The chart and graph below give information about participants who have entered the Olympics since it began.

The bar chart illustrates how many men and women took part in the Olympics between 1924 and 2012. Additionally, the line graph also reveals the number of atheletes and candidates joining the sporting event in the same period.
Looking at the bar chart it’s easily clarity that the Olympics was the sporting event which almost male sport players participated in. Starting at 3000 men in 1924, this data was 2 times greater of below 6000 after 88 years. Meanwhile, the starting point of female candidates was just around 100 people by 1924. With aproximately 4800 women joined the Olympics in 2012, it demonstrated the considerable increase in 88-years period.
Regarding with the greatest number of participants in the Olympics, the 88-years period witnessed the significant rise. There were around 3000 people who competed with each other at that sport competition by 1924. That stastics climbed up over the following 88 years and peaked at about 11000 in 2012.
In the summary, number of female and male contenders followed the growth throughout the period given, specially the female’s figure was 45 times greater. Therefore, 88-years period experienced the surge of total people who worked as competitors in the Olympics.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The bar chart illustrates how many men and women took part in the Olympics between 1924 and 2012." -> "The bar chart depicts the number of male and female participants in the Olympics between 1924 and 2012."
Explanation: The phrase "illustrates how many" is somewhat vague and informal. "Depicts the number of" is more precise and formal, aligning better with academic style.
"Additionally, the line graph also reveals the number of atheletes and candidates joining the sporting event in the same period." -> "Furthermore, the line graph also shows the number of athletes and competitors participating in the same period."
Explanation: "Additionally" is less formal than "Furthermore," which is more suitable for academic writing. "Atheletes" is a typographical error and should be corrected to "athletes." "Competitors" is more specific and academically appropriate than "candidates."
"it’s easily clarity that" -> "it is clear that"
Explanation: "It’s" is a contraction and is too informal for academic writing. "It is" is the correct form, and "clear" is more precise than "easily clarity."
"almost male sport players participated in" -> "primarily male athletes participated in"
Explanation: "Almost male sport players" is awkward and unclear. "Primarily male athletes" is more precise and grammatically correct.
"this data was 2 times greater of below 6000" -> "this number was approximately twice that of 6000"
Explanation: "This data was 2 times greater of below 6000" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. "Approximately twice that of 6000" is clearer and more formal.
"With aproximately 4800 women joined" -> "With approximately 4800 women participating"
Explanation: "Joined" is an incorrect verb choice in this context; "participating" is the correct verb to describe athletes in the Olympics.
"Regarding with the greatest number of participants" -> "Regarding the greatest number of participants"
Explanation: "Regarding with" is grammatically incorrect. The correct phrase is "Regarding the."
"the significant rise" -> "a significant increase"
Explanation: "The significant rise" could imply a gradual increase, whereas "a significant increase" explicitly states the nature of the change.
"That stastics" -> "These statistics"
Explanation: "That stastics" is a typographical error and grammatically incorrect. "These statistics" is the correct form.
"peaked at about 11000" -> "peaked at approximately 11,000"
Explanation: "About" is somewhat informal; "approximately" is more precise and formal. Also, the comma after the number is necessary for readability.
"number of female and male contenders followed the growth" -> "the number of female and male contenders exhibited growth"
Explanation: "Followed the growth" is passive and less direct. "Exhibited growth" is more active and formal.
"specially the female’s figure was 45 times greater" -> "particularly, the female figure was 45 times greater"
Explanation: "Specially" is incorrect; "particularly" is the correct adverb. Also, "the female’s figure" should be "the female figure" for grammatical correctness.
"Therefore, 88-years period experienced the surge of total people" -> "Therefore, the 88-year period saw a surge in the total number of participants"
Explanation: "88-years period" is grammatically incorrect; "88-year period" is correct. "Experienced the surge of total people" is awkward and unclear; "saw a surge in the total number of participants" is clearer and more formal.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the main trends in the data. It also presents some inaccurate information, such as the statement that the number of female participants was 45 times greater in 2012 than in 1924.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends in the data. The writer should also focus on presenting accurate information and avoid making subjective statements. The essay could also be improved by using more precise language and avoiding unnecessary repetition. For example, the phrase "the greatest number of participants" is used twice in the essay. The writer could use a more specific phrase, such as "the peak number of participants," instead.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there are notable issues with overall progression and coherence. While it attempts to discuss the data from the bar chart and line graph, the connections between ideas are not always clear, leading to confusion. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, such as "Regarding with the greatest number of participants" which is grammatically incorrect. Additionally, the paragraphing is present but lacks logical structure, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument effectively.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on clearly linking ideas and ensuring that each paragraph has a distinct central topic. Using a wider range of cohesive devices accurately will help improve the flow of information. Additionally, revising for grammatical accuracy and ensuring that paragraphs are logically structured will contribute to a clearer progression of ideas throughout the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to convey information about the Olympic participants, the use of vocabulary is repetitive and sometimes inappropriate (e.g., "sporting event" and "sport competition" are used interchangeably without variation). There are noticeable errors in spelling (e.g., "atheletes," "aproximately," "stastics") and word formation that may cause difficulty for the reader. The essay does not effectively utilize less common lexical items, and the overall control of vocabulary is insufficient to convey precise meanings.

How to improve: To enhance the Lexical Resource score, the writer should aim to expand their vocabulary by incorporating a wider range of terms and phrases relevant to the topic. This includes using synonyms to avoid repetition and ensuring that word choices are appropriate for the context. Additionally, careful proofreading to correct spelling and word formation errors would improve clarity and professionalism. Engaging with more complex sentence structures and varying vocabulary can also help convey precise meanings more effectively.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily using simple sentences with some attempts at complex forms. However, there are frequent grammatical errors, such as incorrect prepositions ("Regarding with"), awkward phrasing ("the sporting event which almost male sport players participated in"), and issues with subject-verb agreement ("the considerable increase in 88-years period"). These errors can cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the intended meaning. While there are some accurate structures, the predominance of errors detracts from overall clarity and coherence.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on expanding their range of sentence structures, incorporating more complex sentences while ensuring accuracy. Additionally, proofreading for grammatical errors and awkward phrasing would enhance clarity. Using varied vocabulary and ensuring correct subject-verb agreement will also contribute to a more polished essay. Engaging with more sophisticated grammatical forms, such as conditional sentences or relative clauses, could further improve the essay’s score in this criterion.

Bài sửa mẫu

The bar chart illustrates the number of men and women who participated in the Olympics between 1924 and 2012. Additionally, the line graph reveals the number of athletes and candidates joining the sporting event during the same period.

Looking at the bar chart, it is clear that the Olympics was predominantly attended by male athletes. Starting with 3,000 men in 1924, this figure increased to over 6,000 after 88 years, representing a twofold rise. In contrast, the initial number of female participants was just around 100 in 1924. By 2012, approximately 4,800 women had joined the Olympics, demonstrating a significant increase over the 88-year period.

Regarding the total number of participants in the Olympics, the 88-year period witnessed a remarkable rise. There were around 3,000 competitors in the sporting event by 1924. This statistic climbed steadily over the following 88 years, peaking at about 11,000 in 2012.

In summary, the number of female and male contenders showed growth throughout the given period, particularly with the female figure increasing by 45 times. Therefore, the 88-year period experienced a surge in the total number of individuals competing in the Olympics.