The best way to ensure children’s development is for parents to participate in parenting courses. Do you agree or disagree?

The best way to ensure children’s development is for parents to participate in parenting courses.

Do you agree or disagree?

A school of thought holds that joining courses aiming at teaching children is the most optimal way to guarantee children’s growth. I concur with this statement due to the profound impact primary caregivers can exert on their offsprings.

One valid argument supporting my stance that participation of parents in parenting programs is the most effective in making sure a child’s wellness is the useful information intertwined with psychology of such courses. To better illustrate this, here is an example, if parents do not know about attachment theory presented in many teaching materials of many courses can raise the likelihood of their children accidentally getting unhealthy attachments style such as anxious or avoidant attachment, naturally engendering many obstacles in intimate relationships.

However, one might argue that education institutions can do the same in making sure children are well-developed thanks to teachers’ expertise. Nonetheless, I believe this assertion is not sound as many schools and kindergartens globally do not have teachers specialized in psychology and tend to focus on academic performances instead of children’s mental health. In addition, the majority of the education systems do not have access to children’s early childhood as parents do when long-lasting effects can be created; therefore, underscoring the significance of parents learning how to gain proper education through courses.

In conclusion, I am convinced that parents should takes parenting courses due to the profound impacts caregivers hold when they can shape children in their formulative years. Added to this is the specialization in psychology of parenting classes to ensure children’s development, which is hard to be found elsewhere.

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Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "A school of thought holds" -> "It is widely believed"
   Explanation: "A school of thought holds" is somewhat vague and informal for academic writing. "It is widely believed" is more direct and formal, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.

2. "joining courses aiming at teaching children" -> "enrolling in courses designed to educate children"
   Explanation: "Aiming at teaching children" is awkward and informal. "Designed to educate children" is more precise and formal, fitting the academic style better.

3. "the most optimal way to guarantee" -> "the most effective method to ensure"
   Explanation: "Optimal" is somewhat informal and less precise in this context. "Effective" is more commonly used in academic discussions about methods, and "ensure" is more formal than "guarantee."

4. "profound impact primary caregivers can exert on their offsprings" -> "significant influence primary caregivers can exert on their offspring"
   Explanation: "Profound" is somewhat overused and can be replaced with "significant" for variation. "Offsprings" is less formal and typically used in more general contexts; "offspring" is the correct term in formal writing.

5. "participation of parents in parenting programs" -> "parental involvement in parenting programs"
   Explanation: "Participation of parents" is a bit redundant; "parental involvement" is more concise and formal.

6. "the useful information intertwined with psychology of such courses" -> "the relevant information integrated into the psychology of such courses"
   Explanation: "Useful" is vague and informal; "relevant" is more precise and appropriate for academic contexts. "Intertwined" is also less formal; "integrated" is more suitable for describing the inclusion of information in a structured program.

7. "accidentally getting unhealthy attachments style" -> "accidentally developing unhealthy attachment styles"
   Explanation: "Attachments style" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. "Attachment styles" is the correct term, and "developing" is more precise than "getting."

8. "naturally engendering many obstacles" -> "naturally creating numerous challenges"
   Explanation: "Engendering" is less common and can be replaced with "creating" for clarity and formality. "Obstacles" can be replaced with "challenges" for a more neutral and academic tone.

9. "do the same" -> "achieve the same"
   Explanation: "Do the same" is informal and vague. "Achieve the same" is more specific and formal, fitting the academic style better.

10. "many schools and kindergartens globally do not have teachers specialized in psychology" -> "many schools and kindergartens worldwide lack teachers with specialized training in psychology"
    Explanation: "Do not have" is informal and can be replaced with "lack," which is more formal. "Specialized in" is also less precise than "with specialized training in," which is more specific and formal.

11. "tends to focus on academic performances" -> "typically focuses on academic performance"
    Explanation: "Tends to focus" is less direct and less formal; "typically focuses" is more assertive and suitable for academic writing.

12. "the majority of the education systems do not have access to children’s early childhood" -> "most educational systems lack access to children’s early childhood"
    Explanation: "The majority of the education systems" is redundant; "most educational systems" is more concise. "Do not have access to" can be replaced with "lack access to" for a more formal tone.

