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The best way to teach children to cooperate is through team sports at school. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

The best way to teach children to cooperate is through team sports at school. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is considered that the most effective method to teach children how to collaborate is through team sports. From my perspectives, I partially agree with that point due to the healthy competition of children when being in a sports team, which creates various factors in becoming cooperative for children. However, it is essential to ( acknowledge / recognize ) that not all children prefer being in a sports team for practicing cooperative skills, which can lead to feelings of disagreement rather than fostering cooperation.

On the one hand, through team sports, children can likely learn beneficial skills associated with cooperative skills, which develops a sense of responsibility and accountability towards their teammates, fostering a cooperative mindset. In other words, children tend to communicate effectively, resolve conflicts and support those in need to go for a victory in a competition for the sake of a class or an organization. For instance, if a soccer team always plays with full cooperative skills and assists with one another's mental health after a loss. This not only may prevent children from being upset, but also encourage them to learn the value of collaboration and cooperation, as well as the power of friendship.

On the other hand, it is necessary to acknowledge that not all children enjoy being in a specific team sport for creating cooperative skills. This may lead to the feelings of exclusion and disagreement rather than fostering cooperation due to different approaches in developing a child mindset. Specifically, when they are forced to ( participate / take part / get involved ) in a sports team that is against their interests, this can have detrimental effects on their overall experiences, especially female children. For example, a child with interests in activities such as singing or painting may not effectively develop cooperative skills in a sports team. Therefore, using this method to instill cooperation may be a counterproductive approach to their mindset.

To sum up, while it may be believed that teaching children cooperation through sports teams works the best, I still support the standpoint that this method can bring positive and beneficial skills to children. However, it is vital to wisely select which characteristics are appropriate for this method of teaching and come up with appropriate approaches for children.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "It is considered that" -> "It is widely believed that"
    Explanation: Replacing "It is considered that" with "It is widely believed that" introduces a more formal and authoritative tone, aligning with academic style.

  2. "From my perspectives" -> "From my perspective"
    Explanation: Correcting "From my perspectives" to "From my perspective" maintains singular agreement, enhancing the precision and formality of the expression.

  3. "acknowledge / recognize" -> "acknowledge"
    Explanation: Choosing "acknowledge" over "acknowledge/recognize" simplifies the sentence while retaining a formal tone, as the two terms are often interchangeable and may be redundant when used together.

  4. "cooperative for children" -> "collaborative among children"
    Explanation: Substituting "cooperative for children" with "collaborative among children" conveys a more sophisticated and academically appropriate term for working together.

  5. "On the one hand" -> "Firstly"
    Explanation: Replacing "On the one hand" with "Firstly" adds structure to the essay, making the transition more formal and organized.

  6. "children can likely learn" -> "children can acquire"
    Explanation: Substituting "children can likely learn" with "children can acquire" improves the precision of the statement, avoiding the informal use of "likely" in an academic context.

  7. "assists with one another’s mental health" -> "support each other’s mental well-being"
    Explanation: Changing "assists with one another’s mental health" to "support each other’s mental well-being" maintains formality and clarity while expressing the idea more precisely.

  8. "go for a victory" -> "strive for success"
    Explanation: Replacing "go for a victory" with "strive for success" introduces a more formal and articulate expression without sacrificing clarity.

  9. "necessary to acknowledge" -> "important to recognize"
    Explanation: Substituting "necessary to acknowledge" with "important to recognize" maintains the formality of the language while offering a more varied and nuanced term.

  10. "participate / take part / get involved" -> "participate"
    Explanation: Choosing "participate" over "participate/take part/get involved" simplifies the sentence and maintains a formal tone, as the terms are interchangeable in this context.

  11. "may be believed that" -> "is commonly believed that"
    Explanation: Replacing "may be believed that" with "is commonly believed that" adds specificity and formality to the statement, aligning with academic conventions.

