The chart below gives information on the numbers of workers in different occupations who migrated to Australia between 2009 and 2012. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The chart below gives information on the numbers of workers in different occupations who migrated to Australia between 2009 and 2012. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The bar chart illustrates the number of skilled professionals in various occupations who came to Australia from 2009 to 2012.
From an overall perspective, it is clear that accountants were the most prevalent occupation among employees, whereas computer programmers were the least preferred. Concurrently, while accountants and computer programmers experienced an increase, the number of cooks and software engineers decreased.
Initially, accountants represented the highest number of employed workers, at 20 thousand. The figures for cooks and software engineers were lower, at 17 and 19 thousand workers, respectively. The smallest number of skilled professionals in the computer programming sector amounted to only 2 thousand.
Between 2009 and 2012, there was a surge in the number of migrants working in the accounting sector, rising to 28 thousand people before rapidly declining to 21 thousand in 2012. Computer programmers steadily increased by 3 thousand people during the period shown. Conversely, there was a drop in the number of software engineers to 17 thousand workers, which was merely 1 thousand higher than those employed as cooks.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"The bar chart illustrates" -> "The bar chart depicts"
Explanation: "Depicts" is a more precise and formal term than "illustrates" in the context of presenting data in a visual format, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence. -
"skilled professionals in various occupations" -> "skilled professionals across various occupations"
Explanation: "Across" is more precise and formal than "in various," better conveying the breadth of the data being discussed. -
"came to Australia" -> "migrated to Australia"
Explanation: "Migrated" is more specific and academically appropriate than "came," which is somewhat informal and vague in this context. -
"the most prevalent occupation" -> "the most common occupation"
Explanation: "Common" is more appropriate in academic writing than "prevalent," which can imply a more general or widespread presence, which may not be the intended meaning here. -
"the least preferred" -> "the least favored"
Explanation: "Favored" is more specific and formal than "preferred," which can be seen as too informal for academic discourse. -
"experienced an increase" -> "saw an increase"
Explanation: "Saw" is a more precise verb in this context, as it directly relates to observing changes in data, aligning better with the academic style. -
"the number of cooks and software engineers decreased" -> "the numbers of cooks and software engineers decreased"
Explanation: Adding "the" before "numbers" corrects the grammatical error and maintains the formal tone. -
"represented the highest number" -> "represented the largest number"
Explanation: "Largest" is more precise and formal than "highest," which can be ambiguous in this context. -
"the smallest number" -> "the lowest number"
Explanation: "Lowest" is more appropriate when referring to numerical values, aligning better with the context of quantifiable data. -
"a surge in the number" -> "a significant increase in the number"
Explanation: "Significant increase" is more specific and formal than "surge," which can be seen as too colloquial for academic writing. -
"rapidly declining" -> "rapidly decreasing"
Explanation: "Decreasing" is more appropriate when describing a numerical reduction, whereas "declining" can imply a more general or gradual change. -
"merely 1 thousand higher" -> "only 1,000 higher"
Explanation: "Only" is more formal than "merely," and the comma after "1,000" corrects the numerical formatting for readability and formality.
These changes enhance the precision, formality, and clarity of the text, making it more suitable for an academic context.
Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main features of the chart, including the highest and lowest number of workers in each occupation, and the overall trends in the number of workers in each occupation. However, the essay does not fully extend the key features, and some details are irrelevant or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that the number of accountants "rapidly declined" in 2012, but the chart shows a gradual decline.
How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more detailed information about the trends in the number of workers in each occupation. For example, the essay could state that the number of accountants increased by 8,000 between 2009 and 2011, but then decreased by 7,000 between 2011 and 2012. The essay could also be improved by avoiding irrelevant details, such as the statement that the number of software engineers was "merely 1 thousand higher than those employed as cooks."
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay presents information in a generally coherent manner, with a clear overall progression from the introduction to the body paragraphs. However, while there is some effective use of cohesive devices, there are instances where cohesion between sentences could be improved, leading to a somewhat mechanical flow. The paragraphing is present but could be better structured to enhance clarity and logical progression. Additionally, referencing is not always clear, particularly in the transitions between different occupations.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on improving the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs. This can be achieved by using a wider range of cohesive devices and ensuring that each paragraph clearly relates to a central topic. Additionally, refining the use of referencing and substitution can help avoid repetition and improve clarity. Finally, organizing the information into distinct paragraphs that each focus on a specific aspect of the data will strengthen the overall structure.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary appropriate for the task, with some attempts to use less common vocabulary such as "surge" and "prevalent." However, there are inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the least preferred" which is not the most accurate description for the data presented. Additionally, there are some errors in spelling and word formation, such as "accountants represented the highest number of employed workers," which could be phrased more clearly. Overall, while the vocabulary used does not impede communication, it lacks the sophistication and precision expected at higher band levels.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider range of vocabulary, particularly less common lexical items, with greater precision in word choice. They should also focus on improving collocation and ensuring that phrases are used accurately in context. Additionally, reducing spelling and word formation errors will help to elevate the overall quality of the essay.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 score. While the writer attempts to convey information clearly, there are some grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that occasionally hinder communication. For example, phrases like "the least preferred" and "the smallest number of skilled professionals in the computer programming sector amounted to only 2 thousand" could be expressed more clearly. Additionally, there are minor punctuation issues that affect the overall fluency of the text.
How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on using a wider variety of complex sentence structures and ensuring that all sentences are grammatically correct. Proofreading for minor errors and awkward phrasing can also improve clarity. Practicing with more complex grammatical forms and ensuring consistent punctuation will help achieve a higher band score.
Bài sửa mẫu
The bar chart illustrates the number of skilled professionals in various occupations who migrated to Australia from 2009 to 2012.
From an overall perspective, it is clear that accountants were the most prevalent occupation among employees, whereas computer programmers were the least represented. Concurrently, while the number of accountants and computer programmers experienced an increase, the figures for cooks and software engineers decreased.
Initially, accountants accounted for the highest number of employed workers, at 20 thousand. The figures for cooks and software engineers were lower, at 17 thousand and 19 thousand workers, respectively. The smallest number of skilled professionals in the computer programming sector amounted to only 2 thousand.
Between 2009 and 2012, there was a surge in the number of migrants working in the accounting sector, rising to 28 thousand people before rapidly declining to 21 thousand in 2012. Computer programmers steadily increased by 3 thousand people during the period shown. Conversely, there was a drop in the number of software engineers to 17 thousand workers, which was merely 1 thousand higher than those employed as cooks.
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