13. "long-lasting effects can be created" -> "long-term effects can be established"
    Explanation: "Long-lasting" is less formal and slightly vague; "long-term" is more precise and formal. "Created" can be replaced with "established" for a more academic tone.

14. "takes parenting courses" -> "enroll in parenting courses"
    Explanation: "Takes" is informal and less precise; "enroll in" is the correct verb form for formal academic writing.

15. "can shape children in their formulative years" -> "can shape children during their formative years"
    Explanation: "Formulative" is not a standard term; "formative" is the correct adjective for describing the period of development. "During" is more precise than "in" in this context.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by clearly stating a position of agreement with the statement that parents should participate in parenting courses. The author presents arguments supporting this view, particularly emphasizing the role of parents in children’s development and the psychological insights gained from such courses. However, while the essay acknowledges a counterargument regarding the role of educational institutions, it does not fully explore this perspective, which could have provided a more balanced view of the topic.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the author should consider elaborating on the counterargument more thoroughly. This could involve discussing specific ways in which educational institutions can contribute to children’s development and then contrasting these with the benefits of parenting courses. This would demonstrate a more comprehensive understanding of the topic and strengthen the overall argument.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, consistently advocating for the importance of parenting courses. The introduction and conclusion reinforce this stance effectively. However, the transition between the main argument and the counterargument could be clearer, as the shift may confuse readers about the author’s ultimate position.
  • How to improve: To improve clarity, the author could use transitional phrases that explicitly state the purpose of presenting the counterargument. For example, phrases like "While some may argue that…" can help signal to the reader that a different perspective is being considered before reaffirming the original stance.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, particularly the importance of psychological knowledge in parenting. The example of attachment theory is relevant and helps to illustrate the argument. However, the development of ideas could be more robust. The argument about the limitations of educational institutions is mentioned but not sufficiently supported with examples or evidence.
  • How to improve: To strengthen the essay, the author should aim to provide more detailed examples or evidence to support each point made. For instance, citing specific studies or statistics about the effectiveness of parenting courses versus traditional educational methods would add depth to the argument. Additionally, expanding on the implications of the psychological theories mentioned would further substantiate the claims.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the role of parents and parenting courses in child development. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more tightly focused. For instance, the mention of teachers’ expertise and academic performance, while relevant, could distract from the main argument about parenting courses.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that each paragraph directly relates back to the central thesis. This can be achieved by consistently linking back to the main argument in each section and avoiding tangential points that do not directly support the thesis. Additionally, summarizing how each point ties back to the importance of parenting courses would help maintain a clear focus throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument in favor of parents participating in parenting courses, but the organization of ideas could be improved. The introduction effectively states the writer’s position, and the body paragraphs provide supporting arguments. However, the transition between the first and second body paragraphs could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing the psychological benefits of parenting courses to the limitations of educational institutions feels abrupt. The argument about the lack of specialized teachers could be better integrated to maintain a logical flow.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases to connect ideas between paragraphs. For example, after discussing the psychological benefits of parenting courses, you could introduce the next point with a phrase like, "While parenting courses offer significant advantages, some may argue that educational institutions can fulfill this role." This would help guide the reader through your argument more seamlessly.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The first paragraph introduces the topic and the writer’s stance, while the subsequent paragraphs delve into supporting arguments. However, the first body paragraph is somewhat lengthy and could benefit from being split into two separate paragraphs to enhance readability and focus.
  • How to improve: Consider breaking the first body paragraph into two: one focusing on the psychological aspects of parenting courses and the other on the potential drawbacks of relying solely on educational institutions. This division would allow for a clearer presentation of ideas and make it easier for the reader to follow your argument.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "however," "in addition," and "for instance," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be clearer. For example, the phrase "To better illustrate this" could be replaced with a more varied expression to avoid repetition and enhance the essay’s fluidity.
