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The best way to reduce poverty in developing countries is by giving up to six years of free education, so that they can at least read, write and use numbers. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

The best way to reduce poverty in developing countries is by giving up to six years of free education, so that they can at least read, write and use numbers. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

There is a prevailing that providing the free education up to six years is the most effective measure for developing nations to alleviate poor conditions. I completely disagree with this statement and I argue that although citizens are given freely education bringing benefits, there are many more effective solutions which can address disadvantaged aspects. My essay below will analyze several reasons to support my viewpoint.

To begin with, education exposure without payment can offer individuals a foundational knowledge related to literacy and numeracy making trade everyday life convenient. Process between selling and buying requires individuals to know read words and calculate simple formulas. If process runs smoothly, it can foster the international trading more regularly and easily contributing a substantial amount of money from outside into the economy. Besides, engaging in free educational institutions can potentially alleviate the fraud. Many foreigners or those who possess a profound knowledge often abuse the weak of inhabitants without illiteracy to occupy their property. For example, the frauders can rent illiterates’ land to establish a factory with the extremely cheap prices.

However, I claim that the investment in technology and the consultant of developed countries are the most determinants contributing to the prosperity’s nation. Regarding the former, the advent of state of the art facilities brings more quicker pace and effective productivity in many countries in today’s morden society. Therefore, the high-ranking authorities in poor countries should seek the loan to allocate to high-tech devices can boost many better aspects of their nations including economy, medicine, and education. Furthermore, many areas around the world have not been proposed significant initiatives yet to confront unfavourable problems due to the low competence of the government. Consequently, implementing phase often waste time and do not attain high success, even sometimes cause the burden’s finance. Thereby, the cultivation of consultant from international experts plays a critical role in prosper the nation.

In conclusion, I assert that despite the fact that people take part freely in classroom can be beneficial, spending money on technology and receiving assistance through advice are more critical contributors to nation progress.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "There is a prevailing that providing the free education up to six years is the most effective measure for developing nations to alleviate poor conditions." -> "There is a prevailing notion that offering free education for up to six years is the most effective measure for developing nations to alleviate impoverished conditions."
    Explanation: Replacing "prevailing" with "notion" and rephrasing the sentence enhances clarity and aligns with a more formal tone.

  2. "I completely disagree with this statement and I argue that although citizens are given freely education bringing benefits, there are many more effective solutions which can address disadvantaged aspects." -> "I strongly disagree with this assertion. I contend that while providing citizens with free education yields benefits, there are more effective solutions to address disadvantaged aspects."
    Explanation: Replacing "completely disagree" with "strongly disagree" and restructuring the sentence for better flow improves the formality and precision of the expression.

  3. "My essay below will analyze several reasons to support my viewpoint." -> "The following essay will analyze various reasons to support my viewpoint."
    Explanation: Simplifying the sentence and avoiding the use of "below" contributes to a more direct and formal presentation.

  4. "education exposure without payment" -> "education without charge"
    Explanation: The phrase "education exposure without payment" is awkward; replacing it with "education without charge" maintains the meaning in a more standard and formal manner.

  5. "making trade everyday life convenient." -> "facilitating everyday trade."
    Explanation: The phrase "making trade everyday life convenient" is unclear; revising it to "facilitating everyday trade" enhances clarity and formality.

  6. "Process between selling and buying requires individuals to know read words and calculate simple formulas." -> "The process of buying and selling necessitates individuals to be literate and proficient in basic arithmetic."
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for better clarity and replacing "know read words" with "be literate" enhances formality.

  7. "it can foster the international trading more regularly and easily contributing a substantial amount of money from outside into the economy." -> "It can promote more regular and seamless international trade, thereby contributing a substantial influx of capital into the economy."
    Explanation: Improving the structure and replacing "foster" with "promote" and "contributing" with "thereby contributing" enhances formality and precision.

  8. "Many foreigners or those who possess a profound knowledge often abuse the weak of inhabitants without illiteracy to occupy their property." -> "Foreigners or individuals with extensive knowledge often exploit the vulnerabilities of illiterate inhabitants to seize their property."
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for better flow and replacing "abuse the weak of inhabitants without illiteracy" with "exploit the vulnerabilities of illiterate inhabitants" improves clarity and formality.

  9. "For example, the frauders can rent illiterates’ land to establish a factory with the extremely cheap prices." -> "For example, fraudsters may lease land from illiterate individuals at exceptionally low prices to establish a factory."
    Explanation: Correcting the term "frauders" to "fraudsters" and improving the sentence structure enhances formality and precision.

  10. "However, I claim that the investment in technology and the consultant of developed countries are the most determinants contributing to the prosperity’s nation." -> "However, I assert that investments in technology and consultation from developed countries are the primary determinants contributing to a nation’s prosperity."
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and precision, and replacing "the most determinants" with "primary determinants" improves formality.

