The chart below shows information about the problems people have when they go to live in other countries. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant

The chart below shows information about the problems people have when they go to live in other countries.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant

Given is the bar chart providing information about the issues citizens face when they migrate to other nations.
From an overall perspective, it is evident that while the problem about finances and healthcare take the dominant position, the opposite is true for that by finding schools for their children. Another noticeable feature is that the percentage of people aged 35-54 having problems is the most.

Regarding the issues about finances and healthcare, the people aged 35-54 facing the former problem peak at 35 percent that is more than the people aged 18-34 about 3 percent and the people over 55 approximately 9 percent, respectively. Concerning the problem about healthcare, the citizens aged 35-54 have the lion’s share in this issue with over 35 percent. This figure is more than the people over 55, about 2 percent and people aged 18-34, nearly 10 percent.

With regards to the problem about finding schools for children, the people aged 35-54 take the dominant position with nearly 20 percent that is about four times more than citizens aged 18-34 and ten times more than people over 55.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"Given is the bar chart providing information" -> "Presented is the bar chart depicting information"
Explanation: "Given" is a bit informal for this context. "Presented" adds formality and clarity. "Depicting" is more precise than "providing" in describing what the bar chart does.
"while the problem about finances and healthcare take the dominant position" -> "while issues pertaining to finances and healthcare dominate"
Explanation: "Take the dominant position" is awkward and less precise. "Pertaining to" is more formal than "about." "Dominate" is a stronger verb choice.
"the opposite is true for that by finding schools for their children" -> "the reverse is true for the issue of finding schools for their children"
Explanation: "The opposite is true for that by" is convoluted and unclear. "The reverse is true for" is more concise and clearer.
"Another noticeable feature is that the percentage of people aged 35-54 having problems is the most" -> "Another notable feature is the highest incidence of problems among people aged 35-54"
Explanation: "The percentage of people aged 35-54 having problems is the most" is grammatically incorrect. "The highest incidence of problems among people aged 35-54" is more precise and grammatically correct.
"Regarding the issues about finances and healthcare" -> "Concerning matters related to finances and healthcare"
Explanation: "Regarding the issues about" is redundant. "Concerning matters related to" is more concise and precise.
"the former problem peak at 35 percent that is more than" -> "the former peaks at 35 percent, surpassing"
Explanation: "Former problem peak" is grammatically incorrect. "The former peaks at" is more precise. "Surpassing" is a stronger verb choice than "more than."
"Concerning the problem about healthcare" -> "Regarding the issue of healthcare"
Explanation: "Concerning the problem about" is awkward. "Regarding the issue of" is more concise and formal.
"the lion’s share in this issue with over 35 percent" -> "the majority share of this issue, exceeding 35 percent"
Explanation: "The lion’s share in this issue with over 35 percent" is redundant and awkward. "The majority share of this issue, exceeding 35 percent" is more concise and clearer.
"the people aged 35-54 take the dominant position" -> "individuals aged 35-54 hold the predominant stance"
Explanation: "Take the dominant position" is repetitive. "Hold the predominant stance" is more formal and precise.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay adequately addresses the requirements of the task by summarizing the main features of the chart. It presents an overview of the main problems faced by people when migrating to other countries and makes comparisons where relevant. The key features are highlighted, including issues related to finances, healthcare, and finding schools for children. However, the details provided could be more specific and supported by data from the chart to strengthen the analysis. Additionally, some parts of the essay lack clarity and may be slightly repetitive.

How to improve:
To improve, the essay should provide more specific details supported by data from the chart, avoiding repetition and ensuring clarity throughout the analysis. Furthermore, a smoother transition between paragraphs could enhance the overall coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay arranges information in a relatively coherent manner with a clear attempt at summarization. It presents an overview of the main features of the chart. There is an attempt to logically organize information by addressing each problem individually. However, there are some coherence issues within and between sentences, such as awkward phrasing and repetitive language ("Regarding the issues about finances and healthcare"). Paragraphing is attempted, but it could be more logically structured. Cohesive devices are used somewhat effectively, but there are instances of mechanical usage and lack of variety.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, focus on smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Avoid repetitive language and strive for more varied sentence structures. Ensure that cohesive devices are used appropriately to link ideas coherently. Additionally, refine paragraphing to ensure a more logical flow of information.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, incorporating terminology related to the topic such as "finances," "healthcare," and "finding schools for children." It attempts to use less common vocabulary with phrases like "the lion’s share" and "take the dominant position." While there are some inaccuracies and awkward phrasings ("the problem about finances" instead of "financial issues," for instance), the overall vocabulary range is suitable. Some errors in spelling and word formation are present, such as "than the people over 55 approximately 9 percent" which should be "than the approximately 9 percent of people over 55," but these errors do not impede communication significantly.

How to improve:
To enhance the lexical resource, aim for more varied and precise vocabulary choices, avoiding repetitive phrases like "aged 35-54" and "about." Additionally, focus on improving word formation and spelling accuracy to reduce errors that can distract the reader.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures. It utilizes a variety of sentence forms to convey information. However, there are some errors in grammar and punctuation throughout the essay. These errors do not significantly hinder communication but are noticeable.

How to improve: To improve the score, focus on enhancing grammatical accuracy and punctuation. Pay close attention to sentence structure and ensure consistency throughout the essay. Additionally, consider incorporating a wider range of complex structures to showcase greater flexibility in writing. Regular practice and thorough proofreading can help refine these aspects.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided bar chart illustrates the various challenges encountered by individuals upon relocating to foreign countries.

Upon initial examination, it becomes apparent that financial and healthcare-related issues are the most prevalent, while the quest for suitable educational institutions for children presents a lesser concern. Notably, individuals aged 35-54 are disproportionately affected by these challenges.

In terms of financial difficulties, individuals aged 35-54 exhibit the highest incidence, peaking at 35 percent. This percentage surpasses that of both younger individuals aged 18-34, by approximately 3 percent, and older individuals over 55, by approximately 9 percent. Similarly, with regards to healthcare issues, those aged 35-54 again dominate, constituting over 35 percent of cases. This figure exceeds that of individuals over 55 by approximately 2 percent, and those aged 18-34 by nearly 10 percent.

Conversely, the obstacle of finding suitable schools for children primarily affects individuals aged 35-54, with nearly 20 percent facing this challenge. This percentage is approximately four times higher than that of individuals aged 18-34, and ten times higher than individuals over 55.

In summary, while financial and healthcare concerns disproportionately affect those aged 35-54, the issue of locating schools for children also presents a notable challenge for this demographic.