The chart below show the percentage of the day working adults spent doing different activities in a particular country in 1958 and in 2008

The two pie charts illustrate the proportion of an adult’s workday spent in different activities in a particular country in 1958 and 2008.
As presented in the diagram, there was a significant decline in the percentage of time spent sleeping and going out, while the opposite was true for the remaining factors. It is also evident that the proportion of working recorded the highest date in both 2 years.
Initially, the percentage of an adult’s day spent working accounted for 33 in the first year, after which it experienced a considerable increase to 42 in 2008. Similar changes, yet lesser extents, can also be seen in the figures for travelling to work and relaxing at home, which uninterruptedly rose from 2% to 8% and from only 8% to 13% respectively.
Moving to the other factors, 32% of adults spent time sleeping and 19% spent time going out in 1958, with a subsequent marked decrease to 25% and 6% in that order. Moreover, it is only the statistics of other always remained at 6% throughout 50 years.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"pie charts illustrate" -> "pie charts depict"
Explanation: "Depict" is a more formal and precise term than "illustrate" in academic contexts, enhancing the formality of the description of visual data presentation.
"adult’s workday" -> "adults’ workdays"
Explanation: The possessive form "adults’" is needed to correctly indicate that the data refers to the workdays of multiple adults, not just one.
"spent in different activities" -> "devoted to various activities"
Explanation: "Devoted to" is a more formal expression than "spent in," which sounds somewhat informal and vague in this context.
"significant decline" -> "substantial decrease"
Explanation: "Substantial decrease" is a more precise and formal term than "significant decline," which can be vague and less specific.
"the remaining factors" -> "the other activities"
Explanation: "The other activities" is more specific and avoids the vague term "factors," which could refer to anything, not just activities.
"recorded the highest date" -> "achieved the highest percentage"
Explanation: "Achieved the highest percentage" is a clearer and more accurate description of the data, as "recorded the highest date" is grammatically incorrect and unclear.
"an adult’s day spent working" -> "the proportion of an adult’s day spent working"
Explanation: Adding "the proportion of" clarifies that the data refers to a percentage, making the sentence more precise and formal.
"accounted for 33" -> "represented 33%"
Explanation: "Represented 33%" is more specific and appropriate for discussing percentages in academic writing.
"considerable increase" -> "marked increase"
Explanation: "Marked increase" is a more formal and precise term than "considerable increase," which can be somewhat vague.
"uninterruptedly rose" -> "consistently increased"
Explanation: "Consistently increased" is more accurate and formal than "uninterruptedly rose," which is not commonly used in formal academic writing.
"only the statistics of other always remained at 6%" -> "the statistics for other activities remained constant at 6%"
Explanation: "The statistics for other activities remained constant at 6%" is clearer and more formal, avoiding the awkward and unclear phrase "only the statistics of other always remained."

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the text, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the data, but it does not fully extend the key features. For example, the essay states that "the percentage of time spent sleeping and going out, while the opposite was true for the remaining factors," but it does not provide any specific details about the changes in these factors.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific details about the changes in each factor. For example, the essay could state that "the percentage of time spent sleeping decreased from 32% in 1958 to 25% in 2008, while the percentage of time spent working increased from 33% to 42%." The essay could also provide a more detailed analysis of the reasons for these changes.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While it attempts to compare the data from 1958 and 2008, the transitions between ideas are not always clear, leading to confusion. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate, with some inaccuracies and overuse, particularly in the phrasing of certain sentences. Additionally, the paragraphing is present but not always logical, as some ideas are not grouped effectively.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on creating clearer topic sentences for each paragraph that directly relate to the data being discussed. Improving the logical flow of information by using a wider range of cohesive devices and ensuring that references are clear will also help. Additionally, organizing the essay into well-defined paragraphs that group similar ideas together will improve overall clarity.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task. It attempts to use some less common vocabulary, such as "proportion," "significant decline," and "considerable increase," but there are inaccuracies in word choice and phrasing, such as "the highest date" instead of "the highest percentage." Additionally, there are some errors in spelling and word formation, such as "uninterruptedly," which detracts from the overall clarity but does not completely impede communication. Overall, the vocabulary used is sufficient for the task, but it lacks the sophistication and precision expected at higher band levels.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with greater precision. This includes using more varied synonyms and avoiding repetition. Additionally, careful proofreading to eliminate spelling and word formation errors will improve clarity. Incorporating more complex sentence structures and uncommon lexical items accurately will also contribute to a higher score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which indicates a reasonable attempt at grammatical range. However, there are several grammatical errors and awkward phrases that detract from the overall clarity and accuracy of the writing. For example, phrases like "the proportion of working recorded the highest date" and "the statistics of other always remained at 6%" contain inaccuracies that could confuse the reader. While the errors do not completely obstruct communication, they are frequent enough to suggest that the writer has only partial control over grammar and punctuation.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Increase Sentence Variety: Incorporate more complex structures and ensure that they are used correctly.
Proofreading: Carefully check for grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. For instance, clarify phrases like "the highest date" and ensure that all terms are used accurately.
Punctuation: Pay attention to punctuation rules to enhance clarity and flow.
Practice: Engage in more writing practice to develop a stronger command of grammar and to reduce the frequency of errors.

Bài sửa mẫu

The two pie charts illustrate the proportion of an adult’s workday spent on different activities in a particular country in 1958 and 2008.

As presented in the diagrams, there was a significant decline in the percentage of time spent sleeping and going out, while the opposite was true for the remaining activities. It is also evident that the proportion of time spent working recorded the highest figure in both years.

Initially, the percentage of an adult’s day spent working accounted for 33% in the first year, after which it experienced a considerable increase to 42% in 2008. Similar changes, albeit to a lesser extent, can also be seen in the figures for travelling to work and relaxing at home, which rose from 2% to 8% and from 8% to 13%, respectively.

Moving to the other factors, 32% of adults spent time sleeping and 19% spent time going out in 1958, with a subsequent marked decrease to 25% and 6%, respectively. Moreover, the statistics for other activities remained constant at 6% throughout the 50 years.