  12. "I still support the standpoint" -> "I still adhere to the standpoint"
    Explanation: Substituting "I still support the standpoint" with "I still adhere to the standpoint" introduces a more formal and precise expression while maintaining the intended meaning.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally addresses all parts of the question. It acknowledges the effectiveness of teaching cooperation through team sports but also recognizes that not all children may find this approach suitable.

    • How to improve: While the essay does provide a balanced view, it could enhance its analysis by delving deeper into why some children may not prefer team sports. Exploring a wider range of reasons would strengthen the response.

  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a generally clear position by stating a partial agreement with the idea that team sports are effective in teaching cooperation.

    • How to improve: To enhance clarity, the essay could explicitly outline the reasons for partial agreement or disagreement in the introduction, providing a roadmap for the reader.

  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents and supports its ideas adequately. It provides examples of the benefits of team sports in fostering cooperation, such as communication, conflict resolution, and mutual support.

    • How to improve: To strengthen the essay, the writer could extend their ideas further by discussing potential drawbacks or limitations of relying solely on team sports for teaching cooperation.

  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the effectiveness of team sports in teaching cooperation.

    • How to improve: To improve focus, the writer should avoid unnecessary repetition, such as the phrases "cooperative skills" and "cooperation," and ensure that each point made directly relates to the prompt.


General Comments:

The essay demonstrates a good understanding of the prompt and provides a well-balanced response. However, to achieve a higher band score, the writer should aim for more depth in the analysis and consider potential counterarguments or alternative perspectives. Additionally, improving the clarity of the introduction and avoiding unnecessary repetition would enhance overall coherence and cohesion. Overall, a solid effort, with room for refinement.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization. It starts with a clear introduction stating the writer’s partial agreement with the idea that team sports are the best way to teach cooperation. The body paragraphs follow a coherent structure, presenting arguments for and against the effectiveness of team sports in teaching cooperation. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points. However, there are some instances where sentence structures could be refined for smoother transitions and clearer logical progression. For example, the transition between the first and second paragraphs could be improved for a more seamless flow.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs and sentences. Consider using connecting words or phrases to guide the reader through the progression of ideas. In this essay, refining the transition from the introduction to the first body paragraph can improve overall coherence.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs to structure ideas, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, contributing to the overall coherence. However, there is room for improvement in the first body paragraph. The writer introduces the idea of healthy competition but could provide a more explicit topic sentence to guide the reader and improve the overall structure.
    • How to improve: To enhance paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that directly relates to the main argument. In the first body paragraph, consider rephrasing the opening sentence to explicitly introduce the idea of healthy competition and its role in fostering cooperation.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs cohesive devices, such as pronouns (e.g., "this," "which"), conjunctions (e.g., "however," "on the one hand"), and transitional phrases (e.g., "for instance," "on the other hand"). These devices contribute to the overall cohesion by linking ideas within and between sentences. However, there are instances where more diverse and precise cohesive devices could be used for smoother transitions.
    • How to improve: To diversify and enhance the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a variety of transition words and phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "however," explore alternatives like "nevertheless," "on the contrary," or "despite this." This can add nuance to the essay’s flow and improve overall coherence. Additionally, pay attention to the coherence of sentences within paragraphs to ensure a seamless connection of ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. While some variety is present, there is room for improvement in the selection of more sophisticated and nuanced terms. For instance, the repetition of phrases like "cooperative skills" and "sports team" throughout the essay indicates a limited lexical repertoire.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating synonyms and exploring more diverse expressions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "cooperative skills," you might introduce terms like collaboration, teamwork, or mutual assistance. Additionally, explore more varied ways to refer to sports teams, such as athletic groups, team activities, or collective pursuits.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits some precision in vocabulary use, but there are instances where imprecise terms create ambiguity. For example, the use of "acknowledge/recognize" in the opening paragraph is interchangeable, but selecting one term would convey a more precise meaning.
