The chart below gives information about global sales of games software, CDs and DVD or video. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information

The given chart exhibits a fluctuation in global sales of three different game formats in a period of four years from 2000 to 2003.

In general, CDs emerged as the most popular game format among the three types. However, sale performance of CDs was consistently stagnant over the period, whereas game software and DVD/video experienced considerable growth.

In 2000, CDs contributed up to 35 billion dollars in revenue, which was double than sales of DVD/video, while game software ranked last with merely 15 billions. One year later, both Games software and DVD/video underwent a mild increase, CDs, on the other hand, experienced a stagnancy.

The trend from 2000 to 2021 continued to appear in 2022. However, in 2023, while CDs and game software’s similar pattern was ongoing, DVD/ video witnessed a remarkable growth, surpassed the level of 30 billion dollars in sales, nearly on par with CDs performance as the top sale item.

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Errors and Improvements:

"exhibits" -> "depicts"
Explanation: "Exhibits" is commonly used, but "depicts" adds sophistication and variety to the language choice, making the description more engaging.
"sale performance" -> "sales performance"
Explanation: Adding "sales" before "performance" clarifies that it refers specifically to the performance related to sales, making the phrase grammatically correct and more precise.
"contributed up to" -> "generated"
Explanation: "Generated" is a more precise and formal term for describing revenue, enhancing the clarity and formality of the statement.
"15 billions" -> "15 billion dollars"
Explanation: "Billions" should be singular when specifying a specific amount, and "dollars" adds clarity to the currency unit.
"mild increase" -> "modest increase"
Explanation: "Modest" is a more sophisticated and precise term for describing a small increase, enhancing the richness of the description.
"underwent" -> "experienced"
Explanation: "Experienced" is a more versatile and formal term that conveys the change in a broader sense, improving the fluency and formality of the sentence.
"mild increase" -> "modest increase"
Explanation: Same as previous, replacing "mild" with "modest" enhances precision and sophistication.
"from 2000 to 2021 continued to appear in 2022" -> "observed from 2000 to 2021 persisted into 2022"
Explanation: The original phrase is unclear and awkwardly constructed. The suggested alternative is clearer and more concise, conveying the continuity of the trend.
"witnessed a remarkable growth" -> "experienced significant growth"
Explanation: "Experienced significant growth" is a more precise and formal expression, conveying the magnitude of the growth more effectively.
"nearly on par with" -> "almost on par with"
Explanation: "Almost on par with" maintains the meaning while sounding slightly more polished and formal.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay adequately covers the requirements of the task by describing the information presented in the chart regarding global sales of games software, CDs, and DVD or video over a four-year period. It provides a clear overview of the main trends in sales for each format, highlighting the fluctuations and relative performance over the years.
How to improve: To enhance the Task Achievement score, consider providing more specific details and data from the chart, such as exact sales figures for each year and percentage changes. Additionally, ensure that the response is fully developed by expanding on the significance of the trends observed and their potential implications.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, with a clear overall progression. It effectively presents the main trends observed in the chart over the specified period. Each paragraph focuses on a different aspect of the data, such as the overall trend, individual format sales, and specific years. However, there are some cohesion issues within and between sentences. For example, transitions between sentences could be smoother to enhance the flow of ideas. Additionally, while the essay uses cohesive devices, such as conjunctions and transitional phrases, some of these could be used more effectively to strengthen the coherence further.

How to improve:
To improve coherence and cohesion, pay closer attention to the transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Ensure that each sentence logically follows the preceding one and contributes to the overall flow of ideas. Use a variety of cohesive devices effectively to connect ideas and improve the clarity of relationships between them. Additionally, consider the balance between providing specific details from the chart and offering broader analysis to maintain coherence throughout the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, including terms such as "fluctuation," "emerged," "stagnant," "considerable growth," and "remarkable growth." The writer attempts to use less common vocabulary, but there are some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation. For instance, "the trend from 2000 to 2021 continued to appear in 2022" could be phrased more precisely. There are also some errors in word formation and spelling, such as "2021" instead of "2001." However, these errors do not impede communication significantly.

How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, the writer should focus on using a wider variety of vocabulary and strive for more accurate word choice and collocation. Additionally, careful proofreading to correct spelling and word formation errors will improve the overall clarity and sophistication of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, utilizing varied sentence forms to convey information effectively. There is a clear attempt to incorporate complex sentences, though some may lack accuracy, leading to occasional errors in grammar and punctuation. The overall communication is not significantly hindered by these errors.

How to improve:
To improve, focus on refining the accuracy of complex sentence structures. Pay attention to grammatical rules and punctuation to reduce errors and enhance clarity. Additionally, strive for consistency in the application of complex sentence structures throughout the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided chart illustrates the global sales trends of three distinct game formats over a span of four years, from 2000 to 2003.

In general, CDs emerged as the most favored game format among the three categories. However, the sales performance of CDs remained relatively stable throughout the period, while both game software and DVD/video experienced notable growth.

In the initial year of 2000, CDs accounted for a substantial portion of revenue, reaching 35 billion dollars, which was twice the sales of DVD/video, with game software trailing behind at a mere 15 billion dollars. Moving into the subsequent year, both game software and DVD/video witnessed a modest increase in sales, whereas CDs showed little to no change.

This trend persisted from 2000 through 2021. However, in 2022, while CDs and game software maintained a similar pattern, DVD/video saw a significant surge in sales, surpassing the 30 billion dollar mark, nearly reaching the level of CDs’ performance as the top-selling item.