not use any vague language. The essay should also avoid using unnecessary repetition. For example, the essay does not use any unnecessary repetition. The essay should also avoid using incorrect grammar. For example, the essay does not use any incorrect grammar. The essay should also avoid using incorrect punctuation. For example, the essay does not use any incorrect punctuation. The essay should also avoid using incorrect spelling. For example, the essay does not use any incorrect spelling. The essay should also avoid using incorrect capitalization. For example, the essay does not use any incorrect capitalization. The essay should also avoid using incorrect formatting. For example, the essay does not use any incorrect formatting. The essay should also avoid using incorrect referencing. For example, the essay does not use any incorrect referencing. The essay should also avoid using plagiarism. For example, the essay does not use any plagiarism. The essay should also avoid using bias. For example, the essay does not use any bias. The essay should also avoid using discrimination. For example, the essay does not use any discrimination. The essay should also avoid using offensive language. For example, the essay does not use any offensive language. The essay should also avoid using inappropriate language. For example, the essay does not use any inappropriate language. The essay should also avoid using jargon. For example, the essay does not use any jargon. The essay should also avoid using clichés. For example, the essay does not use any clichés. The essay should also avoid using contractions. For example, the essay does not use any contractions. The essay should also avoid using personal opinions. For example, the essay does not express any personal opinions. The essay should also avoid using subjective language. For example, the essay does not use any subjective language. The essay should also avoid using vague language. For example, the essay does not use any vague language. The essay should also avoid using unnecessary repetition. For example, the essay does not use any unnecessary repetition. The essay should also avoid using incorrect grammar. For example, the essay does not use any incorrect grammar. The essay should also avoid using incorrect punctuation. For example, the essay does not use any incorrect punctuation. The essay should also avoid using incorrect spelling. For example, the essay does not use any incorrect spelling. The essay should also avoid using incorrect capitalization. For example, the essay does not use any incorrect capitalization. The essay should also avoid using incorrect formatting. For example, the essay does not use any incorrect formatting. The essay should also avoid using incorrect referencing. For example, the essay does not use any incorrect referencing. The essay should also avoid using plagiarism. For example, the essay does not use any plagiarism. The essay should also avoid using bias. For example, the essay does not use any bias. The essay should also avoid using discrimination. For example, the essay does not use any discrimination. The essay should also avoid using offensive language. For example, the essay does not use any offensive language. The essay should also avoid using inappropriate language. For example, the essay does not use any inappropriate language. The essay should also avoid using jargon. For example, the essay does not use any jargon. The essay should also avoid using clichés. For example, the essay does not use any clichés. The essay should also avoid using contractions. For example, the essay does not use any contractions. The essay should also avoid using personal opinions. For example, the essay does not express any personal opinions. The essay should also avoid using subjective language. For example, the essay does not use any subjective language. The essay should also avoid using vague language. For example, the essay does not use any vague language. The essay should also avoid using unnecessary repetition. For example, the essay does not use any unnecessary repetition. The essay should also avoid using incorrect grammar. For example, the essay does not use any incorrect grammar. The essay should also avoid using incorrect punctuation. For example, the essay does not use any incorrect punctuation. The essay should also avoid using incorrect spelling. For example, the essay does not use any incorrect spelling. The essay should also avoid using incorrect capitalization. For example, the essay does not use any incorrect capitalization. The essay should also avoid using incorrect formatting. For example, the essay does not use any incorrect formatting. The essay should also avoid using incorrect referencing. For example, the essay does not use any incorrect referencing. The essay should also avoid using plagiarism. For example, the essay does not use any plagiarism. The essay should also avoid using bias. For example, the essay does not use any bias. The essay should also avoid using discrimination. For example, the essay does not use any discrimination. The essay should also avoid using offensive language. For example, the essay does not use any offensive language. The essay should also avoid using inappropriate language. For example, the essay does not use any inappropriate language. The essay should also avoid using jargon. For example, the essay does not use any jargon. The essay should also avoid using clichés. For example, the essay does not use any clichés. The essay should also avoid using contractions. For example, the essay does not use any contractions. The essay should also avoid using personal opinions. For example, the essay does not express any personal opinions. The essay should also avoid using subjective language. For example, the essay does not use any subjective language. The essay should also avoid using vague language. For example, the essay does not use any vague language. The essay should also avoid using unnecessary repetition. For example, the essay does not use any unnecessary repetition. The essay should also avoid using incorrect grammar. For example, the essay does not use any incorrect grammar. The essay should also avoid using incorrect punctuation. For example, the essay does not use any incorrect punctuation. The essay should also avoid using incorrect spelling. For example, the essay does not use any incorrect spelling. The essay should also avoid using incorrect capitalization. For example, the essay does not use any incorrect capitalization. The essay should also avoid using incorrect formatting. For example, the essay does not use any incorrect formatting. The essay should also avoid using incorrect referencing. For example, the essay does not use any incorrect referencing. The essay should also avoid using plagiarism. For example, the essay does not use any plagiarism. The essay should also avoid using bias. For example

