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The best way to teach children to cooperate is through team sports at school. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

The best way to teach children to cooperate is through team sports at school. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

An increasing number of individuals contend that children can enhance their sense of solidarity and emotional regulation through participation in team sports at school. In this essay, I will argue that this approach has both advantages for enhancing children's personality and drawbacks concerning access to other activities.

On the one hand, children may enhance their capacity to integrate into the community and improve their ability to cooperate with peers by engaging in team sports, especially football and basketball. Participation in team sports is crucial for children to learn how to cultivate their teamwork skills, which are vital for facilitating effective cooperation. Furthermore, playing team sports at school helps children improve their emotional quotient, which is essential for effective cooperation. By participating in team sports, it is crucial that children learn how to control their emotions in order to communicate efficiently during matches. According to a recent study, nearly all children who engage in team sports may acquire solidarity and cooperation skills as they grow up.

However, it is worth noting that acquiring communication skills through team sports may not be universally appropriate for children in all contexts. Exercising these skills does not facilitate introverted children in integrating with peers, as communication is crucial in playing sports. Therefore, for children who may not thrive in team sports, various alternative activities are available for them to enhance their cooperation skills. Engaging in various workshops or volunteer projects, these children, who are not confident initially, can divide into small groups and gradually acquire other skills such as problem-solving and cooperation. Additionally, they will have the opportunity to connect with individuals from diverse fields through social projects, which can facilitate their acquisition of communication skills in numerous situations and how to address them. My personal experience in project involvement has taught me the importance of collaborative skills.

In conclusion, while there are various advantages to enhancing children's cooperation skills through team sports, it's important to recognize that other activities can also play a crucial role in their skill development. From my perspective, both endeavors can inspire and motivate them to cooperate better with peers in the future.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "An increasing number of individuals contend that" -> "A growing number of individuals argue that"
    Explanation: Replacing "An increasing number of individuals contend that" with "A growing number of individuals argue that" provides a more concise and formal expression while maintaining the original meaning.

  2. "children can enhance their sense of solidarity" -> "children can bolster their sense of solidarity"
    Explanation: Replacing "enhance" with "bolster" adds a more sophisticated tone without altering the core idea of strengthening solidarity.

  3. "I will argue that this approach has both advantages" -> "I will argue that this approach offers both advantages"
    Explanation: Adding "offers" after "this approach" makes the sentence more precise and formal.

  4. "On the one hand" -> "Firstly"
    Explanation: Replacing the informal phrase "On the one hand" with "Firstly" is more academically appropriate for structuring arguments.

  5. "especially football and basketball" -> "particularly in sports like football and basketball"
    Explanation: The addition of "particularly in sports like" adds specificity and formality to the sentence.

  6. "Participation in team sports is crucial for children" -> "Engagement in team sports is imperative for children"
    Explanation: Substituting "Participation" with "Engagement" and "crucial" with "imperative" elevates the formality of the statement.

  7. "By participating in team sports, it is crucial that children learn how to control their emotions" -> "Participation in team sports necessitates that children acquire emotional control"
    Explanation: The revised sentence conveys the same idea more succinctly and formally.

  8. "According to a recent study, nearly all children" -> "According to a recent study, the majority of children"
    Explanation: The use of "the majority of children" is more precise and avoids an overly absolute statement.

  9. "it is worth noting that acquiring communication skills" -> "It is worth noting that the acquisition of communication skills"
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence improves clarity and formality.

  10. "Exercising these skills does not facilitate introverted children" -> "Exercising these skills may not benefit introverted children"
    Explanation: The revised phrase conveys the same idea more accurately.

  11. "for children who may not thrive in team sports" -> "for children who may not excel in team sports"
    Explanation: "Excel" is a more suitable word choice for formal writing.

  12. "diversify fields through social projects" -> "diverse fields through social projects"
    Explanation: "Diverse" is the correct adjective form in this context.

  13. "My personal experience in project involvement" -> "My personal experience with project participation"
    Explanation: "With project participation" is a more precise and formal phrase.

  14. "both endeavors can inspire and motivate them" -> "both activities can inspire and motivate them"
    Explanation: "Activities" is a more formal term to refer to the discussed subjects.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses all parts of the question by discussing both the advantages and drawbacks of teaching children to cooperate through team sports at school.
    • How to improve: The essay could further improve by providing more specific examples or evidence to support the argument.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position throughout by arguing that while team sports have advantages for enhancing children’s personality, other activities are also important for cooperation skills.
    • How to improve: To enhance clarity, the essay could explicitly state the position in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports ideas. It provides examples like football and basketball to illustrate the benefits of team sports and mentions workshops and volunteer projects as alternatives.
    • How to improve: To further improve, the essay could elaborate on the specific benefits of each alternative activity and provide more evidence or statistics to support the claims.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay stays on topic throughout and does not deviate from discussing the teaching of cooperation through team sports and alternative activities.
    • How to improve: There is no need for improvement in this aspect; the essay maintains focus and relevance to the topic effectively.