  • How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For instance, you could use "furthermore," "consequently," or "on the other hand" to create more nuanced connections between ideas. Additionally, consider using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned concepts, which can help maintain coherence without unnecessary repetition.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument. By focusing on improving the logical flow between ideas, refining paragraph structure, and expanding the variety of cohesive devices, the essay can achieve an even higher level of coherence and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with terms such as "optimal," "wellness," "attachment theory," and "formulative years" showcasing an ability to convey complex ideas. However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more varied or sophisticated. For example, the phrase "useful information intertwined with psychology" could be expressed with more specific terminology related to psychological concepts.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and more advanced terms. For instance, instead of "useful information," consider using "valuable insights" or "critical knowledge." Additionally, exploring more academic language related to child development and psychology could elevate the essay’s lexical quality.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: While the essay generally uses vocabulary appropriately, there are moments of imprecision. The phrase "accidentally getting unhealthy attachments style" is awkward and could be clearer. The term "attachments style" should be corrected to "attachment styles," and the phrase could be restructured for clarity.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on grammatical accuracy and clarity. For example, instead of saying "can raise the likelihood of their children accidentally getting unhealthy attachments style," a more precise formulation would be "may increase the likelihood of their children developing unhealthy attachment styles." This not only corrects the grammar but also enhances clarity.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "formulative" (which should be "formative") and "takes" (which should be "take"). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can confuse readers.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular proofreading and utilize spell-check tools. Additionally, practicing spelling of commonly used academic vocabulary can help. Keeping a list of frequently misspelled words and reviewing them can also be beneficial.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary, but there is room for improvement in terms of range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on these areas, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of sentence structures, including complex sentences and conditional clauses. For example, phrases like "if parents do not know about attachment theory" and "one might argue that education institutions can do the same" showcase an ability to construct conditional and hypothetical statements. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, such as "the most effective in making sure a child’s wellness is the useful information intertwined with psychology of such courses," which could be rephrased for greater variety.
  • How to improve: To enhance the diversity of sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more varied sentence beginnings and lengths. For instance, instead of starting multiple sentences with "I believe" or "one might argue," the writer could use introductory phrases or clauses that provide context or contrast, such as "While some may contend that…" or "In contrast to this view…". Additionally, using more passive constructions or different conjunctions could help vary the flow of the essay.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally good command of grammar, but there are notable errors that detract from clarity. For example, the phrase "parents should takes parenting courses" contains a subject-verb agreement error; it should be "parents should take parenting courses." Furthermore, punctuation issues arise in complex sentences, such as the lack of a comma before "if parents do not know about attachment theory," which can lead to confusion in understanding the sentence’s structure.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should carefully proofread their work to catch subject-verb agreement errors and ensure that all sentences are complete and correctly punctuated. Practicing the use of commas in complex sentences will also enhance clarity. For example, breaking down longer sentences into shorter, clearer ones can help avoid run-on sentences and improve readability. Engaging in grammar exercises focused on common errors, such as subject-verb agreement and punctuation rules, could also be beneficial.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

A school of thought holds that enrolling in courses designed to educate children is the most optimal way to guarantee children’s growth. I concur with this statement due to the profound influence primary caregivers can exert on their offspring.

One valid argument supporting my stance that parental involvement in parenting programs is the most effective method to ensure a child’s wellness is the useful information integrated into the psychology of such courses. To better illustrate this, here is an example: if parents do not know about attachment theory presented in many teaching materials, they can raise the likelihood of their children accidentally developing unhealthy attachment styles, such as anxious or avoidant attachment, naturally creating numerous challenges in intimate relationships.

However, one might argue that educational institutions can achieve the same goal in ensuring children are well-developed thanks to teachers’ expertise. Nonetheless, I believe this assertion is not sound, as many schools and kindergartens globally lack teachers with specialized training in psychology and typically focus on academic performance instead of children’s mental health. In addition, most educational systems do not have access to children’s early childhood experiences as parents do when long-term effects can be established; therefore, this underscores the significance of parents learning how to gain proper education through courses.

In conclusion, I am convinced that parents should enroll in parenting courses due to the profound impacts caregivers hold when they can shape children during their formative years. Added to this is the specialization in psychology of parenting classes to ensure children’s development, which is hard to find elsewhere.