  11. "Regarding the former, the advent of state of the art facilities brings more quicker pace and effective productivity in many countries in today’s morden society." -> "Concerning the former, the advent of state-of-the-art facilities accelerates productivity in many countries in today’s modern society."
    Explanation: Replacing "more quicker pace" with "accelerates" and refining the sentence structure enhances formality and clarity.

  12. "Therefore, the high-ranking authorities in poor countries should seek the loan to allocate to high-tech devices can boost many better aspects of their nations including economy, medicine, and education." -> "Therefore, the high-ranking authorities in poor countries should seek loans to allocate funds for high-tech devices, which can enhance various aspects of their nations, including the economy, medicine, and education."
    Explanation: Clarifying the sentence structure and replacing "seek the loan" with "seek loans" improves formality and precision.

  13. "Furthermore, many areas around the world have not been proposed significant initiatives yet to confront unfavorable problems due to the low competence of the government." -> "Furthermore, in many areas around the world, significant initiatives have not yet been proposed to address pressing issues, often due to the low competence of the government."
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for better flow and replacing "confront unfavorable problems" with "address pressing issues" improves formality and precision.

  14. "Consequently, implementing phase often waste time and do not attain high success, even sometimes cause the burden’s finance." -> "Consequently, implementation phases often waste time and do not achieve high success; they may even contribute to financial burdens."
    Explanation: Correcting the phrase "implementing phase" to "implementation phases" and refining the sentence structure improves formality and clarity.

  15. "Thereby, the cultivation of consultant from international experts plays a critical role in prosper the nation." -> "Thus, cultivating consultancy from international experts plays a critical role in fostering the nation’s prosperity."
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for better flow and replacing "prosper the nation" with "fostering the nation’s prosperity" improves formality and precision.

  16. "In conclusion, I assert that despite the fact that people take part freely in classroom can be beneficial, spending money on technology and receiving assistance through advice are more critical contributors to nation progress." -> "In conclusion, I assert that, while free participation in the classroom can be beneficial, investing in technology and seeking assistance through advice are more critical contributors to national progress."
    Explanation: Clarifying the sentence structure and refining the expression for better precision enhances formality and clarity.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay partially addresses all parts of the question. While the writer expresses disagreement with the idea of providing six years of free education, the argumentation focuses more on alternative solutions, particularly the investment in technology and consulting with developed countries. There is an understanding of the prompt but a lack of in-depth analysis of the specific benefits or drawbacks of free education for six years in developing nations.
    • How to improve: To enhance the response, consider providing a more balanced evaluation of the advantages and disadvantages of offering six years of free education. Explore specific ways in which free education could or could not effectively reduce poverty in developing countries.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position against the idea of providing six years of free education. However, there are instances where the focus shifts towards discussing the benefits of technology and consulting. The overall stance should be consistently emphasized throughout the essay.
    • How to improve: Strengthen the essay’s clarity by ensuring that each paragraph reinforces the main position against the proposed solution. Avoid introducing elements that may dilute the central argument.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The ideas presented in the essay lack depth and clarity. While the writer briefly mentions the convenience of literacy and numeracy for trade, the examples provided are somewhat unclear. The second paragraph introduces the alternative solutions, but the explanation is vague and lacks specific illustrations.
    • How to improve: Elaborate on each idea with more concrete examples and evidence. Provide detailed explanations for how free education may or may not address poverty, and likewise, elaborate on how technology and consulting can be more effective. Develop each point with greater detail and coherence.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally deviates from the main topic. There are instances where the focus shifts from the proposed solution of free education to discussing the importance of technology and international consulting. While these points may be relevant, they should be more seamlessly integrated into the argument.
    • How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph contributes directly to the discussion on free education and its effectiveness in reducing poverty. If alternative solutions are introduced, make sure they are discussed in relation to the primary topic without overshadowing the main argument.

In conclusion, the essay demonstrates a clear position against the proposed solution but lacks depth in the presentation and support of ideas. To improve, focus on providing a more comprehensive analysis of the prompt, maintaining a consistent stance, and elaborating on ideas with concrete examples.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a somewhat mixed organizational structure. While there is an attempt to introduce the topic and present a clear thesis, the overall organization lacks coherence. Ideas are presented in a somewhat scattered manner, making it challenging for the reader to follow a logical progression. For instance, the discussion on the benefits of free education is interspersed with arguments against it, creating confusion in the overall flow.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider a more systematic approach. Start with a clear introduction that outlines your stance, followed by distinct paragraphs for each supporting point. Ensure a smooth transition between ideas to guide the reader through a cohesive argument.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay struggles with effective paragraphing. While there is an attempt to separate ideas into paragraphs, the lack of clear topic sentences and transitions between paragraphs hinders their effectiveness. Additionally, some paragraphs address multiple points, making it challenging for the reader to discern the main idea of each.
    • How to improve: Work on structuring paragraphs with a clear topic sentence at the beginning, followed by supporting details and examples. Each paragraph should focus on a single point to maintain clarity. Ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs to create a seamless flow of ideas.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes some cohesive devices, but their effectiveness is inconsistent. There is a need for more varied and appropriate linking words and phrases to connect ideas and guide the reader through the argument. Additionally, the use of cohesive devices within paragraphs could be improved for better coherence.
    • How to improve: Increase the variety of cohesive devices, such as conjunctions (however, therefore, for example), transitional phrases (in conclusion, to begin with), and pronouns (it, these, those). Ensure their appropriate placement to enhance the overall coherence. Practice using cohesive devices within and between paragraphs for a smoother and more connected essay.