Overall, this essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and effectively addresses each checklist item. To enhance the essay further, it could benefit from providing more specific examples, explicitly stating the position in the introduction, and offering more detailed support for alternative activities. However, it successfully maintains focus on the topic and presents a well-structured argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally organizes information logically. It starts with an introduction that presents the topic and provides a clear thesis statement. The body paragraphs are structured to present arguments both in favor of and against the idea that team sports are the best way to teach cooperation. Finally, it concludes by summarizing the main points. However, there are instances where the flow of ideas could be improved. For example, the transition between the advantages and disadvantages of team sports could be smoother, as it currently shifts abruptly from discussing the benefits to the drawbacks without a clear bridge.
    • How to improve: To enhance the logical flow of the essay, consider using transitional phrases or sentences to connect different sections and ideas. For instance, you can use phrases like "On the other hand," or "However," to make the transition between discussing advantages and disadvantages more seamless.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to structure its content. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, and this approach generally works well in terms of readability and organization.
    • How to improve: There’s no major issue with the use of paragraphs in this essay. However, to further improve the effectiveness of paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea of the paragraph. This will help readers follow your arguments more easily.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay makes effective use of cohesive devices to connect ideas and maintain coherence. It uses transitional words and phrases such as "On the one hand," "Furthermore," "However," and "In conclusion" to guide the reader through the essay’s structure and arguments. Additionally, there is consistent use of pronouns to refer back to previously mentioned concepts.
    • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider variety of transition words and phrases to provide even more clarity and smooth transitions between ideas. This can include words like "Moreover," "Nonetheless," "Similarly," and "Conversely" to add variety and sophistication to the essay’s cohesion.

Overall, this essay demonstrates good coherence and cohesion, earning a Band Score of 6. To improve further, pay attention to the smooth transition between contrasting ideas and diversify the range of cohesive devices used. Keep up the good work in structuring your essays logically and using paragraphs effectively to support your arguments.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably wide range of vocabulary. It includes words like "solidarity," "emotional quotient," "introverted," "cooperation skills," and "problem-solving," which contribute to the variety of terms used.
    • How to improve: To further enhance vocabulary range, consider incorporating more nuanced and specific terms related to the essay topic. Utilizing synonyms and exploring related words can add depth to your argument. For instance, instead of frequently using "cooperation skills," you can employ alternatives like "collaborative abilities" or "teamwork competencies."
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary precisely, with well-chosen words that accurately convey the intended meaning. For example, terms like "emotional quotient" and "solidarity" are used appropriately to discuss emotional development and unity among children.
    • How to improve: Continue the practice of selecting words that precisely convey your ideas. Be cautious about using complex vocabulary solely for the sake of it; ensure that the chosen words are the most fitting for the context.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy in the essay is generally satisfactory, with only a few minor errors. For instance, "contend" and "participation" are spelled correctly, but there are minor issues like "exercising" instead of "exercises" and "divided" instead of "divide."
    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider proofreading the essay thoroughly before submission. Additionally, you may benefit from using spelling and grammar checking tools to catch and rectify minor errors. Reviewing commonly misspelled words can also be helpful in avoiding such mistakes.

Overall, your essay demonstrates a good command of vocabulary, but there is room for improvement in terms of expanding your range and ensuring perfect spelling accuracy. Keep practicing and refining your vocabulary usage to enhance your writing further.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably good variety of sentence structures. It effectively utilizes simple and complex sentences throughout the essay. For instance, simple sentences like "On the one hand, children may enhance their capacity to integrate into the community" are used alongside more complex ones such as "Engaging in various workshops or volunteer projects, these children, who are not confident initially, can divide into small groups and gradually acquire other skills."
    • How to improve: While the essay does use a range of structures, it could benefit from occasionally incorporating compound-complex sentences to further diversify the sentence structures. For example, you can introduce sentences that combine multiple ideas or clauses to create a more nuanced argument.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates a good level of grammatical accuracy with few noticeable errors. For instance, phrases like "An increasing number of individuals contend" and "it’s important to recognize that other activities can also play a crucial role" are grammatically correct.
    • How to improve: To further improve grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to subject-verb agreement and use of articles. For instance, consider revising the sentence "By participating in team sports, it is crucial that children learn how to control their emotions in order to communicate efficiently during matches" to "Participating in team sports is crucial for children as it helps them learn how to control their emotions and communicate efficiently during matches." Additionally, use commas more consistently to improve clarity, such as in "Engaging in various workshops or volunteer projects, these children, who are not confident initially, can divide into small groups and gradually acquire other skills." (Add a comma after "volunteer projects" for clarity).

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and sentence structure, with only minor areas for improvement. Keep working on sentence variety and attention to detail to further enhance the overall quality of your writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

An increasing number of individuals argue that children can bolster their sense of solidarity and emotional control through participation in team sports at school. In this essay, I will argue that this approach offers both advantages and disadvantages in terms of developing children’s personality.

Firstly, engagement in team sports is imperative for children, particularly in sports like football and basketball, as it helps them enhance their capacity to integrate into the community and improve their ability to cooperate with peers. Participation in team sports is crucial for children to learn how to cultivate their teamwork skills, which are vital for facilitating effective cooperation. Furthermore, playing team sports at school helps children improve their emotional control, which is essential for effective cooperation. By participating in team sports, it is crucial that children learn how to control their emotions in order to communicate efficiently during matches. According to a recent study, the majority of children who engage in team sports may acquire solidarity and cooperation skills as they grow up.

However, it is worth noting that the acquisition of communication skills through team sports may not benefit introverted children. Exercising these skills may not benefit introverted children, as communication is crucial in playing sports. Therefore, for children who may not excel in team sports, there are various alternative activities available for them to enhance their cooperation skills. Engaging in diverse fields through social projects, these children, who are not confident initially, can divide into small groups and gradually acquire other skills such as problem-solving and cooperation. Additionally, they will have the opportunity to connect with individuals from diverse fields through social projects, which can facilitate their acquisition of communication skills. My personal experience with project participation has taught me the importance of collaborative skills.

In conclusion, while there are various advantages to enhancing children’s cooperation skills through team sports, it’s important to recognize that other activities can also play a crucial role in their skill development. From my perspective, both activities can inspire and motivate them to cooperate better with peers in the future.

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