    • How to improve: Aim for precise and accurate word choices. In this case, choose either "acknowledge" or "recognize" based on the intended meaning. Additionally, be cautious of using terms like "participate," "take part," or "get involved" interchangeably. Select the term that aligns most accurately with the context to avoid any ambiguity in meaning.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy. However, there is an inconsistency in the use of parentheses around certain words, such as "acknowledge/recognize" and "participate/take part/get involved." Additionally, there are minor spelling errors, such as "soccer" instead of "football."
    • How to improve: Ensure consistency in punctuation usage, either using parentheses or slashes consistently for alternatives. Proofread carefully to catch and rectify minor spelling errors. Consider using British or American English consistently, as the essay contains a mix (e.g., "soccer" and "organiz[s]ation"). Employing spell-check tools and dedicating time to thorough proofreading can significantly improve spelling accuracy.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable command of vocabulary, improvements can be made by diversifying word choices, ensuring precision in usage, and maintaining consistent spelling practices. These enhancements will contribute to a more sophisticated and refined expression of ideas, potentially elevating the Lexical Resource score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures. It effectively employs complex sentences, such as "For instance, if a soccer team always plays with full cooperative skills and assists with one another’s mental health after a loss." Additionally, there is an attempt to use introductory phrases, like "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," to organize ideas. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures further, incorporating more complex constructions and varied sentence beginnings.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical range, consider integrating more complex sentence structures, such as compound-complex sentences. Additionally, experiment with different sentence beginnings to avoid repetitive patterns. For instance, instead of consistently starting sentences with "It is essential to acknowledge" or "For example," try using other introductory phrases like "In contrast" or "Moreover."
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, with only a few instances of minor errors. For example, there is a small inconsistency in verb form in the phrase "due to the healthy competition of children when being in a sports team," where the verb "being" could be revised for clarity. Punctuation is mostly correct, but there are instances of unnecessary spaces before punctuation marks. For instance, "cooperative skills, which" should be "cooperative skills, which."
    • How to improve: Focus on consistency in verb forms and avoid unnecessary spaces before punctuation marks. Proofread carefully to catch these minor errors, as they can impact the overall clarity of your sentences. Additionally, pay attention to subject-verb agreement and ensure that verb forms align with the subject in all instances. Consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar-check tools to catch these minor issues.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a commendable command of grammar and sentence structures, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures and maintaining consistent grammatical accuracy. Strengthening these aspects will contribute to an even more polished and sophisticated piece of writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is widely believed that the most effective method to teach children how to collaborate is through team sports. From my perspective, I partially agree with that point due to the healthy competition among children when participating in a sports team, which fosters various factors in becoming cooperative. However, it is important to recognize that not all children prefer being in a sports team to develop cooperative skills, which can lead to feelings of disagreement rather than fostering cooperation.

On the one hand, through team sports, children can acquire beneficial skills associated with cooperation, developing a sense of responsibility and accountability towards their teammates, fostering a cooperative mindset. In other words, children tend to communicate effectively, resolve conflicts, and support each other’s mental well-being to strive for success in a competition for the sake of a class or an organization. For instance, if a soccer team always plays with full cooperative skills and assists with one another’s mental health after a loss, this not only may prevent children from being upset but also encourages them to learn the value of collaboration and cooperation, as well as the power of friendship.

On the other hand, it is commonly believed that not all children enjoy being in a specific team sport for developing cooperative skills. This may lead to feelings of exclusion and disagreement rather than fostering cooperation due to different approaches in developing a child’s mindset. Specifically, when they are forced to participate in a sports team that goes against their interests, this can have detrimental effects on their overall experiences, especially for female children. For example, a child with interests in activities such as singing or painting may not effectively develop cooperative skills in a sports team. Therefore, using this method to instill cooperation may be a counterproductive approach to their mindset.

To sum up, while it is commonly believed that teaching children cooperation through sports teams works the best, I still adhere to the standpoint that this method can bring positive and beneficial skills to children. However, it is important to wisely select which characteristics are appropriate for this method of teaching and come up with appropriate approaches for children.

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