Overall, while the essay presents a clear position on the prompt, refining organizational skills, improving paragraph structure, and enhancing the use of cohesive devices will contribute to a more coherent and cohesive piece of writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. While some words and phrases are used effectively, there is room for improvement in diversifying the vocabulary further. For instance, the repeated use of certain terms like "illiteracy" and "fraud" could be replaced with alternative expressions to enrich the language.

    • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider introducing synonyms or employing varied expressions to convey similar ideas. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "illiteracy," explore alternatives such as "lack of literacy skills" or "educational deprivation." This can add depth and nuance to your language.

  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally exhibits imprecise vocabulary usage, leading to some ambiguity in conveying ideas. For example, the term "frauders" might be better replaced with "fraudsters" for accuracy. Additionally, there are instances where word choices could be more precise, such as in the phrase "many better aspects" where specifying the aspects would enhance clarity.

    • How to improve: Strive for precision in word choice to convey your ideas more clearly. In the case of "frauders," use the correct term "fraudsters." When discussing "many better aspects," be specific about which aspects you are referring to, such as "economic, medical, and educational improvements." This ensures a more accurate and nuanced expression of your thoughts.

  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits some spelling errors, such as "morden" instead of "modern." While these errors do not significantly impede understanding, they can affect the overall impression of language proficiency.

    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, proofread your work carefully, or consider using spelling and grammar-check tools. Additionally, make a conscious effort to review common spelling patterns and practice their application. Developing a habit of thorough proofreading will contribute to more accurate spelling in your writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. There is an attempt to vary sentence lengths and structures, but there is room for improvement. Simple and compound sentences dominate the essay. For instance, the use of complex sentences is limited. The essay lacks variety in sentence beginnings and structures, which may affect the overall fluency and sophistication of the writing.
    • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and effectiveness, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as compound-complex sentences and varied sentence beginnings. Additionally, pay attention to transitions between sentences to ensure a smooth flow. This can be achieved by using a mix of coordinating and subordinating conjunctions.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a good level of grammatical accuracy, with only minor errors. However, there are some notable punctuation mistakes, such as missing or misplaced commas. For example, in the sentence "My essay below will analyze several reasons to support my viewpoint," a comma is needed after "below" to enhance clarity. There is also inconsistent capitalization, as seen in "morden society" and "state of the art facilities."
    • How to improve: Carefully review punctuation rules, particularly the use of commas and capitalization. Ensure that commas are appropriately placed to separate ideas and enhance readability. Additionally, consistently apply correct capitalization rules for proper nouns and the beginnings of sentences. Proofread the essay to catch and correct such errors for a polished final product.

Bài sửa mẫu

There is a prevailing notion that offering free education for up to six years is the most effective measure for developing nations to alleviate impoverished conditions. I strongly disagree with this assertion. I contend that while providing citizens with free education yields benefits, there are more effective solutions to address disadvantaged aspects. The following essay will analyze various reasons to support my viewpoint.

To begin with, education without charge can facilitate everyday trade. The process of buying and selling necessitates individuals to be literate and proficient in basic arithmetic. It can promote more regular and seamless international trade, thereby contributing a substantial influx of capital into the economy. Foreigners or individuals with extensive knowledge often exploit the vulnerabilities of illiterate inhabitants to seize their property. For example, fraudsters may lease land from illiterate individuals at exceptionally low prices to establish a factory.

However, I assert that investments in technology and consultation from developed countries are the primary determinants contributing to a nation’s prosperity. Concerning the former, the advent of state-of-the-art facilities accelerates productivity in many countries in today’s modern society. Therefore, the high-ranking authorities in poor countries should seek loans to allocate funds for high-tech devices, which can enhance various aspects of their nations, including the economy, medicine, and education.

Furthermore, in many areas around the world, significant initiatives have not yet been proposed to address pressing issues, often due to the low competence of the government. Consequently, implementation phases often waste time and do not achieve high success; they may even contribute to financial burdens. Thus, cultivating consultancy from international experts plays a critical role in fostering the nation’s prosperity.

In conclusion, I assert that, while free participation in the classroom can be beneficial, investing in technology and seeking assistance through advice are more critical contributors to national progress.

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