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, with a clear overall progression from the introduction to the body paragraphs. However, while cohesive devices are used effectively, there are instances of awkward phrasing and mechanical cohesion that detract from the overall clarity. The referencing within and between sentences is not always clear, and paragraphing is present but could be improved for logical flow. The central topics of each paragraph are identifiable, but the transitions between ideas could be smoother.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on using a wider variety of cohesive devices and ensuring that they are applied naturally within the context of the sentences. Improving the clarity of referencing (e.g., using pronouns or synonyms more effectively) would also help. Additionally, revising the structure of paragraphs to ensure that each one flows logically into the next would strengthen the overall organization of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, with some attempts to use less common lexical items. However, there are noticeable inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "optimal use," "at south of," and "bouncing back to the threshold." Additionally, there are some errors in spelling and word formation, such as "with being slightly higher of" and "the most premier position," which detract from the overall clarity. While these errors do not completely impede communication, they do affect the precision and fluency of the writing.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using more precise vocabulary and ensuring correct collocations. Practicing synonyms and varying word choice can help avoid repetition and improve the sophistication of language. Additionally, proofreading for spelling and grammatical errors will enhance clarity and professionalism in the writing. Engaging with a wider range of academic texts can also help in acquiring more advanced vocabulary and understanding its appropriate usage.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of Band 6. While there are some effective structures, the essay contains several grammatical errors and awkward phrases that may hinder clarity. For example, phrases like "the percentage of using social platforms for businesses purposes" and "with being slightly higher of the medium-sized businesses" are not grammatically correct, which affects the overall accuracy. However, the errors do not completely obstruct communication, allowing the reader to grasp the main ideas.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Increase grammatical accuracy: Proofreading for grammatical errors and awkward phrasing can enhance clarity and coherence.
Expand sentence variety: While there are some complex structures, incorporating a wider range of sentence types and ensuring they are used correctly can improve the overall impression.
Refine punctuation: Attention to punctuation can help clarify meaning and improve the flow of the essay.
Clarify ideas: Ensuring that each point is clearly articulated will make the essay more effective and easier to understand.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided chart illustrates the proportion of different scales of firms using social networks for business purposes over the course of four years, commencing in 2012.

Overall, it is evident that large businesses made the most effective use of social media during the period shown, while the opposite was true for small companies. In addition, in 2016, the percentage of companies using social platforms for business purposes across all three sizes was at its highest.

Regarding small and medium businesses, the figures initially stood at around 27% for small firms and above 31% for medium firms. These percentages gradually increased to nearly 35% for small businesses and just below 50% for medium ones after three years. During the intervening period, a slight drop to 30% was observed in both categories in 2014 before bouncing back to the threshold of 50%, with medium-sized businesses being slightly higher.

Further examination of large firms reveals that, at the outset, the rate of entrepreneurs using social media was less than 80% and reached a plateau over the next three years. However, this figure significantly surged to above 80% in 2014 before returning to approximately 80% in 2015, placing it in the leading position among the surveyed categories.